Sanity

Ugh so this mess with KB has left me emotionally dead. I'm getting ready for some big changes(moving) and all of a sudden since I'm moving now he has interest in his son? Seriously? Miss me with that please. I'm so tired of people acting like I'm the one keeping him away from his son. He's a grown ass man he knows where I'm at. Hell my schedule is so consistent he could randomly pop up and I'd be home. 

I think I'm just frustrated. Two months ago we were planning our wedding and now he's engaged to his cousin, living with her and I'm just like okay. I see you. I see what you've been showing me all along. 

Tonight I talked to his father(he initiated contact) and he was as he usually is regarding his son. Irritated that his son is making the same mistakes he did as a young man and I had to tell him. This is why Ezra has MY FATHERS LAST NAME.   I can't trust a man who don't take care of his own. 

I told his dad where I'm going and he was upset but it's not like he's a part of Ezra's life anyway so why do I care what he thinks? I'm doing what I gotta for me and my kid. For my sanity. 

I do not like feeling this way. I have good day, great days and then days that go from ok to flipping horrid. It sucks. Not to mention Ezra is in that everything is a tantrum stage. I'm over it. Gah!!!

Right now is that time where God is testing me again. I hate this test but I know there is something awesome when I come out of it. Something that will make all of this pain worth it. Yup. It's coming. 

Empty-topia

I'm in a really strange place emotionally. Sometimes it hurts and when I'm there it really hurts. But usually I'm just empty. The only emotion I have is love for my son. If I hadn't been thru this emotional merry go round before I'd be worried. But I'm not. 

Even knowing that at this very moment, I'm being villianified I lack the ability to muster any indignation. Why? Because history shows the truth. And my truth isn't a lie. It's not a  misappropriation of the facts. It simply is the unpolished truth. 

Everyone always says that the truth shall set you free. They never tell you that even with the truth there is a certain emptiness. An overwhelming emptiness that you continually battle. 

I pray daily that I defeat the emptiness. The daily range of emotions that I can go thru in a split second. The emotions that can turn from positive to negative in a heartbeat. And I know that my God is a miracle maker. 

Also as an interesting side note I have a mosquito bite. It itches. And I really want to scratch however since I don't want any more scars I won't. Gah! 

I meet with the photographer tomorrow. And I cancelled KB coming over because I don't feel like dealing with him. Nor hearing the numerous ways in failing my son. Nor hearing about how I need to parent because my one year old is "soft". 

Instead I'm going to see TMNT with my son and my brother. Go me. 

Also I had to stop watching the news. It made me cry buckets. 

Is There Any Value on Black Life?

As I look at the news, read the paper, scroll thru my timeline on FB, or even wait in line at the grocery store I'm assaulted by images of black boys being killed by police officers. The very men who take an "oath" to "serve and protect" blah blah blah. Yet innocent black children are being killed. Very few get noticed by the media, our deaths aren't important enough. Black life lacks any level of importance to people. 

I fear for my son as a mother. A mother of a black boy, who will one day grow up into a black man. America's number one enemy. Sometimes I imagine that the state of mind towards black men will change. People won't look twice when a black man gets into an elevator with them. We won't be stereotyped, robbed of opportunities because of RIDICULOUS names given to us by parents that didn't know better, and most importantly we won't have to fear when our boys, our men leave the house. 

We won't have to worry about committing the ultimate crime, being black while in america. There is no value on black life in america. Yes its purposely lowercased. Why should I respect a country that doesn't value my life, the life of my child, the life of my brothers, or my father? As my son grows older and becomes more independent and does more on his own, I will worry. I'll worry because america isn't safe if you've got a tinge to your skin. America isn't safe if you were born with melatonin in your skin. 

As a black mother I fear for my son's life. I fear that one day some trigger happy racist will kill him. Just for being black. 

We can say all we want that racism is dead and gone. But maybe its time we stopped sleep walking and woke the hell up. Racism is very much alive. Its active. Instead of wearing white sheets, they wear blue uniforms. They wear street clothes. They are our teachers, doctors, neighbors, employers, or the people who pass you on the street. 

Open your eyes, you might be shocked just what you see 

Welcome to the Teething Apocalypse

The days and nights are beginning to blend into one another. My son isn't sleeping due to extreme teething pain. Which means mommy isn't sleeping either. Last night he woke up every 1.5hrs on the dot. He cried and fussed, then he would latch on to nurse and fall asleep. We did this tango ALL NIGHT. 

Today was no different. Up at 7am and he was so fussy and cranky I had him napping by 11am. He slept till maybe 130pm and that's when something truly interesting happened. He was fussing and wanted to nurse, so I changed his diaper and he latched on. He nursed for a moment and then let go and looked at my nipple. My nipple was BLEEDING like that's NEVER HAPPENED before. I dabbed at it with a breast pad before slathering my nipple with lanolin and hitting the inter webs for advice. 

So what I've learned today about bleeding nipples is as follows. 

1.) Correct the latch/position. 

2.) Make sure to feed from the not hurt side first, then switch since they are more gentle when they aren't ravenous. 

3.) Use lanolin 

4.) When teething it's best to go back to the basics. Reteach the latch and go from there. 

5.) Most importantly ITS OKAY TO CONTINUE NURSING EVEN WITH THE BLEEDING. 

I really have some awesome booby friends. 13mo strong with breastfeeding. The force is still with us!!

Also as a funny note, this situation has promoted several individuals in my life to tell me to QUIT nursing my son. I always find it hilarious when others attempt to control MY breasts. My breasts were made for nourishment as a primary function, NOT sexual pleasure. Stay in your lane!  

People on their WORST BEHAVIOR

Life is funny, people can and often do exceed my expectations of shitty behavior. I always see it coming and I always hope I'm wrong. For example, KB did in fact show up Friday. With two packs of diapers Ezra is in fact ALLERGIC to, one pkg of wipes, and three outfits that are so big it will be another two years before he grows Into them. Did I also mention that he took the diapers out of the boxes so I can't exchange them(per walmart return policy for diapers)?  Looking on the bright side, at least he did that right? It's the most he's done in the 13mo of Ezra's life. 

I told him I was thinking seriously about just putting him on CS(child support) and he got all mad at me. His voice got all high pitched and crap like it usually does when he's upset. I didn't even have the heart to tell him that his face looks like a hairy vagina. He's trying to grow a beard again. Looks ridiculous. 

I wonder if he wanted me to pat him on the back or to commend him for actually doing something for his son. If that's the case he can keep waiting. No one commends me for anything I do for my son or for anyone else. So he can just shove it. 

Also to continue the tirade on shitty behavior I should expect out of people. My brother did in fact call me a "bitch", tell me to go "fuck myself" and call me numerous other joyful adjectives describing how much of a horrid person I am. He also went on to say that no man would ever love "me and my bastard baby" and say "is it any wonder KB keeps leaving you and Ezra for his 22yr old cousin". At that point I reversed the car and he may or may not have been in the way however that isn't the point here. He's now acting like he never said these things. He's trying to be my "BFF" and "be nice" and "hang out" because he wants something. I'm still waiting for an apology. 

To sum it all up, some people just suck and can go even below your lowest expectations. 

KB randomness

Also as a random side note, KB is in theory dropping off some diapers and wipes for the baby. I am in fact not believing he will actually show up because as a random fact HE NEVER DOES.  I haven't told the baby he was coming over either. He's just stopped asking for him. Maybe he will bite his dad when he comes over? A gal can hope!

Gah Parenting Inadequacies

Everyone has those days where they feel totally inadequate as a parent. The days where nothing and I do mean NOTHING can make the small human happy. The days where it seems like every waking moment(even some sleeping ones) are a battle. The days where even tho it's sunny outside there is a small thundercloud chasing you around the house crying. That was today. 

From the moment we woke up this am, I was fighting a losing battle. I looked at him funny, he cried. I sang Maroon 5, he screamed. I asked if he wanted some of my eggs and he had a temper tantrum that would put actors to shame. I finally gave up and did the one thing that usually keeps him reasonably happy. Nursing. 

But then he bit my stomach and I returned the love. At which point he proceeded to follow me around the kitchen screaming and crying and screaming. I knew the evil culprit. Teething. 

Teething can be equated to an evil force, that takes an ordinarily happy baby and turns them into a child from the exorcist. And because the child hurts and they can't communicate that to us, they seek to inflict pain to us as well. It's a mean cycle, ruthless and vicious. 

So tonight was an early bedtime. I'm worn out. And these 45min naps he's taking aren't doing it for me. I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe the teething apocolapyse will give me a brief break? A mom can hope!

Yeah life can suck BUT there are always positives to any situation

I think in life we spend so much time focusing on the negatives that we completely forget about the positives in negative situations. Lately my life has been like a rerun of a horrible tv sitcom. But there is always a silver lining. My son :)

Over the past few weeks since his fathers been MIA, his vocabulary has grown. He can now say "love you", "thank you", "alright", and "handsome". He's also learned to say his name. He helps me pick up toys and put clothes in the washing machine. We've also started a bedtime ritual where we go give everyone goodnight kisses, wash his feet and lotion them, then we read a book in bed and cuddle/nurse to sleep. 

Even this morning he wanted me to read to him. I read a book and he sat in my lap and read a book. It was nice. 

I called the advisors for my classes and I only need 9 classes to graduate. Which is AWESOME however life has thrown a curve ball which I hope to rectify tomorrow. I figure once I have my associates in general studies maybe I can figure out what I can use it for. 

KB is supposed to bring over some diapers, wipes and clothes this Friday. But I trust him doing that about as much as I would trust him alone with the baby. Not one bit. I was going to be indignant if he bought it with his gf/cousins money. But then I was like if she's stupid enough to buy my kid stuff with her money. JOKES ON HER. He didn't even know what size diapers or clothes the baby wears. He doesn't even know which brand he's allergic too!! He didn't ask either. 

Right now, pooter is asleep on my stomach. (I took a test and it was negative! Which is good but now I know I really need to go to the dr because my anxiety is making me physically ill). Teething and a growth spurt is never fun but it is necessary. 

As a mother I always question whether or not I'm making the right choices for my son, for our family and I can finally say I'm starting to trust my judgement. 

Self Respect, Where Did Mine Go???

I find myself wondering lately WHERE DID MY SELF RESPECT GO??? Why did I again trust in someone who has time and time again shown me that they can't be trusted. Why did I chose to believe in a man who has continually disrespected me, cheated on me, and walked away from me? I only have one answer. 

Love makes you stupid. Love makes you blind. Love caused me to accept imperfections I prayed he was serious about fixing. 

Instead I once again find myself in the same situation I was in two years ago. 

Dammit. I really wanted things to work out. 

I guess it wasn't meant to be?

However I will still choose to trust in God. I will cling to his promise of a brighter day and a happier future. Because at the end of the day I am blessed. Even if I'm alone. I am still blessed. 

Fluffy pink hippos

Today I spent most of my day at a funeral for my aunt T. Her body looked beautiful, it looked like she was asleep. And for the most part, her family behaved ( except the lady in the purple suit who jumped on the casket wailing and screaming ). 

The baby spent the whole day with his uncles. I will admit that I was a wee bit worried but when I finally got home he was alive and well. He had even taken a nap ❤️❤️❤️

KB's girl is still stalking my other blog. Apparently now I'm a "bitch" as well as a "bad mother". Over it. After Friday/Thursdays debacle with his heifer he finally lowered himself enough to text me at 650am sat morning asking if the baby was up. Smh. 

I haven't been feeling well at all the past few days and today at the church I was just so dang hot. All that food was making me nauseas. I'm still ick in the stomach but I want ice cream. #thestruggle

Ezra isn't feeling well so I'm up with him. He keeps waking up crying. He will sleep if he's on my chest or layingn across my body with me patting him but my stomach can't handle that and he's heavy. Hopefully he calms back down soon. 

I miss my tumblr mamas 😩

So much drama

After being verbally assaulted most of today by his cousin/gf I decided. Fuck tumblr. Fuck him. And fuck her. 

No matter what lies anyone spreads about me I am a good mother. My son never goes without. 

I'm just so upset right now. And it's all becaus I trusted him.