Reflection

I've always thought that actions speak louder than words. 

Silence speaks volumes. 

Lack of communications says it all. 

If people were interested in doing the right thing, they would have done it from day one. 

I don't need to lie, misrepresent not conjure up anything about anybody because their actions say it all. 

The fact that I stay in my lane of traffic and continue to handle my business and ensure that my child wants for nothing says a lot. 

The fact that my son couldn't recognize his sperm donor out of a line up, also says a lot. 

The fact that his sperm donor has had over two years to man up and pretend to show interest when it wasn't benefiting him also says (once again) a lot. 

The fact that no one except myself has been held financially responsible for the child(when I know I didn't knock myself up) says a lot. 

The fact that people who aren't involved in this situation always have so much to says a lot. 

I don't need to bad mouth him to his family. They already so that amongst themselves.  

It used to really bother me that he could just flit in and out of my sons life with no regard to my sons feelings. And now I can't seem to care. I used to feel bad for him when he missed those first moments. Him crawling. Walking. His first word. But now I don't. He missed out by choice. I'm done trying to forge a bond between them. Those days are over. 

If a man wants to be involved in their kids life they will do so. 

Keyword: man. 

Preparations

 

I am preparing my farewell to 2014 post on my other blog. And I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about some of the crap I've gone thru, and the ways in which I've grown as a person. Factoring in my little guy and how he just blossomed seemingly overnight from my little chunkett to a mischievous toddler and I need a box of tissues. 

God has been so good to me. He's protected from myself. From the people and things I thought I needed in my life. He's blessed me and my son so much. 

I know I sometimes vent on here but in retrospect my life is so damn rewarding. There is nothing more important to me than being a mother. Nothing more important than knowing my child is happy, well and taken care of. God has placed a lot of people in my life in order to uplift me and encourage me when I'm down. And I really appreciate them. 

I am excited. Excited. EXCITED. 2015 holds a lot of good things for us. 

Cherish each day

Such possibilities. Today was a cool breeze on a sunny day. A icy cold sweet tea. A child free day. 

Ezra spent the day with his grandparents. Meanwhile I got to go finish up some last min shopping. Meet up with the mr and have some lunch. Saw some old friends who just wanted Ezra lol. I breathed deeply. No diaper bag. Nobody wiping boogers on me. Or farting in public and laughing uproariously. 

But I missed him. 

I got home and he was pooping on his potty. I repeat pooping by choice on his potty. Then he peed on the carpet but that's okay. 

After finding out that my other mom died today. I wasn't sure how to feel. I'm worried about my sister. Her birthday is Friday and she just lost her mom. I'm worried about Ish and Esob. Miss M is in a better place right now. Cancer is the fucking devil. THE DEVIL. She was such a beautiful soul, always sparkling and happy. 

When she found out I was pregnant by a Muslim man she was happy. She loved me like I was her own child. She loved Ezra and showed it each time we saw each other. 

I grew up at her house. Sleepovers. I got to meet Farrakhan because of her. When I was contemplating converting to Islam I went to her. When Kipp cheated and left me I went to her. She was mom. My best friends mom. 

I can't make this better. I can't take away her pain. I can't deal with my own pain. God has taken an angel to cradle in his arms. 

There is no understanding in death. There is no understanding in grief. 

There is no understanding when a daughter loses her mother, two days before her birthday. 

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm upset. I'm worried. I just want to be able to hug my sister. I want to cry with my sister. To remind her that she isn't alone. Her mom touch so many people. 

I can't even right now. 

Be blessed

He's an on time God, yes he is!

Sometimes God is just so good that you want to cry. Not tears of sadness but tears of extreme joy because you realize how blessed you are. 

Ezra reminds me that God moves in mysterious and miraculous ways. I never saw my life going in this direction. I never imagined that I would end up a single mom. A stay at home mom at that, but I wouldn't change this for anything. 

I used to have all these plans for my life. College. Get married. Then kids. Publish a book. Some more kids. But the plans God has for me have turned out to be even better. 

My son brings me so much joy, he reminds me that inspite of everything there is a reason to smile. Because of this kid I am drug free, and happy. I just love him more than I've ever loved anyone. 

Things may not have turned out how I wanted. I may not have the happy ending I wanted. But I still have a happy ending. We are healthy. We are surrounded by people who love us. We are blessed. I'll just say it again WE ARE BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED. 

He may not come when you want him, but he's always right on time. He's an on time God. Yes he is

Look Whose Finally Coming to Visit

I'd rather not even deal with them because every single time I see her she has a bunch of lame ass excuses as to why she hasn't seen her grandson. She gets mad when Ezra won't go to her and I keep telling her HE DOESNT KNOW WHO YOU ARE. This year she's seen Ezra twice. Once when I took him to visit her after her surgery and on his birthday briefly. Did I mention I had plans today with the mr that I had to cancel for this unscheduled unwanted interruption??? 

I already know she won't be on time. More than likely they won't show up till about 5/530 when they said 430 to begin with. And by that time I will be even more hostile than I am right now. She will attempt to critique my parenting skills and I will attempt to hold my tongue and not tell her about her kids. Need I say more?? 

I hate when people try to play like active fathers/mothers/parents/grandparents during the holidays. Like fuck outta here with that cause we both know that the only time you wanna see somebody's illegitimate child is during the holidays for a fucking photo op. She will then share the pics with the absentee father who will more than likely do the same shit she does. Show them off like he's a part of my sons life. 

I should have just moved to fucking Texas when I was pregnant to avoid this unnecessary bullshit. 

This has been a ranty frustrated angry not feeling well post. 

The Lies Perpetrated by Walt Disney

Watching Sleeping Beauty with Ezra.  Disney movies are such a big lie. They have a meet cute, a problem and then the girls ends up with the guy. When in reality there's a meet cute, an issue, a problem and then some other girl gets the guy. 

This is why I do not like Disney movies. Setting women up for failure since 1923. 

Smh