There is something literally so calming about sitting in the dark and listening the KL(kendrick lamar). Sometimes the noise of the world just seems to crowd my thoughts out and I just need to chill. I realize I've been doing these bullshit posts that don't really say much. I haven't wanted to delve too deeply into my psyche this close to Ezra's birthday. I actually in general dislike delving into the amplified mess that is my brain. Bear with me.
Life: In general is going pretty great. I'm currently fighting for my sanity with this teething apocalypse but so far I've yet to snap on anyone. I'm fighting this fleeting stomach bug, which could be attributed to some unvoiced anxiety crap I'm covering up. I've bitten ALL my nails off again. Like I don't even notice I'm doing it. Its like someone else is pointing it out to me constantly. FML. This is generally the issue I have with opening up. Once I do its so flipping hard to shut it off. I'm either open and feeling my emotions and feeling vulnerable(I hate vulnerability, it gives people power over you), OR I'm seemingly closed off when I'm really like a duck calm on the surface and paddling furiously under the surface.
Life continued: Lately I've been feeling everything times ten. Like the other morning, Ezra spooned me and I started crying. Like wth, I wasn't sad or anything it was just one of those things where you realize your baby ain't a baby anymore. I always find it so amusing and a little disturbing that my family never notices these nuances in behavior. We are all so wrapped up in our own personal tragedies and dramas that we never notice what is happening right in our own homes. I suppose I shouldn't really be shocked tho. I know my family. When I was dealing with the black cloud a few weeks ago, my mother told me I just need to go to church more. That God is the solution to my mood swings. I just looked at her. I haven't been to church since. I can attribute that to me not feeling well physcially. I haven't really gone a lot of places. I really hate puking in public. Its not sanitary.
9 Days Till Ezra's birthday: I dislike when people try to force me into making this a huge disaster. Sweet and simple thats how I roll. Family, a few friends and food. Wii fun, maybe a dance competition depending on the state of my stomach and just lowkey fun. Ezra's little cousins will be there, not too sure about his cousin on his dad's side but w/e.
Me: Kendrick Lamar makes me numb to the chaos in my mind, the disarray in my life, and the cracks in my armour. I took some medicine for nausea. It has yet to kick in. I think I'm going stir crazy being stuck in the house again. Esp with Ezra teething, I'm going insane. I have literally no one to talk to about things. I've tried to but they are in their own melodramas. Hence me opening up here.
You guys don't judge me for what I feel no matter how crazy it is. You probably know more about me than the people in my life. Why? They don't really care about the inner workings of me, moreso about how I can benefit them in the long run. I don' doubt they love me, but we all have some warped twisted definition of love. No one loves the same, no one definition is the same. I think the most important thing is that I love myself. I'm searching for something I am passionate about besides my son. I need to identify myself as something other than his mom, that seems to be important to everyone. I'm happy being a mom. I love what the job entails. I just kinda wish I could get a hour break. Doing this daily with no help can wear me down, esp right now with the teething and me not feeling well. It just kinda sucks ass.
I seem to have rambled on a bit here. Sorry. If you made it this far, kudos!
dueces
