NWTS

So since last week when I last posted things have subtly changed. My ex FaceTimed our son twice, once with his other child and once just him. Conversation is of course AWKWARD. And I feel emotionally removed which is a good thing. I stil haven't given him my number. He doesn't need it nor deserve it. He can email me. That works for a line of communication. 

The baby smiles when he sees him, but I think it's cuz I've kept showing him the video his father sent before our last blow up. I felt it was important for him to at least know that his father loves him. Even if he wasn't ready to grow up. 

He tried to apologize to me last night. I declined it under the grounds that it's the same shit. He will say he is sorry for the pain he's caused me, the financial stress, emotional distress and then turn around and repeat. I think he was hurt I didn't roll over and play dead. Yeah I'm not the one. 

My cousin is mad at me. She makes me feel stupid and is extremely bossy towards me. So I finally told her how I felt(nicely) and she went off on me. About EVERYTHING, like she text me a freaking novel. So I blocked her. In a few days I will unblock her. Maybe. I shouldn't have to justify WHY she makes me feel that way. I think we need a break.

Ezra has been saying dada. I really didn't want him to say that word but he is. I'm also getting tired of the verbal slams regarding my ex from my dad, and everyone else who THINKS they know but really doesn't. YES he hurt me, YES he left, YES  he was unfaithful but there is always more than we both tell. What is it Rihannon said

          "and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside to    

            know that I am happy with some other guy" 

I just wish everyone could acknowledge that GOD CAN CHANGE PEOPLE FOR THE BETTER. we can't judge folks, that isn't our place. My mom told my dad that today. I'm always praying that God move in the situation and change his heart and his mindset. It's a good feeling knowing my mom is too. 

I'm emotionally empty unless it's regarding my son. I'm not willing to invest anymore of myself in people that continually hurt me. It's not even all that important. 

Time for prayer, then bed. Church in the morning. 

What is a Single Mother

A single mother is a woman who has been left with the responsibility of raising a child created by two individuals. She is considered the primary caregiver and shoulders the responsibility of the child's well-being. By responsibility I mean financial as well as physical and everything in between. 

A single mother is someone who has gathered up every ounce of strength in her body to take care of her child and herself. She may live with family. She may live alone. However the fact remains that she is a single mother. 

Just some thoughts. 

Awkward Comminication

So after the FAILED email attempt at communication yesterday, my ex emails me today that he wants to FaceTime the baby. Yeah sure no prob, this better than nothing right? So the baby stink eyes him and his brother because obviously he doesn't know them. I coax a smile or two outta him just so his dad can see what he's missed.  He sees the baby walking. End of communication right?

NO so he emails me again about random nothing. Trying to act like nothing has changed. Therefore I'm caking on the sarcasm. Like if sarcasm was frosting you'd need a butcher knife or an ax to cut thru it. He's oblivious as always but what else is new. I don't trust him nor his actions. At all. 

In other news the baby said Git mama today. I tried to take his diaper off and he ran little booger. 

Thoughts on the Failed Communication Attempt

I waited because I knew I needed to be able to speak with you free of anger resentment and hurt. But your ambivalence towards your actions and lack of willingness to even compromise just spurs those feelings back up. I DONT NEED YOU. Isn't that the cliche that most women use when they've been abandoned? I think I've proven so far that I don't need you. Would it have been easier ? Perhaps, in some aspects but your very stubborn and I'm prideful. 

Being a single mother isn't a hardship if you have a village behind you. And I stand firm on the belief that if you TRULY wanted to be a part of your sons life. You would be. I wouldn't have to reach out to you and offer it to you. 

Emailing you was pointless. Your state of mind is still the same. Your still running game and avoiding your problems. Please grow up and stop wasting valuable time with our son. 

I'm in my feels tonight

So I had to email the baby daddy to establish yet another point of contact with him. Why is it always ME that's reaching out? Communication goes both ways dammit. 

 

Ugh. I emailed ALL his emails even his private ones(he uses for hookups) this has backfire potential. 

I hate being the bigger person. 

The freaking end. 

Also the baby is now ACTIVELY calling my dad "dada" in spite of everyone calling him "Gus" or "Grampa". Yay me. But he's finally addressing me as "mamama" it melts my heart. 

Shoes and the complex thoughts that follow

Today was one of those monumental days in my motherhood journey. Babies first pair of shoes.... I Wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. Like seriously??? My baby is growing up on me. The older he gets the more it sets in that his father isn't coming back. 

Sometimes I feel kinda stupid for holding onto hope that something touches his heart. Sometimes(all the time) I feel stupid for still loving him. Sometimes I hate him for leaving. Raising a child is some serious business. There are all these important moments you know that should be shared with someone. I don't have that option. Ahhhhhh

My son said the dreaded "d" word. I've been super careful to NOT say dad around him. We call my dad Gus, my Grampa Grampa. It was supposed to help with the not saying of that word. Instead. My son randomly starts saying dada, and it really messed me up. I got so upset I had to go to adult time out and calm down. 

Even today at the shoe store (stride rite) I got so upset watching my dad walk the baby around the place in his new shoes. I wanted him to have that relationship with his own father. The relationship that my ex was denied from his father. 

Single parenting is lonely, it's hard and it's rewarding. I do wish at times there was someone else to wake up in the middle of the night so I could actually sleep. Or maybe take a shower alone. Or even someone just to talk to. I miss that. 

When he walked I lost my man and my best friend. Now the things I used to tell him I just keep inside. I wonder if God is punishing me. Will there ever be someone to love me and love my son? Or am I undeserving of that love? 

These are the thoughts that come from marking major milestones without him there. Regardless of how I may be feeling I just need to keep the faith that things WILL change. 

Yep

It's Cray Cray I Say!!!

The small human who calls me mom, has put absolutely everything into his mouth in the past hour. Everything from newspaper to magazine covers. And to top it off when I stick my finger in his mouth to get it out theres so much drool escaping I can’t figure out if he swallowed it or what. Then he gets mad at me and starts yelling at me and calling my dad (guac guac) and looking at me like mama you in trouble now. 

The small humanlike alien smacked me in the breast this morning and screaming mama. I think that was his way of letting me know it was time for breakfast. He’s lucky I love him otherwise I’d give him a wet Willy.

Delirious

 

Snuggles. Snuggles. The human in my bed stole my covers. I explained to him that he’s SMALL and there are more than enough covers to share. He shook his head rolled over and went back to sleep. He has too much of his mothers personality. 

Now I must steal my covers back. And go back to bed. Wish me luck. This tiny human bites.

The Small Human

Sometimes I look at him and I fall in love all over again. It never ceases to amaze me that two imperfect people made perfection. From his curly blondish red hair to his tiny toes that look like fingers. This child who is so much like me, not just in his looks but in his personality, holds my heart is the palm of his tiny hand. 

Every time I look at him it's like all the bs just fades to black. He makes everything worthwhile. I am so blessed. 

Family is my Chosen Truth

This weekend I realized just how precious family is. I come from a huge family. My dad is one of 13 brothers and sisters and growing up I was really close with my cousins. Everyone moved away, went to school or got married and had some kids. This was the first time we had all been together in years.

 My cousin Shelley Smith who just got traded to the Miami Dolphins(from the St. Louis Rams) got married. It was a beautiful ceremony, the bride was radiant, glowing really and my cousin looked so happy. He just couldn't stop grinning. When Lindsey walked down the aisle he cried, I cried, hell I think all of us were in tears by the end of the ceremony. Thier vows were from the heart and unique. This union is blessed, you could feel the love. I've never seen him so happy.

So after the wedding the first song they had everybody out there dancing. He turned around and saw me and looked so shocked and happy. He gave me a huge ass hug and I realized that it doesn't matter that he's famous now, he's still my little big cousin with a big heart and wonderful smile. I had so much fun reconnecting with my family. So much fun that we decided to have an impromptu family BBQ the next day. 

There were three generations of Smiths there and all I could think was I am so blessed. My son will grow up having that close relationship with his cousins just like I did. All the kids were running in and out the house playing and all that was missing was my Grampa herb.  I got a little emotionally overwhelmed and I started crying and had to excuse myself for a moment. 

I didn't expect my family to be so supportive of me or of my son. We weren't raised to be single moms. Our parents are PK's(preachers kids) so that was NEVER what was intended for us. And to receive an outpouring of nonjudgemental love just did something for me. 

This weekend was beyond awesome. 

Family is everything. 

Family is really the true definition of love. Family is my truth. 

The Apple in my Eye, Holds the Keys to my Heart

My usual manner in blogging is to just open my mind and let the words hit the screen. Only after I've written do I ever come up with a concept of a title. Mostly on here I blog about the angst I've experienced as a single mother. This is due to the abandonment issues I have with my sons father. So today, tonight I think I'd like to blog about the terrific little human being who looks at me with stars in his eyes. My pooter. 

This morning I woke up with a gorgeous guy in my bed. I was a little disoriented due to the fact it was almost ten am and I was sure my grandfather had set the house on fire. But lo and behold, all was calm and the small image of myself was curled up into me fast asleep. His blond curls gently tickled my chin. He smelled of baby lotion and hair oil. He realized I was awake and sat up abruptly and smiled at me. His small hand touched my cheek and the phrase "mama mama guac guac!!!" That is usually code for "mama mama where is grampa??"

I gave him some sugars and he giggled and started his morning conversation. Most likely telling me about the dream he had. Or that he was grateful that we nursed all night because boy are his gums killing him. I changed him and we headed out into the world...

Today we walked around the neighborhood with my Uncle Sam, his great uncle. All of the people we loved were home today and boy did we enjoy it. Lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles for everyone. Uncle Cous Cous is coming over tomorrow to play with me. Mommy needs a break. :) 

Pooter is the better part of me. Everything I do, is for him because he deserves my very best. It is my number one goal in life to provide him with everything he needs. To make sure that he is happy and healthy and knows that he is loved. I think on all points I am succeeding even tho at times I do feel inadequate as a mother. I hope that one day he will look back on his life and just realize how much he changed my life, and how much I really do love him. 

Keeping that in mind, perhaps I should get back to my sweetie. Co-sleeping has its benefits, there is always someone to snuggle <3

Let's Chill-Guy

Sometimes I wish that someone would creep in the bed and cuddle me. Just listen to me telling them about my day. Just cuddle this stress away. Not necessarily sex, although that would be nice but just strong arms around me, reminding me that everything will be alright. 

Today was a rough day, teething is kicking our asses. Both mine and the baby. He's on some sorta food strike and just wants to nurse constantly. If I'm not in his eyesight he screeches. He wants me to just hold him 24/7. I need a break. One that I will not get. So I suck it up and pick him up. It's not his fault he feels bad. He doesn't understand what is going on so I'm not gonna hold it against him. 

I am just so tired. So very tired and worn out. The incident from yesterday prob played a part in how I'm feeling but there's nothing I can do about it. It's the dementia. I won't say they it didn't hurt but it's the disease. 

Happiness is Briefly Overshadowed with Overwhelmingly Misplaced Guilt

Today was just a little rough for me. Each time my son learns something new, I get this overwhelming sense of guilt that his father isn't here to share these moments. While I know that he chose not to be here, that doesn't make it any easier for me. Today my son waved to me. He waved to me and said bye bye and I was so excited I started squealing and smooching his cheeks. His response was to give me some sugars right back. Then later I started thinking about things and BAM it happened. 

Yep, my feelings set on a full assault. Unfortunately my family was home so I put on my happy face and just covered the pain I was feeling. Went to the store. Had a phone conversation. Proofread two essays. Tumblr-ed a bit. And then now in the safety of my room, while my child slumbers I can process myself. 

Logically, I realize that these feelings of self doubt, the pain and the angst that habitually occur after something happy takes place with my son, are nothing but the work of the devil. (Extreme run on sentence)

Earlier today I was having an okay day. Got most of the cleaning and mopping finished for the day. Then I was watching vh1 soul squared and they were playing gospel music. Two Mary Mary videos, I think it was "Shackles" and then "I survived"? Then they played two Kirk Franklin videos "I smile" and "I've been looking for you". I sang along and danced with the baby and when "I Smile" came on my spirit was overwhelmed and I began to cry. Throughout my pregnancy, the birth of my child and the course of that relationship I perfected the smile. You know the one, the one that says "my heart is broken, my soul is shattered but I'm still gonna carry on because I have faith that God is moving mountains in my life". 

I sang, I danced with my son and I cried. I cried for a family that was shattered. I cried for my son who doesn't have a father. And most of all I cried for myself because I gave my heart to this man, and he danced all over it, and left me with a child to raise. 

Even now my heart is swelling with emotion. I look at our son and I see him,  I see me. And I wish he was here with us. My son deserves to have a father, just like I had growing up. But he doesn't. Is that my fault? Do I blame myself for his father not staying? This is what I grapple with daily. Do I contact him after he's made his position very clear to me? I can ask him to sign his rights away, but he would fight me to make me hurt more. 

When I was pregnant and after I had my son, I prayed daily that God just move in the situation, that he move in our hearts, that he would heal us so that we could be awesome parents. The day I had Ezra he fell asleep holding him, I laid my hands on them both and asked God to intervene in our lives. I asked God to heal our broken family and to impress upon KB how important he was to us, to me. Then two weeks later it was exit stage left and BOOM here we are.

Here I am. I'm used to making the hard decisions. Do I vacinate my son? Do I circumcise him? Is this pediatrician good enough? Is he gonna be "soft" because of how much love I give him? But the most important question, the one that presses heavily on my mind is "am I a good enough parent to make up for him not having a father?"

Single mothers are so commonplace these days, I never wanted to be one. But I am. I joined the ranks of hardworking women who raise children and conquer their self doubts and fears and embrace the small alien like creatures who love us unconditionally and without fear. I join the throngs of women who have been abandoned by men we thought loved us. Men who promised to never leave. Men who promised to care for the tiny life  that we created in love. I join the ranks of the single hard working mom who worries everyday AM I MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES FOR MY CHILD?? The single mom who is always tired, who even with a support system shoulders the load because she has ACCEPTED her responsibilities. 

I am that single mom. 

I am the single mom who although my heart is still shattered and broken, everyday I take back a piece of myself. With each hug and kiss from my son it's a crack filled. Each tiny gesture of love a hurt erased. Each peaceful moment is restored back to me, in him. I still have faith that my God can move mountains. I still pray daily. My faith is stronger than ever. I know that God has a blessing for me that will overshadow everything I have gone thru this far.   

My son grounds me. God balances me. My family shelters me and loves me. And I shoulder on faithfully because I know that God isn't finished with me yet, inspite of what the devil may whisper in my ear. 

I am strong phenominal woman. 

And I just overcame myself. ❤️ 

a letter to my best friend

i really don't know what to say to you. i've been thinking about it all day and I still have no answers. i don't hate you and i don't like you. I do still love you to some degree I suppose I always will. your abandonment stings still but I realize and accept that you were running from your responsibilities and that you weren't ready to be the man that we needed you to be. eh thats life eh? 

I have this theory that when men are fully grown up they have daughters. Because you need to be able to protect and provide for them. Men have boys first when they still have some growing up to do. It shows the son the transition from immaturity to maturity. you've had two boys so far. hopefully NO more kids till you have your life fully together. Doesn't make sense to keep hurting women during your trials. 

I had this whacked out dream about you yesterday that you wrote me an apology letter. and then I was like wtf hahahahahaha thats wishful thinking.then it got me to thinking that Disney lies to us as kids. We grow up thinking that everything has this awesome fairtytale ending and then we are adults and its like BAM WHAM ah life isn't a fairytale. it actually kinda sucks sometimes. 

this actually isn't at all what i had planned to tell you. I do know that eventually we will run into each other, or you will contact me(prob with some bs apology like always) and I will have to confront you. and our history. I don't wish you harm. I want you to get it together but I doubt that you will. you don't want to. 

siiiiigh I wanted zaza and ez to grow up knowing each other and having a relationship. gah, I trust God to move in this situation when the time is right. yup!

so until then, i'll be waiting for ya, chips ahoy.

Am I a martyr for love?

Martyr(n): a constant sufferer from an ailment. 

In this case the ailment being "love" for a certain individual which isn't returned. Or rather he expresses his love in unhealthy mannerisms. Like cheating. And walking out on his son. 

I feel like I willingly sacrifice myself for him. Even when I'm not with him. My very being craves him, on a spiritual and emotional plane that I can't even pretend to understand. If I hadn't of gotten pregnant I feel like I would still be caught in the cycle. I had to remove myself in order to stay healthy for our child. 

I wonder at what Gods plan is for my life. What my purpose is, will I be a good mother or barely adequate. I pray that God heals the relationships in my life, and those concerning my sweet little boy. 

I am a martyr. A martyr for a love long since past. KB. 

An Ode to my Love

oh what love is this that God has given me? 

a swelling in my heart which threatens to burst

a love that causes my soul to sing the songs of my ancestors

a love that is unfailing, pure and true

a love that is pledged to you

the love i have for my son is unlike anything i have ever felt

I AM SO BLESSED, NO MATTER WHAT EMOTIONS I MAY BE FEELING JUST KNOW THAT GOD HAS BLESSED ME IN THE FORM OF THIS SMALL CHILD I CALL EZRA, MY PEACE ON EARTH

Prophecy, Inner Peace and Reflection

 first off I should say that I am typing from my new ipad( yay me) so my verbiage may be slightly different since I have a fancy wireless keyboard and its more comfortable than typing on my mobile. There is something that I have been thinking about for the past week or so...I'm going to purge that. 

When I was hugely pregnant, perhaps 8mo before my sons father had contacted me. I was having all these emotions and thoughts because I was doing it alone and feeling a certain way about it. Well at my brothers college graduation commencement ceremony, this random woman came up to me before it started. She started to prophecy to me regarding my unborn son. She told me that my son was to be my peace in a time of storms. She told me that my son would bring peace to my personal life. That he was my blessing from God, that I was crafted to mother this special child. I was given a scripture that for the life of me I can't find on my new phone. This scripture said that the child of the woman's son would be blessed even though she sinned. 

I thought she was crazy at first but then I felt this peace about me. She told me that my sons father was going to go thru and intense spiritual battle within himself and that he was going to hurt me more than once. But that when I least expected it he would give his life to Christ and things would be as God willed. She told me so many things about myself, about my life, and about my purpose. She knew that in my heart of hearts I wanted to be a SAHM. 

So lately I've just been looking back on my life and all the decisions and choices that have brought me to this point. Lets just be honest, with my sons dad I was an idiot. I knew that something wasn't right but I proceeded blindly because I loved him. Now as a result, maybe not now my son will suffer the same feelings I felt. I'm hoping that with the help of God I can become the mother that my child needs. I never want him to feel as if I am failing him in any aspect of life. I want to provide for him, educate him, love him, and have open and honest communication with him  

I do still pray that one day his father will open his eyes and heart to God. I pray that he will see the blessing that we have created. I pray that he will see that my intentions have always been pure towards him and that my intent has never been to hurt him. When I promised him the night we conceived that I would never leave him. I was sincere in that. I'm never the one that leaves. That's his job. Thats okay though, I'm stronger and wiser for the pain he's caused me. 

I am greatly loved by God(Romans 1:7), even if no one else loves me, God surely does!
pro

Snuggled and Cuddles Fix All of Life's Problems 💞

Today in spite of my melancholy nighttime mood, I want to be positive. Today I accomplished not what I set out to do, however my accomplishment was in my parenting. Being a successful parent is ALWAYS my aim in EVERYTHING I do. 

My son is teething badly, horrifically, abominably even.  I had a whole itinerary for today. Mop all floors, fold all the laundry from last week and start washing more clothes(the never ending cycle), clean both bathrooms(optional), clean the kitchen, scrub the high chair, and replace the vacuum bag and vacuum. I didn't count on my son REFUSING to nap unless he was in my arms, nor the endless crying whenever I put him down. I didn't factor in that I would be feeling like over cooked poo. Or that my son would try to escape by using his new skill set of the rapid cruise step. 

He cried and screamed and will only be comforted by mom. And that is what I am most proud of today. My hugs, cuddles, expert conversational response skills, expert book reading, musical offkey sing and dance numbers, and nursing have kept my son from losing his marbles all day. I may have lost mine but my son rests easy knowing his mom understands the perils of teething. 

My dad told me today that being a parent is a choice. But that being a LOVING, UNDERSTANDING, and ATTENTIVE parent is the goal. He said everyday he sees me with his grandson his heart swells. Because watching me on my journey thru motherhood shows him that he raised me right. 

Today I realized that I love being a mother. Everything from the sleepless nights to the kisses and cuddles in the morning. I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING. 

I matter to him. I am the most important person in his universe. And he loves me even when I screw up. More importantly. I love him. Our bond is unshakeable, and growing stronger. 

❤️

Goo goo gaga

I have some of the most PROFOUND conversations with my son over breakfast. 

Too bad I don't speak baby....this seems serious.