so tired.

I’m exhausted and every nerve ending in my body is on fire. My fingers are swollen. I can’t stay awake w/o alarms waking me up every 30 minutes. Idk if it’s the fibro or what but I’m exhausted. So tired. 

Covd-19 posts

Oh my word, all the schools in my state and several others have been shut down due to COVD-19. This COVD-19 stuff is scary af. I can't imagine how other families are dealing with the struggle of finding childcare but also being worried that their families could get sick. I've had Ez in the house for most of Spring break because with his asthma, we can't take chances with his health. 

I spent today getting stuff ready to start homeschooling for the next week  or so. His teacher sent me what she wants him to work on and then left it up to me as to how to proceed. I figure we can do it in spurts and then quit and chill when either of us gets bored. We are hooking up the wii's so that he can play them as well. maybe have a dance competition. 

Chronic Illness Update: 
it sucks. my new meds ARE helping but my im in a flare and my back is cramping up constantly. its aggravating. I did get a new cane at the Ren Festival and I adore it. Its hand carved and gorgeous. the way my back is feeling I might end up using it soon. 

hello thirty-four!

Thirty-three has been really good to me, I can’t lie. I overcame so many things. Emotional burdens that held me back for many years. I got answers for the physical pain I’ve been suffering from since I was a teenager. Answers help to some degree. I’ve learned to walk boldly into my future because it’s mine. 

I shed what was and accepted this beautiful reality that I’ve made for myself. I created a beautiful life for my son and I. I’m proud of what I’m accomplishing and I’m excited to accomplish even more this year. I made new friends both personal and professionally; occasionally they overlap :). I’m watching some amazing kids grow up, and that to me is almost as amazing as watching Ezra grow up. 

I spent my birthday with my love watching him play at the park. He ran and screamed and I marveled at this human I created and wondered if that’s what my mom felt when I was a kid. Although it hurt each time he rammed his body into me, I love how he hugs me when he’s happy. His smile was the best present I received today. 

I’m blessed truly blessed to have lived another year. I’m not going to waste it doing nothing. 

Holiday Sickness

It feels like every year around this time I get sick. I’ve been sick every Christmas break ever since I had E. Just ridiculous. In addition to my bones burning and my hands throbbing again, my chest is now on fire from coughing. Yuck. 

Aside from that I had a good last week volunteering. Finished up all the testing and was able to spend one on one time with the students. If I don’t end up finding a job right away I’m going to come back and drill with the kids in January. 

I’m thinking* of getting certified to teach the upper grades. Like I don’t think that my jam but one of the guys I was talking to said not to limit myself financially. It makes sense so we’ll see. 

We had a play date today with B, Ez and their friend E (and his siblings) after school got out. They played for over an hour until B got kicked in the face and stepped on by some other kids. Smh. I love those kids. After we made it home I tried to read but fell asleep and ez covered me with my heating blanket (helps when my body hurts). He’s such a considerate kid. I adore him. I still have to wrap presents but he’s being sneaky so I’m waiting. I don’t want him breaking stuff. 

Gratefulness

Over the past three years in therapy, we've been discussing how to talk about our BIG FEELINGS and Tuesday I just couldn't do it. Monday, I sat my class down and I told them that Tuesday would be my official last day with them and how much I really loved all of them. I was really sad about it. I am still sad about it. I love those kids. Tuesday, I dressed in my cheeriest outfit because I was feeling blue and came to work put on my Christmas jazz and we started our day. Those little jokers surprised me and got me a present and a hug line. Each one of my kids hugged me and told me how much they loved me. When I started crying they just hugged me harder. One of the twins A said she was going to miss me so much and I was her favorite teacher but not to tell. My little one who struggled so much but made so much progress because he's hot and on fire gave me a big squeeze and a tiny smile. His mom showed up later on and gave me a present and made me cry. I got to do something that I really enjoy and that I truly love to do and it just makes me so grateful.

I know there are big problems with public education but I'm there for the kids. I'm there for the little smiles and those kids that want to learn how to read or write their parents notes. I'm there for my teacher friends who get stressed and need a laugh or a reminder that it's going to be OKAY. I'm there for my son because he needs to see that I am happy every single day working with little kids just like him. Even when my body is hurting I love being with my students because they have the most unique perspectives on life. They are always trying to do better and to make me proud of them. When at the end of the day, I'm just proud of them for showing up and trying their hardest.

Teaching is hard but it really is incredibly rewarding because when your students grasp a concept that was once too hard, it just fills you up. Their successes are your successes. I am so incredibly blessed to have grown so much as an educator in this last placement. Ms. V really helped me to just spread my wings and fly. Just no words. Gratefulness.

My Body Hates Me

Oh my lord my back went out and this has to be the most unheavenly pain I’ve experienced in awhile. Sitting, standing it doesn’t matter it feels like my bones are burning. There are literally flames shooting up my thighs into my spine. What hell is this? Good news is I got most of my late homework done. I just need to make a reflection video, professional development plan, revamp my teaching website and learn how to walk by tomorrow morning. I have playground duty and I can hardly stand without tears pooling in my eyes. Yes. This is life. My current goal is to somehow get our the bed to put up my glasses and remote. likely hood of this happening again is slim to none.  I am aware of my current physical limitations.

I GRADUATED!!!!

Last night I took 5,800 steps and became a graduate of Grand Canyon University. It was one of the best moments of my life next to becoming a mother. I feel so exhilarated, happy and full of life. I was smiling so hard. I could hear Ezra screaming my name when I walked across the stage. I'm so happy that I went. I am so grateful that my family was there for me. I graduated in the top two percent of my class with a 4.0 as a Summa Cum Laude (which was unexpected af) and I'm so grateful. After the ceremony Ezra gave me the biggest hug and screamed "we did it mommy!!!" That just made me so happy knowing that my sweetie is proud of me. That was the best feeling in the entire world.