Reflection

I've always thought that actions speak louder than words. 

Silence speaks volumes. 

Lack of communications says it all. 

If people were interested in doing the right thing, they would have done it from day one. 

I don't need to lie, misrepresent not conjure up anything about anybody because their actions say it all. 

The fact that I stay in my lane of traffic and continue to handle my business and ensure that my child wants for nothing says a lot. 

The fact that my son couldn't recognize his sperm donor out of a line up, also says a lot. 

The fact that his sperm donor has had over two years to man up and pretend to show interest when it wasn't benefiting him also says (once again) a lot. 

The fact that no one except myself has been held financially responsible for the child(when I know I didn't knock myself up) says a lot. 

The fact that people who aren't involved in this situation always have so much to says a lot. 

I don't need to bad mouth him to his family. They already so that amongst themselves.  

It used to really bother me that he could just flit in and out of my sons life with no regard to my sons feelings. And now I can't seem to care. I used to feel bad for him when he missed those first moments. Him crawling. Walking. His first word. But now I don't. He missed out by choice. I'm done trying to forge a bond between them. Those days are over. 

If a man wants to be involved in their kids life they will do so. 

Keyword: man. 

Preparations

 

I am preparing my farewell to 2014 post on my other blog. And I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about some of the crap I've gone thru, and the ways in which I've grown as a person. Factoring in my little guy and how he just blossomed seemingly overnight from my little chunkett to a mischievous toddler and I need a box of tissues. 

God has been so good to me. He's protected from myself. From the people and things I thought I needed in my life. He's blessed me and my son so much. 

I know I sometimes vent on here but in retrospect my life is so damn rewarding. There is nothing more important to me than being a mother. Nothing more important than knowing my child is happy, well and taken care of. God has placed a lot of people in my life in order to uplift me and encourage me when I'm down. And I really appreciate them. 

I am excited. Excited. EXCITED. 2015 holds a lot of good things for us. 

Cherish each day

Such possibilities. Today was a cool breeze on a sunny day. A icy cold sweet tea. A child free day. 

Ezra spent the day with his grandparents. Meanwhile I got to go finish up some last min shopping. Meet up with the mr and have some lunch. Saw some old friends who just wanted Ezra lol. I breathed deeply. No diaper bag. Nobody wiping boogers on me. Or farting in public and laughing uproariously. 

But I missed him. 

I got home and he was pooping on his potty. I repeat pooping by choice on his potty. Then he peed on the carpet but that's okay. 

After finding out that my other mom died today. I wasn't sure how to feel. I'm worried about my sister. Her birthday is Friday and she just lost her mom. I'm worried about Ish and Esob. Miss M is in a better place right now. Cancer is the fucking devil. THE DEVIL. She was such a beautiful soul, always sparkling and happy. 

When she found out I was pregnant by a Muslim man she was happy. She loved me like I was her own child. She loved Ezra and showed it each time we saw each other. 

I grew up at her house. Sleepovers. I got to meet Farrakhan because of her. When I was contemplating converting to Islam I went to her. When Kipp cheated and left me I went to her. She was mom. My best friends mom. 

I can't make this better. I can't take away her pain. I can't deal with my own pain. God has taken an angel to cradle in his arms. 

There is no understanding in death. There is no understanding in grief. 

There is no understanding when a daughter loses her mother, two days before her birthday. 

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm upset. I'm worried. I just want to be able to hug my sister. I want to cry with my sister. To remind her that she isn't alone. Her mom touch so many people. 

I can't even right now. 

Be blessed

He's an on time God, yes he is!

Sometimes God is just so good that you want to cry. Not tears of sadness but tears of extreme joy because you realize how blessed you are. 

Ezra reminds me that God moves in mysterious and miraculous ways. I never saw my life going in this direction. I never imagined that I would end up a single mom. A stay at home mom at that, but I wouldn't change this for anything. 

I used to have all these plans for my life. College. Get married. Then kids. Publish a book. Some more kids. But the plans God has for me have turned out to be even better. 

My son brings me so much joy, he reminds me that inspite of everything there is a reason to smile. Because of this kid I am drug free, and happy. I just love him more than I've ever loved anyone. 

Things may not have turned out how I wanted. I may not have the happy ending I wanted. But I still have a happy ending. We are healthy. We are surrounded by people who love us. We are blessed. I'll just say it again WE ARE BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED. 

He may not come when you want him, but he's always right on time. He's an on time God. Yes he is

Look Whose Finally Coming to Visit

I'd rather not even deal with them because every single time I see her she has a bunch of lame ass excuses as to why she hasn't seen her grandson. She gets mad when Ezra won't go to her and I keep telling her HE DOESNT KNOW WHO YOU ARE. This year she's seen Ezra twice. Once when I took him to visit her after her surgery and on his birthday briefly. Did I mention I had plans today with the mr that I had to cancel for this unscheduled unwanted interruption??? 

I already know she won't be on time. More than likely they won't show up till about 5/530 when they said 430 to begin with. And by that time I will be even more hostile than I am right now. She will attempt to critique my parenting skills and I will attempt to hold my tongue and not tell her about her kids. Need I say more?? 

I hate when people try to play like active fathers/mothers/parents/grandparents during the holidays. Like fuck outta here with that cause we both know that the only time you wanna see somebody's illegitimate child is during the holidays for a fucking photo op. She will then share the pics with the absentee father who will more than likely do the same shit she does. Show them off like he's a part of my sons life. 

I should have just moved to fucking Texas when I was pregnant to avoid this unnecessary bullshit. 

This has been a ranty frustrated angry not feeling well post. 

The Lies Perpetrated by Walt Disney

Watching Sleeping Beauty with Ezra.  Disney movies are such a big lie. They have a meet cute, a problem and then the girls ends up with the guy. When in reality there's a meet cute, an issue, a problem and then some other girl gets the guy. 

This is why I do not like Disney movies. Setting women up for failure since 1923. 

Smh 

Hart Ramsey's Uplift

HartRamsey's UPLIFT: 

There are times when GOD will allow you to be pressed beyond your ability so that He can resize you for something new. 

 UPLIFT: Nothing drains energy like stressful relationships. Don't feel obligated to continue to nurture something that's killing u.

UPLIFT: FAITH= I believe even when things r unbelievable.I see possibility even in impossibility.I hope even when it seems hopeless.

UPLIFT: It's important 2 know the Lord & His Word: especially when u hit patches of life that have been cordoned off 4 development.

UPLIFT: TEARS are ur heart's way of recalibrating itself. GOD hears ur prayers & sees ur tears. KEEP beLIeVING. Morning will come! 

UPLIFT: No one can recover without GOD's help. You can't earn recovery. It's a gift that you must be willing 2 open everyday. 

Just some inspiring quotes. Maybe they will help someone like they've been helping me. 

Uncomfortable Spaces

Sometimes God puts us in uncomfortable spaces to encourage growth. This is my uncomfortable space and I will be damned if I don't see some growth. 

Being around my exes family makes me break out in physical hives. Not because of them but because of the possibility that he will show up. 

But my son deserves to know his other family. And they deserve to know him. 

I will never punish them because of what KB has put me thru. That's not thier fault. Instead I choose to facilitate love between my son and them. 

And for myself as well. 

Peace and blessings. 

Thanksgiving, What does it really mean?

Thanksgiving to me is all about family. Its one of those times where we all make an effort to spend time together doing things we enjoy. In my family, we see each other often, like once a week even the cousins. We do things but the holidays are a time where we aren't rushing and can invest time in one another. We eat, watch football, dance, play with the kids and take pictures of the fools who get caught slipping(ie Dom who falls asleep under the kiddie table in the front room every time w/o fail). 

This year it had a little more meaning for me because it was Ezra's first REAL Thanksgiving. The first year he got to partake in the celebrations. Starting from Zoo Lights last weekend to the food from yesterday's and todays dinners. He ate a little of everything yesterday, some greens, some turkey, some mac n chz, just a little of everything. He even tasted a little bit of the diabetic cheesecake(ewwww). He played, he danced. He laughed and yes he cried. But it felt like my first real holiday as a mom. It was GREAT. 

I was expecting myself to have those feelings of hurt and anger towards my ex, but all I felt was light. I felt bad that he's missing his biological son grow up, but I reminded myself that its a choice. I chose to focus on how awesome it felt to have my aunt here in the A finally. My grampa was there for a little bit, and he seemed to enjoy us for the brief time we shared. My family is remarkable. We  are all different, very different but we love each other. 

Today I spent with my other family and that as always is fun. Kids running around screaming. Ezra and Gavyn playing in the toy kitchen, eating plastic french fries. Eden, Jo and I watching tons of ridiculous movies, among them The Purge, 22 Jumpstreet and of course Silver Linings. Chris and his bro Will sitting out on the porch in between checking on the turkey and chasing kids in the house. The big boys were of course fighting lol but what else is new. 

My family is diverse, both my "chose family" and my blood. An eclectic bunch if I ever saw one. 

Is there No Justice for the Black Man?

I fell asleep praying for my son. I fell asleep holding my son praying for his life. Praying for protection for safety. Praying for understanding. Because I do not understand. 

I do not understand this society where POC beat themselves down. I don't understand a society where I have to teach my son to be afraid of the very people who are supposed to protect him. I don't understand why as a mother, a sister, a daughter, why I have to be afraid every time the men in my family leave the house. 

I don't understand why mothers are out living their children. I don't understand why no matter what we teach our young black boys, they aren't safe. I don't understand how we are expected to function within a system that has already marked us as a failure. 

My sons life has so much promise. He could be the next BB King, or a astrophysicist or a novelist or a teacher, but will he make it to adulthood? If he never wears a hoodie, eats skittles, drinks Az iced tea, lives in a nice neighborhood, drives a nice car, will he make it? What is his life worth to the American society? 

All I can do is to pray for our continued survival. Everybody loves a little biracial baby until they grow up and become a black man. All I can do is continue to pray. Pray until my knees hurt, pray until this madness begins to make sense. 

I am overwhelmed with sadness. 

Parenting Struggles

Sometimes I get very frustrated with Ezra. I can ask him nicely to not do a thing but he continues to do the thing. Then he breaks the thing I tell him not to and when I pop his hands and say no, I become "enemy number one". 

He broke the house phone today. Threw it at the wall. And when he got reprimanded my mom started yelling at me. So I got pissed and said "you used to beat the shit out of me and worse for simply existing and I turned out just fucking fine." So she yelled at me " well maybe I learned better. Maybe you wouldn't have hated me if I had of been nice" (I still would have hated her.) so I yelled at her "you can't undermine everything I say to him. He has to fucking respect me or when I leave he will run all the fuck over me." 

It was a very ugly time. He was crying cause he was in trouble. I made him sit on the couch with his babies while I fumed and picked up the pieces to the phone. I was pissed because hello I'm the mom. I'm a single mom he's got to respect me. Then my dad came home and took the baby for a drive. 

I'm still a little bit pissed. It's a bit frustrating.  

My mom has completely fucked me up. I worry for my son. 

The Ultimate Sacrifice

I am so blessed to have Ezra. He is such a beautiful child. And when he's not being gross and farting he's just my sweetie. I tell him "I love you so much" and he says to me "much much mama". 

I am blessed to have my family standing behind me. They always support my decisions even when the outcome isn't clear. Even my idiot but well meaning brothers have really stepped up. 

 I'm spoiled. I'm a brat. I can be the biggest bitch you have ever met. But everything they do for me, for my child, without me asking, I appreciate it. I do for them. And they do for me. 

Ezra won't be raised with a "traditional" family like I was. He has a mom, a grampa(dada), an abuelita(abbi or "mom"), two uncles who adore him and a host of cousins, church family and friends who all step in to fill in the spaces. 

I over compensate with my son. Yes he's a little spoiled, but he's well behaved. He's the only baby I know with a bank account. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. He is my life, my love and I want him to know that mommy will do anything for him. I will protect him at all costs. From anyone who means us harm. 

My mom told Ezra tonight that she's so happy I kept him. That life would be void of meaning without him. That the thought of not seeing his face everyday makes her sad. 

She's right. 

Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent not on good terms with the other half of DNA is even harder. But this child makes everything worthwhile. Because one day, he will understand and see everything I've sacrificed for him. And he too will appreciate it. 

Parenting is the ultimate sacrifice. It's a sacrifice of love. Children make us so much more than we ever are without them. 

I love my son. 

Stanza

In my arms I hold the thing most precious to my heart 

We are covered in snot and drool

He's whimpering a bit 

But he's holding me in his sleep 

Because he knows that no matter what he's going thru

Mommas gonna be right there

❤️

The Devil Created Teething, a True Story

I hate this tooth. It is evil incarnate. Out of nowhere he falls on the steaming hot cement at the college crying. So I check his diaper, nada. I check to make sure there are no rocks in his shoes, diaper and mouth. And then I felt it. The sharp jagged edges of the devil himself. The tooth. People it's attempting to breach the gums!!! Man your posts!!! 

An hour later he's asleep the tooth has been numbed by ice and he's got four of his six babies surrounding him as a silent show of solidarity against the teething demon. 

Mom life. 

Sleeping (teething) Babies

I bathed his feet in warm water. 

Washed his little hands. 

Changed his diaper. 

Lotioned his feet and legs. 

Sang to him as I nursed him to sleep.  

Right before he drifted off, he said "love mama" 

My heart, he holds it in the palm of his tiny(sometimes diabolical) hands

Being a mother is everything.

It just is 

The Fulfillment of Destiny, The Joy of Purpose

                                                            

       

As I sit here in this hopsital waiting room, I take a moment to ponder the past two years. I reflect on the choices and decisions that have led me to this point in my life. I take a moment to reflect on how running from God put me in a curious predicament. A predicament fraught(? wrought) with joy coupled with sadness. I tried to circumvent God's plan for me two years ago. I lost sight of his love and mercy. But I've found it again. 

Out of the darkness an angel was born, naked except for the skin on his body. He is my joy on Earth. The sunshine on my cloudy days. His laugh is infectious. His smile so mischevous. He is my son. 

I wouldn't change a thing about my life because screwing up got me to this point. All my screw ups led to my son and I wouldn't change him for anything. He is so damn precious. He can say my name now. He gets mad at me and says "stacie!" and I say no my name is mama and he scrunches his nose up at me. 

Its really something to look at him and to see myself. He looks just like I did as a baby. He has dimples like my brother and is so doggone mischevous. He can climb on the couch by himself now. He knows how to use my phone to call my dad. He adores my dad so much. He wakes up looking for him. He is spoiled but not with material things. We spoil him with love and in return he loves us back.

His new favorite thing is to walk up to you and hug you and pat your back. He will go from person to person hugging them and patting them. He blows kisses when he says "I love you" and waves bye bye. He still only has the six teeth but thats okay. We are still continuing to nurse at 16mo strong. Ithink  nursing is the reason we have such a strong bond. He knows that my love is never contingent upon anything. He likes to wash my knees when we co-shower. He will go potty on his big boy potty when he feels like it, but not unless he's in the mood. 

I feel so blessed. I've  let go of the bitterness and anger towards KB. It wasn't helping me move on. At the end of the day I can only thank him for giving me Ezra. Everyday I share with this kid is doubly blessed. 

He Is my peace of mind, my purpose, and my destiny. 

Cherish The Day-Lalah Hathaway

Family. Thats really what life is all about right? That sense of belonging, people who accept you and your flaws. People that strive to show you love just to see you smile. I love my family. We are a crazy, loud and loving group. There is nothing that we can do to cause each other to turn our backs. Family is God sent, to be treasured and loved. Blood over everything. Thats always been the motto.

Sunday was one of those days where I was so grateful and appreciative for the people that God gave to me. Pooter's been sick, some kinda virus and he took a turn for the worse Sunday. It  started off with a fever of 101.1, nothing a little tylenol can't handle right? Then he started throwing up on people, his diarreaha got worse and he started coughing, like a dog. He  was crying and coughing and hacking and then he threw up and I was scared and in shock. They sprang into action, somehow I found myself with a packed diaper bag, sippy cup, chargers to both my cell and nook, shoes and pajamas for the baby. We were on our way to the BCCH, in my opinion the best childrens hospital. 

My  dad came with me, at the time I thought it was just because I was in no condition to drive but he didn't want me to be alone. He kept Pooter occupied with a steady YouTube playlist of Small Potatos, Sesame Street and random guitar solos while I got us checked in. They took some vitals and were concerned about his breathing. He sounded HORRIBLE so congested and still feverish and pooping up a storm. Now  the whole time we were there my mom, my cousins and my brothers were texting me. Trying to keep me calm so I didn't freak out. Then there was my dad, steady as a rock, lending me strength. To sum that up, after about four or five hours they deteremined tha he has croup. Most likely brought on by the virus he had been suffering from for over two weeks. A steroid was given, and some anti-nausea so that he would be able to keep his food down. 

I am so grateful to my family. It takes a village to raise a child, and my village is top rate. 

There are no words to express my gratitude to them. They've stepped up to fill in for his father without me asking. We want for nothing. Family, thats what life is about right?

There Are No Second Chances, This is a Brand New Day, A Brand New Mercy

Let me take a moment to prepare my thoughts...

Okay, So I'm still in a place of peace, but the devil came in and tried to disrupt that on Tuesday. I've always known I was going to be a single mom. I knew Ezra's father wasn't capable of being a full time father, and we don't need a weekend warrior around these parts. I have made it abundantly clear in past posts that his father has been an absent father with the exception of April to the end of June. I made it very clear to him that if he walked away again, there were no second chances. I'm not putting my child thru him walking in and out of his life whenever he feels its convenient to be a father. So the past three months of no communication were the answer that he was out of the picture. That and the conversation we had the last time we spoke in which he said "I'm starting my new family. Leave me alone." So I've been doing just that. Raising my son with the help of my family. Healing with the help of my church family. 

So imagine my disgust or rather my anger when he had the audacity to email me. First off the subject heading "poser" ticked me off  because of what it insinuated. Secondly in his email he said that 

           1. he didnt have my number anymore, which is a lie because he texted me after our last blow       up from a different number.

           2. He said that he had been emailing me and trying to contact me about seeing the baby and 

           3. he said he was "trying". 

My first reaction was just anger, I wanted to call him and cuss him three ways from Sunday, but that would be counterproductive right? So instead I took two  hours for myself. Left the baby with his grandparents and went to my girlfriends to clear my mind. While I was there I realized that he was just trying to tick me off. I also realized that since he's now married(Congrats btw if you read this. you two deserve each other) he probably wants Ezra to meet his cousin(cousin is the wife). That won't happen. I refuse to allow my son to be around someone who has threatened my well being. 

My second reaction was like seriously? He has a lot of nerve, boy bye. I know he's trying to avoid child support. smh children are expensive. Diapers are what 40$ for a box??? Not to mention clothing, car seats, toys and other things they need. I've never asked him for a dime, but I digress. 

I decided not to respond at all. Its counter productive to all the good things happening in my life. Ezra doesn't remember him. Its best that way. I will admit that he had my afternoon all fucked up for like two hours. I came home and let my folks read the email. I no longer keep secrets when it comes to him. So any and all correspondence they have access to. Their reactions were what I expected same as mine. 

Devil you tried. You failed. Leave me alone. Seriously.

I no longer am allowing my emotions to bind me. I refuse to be depressed over that nigga. God has so much more in store for me and for my son. Daily I plead the blood of Jesus over myself and my son because I refuse to be in a place of darkness and despair. I refuse to allow him to compromise my ability to parent. So while he may bad mouth me however subtly to his family about how I am raising my child, I am parenting the way that God has shown me. With love. 

I am a conqueror. No longer a victim.  

I am forever praying for God's mercy and his wisdom. God is my chance to do right by my son. 

Spiritual Wilderness

Sometimes you need to just bear witness. 

Today was much needed. If you aren't well rounded in your scripture you may not understand this. 

Today we talked about the wilderness. Spiritual wilderness. They were talking to me. I prayed last night and asked God for a sign, a clear one, easy to interpret. I got it. 

Bear with me. In the bible these people wandered around for 40yrs. God would tell them where to go, and they would just wander around another mountain. Ignoring what he said. They missed out on their blessings. They knew what was waiting for them but they stayed stuck. 

We also talked about the emotional vortex that is a woman. And how we experience any range of emotions and sometimes we get stuck in an emotional cycle. And how sometimes it's comfortable to stay in that cycle instead of forgiving yourself and moving on. Because while you are stuck you lose track of your  purpose. 

Now. I been stuck in this cycle for five years. Been stuck in an emotional vortex of hurt, anger, pain and bewilderment. I forgot my purpose messing around with kb. I got off track of my destiny being stuck in this emotional vortex. 

Today. I let go of the vortex. No more going in circles of the whys, and blah blah blah. I'm choosing myself, my son and Gods purpose for me. No more wandering in the wilderness. 

I almost didn't go. But thank God I did. ❤️

Like sometimes God will put you in a situation and then when he removes you so you can follow your destiny you get lost in the emotions and forget your purpose

Wake up mommy!

This morning I awoke to 28+ pounds of toddler crushing my chest. Arms wrapped around my neck and a sloppy wet kiss was placed on my cheek. I heard a sleepy "mama boobies?" And then he was nursing and rubbing my stomach. By the time I opened my eyes he had moved on to patting my cheek and staring at me. 

Since then we've used the potty twice, had prayer, rocked out to old school Christina Aguilera and Humpty Dumpty, had breakfast(fruit, turkey bacon and yogurt) and played catch. I realize at some point playing catch in the house will become a bad idea, but not today!!! 

Also, the apple juice I made him is icky but he likes it. I do not. It is not sweet enough but that was the point. I'll just avoid drinking from the sippy cup. 

Now... To hold and wait for the dr to pick up the line. Yes. Sigh. At done point this week I will have to return someone's call. But I just got my vibe restored and can't have it fugged up anytime soon!! 

Taking Back What the Devil Stole from ME

What does it mean to give "power" of yourself over to someone? It means their actions, words, basically their presence affects you in ways you can't control. So if they do something negative, it hurts you. Or if they do something nice it makes you happy. 

Reason this is being brought up is because over the past five years I gave someone entirely too much power over me. This person hurt me in ways unimaginable. Mistreated me emotionally. Was smart enough not to ever physically harm me. Mentally abused me. Had me thinking I deserved the way he treated me. But I DIDN'T

I don't. 

I never did. 

I never will. 

I am enough. 

I see that now. 

Do I "feel" a certain way about the things he's done? Hell yes, but that shit don't control my life. Do I begrudge him his happiness with whomever he chooses? Hell no, why? Because I am happier WITHOUT him. I am happy by myself. With my son. 

I've always been a strong woman. But his actions/lack thereof have made me STRONGER. I know I can survive without him. I am a strong, sexy single black mother who has taken back whatever power I gave to someone to harm me emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It's mine. 

I am enough. 

Sanity

Ugh so this mess with KB has left me emotionally dead. I'm getting ready for some big changes(moving) and all of a sudden since I'm moving now he has interest in his son? Seriously? Miss me with that please. I'm so tired of people acting like I'm the one keeping him away from his son. He's a grown ass man he knows where I'm at. Hell my schedule is so consistent he could randomly pop up and I'd be home. 

I think I'm just frustrated. Two months ago we were planning our wedding and now he's engaged to his cousin, living with her and I'm just like okay. I see you. I see what you've been showing me all along. 

Tonight I talked to his father(he initiated contact) and he was as he usually is regarding his son. Irritated that his son is making the same mistakes he did as a young man and I had to tell him. This is why Ezra has MY FATHERS LAST NAME.   I can't trust a man who don't take care of his own. 

I told his dad where I'm going and he was upset but it's not like he's a part of Ezra's life anyway so why do I care what he thinks? I'm doing what I gotta for me and my kid. For my sanity. 

I do not like feeling this way. I have good day, great days and then days that go from ok to flipping horrid. It sucks. Not to mention Ezra is in that everything is a tantrum stage. I'm over it. Gah!!!

Right now is that time where God is testing me again. I hate this test but I know there is something awesome when I come out of it. Something that will make all of this pain worth it. Yup. It's coming. 

Empty-topia

I'm in a really strange place emotionally. Sometimes it hurts and when I'm there it really hurts. But usually I'm just empty. The only emotion I have is love for my son. If I hadn't been thru this emotional merry go round before I'd be worried. But I'm not. 

Even knowing that at this very moment, I'm being villianified I lack the ability to muster any indignation. Why? Because history shows the truth. And my truth isn't a lie. It's not a  misappropriation of the facts. It simply is the unpolished truth. 

Everyone always says that the truth shall set you free. They never tell you that even with the truth there is a certain emptiness. An overwhelming emptiness that you continually battle. 

I pray daily that I defeat the emptiness. The daily range of emotions that I can go thru in a split second. The emotions that can turn from positive to negative in a heartbeat. And I know that my God is a miracle maker. 

Also as an interesting side note I have a mosquito bite. It itches. And I really want to scratch however since I don't want any more scars I won't. Gah! 

I meet with the photographer tomorrow. And I cancelled KB coming over because I don't feel like dealing with him. Nor hearing the numerous ways in failing my son. Nor hearing about how I need to parent because my one year old is "soft". 

Instead I'm going to see TMNT with my son and my brother. Go me. 

Also I had to stop watching the news. It made me cry buckets. 

Is There Any Value on Black Life?

As I look at the news, read the paper, scroll thru my timeline on FB, or even wait in line at the grocery store I'm assaulted by images of black boys being killed by police officers. The very men who take an "oath" to "serve and protect" blah blah blah. Yet innocent black children are being killed. Very few get noticed by the media, our deaths aren't important enough. Black life lacks any level of importance to people. 

I fear for my son as a mother. A mother of a black boy, who will one day grow up into a black man. America's number one enemy. Sometimes I imagine that the state of mind towards black men will change. People won't look twice when a black man gets into an elevator with them. We won't be stereotyped, robbed of opportunities because of RIDICULOUS names given to us by parents that didn't know better, and most importantly we won't have to fear when our boys, our men leave the house. 

We won't have to worry about committing the ultimate crime, being black while in america. There is no value on black life in america. Yes its purposely lowercased. Why should I respect a country that doesn't value my life, the life of my child, the life of my brothers, or my father? As my son grows older and becomes more independent and does more on his own, I will worry. I'll worry because america isn't safe if you've got a tinge to your skin. America isn't safe if you were born with melatonin in your skin. 

As a black mother I fear for my son's life. I fear that one day some trigger happy racist will kill him. Just for being black. 

We can say all we want that racism is dead and gone. But maybe its time we stopped sleep walking and woke the hell up. Racism is very much alive. Its active. Instead of wearing white sheets, they wear blue uniforms. They wear street clothes. They are our teachers, doctors, neighbors, employers, or the people who pass you on the street. 

Open your eyes, you might be shocked just what you see 

Welcome to the Teething Apocalypse

The days and nights are beginning to blend into one another. My son isn't sleeping due to extreme teething pain. Which means mommy isn't sleeping either. Last night he woke up every 1.5hrs on the dot. He cried and fussed, then he would latch on to nurse and fall asleep. We did this tango ALL NIGHT. 

Today was no different. Up at 7am and he was so fussy and cranky I had him napping by 11am. He slept till maybe 130pm and that's when something truly interesting happened. He was fussing and wanted to nurse, so I changed his diaper and he latched on. He nursed for a moment and then let go and looked at my nipple. My nipple was BLEEDING like that's NEVER HAPPENED before. I dabbed at it with a breast pad before slathering my nipple with lanolin and hitting the inter webs for advice. 

So what I've learned today about bleeding nipples is as follows. 

1.) Correct the latch/position. 

2.) Make sure to feed from the not hurt side first, then switch since they are more gentle when they aren't ravenous. 

3.) Use lanolin 

4.) When teething it's best to go back to the basics. Reteach the latch and go from there. 

5.) Most importantly ITS OKAY TO CONTINUE NURSING EVEN WITH THE BLEEDING. 

I really have some awesome booby friends. 13mo strong with breastfeeding. The force is still with us!!

Also as a funny note, this situation has promoted several individuals in my life to tell me to QUIT nursing my son. I always find it hilarious when others attempt to control MY breasts. My breasts were made for nourishment as a primary function, NOT sexual pleasure. Stay in your lane!  

People on their WORST BEHAVIOR

Life is funny, people can and often do exceed my expectations of shitty behavior. I always see it coming and I always hope I'm wrong. For example, KB did in fact show up Friday. With two packs of diapers Ezra is in fact ALLERGIC to, one pkg of wipes, and three outfits that are so big it will be another two years before he grows Into them. Did I also mention that he took the diapers out of the boxes so I can't exchange them(per walmart return policy for diapers)?  Looking on the bright side, at least he did that right? It's the most he's done in the 13mo of Ezra's life. 

I told him I was thinking seriously about just putting him on CS(child support) and he got all mad at me. His voice got all high pitched and crap like it usually does when he's upset. I didn't even have the heart to tell him that his face looks like a hairy vagina. He's trying to grow a beard again. Looks ridiculous. 

I wonder if he wanted me to pat him on the back or to commend him for actually doing something for his son. If that's the case he can keep waiting. No one commends me for anything I do for my son or for anyone else. So he can just shove it. 

Also to continue the tirade on shitty behavior I should expect out of people. My brother did in fact call me a "bitch", tell me to go "fuck myself" and call me numerous other joyful adjectives describing how much of a horrid person I am. He also went on to say that no man would ever love "me and my bastard baby" and say "is it any wonder KB keeps leaving you and Ezra for his 22yr old cousin". At that point I reversed the car and he may or may not have been in the way however that isn't the point here. He's now acting like he never said these things. He's trying to be my "BFF" and "be nice" and "hang out" because he wants something. I'm still waiting for an apology. 

To sum it all up, some people just suck and can go even below your lowest expectations. 

KB randomness

Also as a random side note, KB is in theory dropping off some diapers and wipes for the baby. I am in fact not believing he will actually show up because as a random fact HE NEVER DOES.  I haven't told the baby he was coming over either. He's just stopped asking for him. Maybe he will bite his dad when he comes over? A gal can hope!

Gah Parenting Inadequacies

Everyone has those days where they feel totally inadequate as a parent. The days where nothing and I do mean NOTHING can make the small human happy. The days where it seems like every waking moment(even some sleeping ones) are a battle. The days where even tho it's sunny outside there is a small thundercloud chasing you around the house crying. That was today. 

From the moment we woke up this am, I was fighting a losing battle. I looked at him funny, he cried. I sang Maroon 5, he screamed. I asked if he wanted some of my eggs and he had a temper tantrum that would put actors to shame. I finally gave up and did the one thing that usually keeps him reasonably happy. Nursing. 

But then he bit my stomach and I returned the love. At which point he proceeded to follow me around the kitchen screaming and crying and screaming. I knew the evil culprit. Teething. 

Teething can be equated to an evil force, that takes an ordinarily happy baby and turns them into a child from the exorcist. And because the child hurts and they can't communicate that to us, they seek to inflict pain to us as well. It's a mean cycle, ruthless and vicious. 

So tonight was an early bedtime. I'm worn out. And these 45min naps he's taking aren't doing it for me. I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe the teething apocolapyse will give me a brief break? A mom can hope!

Yeah life can suck BUT there are always positives to any situation

I think in life we spend so much time focusing on the negatives that we completely forget about the positives in negative situations. Lately my life has been like a rerun of a horrible tv sitcom. But there is always a silver lining. My son :)

Over the past few weeks since his fathers been MIA, his vocabulary has grown. He can now say "love you", "thank you", "alright", and "handsome". He's also learned to say his name. He helps me pick up toys and put clothes in the washing machine. We've also started a bedtime ritual where we go give everyone goodnight kisses, wash his feet and lotion them, then we read a book in bed and cuddle/nurse to sleep. 

Even this morning he wanted me to read to him. I read a book and he sat in my lap and read a book. It was nice. 

I called the advisors for my classes and I only need 9 classes to graduate. Which is AWESOME however life has thrown a curve ball which I hope to rectify tomorrow. I figure once I have my associates in general studies maybe I can figure out what I can use it for. 

KB is supposed to bring over some diapers, wipes and clothes this Friday. But I trust him doing that about as much as I would trust him alone with the baby. Not one bit. I was going to be indignant if he bought it with his gf/cousins money. But then I was like if she's stupid enough to buy my kid stuff with her money. JOKES ON HER. He didn't even know what size diapers or clothes the baby wears. He doesn't even know which brand he's allergic too!! He didn't ask either. 

Right now, pooter is asleep on my stomach. (I took a test and it was negative! Which is good but now I know I really need to go to the dr because my anxiety is making me physically ill). Teething and a growth spurt is never fun but it is necessary. 

As a mother I always question whether or not I'm making the right choices for my son, for our family and I can finally say I'm starting to trust my judgement. 

Self Respect, Where Did Mine Go???

I find myself wondering lately WHERE DID MY SELF RESPECT GO??? Why did I again trust in someone who has time and time again shown me that they can't be trusted. Why did I chose to believe in a man who has continually disrespected me, cheated on me, and walked away from me? I only have one answer. 

Love makes you stupid. Love makes you blind. Love caused me to accept imperfections I prayed he was serious about fixing. 

Instead I once again find myself in the same situation I was in two years ago. 

Dammit. I really wanted things to work out. 

I guess it wasn't meant to be?

However I will still choose to trust in God. I will cling to his promise of a brighter day and a happier future. Because at the end of the day I am blessed. Even if I'm alone. I am still blessed. 

Fluffy pink hippos

Today I spent most of my day at a funeral for my aunt T. Her body looked beautiful, it looked like she was asleep. And for the most part, her family behaved ( except the lady in the purple suit who jumped on the casket wailing and screaming ). 

The baby spent the whole day with his uncles. I will admit that I was a wee bit worried but when I finally got home he was alive and well. He had even taken a nap ❤️❤️❤️

KB's girl is still stalking my other blog. Apparently now I'm a "bitch" as well as a "bad mother". Over it. After Friday/Thursdays debacle with his heifer he finally lowered himself enough to text me at 650am sat morning asking if the baby was up. Smh. 

I haven't been feeling well at all the past few days and today at the church I was just so dang hot. All that food was making me nauseas. I'm still ick in the stomach but I want ice cream. #thestruggle

Ezra isn't feeling well so I'm up with him. He keeps waking up crying. He will sleep if he's on my chest or layingn across my body with me patting him but my stomach can't handle that and he's heavy. Hopefully he calms back down soon. 

I miss my tumblr mamas 😩

So much drama

After being verbally assaulted most of today by his cousin/gf I decided. Fuck tumblr. Fuck him. And fuck her. 

No matter what lies anyone spreads about me I am a good mother. My son never goes without. 

I'm just so upset right now. And it's all becaus I trusted him. 

Death to a Dead Relationship

My tumblr blog has ceased to be a safe place for me to air any type of feelings regarding my life or the growth of my child. As a result I was bottling feelings up as usual and I just can't risk them going volcano style on anyone. 

KB has once again proved to me that he hasn't changed. He's not the man that I need. He's not the father Ezra needs not deserves. He as usual was cheating on me and got mad when he got caught. So childish. So this is a lesson to me. When people show you their true colors BELIEVE THEM, it will save some heartache. 

I was getting all bent out of shape because I was going out of my way to make things work and he kept saying things to me like "I want a Muslim wife". And by George there is NO WAY I am converting. My religious conviction is with Jesus Christ, not Elijah Mohammad. It was the little things like the spectacle he made of himself in the dr office over immunizations. Or the fact that he just completely stopped calling or even coming over to see his son. 

Somewhere during the past month when I realized that he was talking to his cousin again(his ex) I realized that maybe, just maybe I deserve better. Maybe I deserve someone who will actually want to be around me. Someone who will willingly help me with Ezra. Someone who I don't have to beg to come spend time with me. I deserve someone who loves God and will love me the same. 

If I'm pregnant again I will deal with it the same way I did last time. Alone, and when I give birth he won't be there. He has no more chances left. It's time for me to just leave him in the past. Ezra is young enough that he won't remember him. And it's not like he's ever financially helped with him so that won't change. He always has some bs excuse as to why he can't buy a pack of flipping diapers. He doesn't realize that I know who and how he's spending his money. I'm not dumb. 

One thing this ordeal has showed me is that I wasn't in love with him. I just didn't want my son to have a broken home. But maybe the family I was trying so desperately to keep together was meant to be broken in order for something better to happen. 

What do I do, so much history, so much pain to overcome

Do I continue to fight for my family? For the man I love? For the man I created my son with? Do I continue to fight against numerous odds to make sure my son isn't the product of a broken home? Do I fight against not only his but my destructive sabotaging behaviors? Do I fight for what God has shown me? 

Or is is it just my deepest hearts desires for my son to end up with both mother and father, one home one love? 

Or do I walk away never knowing if things would have gotten better. Do I stay still and wait for him to fight for me. Do I wait for him to show me that he wants me and only me. Or am I waiting in vain. For someone who will never love me for me. Crazy and all. 

I want to communicate my fears. I want him to tell me they don't matter. That we are what he wants. That he wants to be a family. 

So many questions. But no visible answers. 

Forgiveness is really for me

Sometimes I really don't have words to express what I'm feeling. Or I really don't feel like it matters to people. Or even if I expressed myself they wouldn't care because we live in a self absorbed society where we do what we want with no hint of repercussions to others. I don't feel like a priority to some, when it's obvious I've made them a priority in my life. So many things to think about. So many actions to interpret.

👉Forgiveness🙌🙌🙌 It's not just for them, it's really for you. 👈

I'm over words. Like people can say anything but can they be about it? Can they live that life? Can they back up their words and promises? Sometimes people show you over and over who they are, but you chose to continue believing the best in them. To trust their intentions are to your benefit, good no harm. 

I'm working for my happy ending. It my not be exactly as I envisioned it. But it will be mine. I'll look back and think on everything that occurred and feel peace. 

Beauty is Reflected in Your Eyes

There are a multitude of ways to describe what I see when I look into your big beautiful brown eyes. I see root beer floats on a hot summer day. I see a wealth of love and emotion. I see beautiful dark brown eyes not unlike your mommies. Your dads are different shade of brown but still beautiful. I see amazing intelligence especially for someone so young. All I know is that when I look into your big beautiful brown eyes I'm struck with love even as you pelt me with grapes. 

Aimlessly Drifting

There is something literally so calming about sitting in the dark and listening the KL(kendrick lamar). Sometimes the noise of the world just seems to crowd my thoughts out and I just need to chill. I realize I've been doing these bullshit posts that don't really say much. I haven't wanted to delve too deeply into my psyche this close to Ezra's birthday. I actually in general dislike delving into the amplified mess that is my brain.  Bear with me.

Life:  In general is going pretty great. I'm currently fighting for my sanity with this teething apocalypse but so far I've yet to snap on anyone. I'm fighting this fleeting stomach bug, which could be attributed to some unvoiced anxiety crap I'm covering up. I've bitten ALL my nails off again. Like I don't even notice I'm doing it. Its like someone else is pointing it out to me constantly. FML. This is generally the issue I have with opening up. Once I do its so flipping hard to shut it off. I'm either open and feeling my emotions and feeling vulnerable(I hate vulnerability, it gives people power over you), OR I'm seemingly closed off when I'm really like a duck calm on the surface and paddling furiously under the surface. 

Life continued: Lately I've been feeling everything times ten. Like the other morning, Ezra spooned me and I started crying. Like wth, I wasn't sad or anything it was just one of those things where you realize your baby ain't a baby anymore. I always find it so amusing and a little disturbing that my family never notices these nuances in behavior. We are all so wrapped up in our own personal tragedies and dramas that we never notice what is happening right in our own homes. I suppose I shouldn't really be shocked tho. I know my family. When I was dealing with the black cloud a few weeks ago, my mother told me I just need to go to church more. That God is the solution to my mood swings. I just looked at her. I haven't been to church since. I can attribute that to me not feeling well physcially. I haven't really gone a lot of places. I really hate puking in public. Its not sanitary. 

9 Days Till Ezra's birthday: I dislike when people try to force me into making this a huge disaster. Sweet and simple thats how I roll. Family, a few friends and food. Wii fun, maybe a dance competition depending on the state of my stomach and just lowkey fun. Ezra's little cousins will be there, not too sure about his cousin on his dad's side but w/e. 

Me: Kendrick Lamar makes me numb to the chaos in my mind, the disarray in my life, and the cracks in my armour. I took some medicine for nausea. It has yet to kick in. I think I'm going stir crazy being stuck in the house again. Esp with Ezra teething, I'm going insane. I have literally no one to talk to about things. I've tried to but they are in their own melodramas. Hence me opening up here. 

You guys don't judge me for what I feel no matter how crazy it is. You probably know more about me than the people in my life. Why? They don't really care about the inner workings of me, moreso about how I can benefit them in the long run. I don' doubt they love me, but we all have some warped twisted definition of love. No one loves the same, no one definition is the same. I think the most important thing is that I love myself. I'm searching for something I am passionate about besides my son. I need to identify myself as something other than his mom, that seems to be important to everyone. I'm happy being a mom. I love what the job entails. I just kinda wish I could get a hour break. Doing this daily with no help can wear me down, esp right now with the teething and me not feeling well. It just kinda sucks ass.

I seem to have rambled on a bit here. Sorry. If you made it this far, kudos! 

dueces 

Love, daddy's girl, and other smushy stuff ❤️💏

There are seriously a few days out of the year that I absolutely LOVE. One being my birthday of course, Super Bowl Sunday, any holiday that involves food and Father's Day. I am a daddy's girl. I love my dad with a passion that has always ruled my life. This year I got to celebrate with my daddy and the man who has my heart. I didn't take many pictures, I was too busy counting my blessings. I was busy being in the moment and making memories. 

I was busy watching Ezra love on his daddy. Stealing his food at the restaurant. I was watching the joy in my dad's eyes as he watched his grandson and his SIL interact. I was busy trying not to become a emotional woman because months ago I didn't see this coming. God is awesome and he hears prayers. He has mended my little family, and while we are still growing together. We are doing it together, one day at a time. 

Today marked my daddy's 28th Father's Day. I told him "I hope you had a great day" and he told me "everyday that you have a smile on your face is a great day" I love my daddy. I love my chips ahoy. 

Today I am in fact swimming in love.

Parenting is a Journey in Insanity

The title says it all. 

I need like five hours away from the baby. Maybe I will get a sitter and just go sit at the park for like five hours and smoke a pack of cigs. Uggggggggh 

Mental Health

so much has been going on lately. I'm getting married. My grampa is in a assited living facility by our house. And I'm losing my fucking mind. I have no idea why. I just feel like everything is out of control I have no idea who I can trust. I don't even know what is wrong. I just feel like crying. I've tried to open up to KB about things but he's not concerned. Even with him being in the picture and being active in our lives I still feel like a single parent. I feel just overwhelmed. I've been trying to talk to ANYONE who knows me, who knows what happened the last time it got this bad but no one of course is here. no one has noticed that i'm not myself. I really don't think anyone cares. Hell if it wasn't for my son I wouldn't be trying to fight this feeling. This dark feeling can swoop me up if i'm not careful. Everyday this fight gets a little harder. and everyday I feel a little more alone. Like is this depression? i'm tired of being there for everyone else and no one being there for me when i need them. i need a break. i need a fucking mental health day. I just want to be alone. ijust want to feel normal again. i spend so much time doing for everyone else that I don't do for me. i literally have no fucks left to give. 

fuck it. 

I Blame You

The past few weeks since I've last posted have been nothing short of amazing. The truth has been weeded out, liars have been revealed and ALL things are working together for my good. I haven't been this happy in a long time. 

Yesterday KB and I took the baby out for a family day. We went and got some baby clothes, priced car seats, meandered in the bookstore, had an early dinner, walked thru the park and saw a movie together. It was a day of reaffirming commitments and exploring past hurts. It was an awesome day. 

Today we went to a birthday party together.  And our son is so happy to have us both. He just smiles. And he loves his daddy. It's written all over his face when he looks at him. 

Ez is cutting a tooth you can see and feel it! This tooth has strengthened our nursing bond too. He is having a good sleeping period too. It's nice ❤️

God is a healer. A restorer, a motivator, a lover and a true friend. He's healing my family and restoring my best friend and I to each other. I'm just falling in love. 

Trust

So once again I decided to trust him. Foolish girl that I am, yes I said girl because even tho I am a woman. I don't always think like one. People don't change. I always foolishly believe the best in people. Always. 

He was talking marriage and all that other shit. And I just had this feeling. That he was up to something. Well upon speaking with his father (who he hates with a passion). It was revealed to me that he hadn't changed. And he was just saying what he thought my family wanted to hear. 

So I asked him are you still involved in any relationships with other women. He simply said yes. But was unable to say WHY he entertained any mentions of marriage to me. Other than it was an idea. 

You can't play with peoples hearts like that. And just expect them to roll over and play dead whenever shit comes out. 

I am a person. I have feelings. Yeah I act like a cold emotionless bitch. But I do cry. But not over him. Ever again. I promised myself that. 

Oh and to top shit off his ex wife wants me to keep my bastard baby away from her son. She attempted to bad mouth me to his father who quickly put her in check. She's jealous that his family likes me. I don't care one way or another. That's my sons family and I will allow them to know him inspite of his dad being a lying jack off. 

So. I can't help but feel there is some deep rooted message in all of this. And I can only pray that God protects my son. I don't want him ending up like his brother. God is in the midst of it all. 

I think I'm more mad at me for believing in him again. I'm not even gonna mention anything to my parents about this. Or he'll never see the baby. I can't allow MY feelings to remove him from this situation. And I can honestly say. I don't love him anymore. At all. 

Sleep, the ever elusive dream

I am craving arms to hold me as I sleep. Arms to relax me while I weep. Someone to love me unconditionally. 

Meh

Having such an emotional emptiness toward people is quite refreshing. This lack of emotion makes it easier for me to deal with my sons fathers lack of interest in him. Like right now in this moment aside from physical pain from rough housing with my nephew. I'm totally chilled. 

We got the baby new sneakers. His old ones were too small. I got them march 21 like he seriously grew a size and a half in three weeks. These stride right shoes are expensive too man. 

Life is flowing freely and w/o issue. ❤️

so many changes

Ahhh life seems to be changing rapidly for all of my loved ones. My bro moved out with his lady. My Grampa is experiencing some changes of his own in regards to his mental state. As a family we are experiencing life changing decisions. More importantly as a mother I am becoming more at peace in my singleness. 

The realization that I am an awesome mom still shocks me daily. In spite of my many mistakes I feel confident in my ability to raise this small humanlike individual. 

Side note: I had a nightmare that my ex tried to get custody of my son. I remember screaming at him "he doesn't even know you!!! Being a parent is a full time job!!!"  But then there was a major plot twist and it was his gf(cousin) on the screen yelling "now their both mine bitch". I woke up in tears. 

However I am still looking forward to my blessing. I can feel it creeping around the corner. And I'm ready for this season of trials to be OVER 

The last week I've been in communication with my ex. It started off as just about the baby but it fell back into our old pattern. Just like nothing ever happened. So I had to tell him that we can't be friends. We can talk about the baby, but nothing else. I'm not in a place where I don't care about what happened. I still care. And until I can be happy for him and the whore we don't need to be friends. 

Of course he got a bit mad at me. But hell I admitted I was jealous and I was very mature about shit. I don't have to be. 

I am really just praying that God sends a helpmeet. 

The Diagnosis

I haven't been able to sleep well tonight. In spite of taking a fircocet to help with my migraine. I no longer feel like I'm going to mentally explode but I miss the days where life was much simpler. The days before this disease(severe dementia and Alzheimer's) took over our lives.

For the past ten years every waking moment of every day has been devoted to caring for him. Major family moments have been missed because he can't be left alone. Graduations, births, reunions, holidays and we haven't been ANYWHERE as a family since he came out here. We never get to go out to eat as a family. My dad can't go to church because he has to stay home with my grandfather. The weekends are my time. 

Everybody is on edge and not sleeping and stressed out. Dementia makes him unpredictable, violent, and crazy. And it's all directed at me. When in was pregnant after I moved back home and was put on bed rest. He hit me with his cane. Since then his level of violence has increased. If there is a male home he isn't as violent with me. They won't allow it. 

I feel bad for my mom. She's got tough decisions to make. Things we've avoided thinking about for ten years. 

Why am I up at 3am?? Well he got out of his wheel chair (finally) and was meddling in the kitchen. He was trying to turn on the oven(which was unplugged). And he had pooped himself and was arguing with me about how the poop got on him. For some reason whenever he goes on himself it's my fault. Like I have magical bodily functions that I direct towards him. 

Did I mention my parents heard us arguing and walked in as he tried to whack me while I was holding Ezra??? My dad has to clean him. Bathe him. Wipe his butt. When he lets me I clean his behind. But it doesn't matter cause he just keeps shitting on himself. So in the course of a day I clean three asses, mine, the babies and his. 

The decisions we make aren't being taken lightly. This isn't some "they never tried " Scenerio. This is a "we are at our wits end" type of thing. There don't seem to be any other options. We need a break. My moms family is absolutely worthless and useless. So it falls to us. And I do mean us as the collective family, my parents, my brothers and myself, will all be having a meeting this week about what to do. 

This a vent/rant/explanation/prose

Shockingly enough my ex kept me busy texting me and keeping me distracted so I didn't lose my shit. Today was scary and stressful. I just keep wondering when is God gonna take him. He just keeps getting worse and more depressed like when will it end? 

NWTS

So since last week when I last posted things have subtly changed. My ex FaceTimed our son twice, once with his other child and once just him. Conversation is of course AWKWARD. And I feel emotionally removed which is a good thing. I stil haven't given him my number. He doesn't need it nor deserve it. He can email me. That works for a line of communication. 

The baby smiles when he sees him, but I think it's cuz I've kept showing him the video his father sent before our last blow up. I felt it was important for him to at least know that his father loves him. Even if he wasn't ready to grow up. 

He tried to apologize to me last night. I declined it under the grounds that it's the same shit. He will say he is sorry for the pain he's caused me, the financial stress, emotional distress and then turn around and repeat. I think he was hurt I didn't roll over and play dead. Yeah I'm not the one. 

My cousin is mad at me. She makes me feel stupid and is extremely bossy towards me. So I finally told her how I felt(nicely) and she went off on me. About EVERYTHING, like she text me a freaking novel. So I blocked her. In a few days I will unblock her. Maybe. I shouldn't have to justify WHY she makes me feel that way. I think we need a break.

Ezra has been saying dada. I really didn't want him to say that word but he is. I'm also getting tired of the verbal slams regarding my ex from my dad, and everyone else who THINKS they know but really doesn't. YES he hurt me, YES he left, YES  he was unfaithful but there is always more than we both tell. What is it Rihannon said

          "and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside to    

            know that I am happy with some other guy" 

I just wish everyone could acknowledge that GOD CAN CHANGE PEOPLE FOR THE BETTER. we can't judge folks, that isn't our place. My mom told my dad that today. I'm always praying that God move in the situation and change his heart and his mindset. It's a good feeling knowing my mom is too. 

I'm emotionally empty unless it's regarding my son. I'm not willing to invest anymore of myself in people that continually hurt me. It's not even all that important. 

Time for prayer, then bed. Church in the morning. 

What is a Single Mother

A single mother is a woman who has been left with the responsibility of raising a child created by two individuals. She is considered the primary caregiver and shoulders the responsibility of the child's well-being. By responsibility I mean financial as well as physical and everything in between. 

A single mother is someone who has gathered up every ounce of strength in her body to take care of her child and herself. She may live with family. She may live alone. However the fact remains that she is a single mother. 

Just some thoughts. 

Awkward Comminication

So after the FAILED email attempt at communication yesterday, my ex emails me today that he wants to FaceTime the baby. Yeah sure no prob, this better than nothing right? So the baby stink eyes him and his brother because obviously he doesn't know them. I coax a smile or two outta him just so his dad can see what he's missed.  He sees the baby walking. End of communication right?

NO so he emails me again about random nothing. Trying to act like nothing has changed. Therefore I'm caking on the sarcasm. Like if sarcasm was frosting you'd need a butcher knife or an ax to cut thru it. He's oblivious as always but what else is new. I don't trust him nor his actions. At all. 

In other news the baby said Git mama today. I tried to take his diaper off and he ran little booger.