Hart Ramsey's Uplift

HartRamsey's UPLIFT: 

There are times when GOD will allow you to be pressed beyond your ability so that He can resize you for something new. 

 UPLIFT: Nothing drains energy like stressful relationships. Don't feel obligated to continue to nurture something that's killing u.

UPLIFT: FAITH= I believe even when things r unbelievable.I see possibility even in impossibility.I hope even when it seems hopeless.

UPLIFT: It's important 2 know the Lord & His Word: especially when u hit patches of life that have been cordoned off 4 development.

UPLIFT: TEARS are ur heart's way of recalibrating itself. GOD hears ur prayers & sees ur tears. KEEP beLIeVING. Morning will come! 

UPLIFT: No one can recover without GOD's help. You can't earn recovery. It's a gift that you must be willing 2 open everyday. 

Just some inspiring quotes. Maybe they will help someone like they've been helping me. 

Uncomfortable Spaces

Sometimes God puts us in uncomfortable spaces to encourage growth. This is my uncomfortable space and I will be damned if I don't see some growth. 

Being around my exes family makes me break out in physical hives. Not because of them but because of the possibility that he will show up. 

But my son deserves to know his other family. And they deserve to know him. 

I will never punish them because of what KB has put me thru. That's not thier fault. Instead I choose to facilitate love between my son and them. 

And for myself as well. 

Peace and blessings. 

Thanksgiving, What does it really mean?

Thanksgiving to me is all about family. Its one of those times where we all make an effort to spend time together doing things we enjoy. In my family, we see each other often, like once a week even the cousins. We do things but the holidays are a time where we aren't rushing and can invest time in one another. We eat, watch football, dance, play with the kids and take pictures of the fools who get caught slipping(ie Dom who falls asleep under the kiddie table in the front room every time w/o fail). 

This year it had a little more meaning for me because it was Ezra's first REAL Thanksgiving. The first year he got to partake in the celebrations. Starting from Zoo Lights last weekend to the food from yesterday's and todays dinners. He ate a little of everything yesterday, some greens, some turkey, some mac n chz, just a little of everything. He even tasted a little bit of the diabetic cheesecake(ewwww). He played, he danced. He laughed and yes he cried. But it felt like my first real holiday as a mom. It was GREAT. 

I was expecting myself to have those feelings of hurt and anger towards my ex, but all I felt was light. I felt bad that he's missing his biological son grow up, but I reminded myself that its a choice. I chose to focus on how awesome it felt to have my aunt here in the A finally. My grampa was there for a little bit, and he seemed to enjoy us for the brief time we shared. My family is remarkable. We  are all different, very different but we love each other. 

Today I spent with my other family and that as always is fun. Kids running around screaming. Ezra and Gavyn playing in the toy kitchen, eating plastic french fries. Eden, Jo and I watching tons of ridiculous movies, among them The Purge, 22 Jumpstreet and of course Silver Linings. Chris and his bro Will sitting out on the porch in between checking on the turkey and chasing kids in the house. The big boys were of course fighting lol but what else is new. 

My family is diverse, both my "chose family" and my blood. An eclectic bunch if I ever saw one. 

Is there No Justice for the Black Man?

I fell asleep praying for my son. I fell asleep holding my son praying for his life. Praying for protection for safety. Praying for understanding. Because I do not understand. 

I do not understand this society where POC beat themselves down. I don't understand a society where I have to teach my son to be afraid of the very people who are supposed to protect him. I don't understand why as a mother, a sister, a daughter, why I have to be afraid every time the men in my family leave the house. 

I don't understand why mothers are out living their children. I don't understand why no matter what we teach our young black boys, they aren't safe. I don't understand how we are expected to function within a system that has already marked us as a failure. 

My sons life has so much promise. He could be the next BB King, or a astrophysicist or a novelist or a teacher, but will he make it to adulthood? If he never wears a hoodie, eats skittles, drinks Az iced tea, lives in a nice neighborhood, drives a nice car, will he make it? What is his life worth to the American society? 

All I can do is to pray for our continued survival. Everybody loves a little biracial baby until they grow up and become a black man. All I can do is continue to pray. Pray until my knees hurt, pray until this madness begins to make sense. 

I am overwhelmed with sadness. 

Parenting Struggles

Sometimes I get very frustrated with Ezra. I can ask him nicely to not do a thing but he continues to do the thing. Then he breaks the thing I tell him not to and when I pop his hands and say no, I become "enemy number one". 

He broke the house phone today. Threw it at the wall. And when he got reprimanded my mom started yelling at me. So I got pissed and said "you used to beat the shit out of me and worse for simply existing and I turned out just fucking fine." So she yelled at me " well maybe I learned better. Maybe you wouldn't have hated me if I had of been nice" (I still would have hated her.) so I yelled at her "you can't undermine everything I say to him. He has to fucking respect me or when I leave he will run all the fuck over me." 

It was a very ugly time. He was crying cause he was in trouble. I made him sit on the couch with his babies while I fumed and picked up the pieces to the phone. I was pissed because hello I'm the mom. I'm a single mom he's got to respect me. Then my dad came home and took the baby for a drive. 

I'm still a little bit pissed. It's a bit frustrating.  

My mom has completely fucked me up. I worry for my son. 

The Ultimate Sacrifice

I am so blessed to have Ezra. He is such a beautiful child. And when he's not being gross and farting he's just my sweetie. I tell him "I love you so much" and he says to me "much much mama". 

I am blessed to have my family standing behind me. They always support my decisions even when the outcome isn't clear. Even my idiot but well meaning brothers have really stepped up. 

 I'm spoiled. I'm a brat. I can be the biggest bitch you have ever met. But everything they do for me, for my child, without me asking, I appreciate it. I do for them. And they do for me. 

Ezra won't be raised with a "traditional" family like I was. He has a mom, a grampa(dada), an abuelita(abbi or "mom"), two uncles who adore him and a host of cousins, church family and friends who all step in to fill in the spaces. 

I over compensate with my son. Yes he's a little spoiled, but he's well behaved. He's the only baby I know with a bank account. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. He is my life, my love and I want him to know that mommy will do anything for him. I will protect him at all costs. From anyone who means us harm. 

My mom told Ezra tonight that she's so happy I kept him. That life would be void of meaning without him. That the thought of not seeing his face everyday makes her sad. 

She's right. 

Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent not on good terms with the other half of DNA is even harder. But this child makes everything worthwhile. Because one day, he will understand and see everything I've sacrificed for him. And he too will appreciate it. 

Parenting is the ultimate sacrifice. It's a sacrifice of love. Children make us so much more than we ever are without them. 

I love my son. 

Stanza

In my arms I hold the thing most precious to my heart 

We are covered in snot and drool

He's whimpering a bit 

But he's holding me in his sleep 

Because he knows that no matter what he's going thru

Mommas gonna be right there

❤️