Trust

So once again I decided to trust him. Foolish girl that I am, yes I said girl because even tho I am a woman. I don't always think like one. People don't change. I always foolishly believe the best in people. Always. 

He was talking marriage and all that other shit. And I just had this feeling. That he was up to something. Well upon speaking with his father (who he hates with a passion). It was revealed to me that he hadn't changed. And he was just saying what he thought my family wanted to hear. 

So I asked him are you still involved in any relationships with other women. He simply said yes. But was unable to say WHY he entertained any mentions of marriage to me. Other than it was an idea. 

You can't play with peoples hearts like that. And just expect them to roll over and play dead whenever shit comes out. 

I am a person. I have feelings. Yeah I act like a cold emotionless bitch. But I do cry. But not over him. Ever again. I promised myself that. 

Oh and to top shit off his ex wife wants me to keep my bastard baby away from her son. She attempted to bad mouth me to his father who quickly put her in check. She's jealous that his family likes me. I don't care one way or another. That's my sons family and I will allow them to know him inspite of his dad being a lying jack off. 

So. I can't help but feel there is some deep rooted message in all of this. And I can only pray that God protects my son. I don't want him ending up like his brother. God is in the midst of it all. 

I think I'm more mad at me for believing in him again. I'm not even gonna mention anything to my parents about this. Or he'll never see the baby. I can't allow MY feelings to remove him from this situation. And I can honestly say. I don't love him anymore. At all. 

Sleep, the ever elusive dream

I am craving arms to hold me as I sleep. Arms to relax me while I weep. Someone to love me unconditionally. 

Meh

Having such an emotional emptiness toward people is quite refreshing. This lack of emotion makes it easier for me to deal with my sons fathers lack of interest in him. Like right now in this moment aside from physical pain from rough housing with my nephew. I'm totally chilled. 

We got the baby new sneakers. His old ones were too small. I got them march 21 like he seriously grew a size and a half in three weeks. These stride right shoes are expensive too man. 

Life is flowing freely and w/o issue. ❤️

so many changes

Ahhh life seems to be changing rapidly for all of my loved ones. My bro moved out with his lady. My Grampa is experiencing some changes of his own in regards to his mental state. As a family we are experiencing life changing decisions. More importantly as a mother I am becoming more at peace in my singleness. 

The realization that I am an awesome mom still shocks me daily. In spite of my many mistakes I feel confident in my ability to raise this small humanlike individual. 

Side note: I had a nightmare that my ex tried to get custody of my son. I remember screaming at him "he doesn't even know you!!! Being a parent is a full time job!!!"  But then there was a major plot twist and it was his gf(cousin) on the screen yelling "now their both mine bitch". I woke up in tears. 

However I am still looking forward to my blessing. I can feel it creeping around the corner. And I'm ready for this season of trials to be OVER 

The last week I've been in communication with my ex. It started off as just about the baby but it fell back into our old pattern. Just like nothing ever happened. So I had to tell him that we can't be friends. We can talk about the baby, but nothing else. I'm not in a place where I don't care about what happened. I still care. And until I can be happy for him and the whore we don't need to be friends. 

Of course he got a bit mad at me. But hell I admitted I was jealous and I was very mature about shit. I don't have to be. 

I am really just praying that God sends a helpmeet. 

The Diagnosis

I haven't been able to sleep well tonight. In spite of taking a fircocet to help with my migraine. I no longer feel like I'm going to mentally explode but I miss the days where life was much simpler. The days before this disease(severe dementia and Alzheimer's) took over our lives.

For the past ten years every waking moment of every day has been devoted to caring for him. Major family moments have been missed because he can't be left alone. Graduations, births, reunions, holidays and we haven't been ANYWHERE as a family since he came out here. We never get to go out to eat as a family. My dad can't go to church because he has to stay home with my grandfather. The weekends are my time. 

Everybody is on edge and not sleeping and stressed out. Dementia makes him unpredictable, violent, and crazy. And it's all directed at me. When in was pregnant after I moved back home and was put on bed rest. He hit me with his cane. Since then his level of violence has increased. If there is a male home he isn't as violent with me. They won't allow it. 

I feel bad for my mom. She's got tough decisions to make. Things we've avoided thinking about for ten years. 

Why am I up at 3am?? Well he got out of his wheel chair (finally) and was meddling in the kitchen. He was trying to turn on the oven(which was unplugged). And he had pooped himself and was arguing with me about how the poop got on him. For some reason whenever he goes on himself it's my fault. Like I have magical bodily functions that I direct towards him. 

Did I mention my parents heard us arguing and walked in as he tried to whack me while I was holding Ezra??? My dad has to clean him. Bathe him. Wipe his butt. When he lets me I clean his behind. But it doesn't matter cause he just keeps shitting on himself. So in the course of a day I clean three asses, mine, the babies and his. 

The decisions we make aren't being taken lightly. This isn't some "they never tried " Scenerio. This is a "we are at our wits end" type of thing. There don't seem to be any other options. We need a break. My moms family is absolutely worthless and useless. So it falls to us. And I do mean us as the collective family, my parents, my brothers and myself, will all be having a meeting this week about what to do. 

This a vent/rant/explanation/prose

Shockingly enough my ex kept me busy texting me and keeping me distracted so I didn't lose my shit. Today was scary and stressful. I just keep wondering when is God gonna take him. He just keeps getting worse and more depressed like when will it end?