Working Title: Pettiness is a Disease, so Go Get Checked!

I haven't really been posting much on here because people like to take what I say/don't say and twist it suit their own purposes. I find it a little amusing really because instead of said people coming to me, as an adult they go run to my father and try to start mess and rumors; or they try to drag my cousins into shit. Its really quite ridiculous, and childish and pointless. Grow up. Move on. I've always found it so...annoying that so many people in my "family" have nothing better to do with their lives than to talk much shit about me and my family. It always comes back to our ears, from the comments about my brother's sexuality, to the comments made about me, to the way they talk about my father and mother. It always comes to light, everything always does.

Moving on to more positive items. This class has proven to be a huge insight into the mind of the two year old. We are working on a group project which is actually kinda fun, if not tricky to be doing online. My teacher has also been extremely instrumental in giving me some ideas to help Ez with his cognitive development.

Thanksgiving was pretty awesome. I spent to the front half of the day with my family before I went over to the in-laws homes. I had a lot of fun with Sr. and his wife A, she is such a sweetheart. Then we went over to Miss Liz's house and the bulk of the cousins were there just hanging out watching football and eating pie. It really was a blessed day. I'm so blessed that God has added onto my chosen family. We will probably be spending part of Christmas with them as well. I don't really mind because they always make me feel like a part of the family. They are just cool ass people.

I went to a fashion show with my cool aunt and my cousins. It was super freaking fun. It was the first time in awhile that I've been away from ezra for a few hours. Some of the outfits I was like noooooo, but then they had some things that were just beautiful. Beyond beautiful and regal, just wow. It was fun to hang out with my cousins though. We've all been so busy with our families and school that it was nice to just BREATHE and laugh and relax. I never realize how much I miss them until I see them. And have I mentioned my cousin has a beautiful smile? Honestly, I love this girl so much she has helped me to grow and mature. I spent some time with my other fave this past weekend too. I feel like the boys are all growing so damn fast. C2 is as tall as me and he's only 12!?! Like stop growing dammit lol I love going over there and seeing my extended family. We watched this hilarious movie and made dinner together and chased kids all over the house. It was so nice.

I took shorty to see the Xmas lights last night. I love seeing his face, he gets so excited and squeals. It was pretty awesome seeing three generations doing something, my dad started when we were kids. Its the little things that form traditions. I can't imagine not doing this every year. I go several times, with my folks, my STL cousins, my Phx cousins, and this year I'm trying to get babe to go. They have a really cool star wars house that is friggin awesome. People were humming the death star theme song as they walked past haha Nerds are us!

Babe keeps asking what I want to do for my birthday but I have no clue. I know this birthday will be hard for my family because it is the one year anniversary of my grampas death. But I refuse to be sad on my birthday. I know we will do cake and ice cream with my cousins/aunt after church that Sunday. Chan, Eden and Jo will probably take me out to dinner that weekend too. But I think I just want to spend some time with him, maybe watch a movie(star wars) and go to dinner or take the baby to the mountain. I really don't care as long as I'm with the ones I love. That's all that really matters.

In the next few weeks I'm going to be working on my end of the year post. 2015 has been a year for growth, removal and progress. I'm so excited about it. I know that 2016 is going to be ever more awesome. AWESOME!!!!

So my aunt(the cool one) sent out a text about having Thanksgiving at my grandmother's house. I've yet to respond, because I'm not going, have no plans on going, and my son won't be going. One thing I didn't foresee was that my cousins aren't going either, well I knew they weren't gonna go if I didn't go. That's just how we roll though. We are doing turkey day here, here then taking the kids to look at Christmas lights. That weekend, I will bring Ezzie to his great gramma Liz's house again so he can see his cousins and family from Cali. It should be fun. I'm aware that I may go over there on Thanksgiving for a little bit, but that is undecided at this point.

I'm supposed to be writing a paper comparing and contrasting Piaget and Vygotsky's view's on cognitive development. But my stupid textbook won't load, ugh and I don't want to print it out cause that's a lot of ink. A TON OF INK. I think my off week starts the week of my birthday, which will be awesome. I'm thinking a new tattoo, its been a few years. But I'd be perfectly content to spend the day with Ez and Babe.

This class is pretty okay. I'm not down with all the extreme terminology but its really interesting to see how our brains begin to develop from the womb. Cool shit.

I suppose I should get off here. Finish my paper. Cook dinner. Take shorty to the park. bleeeeeh I want to go to the Children's Museum. My friend is in town and her daughter loves that place. We'll see. Maybe I will get babe to come too. He might enjoy it. Oye! I got sucked into that show Pretty Little Liars, omg white folks kill me the way they let their kids talk to them. If I talked to my mom like they do on this show, I wouldn't be here right now. I would say its just dramatize for television, but I have friends who speak to their parents that way. Mind boggling I swear!!!!

Toots.

Wait, I live here don't I?

So today I read an article in the Washington Post entitled " My white neighbor thought I was breaking into my own apartment. Nineteen cops showed up." By Fay Wells. I am utterly disgusted by the actions of the Santa Monica Police Department.  She locked herself out of her apartment on the way to a soccer game, and called a locksmith to let her in. Her neighbor called the cops, because obviously SHE WAS BREAKING INTO HER APARTMENT.

I've NEVER known a burglar to CALL A LOCKSMITH. Are you freaking serious?? Like bruh, go get your life. Bye, we are waiting! Furthermore this woman now has phobias about cops. Cops who are supposed to keep us safe, yet held a gun to her face and yanked an unarmed woman out of her apartment.  Why did they need NINETEEN cops for a burglary call? When my neighbors were being burglarized they only got two squad cars. I guess when the 911 call says that a brown person is breaking in somewhere you need more cops.

This is the world we are living in. A world were the murder of black men, women, and children is justified by not only the media, but by the police departments. A world where a traffic stop turns into a rally and a hash tag real quick. A world where white kids can issue threats at Mizzou to black college students and have the teachers disregard it. A world where no matter how old a black child is, they are still a freaking adult. A world where you can have a white cop using aggressive physical behavior against an unarmed black student on film, and still you whack jobs try to justify it.

This is what we see everyday on the news. It makes me fucking sick. Its bad enough when you have to deal with backbiting family members, but to have to be afraid and unsafe in your own home? That is the worst. I'm already apprehensive about moving to another predominately white neighborhood but this just makes it worse.

Its just so depressing.

Boopity Boop Boop

I've been so busy its ridiculous. I had a wonderful week off classes and now I'm back in the swing of things. Spent Veteran's Day with babe, watching the BBC and the Weather Channel. Intelligent men are just so damn sexy. We are going to family gathering this weekend, looking forward to it. We are bringing both the kids so that should be eventful.

Planning Turkey day dinner and the annual house hopping. I only ever eat my own house but I bring the baby to his families houses so we can spend some time with them as well. I'm so excited my cousin is back, cause he's gonna be cooking hahaha.

My sister is in town. I've missed her so much! I'm praying she gets this job she interviewed for so she can come home. I hate her being so far away from us. She was over yesterday and Ezra was just in heaven haha. He kept calling her auntie, auntie shay melts my heart. We are going to lunch tomorrow with her and her fiancé. Praying and crossing my fingers she gets the job.

I had several enlightened conversations the past two weeks. One thing that continues to stick out, is that God places people in your life to fulfil the needs that are lacking. Another thing that still sticks out is that I was blessed with my parents. They aren't perfect by any means but we always have each other's backs, and not everyone is that fortunate to have a relationship with their parents.

I have one more paper to write tomorrow so I can spend Sunday with my family and watch the walking dead. I still can't believe its been like two freaking weeks and they are still jerking us around about Glenn. Like is that man dead or what?? Inquiring minds WANT TO KNOW. LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO.

I've been up since five SO I'm going to take my behind to bed. Super tired I am.

Exhausted

I am so freaking exhausted. I just finished my last paper for my theology course. My next class doesn't start for another week, soooo I'm hoping to do some special stuff with Ezra. I'm just exhausted. This last paper required a lot of late nights, and early mornings. It is all worth it though, every late night is worth it.

We spent the day yesterday with my MIL and BIL. It was really enjoyable and Ezzie had such a good time. He played with his Cous Cous and tried to play with his little big uncle Leem.

The plan is to have a week long movie marathon with both Ezzie and Bae when he's not in class. We are going to watch all our favorite kiddie movies, and color  and use our Pearson shapes kit to build things. I'm even going to try taking him to the movies again to see if he can sit still long enough to actually enjoy it.

I need to call Liz and see how she's feeling. Ezra wants to go visit his gramma Liz and so do I, so hopefully she's feeling up to a visit.

I'm really tired.

almost bedtime thank gawd!

Hotline Bling

I cannot stop laughing. Drake is the man. So last night after I finished my supplemental readings, I was like oh lets cruise through Tumblr for a hot min, and see what's happening. What do I find other than a zillion memes of Drake, dancing to every song in the world. I laughed so hard I almost peed on myself. Fast forward to today, baby is napping and my friend sends me this link of none other than Drake dancing. I had to go outside I was laughing so hard. Look, Drake is everyone's inner dork. Everyone, myself included dances like that when in the privacy of their own home. I was doing it today and laughing at myself. Drake! You da real MVP maaaaaan!

I turned in my paper and now I have another ridiculously long ass paper to write. Yay me...but not really.

My family amuses me. They make me laugh. At them. GO get yo life, stop worrying about what we doing over here cause it really doesn't concern you. I could be more specific but I won't. Lame asses.

Anyways, next week going out with Bae, should be fun. Some comedian is in town so it should be a barrel of laughs. I think I'm going to wear a dress...idk yet. It should be nice to spend some one on one time sans baby.

I tried to get my star wars tickets last night but the server CRASHED so no tickets. Sad day man. Sad friggin day, I think now I'm gonna leave Ez home when we go see it so I don't have to leave due to a toddler meltdown.

Now back singing Hotline Bling aloud and dancing while I start my next assignments.

If your reading this, God loves you.

His name is worthy

So my hair game has been on point lately.  Too bad it's almost winter.  Winter means protective styles, twists maybe braids. I really want to be working on the rest of my paper,  but I promised I would relax tonight.  He thinks I overwork myself.  He's probably right,  I know he is.  I spoke with my academic advisor today.  He seemed super psyched about my GPA. Which made me super psyched as well.  A 3.5 makes me happy but this 4.0 makes me downright giddy. 

I'm realizing of late that I don't hardly sleep.  Even now that the baby is in his own bed.  I'm just awake,  usually doing hw or reading the Bible or meditating. As a result I  consume mass amounts of coffee.  I live for coffee now.  I've gotten like my cousin,  she can drink coffee anytime and pass out. 

I let him read part of my paper the other day.  Even tho he's not a believer, I find myself hoping that some part of it reaches him.  Writing this paper has me feeding some kinda way. It just truly shows how good God is. This class is an encouragement. I hope God reaches him in time.

I got bit up by mosquitos the other day. Mildly irritating but what's a lady to do

Im disconnecting again. Let's see if He picks up on it.  He usually does,  he's a lot of things but a dummy he's not.

I think once I'm done with this class im going to reward myself with a solo trip to California.  No baby,  no family,  just me. I'm going to sleep.  And probably only emerge to eat. Lol that is the dream vacation right there lol

Well,  I'm going to go for a walk and do some laundry. Aaaaaaaand watch the Walking Dead. I love that show.  Hahaha

Tootz

Random

Life takes us to unexplainable places. 
Life brings us to unexplainable moments.
Both good and bad.
I'm in a good place.
School is going fabulous.
My son is thriving and amazing.
The people that matter know they are loved Even He knows what he means to me.

God keeps blessing me.  Day after day,  hour after hour,  and min after min.  I'm looking forward to this next chapter in my life. 

Binary Beats, EDM Music, and Bae

Yesterday I was so peeved off that I couldn't focus on my Mark 8:28/9 assignment. Thankfully that has since been rectified, and completed. I was reminded by several people in my life that as a writer, someone will always take offense with my perceptions. Everyone has a different experience with people, and I can only write about mine. I refuse to apologize for anything I've written because that is my truth. If people don't like it, they can go about their day instead of checking my site multiple times a day.

With that being said Spotify has a nifty EDM study music playlist, that I listen to simultaneously with my binary beats. Even though I got maybe four hours of sleep, I was still able to maintain my focus. I also completed my assignment ahead of schedule. I'm debating on starting work on next weeks paper which is going to be way longer than anything we've done so far.

Been rocking with Bae since 2010/9 and we have our issues but I can truly say that we are a team. Even when one of us is being silly, we still have each others backs. That's truly blessed feeling. I'm hoping tomorrow when he comes over, we can take the baby to our park. We need to get out of the house, and I need a break from my schoolwork. I'm never behind but I do tend to get single-mindedly focused. 

I find myself so amused by my family. I really am. Everyone always wants to pretend that things haven't happened, or they want to sugarcoat shit and that's not how I operate. I call it like I see it and when my views are the same as other peoples, meaning we share the same experiences with people, whose really imagining things. The last time I went to my grandmothers, I had a panic attack. My cousins had to take my son inside so I could go calm down enough to walk into that house. I had to call my boyfriend to talk me down. My pulse didn't stop racing until I was in my car well away from that place.

My "families" thoughts, opinions and comments about me don't really matter. Why? Because they are irrelavent to my life. My circle is small for a reason. The only people that matter are the ones that have been here. My parents, my brothers, my cousins, my Korean, and most importantly my babe. My Mama Ray goes without being said, she is my rock with the dysfunctional people I'm related to.

I really don't care that my dad's sister found my blog. Who gives a shit? Its out here to be read. People always have something to say when they can't even take care of their own shit. That's life. But I'm still unbothered and doing me. You tried to throw shade but you don't know me and you never will.

This is why I miss my mom's parents, my grampa ain't been dead a full year yet but I still miss his voice. My Madea was the most loving, caring kind woman you would ever meet. She never had a negative word to say about anyone. Anyone whose ever met her would agree that she was a saint. I miss her so much, I know that she would truly love me and my son. My grampa Sam was a character, towards the end of his life he surely tried my patience but I never doubted his love for me, or my son. When Ezra would crawl/walk into wherever my grampa was his face would light up. That's love.

Love isn't insulting your grandchildren and making them feel like shit because you are an unhappy person. Love isn't insulting my mother and pretending its a compliment. Love is what I get from my Mama Ray, who calls and texts just to say hi or check on her great-nephew. Love is my aunt Dana, who is so much like Madea its ridiculous. Love is my dad with his insane overprotectiveness and drive for me to succeed. Love is my mom, who keeps it real no matter what the cost. Love is appreciating the ones who love you and hold you down.

I don't really care about the ones who don't matter, because the one's who do mean the world to me. That's my family. I told my mom I wouldn't blog about that comment I received but I guess I just did. So if you take anything from this know that I am unapologetic, I don't care that she read it I'm happy she did, maybe now she will know that my dad was right and that her treatment of me has never been right. Maybe she will start to question her actions towards her grandchildren.  Maybe her behavior towards me will change, but I doubt it and it doesn't matter. I have a family who loves me for who I am, flaws and all. I have cousins who I love them and their kids unconditionally and I would do anything for them, as they would for me.

That's all that really matters in life. In spite of your caustic comment, I remain unbothered because I am too blessed to be stressed.

Personal Experiences: The Truth Hurts

As a writer, people will be offended by your truth. The truth hurts and yet, I remain unbothered.

Yall have a blessed day now.

Cold Coffee, Tootsie Pops and the Walking Dead

So the blogger app on my phone is acting superbly wonky. I've been trying to update for the past few nights, but the doggone thing won't save/publish my posts. I started that new class a few weeks ago, Christian Worldview, a theology class. There are a bunch of atheists in the class who think Christians are the scourge of the earth. Oh JOY!

We had a question yesterday about the "trinity" and how Jesus and God were two different people. 0-o Ah what happened to the ONENESS of God?  Yes I had to set the fools straight, I am no dummy. Just ridiculous.

This child of mine is surely working my nerves right now because nap time started at 1230pm and all he's done is watch TV and request bathroom breaks. I turned the TV off and am doing hw/blogging and he keeps wanting to talk. Son, shut your trap and relax your body. This nap is for me as much as for him. Its needed peace and quiet in a house that is NEVER quiet.

He's slept in his bed the past two nights. Slowly but surely we are weaning and stopping co-sleeping. I love it don't  get me wrong but he's a wild sleeper and I'm tired of getting kicked in my back and abused. I do miss the sleepy cuddles but he's a big boy now. He's almost got the hang of this potty training thing. He rarely has accidents, and this is just the next step.

His dad's been hanging out with us a lot and I think that is helping with some things. He's a no nonsense kinda guy so he doesn't let Ezra get away with crap. I think my dad's having a hard time dealing with it but its life. That's his father. Get on board. At the end of the day Ezra needs this relationship with his dad. Its what I've always wanted.

I need to get back to my assignment. I might try to update later on tonight if my app works. I prefer doing it on the app anyways. Toodles

also... I love cold coffee, but it has to be really strong. Aaaaaaaaaand the Walking Dead is back on Sunday! powPowpow zombies!

I am Enough

The title may be somewhat misleading.

  I am enough. 

What does that even mean?  I am enough is a simple enough statement.  To someone somewhere I will be enough of a reason to stick around. I will matter enough to become a permanent meaningful fixture of someone's life.  They will care enough to make things work.  They won't walk away from a permanent kinda women for a fleeting female.

I am more than enough for someone somewhere. 

But where is he?  Will he love my son?  Will he treat us well?  Will he choose to be our forever man and never walk away? 

I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH. 

I feel like I should be heartbroken

I am sad. I have a killer migraine. Most likely due to the insane amount of reading I have this week. I am enjoying my new class tho.  It's nice to debate religious  matters with like minded folks. 

Ezra is almost totally potty trained.  He's doing so awesome and im very proud of him.   He's turning into such a big boy.  He opens the car door for me.  He is turning into such an awesome boy. 

I'm very over almost everyone in my life.  Everyone has something to say about my parenting, and im just done with it. I want my forever man. Like does he even exist. I thought maybe he had found me but that wasn't the case.  I'm gonna just focus on keeping my grades up. 

I got an A in my first class and I am so proud of myself.  Hard work really does pay off.  Hopefully I can do just as well with my Christian Worldview class.  We had to watch a movie for class and I picked Gods Not Dead.  It was a really good movie. 

I still have a headache.  This blows and i really feel like I'm gonna be off guys for yet another year.   Or two depending on how fast I can finish my degree. 

Bleh

don't let other peoples insecurities and uhappiness overshadow what your trying to accomplish with your life

So. Before I jump into the horror that was my visit to my grandmothers house, I'll just say that the way she treats me. I'm used to it but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

I went over there with my dad and I wrongly decided to share my good news with her. I don't know why I expected her to be happy I was back in school. I don't know why I expected any response other than the one she gave me. Instead of her telling me she was happy for me, or even giving me a positive response. She said "OH" in this grumpy who gives a fuck tone.

No big deal right? Well, I told her I planned to use my degree to homeschool Ezra and that's when she became animatedly condescending. "Your SELFISH" is what came out of her mouth. I'm selfish because I want to give my son an education centered around his academic needs and goals. Okay. I see you. Then I was told that "so n so" is an awesome educator and such a compassionate person, and I'm just like my mom. She went on to further upset me.

Writing this just showed me that she's very bitter and unhappy and that I shouldn't allow her to get to me.

I"m going to school for me not for her. So her opinion doesn't really matter to me. ugh.

HATERS GONNA HATE

On a side note, I'm doing excellent with my meditations and chakra balancing. I'm so grateful to my friend Kaila for exposing me to it. It has been such a help the past few weeks especially with my schooling and my concentration. I love being so centered and in control of my emotions. Its amazing.

Here's to hoping my plans for the weekend are awesome and fun and safe!

Uncomfortable Spaces Pt. 2

Once again I'm find myself in that space. This time because I lack understanding. I don't understand why they say they love me. I can understand the love they have for my son, because he is super freaking amazing. But I don't get why they love me. I avoid calling because every time I do, they thank me repeatedly for allowing them to be a part of our lives. They thank me for doing the right thing and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel like they should have to thank me for being a mature adult.

I was raised on family and family is what I'm raising my son on. No matter how much it has hurt me in the past. I told his gramma that his dad is trying and that I'm encouraging that. No matter how I feel about his decision, or the things he's done, he does love my son. Our son. To some degree I think he loves me. I mean he says he does, but that could be just noise. Only time will tell.

I told him the other day that even when he was fucking up, I was still holding him down. One thing I learned from my girl Shay is that you NEVER dog out the father of your child. Why, because it is a reflection of you. I chose him, so if I call him a bum ass, then that makes me a bum ass too.

In reality he's not a bad guy, he just didn't have a good family situation growing up. As a result he had no good father figures, no good mother figures, he basically raised himself. I always tell him to that my family ain't perfect but we stick by each other no matter what. That's all a family is.

I think that's what really makes me uncomfortable. The possibility that I actually love his family. I love his flaky mom and brother, they mean well and they are so fun to be around. I love his dad and his aunts because they are always so good to us. But mostly I love his gramma because she always reminds me that aside from all the bad decisions he's made, he really does love us.

His gramma and his cousin Myc have always been super nice to me. I never understood why but I guess I need to stop wondering. Sometimes people are just real and genuine. His cousin in the five or so years I've known him has always been consistent  in his behavior with me. He's always been super cool, to be honest I'm glad he sticks to KB like glue. He needs that type of consistency in life. His gramma is just real as hell. She told me yesterday that she would be upset if anyone hurt me or that baby including him. I asked her why, and she said because she loves me and him and that we are family.

She's nicer to me than my own gramma is seriously.

I don't know, but I think I'm growing out of this uncomfortable space and I'm So Glad About It.

Has God delivered you from your White Privilege today?

Its been a long time since I've done an in-depth update/rant/whatever. I've been busy with SCHOOL. Yes people, I've gone off and became a college student. I'm now attending Grand Canyon University online. I have been super focused on completing my assignments and getting good grades so I've really let blogging slide to the side. I haven't really told that many people outside of my home. Its like my little secret! I'm loving it, I love learning and I'm excited for my course of study.

Now onto the rant portion.

I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF MY WHITE FRIENDS SAYING THAT THEY ARE "SO OVER SEEING #BLACKLIVESMATTER IN THE NEWS".

OMFG like really? Please ask God to save you from your white privilege. Either he saves you or I'm going to continue to obliterate people.

 One girl said that "White lives matter too, why isn't anyone complaining about the boy the cops killed." I had to go in depth with her. I didn't want to because her and her husband are really good friends  of mine but DAMN. Like how are you my friend but your so damn blind? Is that a reflection of me??

Firstly, REVERSE RACISM ISN'T A THING. If you are lacking melatonin you cannot claim someone is racist against you! Racism is trying to justify your race as being above another, its the systematic oppression of a race of people for more than 250 years. So please, tell me how I'm a racist for calling you out on your White privilege. Perhaps you mean BIGOTRY?  BIGOTRY is having an intolerance towards those who hold different opinions from yourself. BIGOTRY is a major issue these days. Maybe we should all invest in dictionary apps before we start throwing these complicated words around.

It just frustrates me that my white "friends" don't see that by proclaiming #BLACKLIVESMATTER we aren't attacking their whiteness, we aren't attacking their lack of melatonin. We are just asking to be treated as well as they treat their damn pets. Like for instance that lion was killed by an American dentist a week or two ago. OMFG, the dentist is in hiding, there is uproar! "omg someone killed a lion, lets hang him, lets tar and feather him" but can I get a little of that indignation when a black person is killed? Hell people(melatonin lacking individuals) are more butt hurt when someone leaves a dog in a car WITH the windows down, than when a cop unjustly murders a black person.

 I'm serious. People go to jail for animal abuse, but cops who murder black people are still walking the streets, with pay, with jobs. Anytime there is a black person murdered by the cops, the media IMMEDIATELY JUSTIFIES THE COPS ACTIONS. "Well, ah she was an angry black woman, she must have committed suicide after consuming large amounts of marijuana", "oh well, he was wearing a hoodie so he was probably a gangster", "oh well he had a TOY BB GUN so the cop probably saved us all".

Like how do you sleep at night, JUSTIFYING THE MURDERS OF INNOCENT AFRICAN AMERICANS???? Hell, forget them being black, HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT JUSTIFYING THE MURDER OF ANYONE?? Like this shit gets me so heated. Everyday for the past few years, POC have been BOMBARDED with images of people that look like us being murdered by police. Do you have any idea how damaging this is? When I drive and see cops, my anxiety level raises. I panic. A routine traffic stop can turn into a hashtag and a rally real quick these days. Yet melatonin challenged people want to say that systematic racism is no longer an issue in the good ole' USA.

See I've went off track AGAIN, that's my issue. I'm very passionate about this. Not because I'm BLACK but because the lives of PETS are more important, more treasured than the lives of a group of people. My "friend" had me so heated that day, she countered me with the old "well black people kill black people all the time". It was mind boggling that she doesn't seem to understand that #BLACKLIVESMATTER isn't about gang warfare, its about MY LIFE HAVING VALUE. I need to know that if I'm murdered by a cop, JUSTICE will be served. I need to know that my murder won't be JUSTIFIED as "angry black woman" syndrome. I need to know that my life matters.

The fact that people are even trying to argue with #BLACKLIVESMATTER is telling of their views on their black friends. If you come at me with "all lives matter" this is what I'm saying to you, "WE KNOW YOUR LIFE MATTERS BUT SOCIETY VIEWS BLACK LIVES, MY LIFE AS HAVING LESSOR VALUE, AND BEFORE YOU SAY THAT'S NOT THE CASE PLEASE LOOK AT THE NEWS, LOOK AT THE STATISTICS OF BLACK MURDERS DUE TO COPS, LOOK AT THE LACK OF JUSTICE THAT HAS BEEN SERVED, LOOK AT THE LACK OF INDIGNATION, LOOK AT HOW YOU JUSTIFY OUR MURDERS. WHY DO YOU GET SO DAMN OFFENDED WHEN WE SAY #BLACKLIVESMATTER WHY ARE YOU SO PROUD OF YOUR BIGOTRY? LIKE WHY? I'VE NEVER MET A GROUP OF PEOPLE SO UNWILLING TO ACCEPT THIER HISTORY OF HATRED. ACCEPT IT. HIDING UNDER A CLOAK OF AMBIVALENCE ISN'T HELPING MATTERS. #BLACKLIVESMATTER ISN'T TAKING AWAY FROM THE VALUE YOUR LIFE HAS, ITS ACKNOWLEDGING THE VALUE OF OUR LIVES."

I could go on and on and on about this, but at the end of the day if we  have to have this conversation, we probably don't need to be friends. I can't continue to argue over the value of my life, with people who don't care.

Oh how we love our ideas of people

Aren't we as Christians supposed to draw people closer to God by being transparent. By praying for others. And basically by showing others our spirits? 

How are we going to draw anyone closer to God, if we are stuck in bitterness and  childish behavior? 

I can understand being disappointed because someone sins.  But you still have to love that person. Their sin is IRRELEVANT  because you are COMMANDED to love them and to pray for them. Trying to punish them for their sin will only result in pushing them further away from God.

I'm not a perfect Christian,  none of us are,  but in my daily interactions ESPECIALLY  with my unsaved family members,  I  strive to show them  I love them.  Not because God commanded it,  but because I  genuinely love them. 

Family shouldn't pit  family against each other.  PARENTS SHOULDN'T PIT SIBLINGS AGAINST EACH OTHER.  What's the purpose in this? ? There isn't any.  It just breaks up your family. 

Sometimes you just have to pray for folks. That's all i can do right now is pray. God will handle things when it's time. 

I care, I swear, wait is a lie

Random crap.

I've been oil pulling with coconut oil and oil of oregano and my mouth feels super awesome. I've got new vitamins, and I've been doing some things differently.  I have more energy, I'm much nicer (sorta). Too bad they don't make emotional vitamins. 

I'm feeling out of sorts because while the white flag has temporarily been waived, there still doesn't seem to be any interest in actually seeing ezra. I always offer to FaceTime so he can talk/see him and he never responds. Or he's always "busy". It's just really aggravating. 

I'm going to stop trying.  It's pointless.  It aggravates me.  It annoys me to no end.  i always get over optimistic and think "omg he wants to be a real father". But I'm always mistaken and disappointed.  I don't have any romantic aspirations for him.  That's just not ever a good thing.  I just wish he would be a father. 

On another note,  everything and everyone aggravates the hell out of me.  I'm extremely apathetic which would normally bug me but I know is because of a show I'm watching. 

Obama promised me change so where the heck is it?

Sobeautiful IDC but NWTS again

I'm not good with stress, anxiety,  or emotions.  I'd rather experience anger over grief or sadness.  I'd rather feel detached than love or any type of emotion.  I'd rather just not feel things. Feeling things means I have to be emotionally present.  I'd just rather not unless it comes to my son. 

Having experienced love,  or what I thought was love,  I'm just not down for it. Having experienced heartache,  loss,  broken heart syndrome I know that I can't deal with it.  Is it worth it to pour your entire being into something/someone else only to have it fall apart?  I mean there is always something to learn out of every experience.  But at the cost of losing myself,  my self worth,  my dignity is it really worth it?

I'm noticing that I'm back to what I was a few years ago,  the facade.  I'm personable,  friendly even but I don't divulge my true self. I keep parts of myself closed off from everyone including my family.  I don't talk to anyone including my "friends", and I use this term loosely.  Because everyone is only in it for what you can do for them. Not  for the experience of actually knowing someone inside and out.  Not for the chance to really understand what makes people tick.  They are just there. 

Let me reassure you I've not been disillusioned against anything,  I'm just rather nonchalant about it.  I don't care because caring leads to disappointment.  I don't care to be disappointed in people any longer.  Life's too short for all that. 

I've had the " work best friends"  who promise to never lose touch but you end up never talking to them again.  I've had the cousins who used to be extra tight but then you suddenly grow apart and never speak again.  I've had people promise to never leave me,  the I'll love you forever ones just flip a switch and take off.  Those relationships will never be the same again. 

I think on some level I mourn the loss of what was,  what could have been.  But the dynamic changes, it mutates and never is the same again. People are transient, here one minute gone the next. I suppose that's life right?  Or that's what we tell ourselves when people walk out of our lives with no regards to our feelings.

In spite of this,  on some level I do want to experience love again.  Not now but someday. But we'll see.  My walls are so high up is gonna take a bulldozer to break them down. A metaphorical bulldozer,  not a real one. 

I know people worry about me because of how I am.  But there isn't anything I can, nor will do about it.  I'm safe here.  No one can hurt me here.  No one can get in here because they don't have the key.  They don't know how I'm feeling or what goes thru my head.  That's just how it has to be.

Because NWTS again.

Birthday Shenanigans and Other Non-Sequential Jazz

(Ezra enjoying his birthday cake)

(Dom, Me, and my mom)

So on Saturday June 27th family and friends gathered to celebrate the life of my son, Ezra Ellington. It was big stupid hot fun. I was super nervous about there being issues because I invited his bio dad, and  I know how my family feels about him. I know how his family feels about the choices he's made in his life regarding his children. Shockingly there were no overt issues, everyone put drama aside for one day. It was in fact awesome. Ezra played with his little cousins, and I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. Even tho I was beyond stressed out, the smile on my son's face made it all worth it. He enjoyed his special day and got tons of gifts. But more importantly, it proved to me that our families are able to put aside drama, and that is something I needed to know. 

 (Ezra's Bio Dad)

(Ezra kissing his great gramma Liz)

(Ezra and his Cousin Mychael{he's a hottie lol})

(My aunt Dana, My mom, and my younger brother Sam)

(My daddy and my Ezra)

( Ezra's Nana Janice, and his Ah-Bee, and Dom)

All in all It was a blessed day and it went far better than I ever imagined. My baby is no longer a baby, he's becoming a little man. I'm so proud of who he's becoming, and I'm so happy that God is leading me during this parenting adventure.

Avoidance

I really need to blog.  But i can't.  I've literally been staying at a blank screen for the part week or so.  Tomorrow.  I will try again. Maybe while i get my nails done.

I miss when my small potato was small

In one week my son will be two.  In one week I will have been a single parent for two years.  In one week I will probably cry my eyes out because my baby won't be a baby anymore. Time just rushed past entirely too fast.  Wasn't it just yesterday I had him? ??

Watching him grow up is just mind boggling.  He picks up words so quickly. He's intelligent,  very charismatic,  and loving.  He suddenly developed a love for hot wheels cars.  He will sit and play with them for hours.  Crashing them and making noises. 

He still loves his babies tho.  Gah im not ready for him to grow up.  I want to make sure I don't fail him as a parent.  I don't want to make the mistakes my parents made with me.  I need to work on my temper and my patience.  He can be frustrating. He's so stubborn and loves to try me. 

God did a miraculous thing when he created my son. He took a shitty situation and just turned it around. We want for nothing.  We have the best support system ever.  Tons of people who love us even if they aren't always really available. Most importantly we have each other.

I tell him daily that I love him and that I'm proud of him.  I give him tons of his and kisses.  I try to show him what love is the way my parents showed me.  Love is being there not just physically but emotionally.  Love is allowing him to make mistakes but being there to soften the fall.

It is fact that I am a major screw up,  but this child of mine is the best thing I've ever done. I could wax poetic about how he's changed my life, but I won't. 

I am now excited for his party. Yay baby ezra lol

It's 2015 Stay Woke

It's so hard being woke when everybody else is sleep.  Wake up dummies and see how society is distracting you. How many of you know that the Patriot Act(2.0) is no more?  The reason you don't know is because of bruce/caityln jenner flooding the airwaves. Now we have the Master of Disguise aka Rachel Dozenal aka master of cultural appropriation flooding the airwaves. Any good things she's done are now null and void due to her lies. 

Wake up and stay woke.

Ps please miss me with any transphobia comments. I am not the one.

Sparkly Unicorns Sparkle

So let's just start by saying I have been avoiding writing.  One reason being my bff of forever isn't talking to me, at all.  Reason two being I have a major freaking concrete block in my head.  It's blocking my creative juices.  Thirdly,  ezra hid my keyboard.  Again.  The struggle is so real.

We are in the throes of terrible twos.  My nice loveable baby has been replaced with the "no monster". Every single thing i do warrants a very loud and vocal NO. There are a ton of tantrums,  refusing to eat,  and of course getting kicked out of church for crying or yelling over the pastor. I hate the word no.  I csn ask if he's hungry and he puts his little hands up and screams "no mommy no thank you". He fights diaper changes.  Ugh! !!

He was mauled by the demon pesks, the mosquito. His legs are COVERED to the point where I've been putting band aids on them to keep him from itching.  He itched his legs till they bled the other day. They got him good this year.

His party is planned.  Everyone has been invited.  Including his father.  And I'm so anxious about if everyone will behave.  Extremely anxious. But it should be fun for ezra.  It better be. 

I'm in a calm space.  I think I'm in shock my baby is gonna be two.  He's not really a baby anymore. He's a small human with a strong personality,  opinions,  and stubborn as heck.  But I love my twin, he's my boy,  mommy's little cock blocker. He's my angel.

I asked his father when he was going to start helping out.  You can imagine how that conversation went but he said he got ezra some things.  We've been trying to meet up but since everyone else is using my truck it hasn't happened. 

I hate not driving my truck.  Or rather I hate letting my brother use it. I don't mind my dad driving it cuz he's car smart and not an idiot. But lately I haven't been able to leave the house cuz they always take off with my car and I'm fucking stranded.  Like I'm stuck home all day,  no big except I haven't gone grocery shopping in a month.  Just like ugh.

I went to my aunts wedding vow renewal. It was beautiful.  We didn't stay long cause ezra has a fever but the ceremony was so beautiful.  Loved it!  I still have hope one day I will get married! One day right? 

The Woman formerly known as Bruce Jenner

Based on the reaction I got on tumblr, nobody wants to hear this. But if Caitlyn Jenner//Brucie was Dwight from the down the street no one would be saying a damn thing about the "miraculous transformation". I'm sincerely happy for her that she's found her place in life, however I am so tired of seeing it all over the fucking internet. Move the fuck on. There are so many things are way more important and relevant than changing your identifying pronouns. To be quite honest the only reason people are all "omg omg I shit my pants" is because 1.) the connection to the Kardashians, and 2.) White woman. 

No one made such a stink over Laverne Cox. So why don't we all move along with our lives in an orderly fashion, because face it, whether she's Caitlyn Jenner or Bruce Jenner she ain't done jack diddly for you. There are way more important things we could be discussing. The current state of our government, the polices "we like to kill/murder/make the victim the perpertrator of black males", AIDS, Cancer research, the decline of morals, the list seriously goes on. 

I am in no way transphobic, homophobic but I am seriously tired of seeing her all over my feed. 

Slacker mess

Im slacking on my blogging.  There has been a lot going on.  I'm uber exhausted and my child was mauled by Mosquitos.  So i will blog in depth tomorrow. Tonight i shall sleep and dream.

The stuff

Facetimed with the ex today. 
I upset him n now he's being a pouty baby.
Things change.
Relationships change.
benefits change.
I refuse to allow myself to open up.
Refuse to allow myself to care.

Substantial or nah

This has been a family weekend.  Feeling pretty good about things. I'm not allowing people to dictate my moods. 

Life is swell.  God is good.  I'm blessed. And today,  I'm not worried about the future. God will provide the things and people I need in my life. 

Frustrated Post is ranty and angry

So lately I've been feeling some kinda way.  Just a little frustrated.  Nothing is going the way I want it to.  Things are way tense at home.  I have this niggling feeling some mess is about to go down,  my feelings are NEVER wrong.  I applied for this job but apparently I'm "over qualified" for it.  And I am beyond over being single.  Oh and the question was posed to me the other day, whether it was possible to be "best friends" with my ex.  By him.  He asked me that. 

Life frustrates me.  I know that there is a reason why my life is utterly fucked up.  I know this but even doing the work to change shit isn't working.  WTF should I, could I be doing differently???

Shits just unfair.  I'm always exhausted.  I'm lonely. I have my dad talking mad crap to me constantly,  reminding me just how messed up my life is.  Calling me fat,  always making me feel like I'm less than human.  Then he offers me bs apologies which really aren't apologies,  more so an  acknowledgement of his actions. 

I have my ex,  who I'm perfectly fine being friends with but he pisses me off because not once has he offered to buy diapers,  see the child,  or do anything to help me with him.  I don't know why I expect anything different.  I just always want to believe the best in people.  I told him today it must be nice to lead the single responsibility free life.  No duty or obligations to anyone.  Spending all your money on what you want.  I wish!!!

I just want to put people in a line and tell them to go fuck themselves.  But I don't.  I hold it all inside and feel like shit.  I wake up with migraines.  The kind where my eye twitches all day,  and the vein above my eye throbs and pulses.  My body always hurts.  And even when I fix myself up,  do my hair,  put on a little mascara there is no one to appreciate my efforts. 

I'm tired of being taken for granted.  I want to tell people I won't always be here every time you screw me over.  I'm not going to always welcome you back into my circle.  Family or not sometimes enough is enough. 

I've been avoiding blogging the past week because I knew it was going to be a frustrated,  angry,  overly emotional ranty dialogue. But maybe,  just maybe I won't cry myself to sleep tonight.  Maybe just maybe I won't be craving cigarettes still.  Maybe just maybe something positive and happy will Happen tomorrow. Something to cause me to smile.

I want to fucking smile so hard my face hurts.  I want to be hugged so hard that my bones pop. I want to fucking matter to someone.  Can I be fucking important and relevant to anyone?  I just want to matter.  To feel loved and not like a disposable clorox wipe.  This is me waiting. 

Universe,  if your listening when is my happy positive change coming???? When am I going to be loved???? I'm ready. 

Can I catch a fucking break already???

Rules for Being in My Life

Rules of thumb
1. Don't help people if you intend to hold it over their heads or make them feel like shit about it.
2. If your unhappy with your own life,  don't you dare take it out on others.  That's the quickest way to lose friends and family.
3. Keep your toxicity to yourself.  I don't want it.

Sometimes toxic unhappy people want to bring everyone down. Why, simply because they are unhappy with themselves.  I know I'm in a tough spot in my life and i don't need you rubbing my face in it. 

I am seriously tired of being made to feel like shit by the very ones who are supposed to be my safety net.  Fuck off with that. 

However,  i refuse to allow this person to fuck up my mood.  Especially since he's going to regret what he said tomorrow.  But it's whatever. 

People are so temporary these days, even family ain't permanent. 

A Mother's Love

Today wasn't what I expected.  My son woke up at five am,  has been a hot mess all day.  Crabby and unhappy crying if I was out of sight.  But he just wanted me. His mommy.

He hugged me and kissed me all day. He gave me a beautiful necklace and a cute card.  I got a new purse,  but none of that matters. 

He told me love mama.

I love this child.  When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified.  I knew I would be parenting alone.  I was afraid I would screw it up.  I was afraid he wouldn't like me.

And he doesn't just like me, he LOVES me.

I am his sun,  what his life revolves around.  He lives for my smile,  my hugs,  my bobos (lol).

Being a mother is such an honor. God trusted me enough to give me another life to nurture. So even though as a mom I sometimes feel grossly inadequate,  God knows I am a good mom.

Today was a really good day.  I spent it with the person I love the most. My twin,  my heart,  my baby boy.  It's true what they say,  you never know love until you have a child.  It is an unconditional,  faithful,  unfailing love. 

I pray that I continue to be a mother he can be proud of,  a mother he can trust. 

I love this life God has given me.

Happy Mother's Day

Pet Peeve

K so mothers day is this weekend and I'm overt it really but it seriously aggravates me when women complain and they have partners/husbands. At least someone will be acknowledging your momming efforts. I'm going to be stuck in virtual hell most of the afternoon. Gah

Jealousy is a sin. I seriously need to repent

Peace n Quiet

There is really something so calming about watching my son sleep.  His facial expressions are so calm and still.  His little sighs,  and his snores are even cute.  This is one of the best parts of moming.

Now i have a quiet moment to myself to just decompress.  No toys to trip over,  years to wipe,  just the soft snoring of my baby and my fan whirring.  My house is never quiet,  even now i can hear my dad and brothers stomping around. I miss quiet.

I'm hoping that within the next year, hopefully by the end of 2016, I will have enough saved up to move out and live comfortably.  I miss having my own space.  Being able to relax without someone harassing me.  Not having to clean up after grown ass people.  Miss miss it!

My parents are doing a good thing helping me get on my feet.  I needed this time but I'm ready now.  I really am. Plus they deserve to have some quiet in their home.  God knows Ezra is extra loud.  Plus it might be nice to parent without having someone undermine me. 

Hmmmm just stuff to think about while i wait for my comforter to dry.

A Blessing Delayed is Not a Blessing Denied

  

For whatever reason I always write to music, bear with me as I'm using a different  keyboard tonight. I'm really not feeling it, the space bar is retarded. Tonight for right now I'm listening to Tony! Toni! Tone'!  "the Greatest Hits". As a child I was exposed to gospel and oldies. I got my current music fix at school or at my sisters house. I really do prefer the older music, it had meaning. If it was about sex, it was tasteful, not overly obvious. So lets see where this cd takes us hmm?

So this weekend has been fun filled. Went to my cousins birthday party yesterday and had a really good talk with an old friend. She never cared for my ex and it kinda drove a wedge between us, but thats in the past. It was fun, Ezra had fun and played a lot of games. Relaxed at home with my mom afterwards cause I wasn't feel100%. I'm feeling better today but still extremely nauseas.

Church today was good. I hardly ever connect during the sermon cause I'm  trying to tame my child, but  today I got to listen. My child was on a whole different level today at church. I'm so over this asshole stage he's in. I tried to talk to his dad about it but thats sensitive issue so it didn't go well. I need to learn to use tact especially when speaking to him. He's sensitive now about things. 

On the ex, we don't really speak on the weekends. I'm not really sure why but its whatever. I decided that I'm not going to bring up him seeing Ezra unless he brings it up. I've already tried to initiate a play date twice and he didn't go for it, so the ball is in his court. I'm aware that at some point I will have to initiate a conversation with him about him supporting Ezra financially but I know that won't go well  so I'm waiting. I've just about made up my mind to invite him to the birthday party. Even if he's been absent more often than present, I have to give him a shot. He'll probably blow it, or show up and be a jerk to people but he's not coming for them. bleh

That whole situation is kinda shit. Even when its "good" its still shit. I firmly believe God can turn that around tho. Speak it into exsistence and it shall be. I have faith that at some point he's going to grow up and be ready to be a father. {I've actually switched musical  genres at this point and am grooving to The Clark Sisters "there is a balm in Gilead"}

Since  we've been speaking again, I've tried to be sensitive and not abrasive as I usually am. I know he's going thru some stuff and I'm not trying to be difficult or come with drama. I think I owe it to myself to be above it. I think at this point I'm moreso concerned with his ability to parent. I want Ezra to know his brother. I want them to have some type of relationship even tho they don't live together. 

I'm going to stay encouraged. God is so good to me and Lord knows I don't deserve it. I can be an aweful person and a shrew but God loves the shit out of me anyhow. I need to keep reminding myself that although I've made some mistakes, I AM NOT A MISTAKE. I am a blessing whether or not I see it. God will restore my family. He will restore my sons father. I know this. I trust this. 

Also I need to learn how to socialize again. That could be useful. I think after I finish my project for my cousin//boss I'm going to go pray. I've been doing that a lot. After I blog or write I pray. I have to continue to thank God even tho I'm not where I want to be, even if I don't know where that is.

Love you all  hope everyone is beyond blessed 

Random Observations, Forgiveness, Exes and Baseball

So tonight I went to my godsons baseball game. It was pretty fun, Ezra got to run wild with my goddaughter Mimi(Emily) and I got to hang out and watch the game. While at the game my baby mama Jenny shared some insights with me regarding, yes the ex. She seems to think that this "conversating" we've been doing is a segue into relationship territory. It really isn't. We are at our best as friends. Thats how it's always been, we kinda suck in relationships. I assured her its not even that way. I think she is just paranoid about me getting hurt again. She's my girl tho.

My godson did really good tonight and even got a home run(unsure of the correct term). They still lost by six points but it was a good game. Kids sports are so doggone competitive. Like A was bugging cuz the coach kept rotating the kids in diff positions instead of letting them stick where they excell at. I can totally see his point tho. I was kinda peeved off at a parent on the other team who kept going behind the dugout to "coach" his kid. It was highly distracting. 

My ex facetimed us today. Ezra showed him his new trucks. He even got to see his cousin Mychael, who is just the beez kneez. He's always been hella cool, plus he loves Star Wars so he's totally cool in my book. The first time I met him he watched Anime with me, Princess TuTu to be exact. He's got a daughter two months younger than Ezra. Hopefully Ezra will get to know his little cousin and form some type of bond with her like I have with my cousins. 

We went to the Waffle House with my cousin Chantelle and her son Jamarion. It was nice to get out of the house and talk to an adult lol. I love that girl. She has seriously been my rock the past few years. She's been thru so much with her moms health, and losing her last year. I just admire her. She's a single mom, working full time and attending school full time. I love her face.

I've just been in this strangely complacent mood lately. I've been calm today. I meditated and prayed last night and I think that helped a lot.  I feel like things are going to start changing for the best. I'm excited for that. I'm actually looking forward to Ezra's birthday. We are gonna do it at Chucky Cheese's because they have more games for his age range. I'm hoping this year is a success. A nonstressful success. 

Personally I'm excited for possibilities. You never know what can happen. I'm praying my sister comes to visit soon. I miss her face and I want to hug her. I'm excited for a breast reduction, I feel like that could end my constant back issues. I'm praying it does cause I dislike my back wiggin out on me every other week. 

I think the main thing is for me to stay prayerful. Prayer is key especially with me. If I skip praying my mood flip flops around and my depression flares up. Prayer is also essential to me being friends with my ex. It serves as a reminder to leave the past in the past and to forgive and LET IT GO. I told him today he's already stabbed me in the back several times but I've had to let it go and move forward. I pray constantly to keep this state of mind. Prayer is KEY.

I think thats all thats on my mind right now. I'm focusing on my son, myself, my life and as usual my family. 

Love is contagious. 

 

Every Time I go to a Disco, The people dance to the funky mix

Lately I've been kinda contemplating my life. Like I'm a mom, first and foremost that is the one thing in life I must succeed at, failure is not an option here. Secondly, I'm a daughter and a sister although sometimes I wish I wasn't because some people aggravate the crap outta me. Thirdly and lastly I'm me. I don't do enough for me. I know this, but its really not an option. By the time I'm done caring for my son, and caring for the nonappreciative assholes in my family(not all but like 2peeps) I literally have nothing left for me. Hence the blogging. 

Mother's Day is in like a week. My mom asked me what I wanted to do or what I wanted for MD. I was really thinking "I don't fucking know", but I said IDK. Like honestly what is the purpose of Mother's Day? Last years sucked major ass turds and I would really not like to repeat it. Had a crappy dinner and then rotted away at home. My ex did nada for me and we were together then. This year I'm just dreading it and I think I'm gonna miss church. I don't want some dead ass rose. Fuck off with that. My pastor annoys me with that. Every Mother's Day we get semi-alive roses and chocolate. The sentiment is appreciated but I'll pass. I think I can honestly add MD to one of the days I currently hate. 

We had a family thing on Sunday at my cousins house. The ones I don't see regularly kept asking about my ex. My uncle comes up to me and says "where is your goofy ass bf? Is he not good enough to come to family gatherings?" Like bruh, seriously? So I let it be known that we weren't together anymore and when my uncle found out he paid no CS, that he doesn't even see his son, nor contribute to raising him, he hit the roof. That whole thing was really awkward for me. I was sort of just chasing my kid around, not really talking to anyone. Next time I will just pass and go see my friend instead. 

Emotionally I'm kinda just empty. Not like the glass is half empty or half full, more like the glass had like a fourth in it and someone knocked it over onto the carpet. I just am not feeling much lately. I thought I got mad at someone yesterday, and I just looked at him and walked away. It just wasn't worth it. I think some of this can be attributed to the feeling of deja vu I've been having this week. I know once Ezra's bday passes I might start feeling a little better. I'm just tired of everything, doing it alone. I need a mental health day. Ha, my dad told me today I was acting like a bitch. I couldn't help but laugh I laughed and walked away. He makes me laugh, he's just so unhappy that he picks and picks at me. Just no, I see thru you, I love you but just no. 

I feel bad for the people I interact with daily. I really do because if this feeling continues, eventually its going to explode. I refuse to lash out on my kid, so they are going to get it. They are the source of my aggravation anyways. I am so flipping tired of always having to do the house shit. Neither of my brothers cooks, nor cleans nor contributes in any manner yet always has something to say. When I cook they critique it and don't like it, but they won't cook. I wake up and there is a sinkful of dishes, at night they disappear so they don't have to clean dishes. Thier bathroom is ABOMINABLE. You have to fight with them to take the trash out. I can't get them to mop a floor to save their miserable lives. 

Like today my brother made this snippy comment to me about the only person who can boss him around was God. I replied outloud, thats fucking hilarious. I was cracking up. He's in no way living life for God. If anything he's doing everything in his power to entice God to act against him. However thats his fuckin issue, he's not going to bring my kid down with him. 

I think in general I'm just annoyed. Gonna try and sleep this foul mood off. 

How Do You Sleep At Night?

When I ask this question, I'm not speaking on whether you sleep naked, or with a fan on. Or whether you sleep in complete darkness. When I ask "How do you sleep at night,"  I'm referring to your mental status. How do you live your life carefree without acknowledging your numerous failures as a human? How is it that you are able to rest your head without wondering if your child is going to bed hungry. WIthout wondering how his day was, or whats been going on in his life?

I asked you this question tonight, you've yet to respond although I know you've seen it. I've been struggling not to allow myself free reign conversationally with you. There is more to life than smoking weed all day. I know this firsthand. There are some days where I wish I could just blaze up and not think. Days I wish I could blaze and not be consumed by the blinding grief that strikes unexpectedly. But you walked and I assumed the role of the "responsible one". The former stoner//party girl is now Miss Responsible. Oddly enough I seem to succeeding at this role, moreso than I thought.

There is something so rewarding about making sure that both my son and I live thru the day without getting hurt. Gah! The past few days he's been a total terror, hitting me, biting me, throwing tantrums(in friggin walmart of all places), and just being I guess a toddler. I really don't care for this stage, its awful. Tonight for no apparent reason that I could find, you cried randomly. You would lay your head on the bed and then start the wailing. I have no clue whats going on in your head, but I'm assuming its due to teething or maybe growing pains. IDK

But I digress, we were talking about if your lack of knowledge, lack of involvement hinders your sleep. I honestlly don't think so. I honestly think that your only concern is yourself. I can't honestly think of anytime in the past five/six years that you've shown that you thought about anyone but yourself. Scary if you think about it. What type of person is so self consummed that they don't even care about thier offspring. Not to mention that when you refer to him you call him "your son", "your child", "well thats your child". 

Sigh, one day you will regret missing out on his life but until then "Bruh, How the hell do you sleep at night??? I hope God torments your dreams until you start being a man and handling your business, all aspects of it, not just the hoes". 

Random

I feel like it's completely illogical to be worried about my exes mental health.  Even knowing what i know,  I'm very worried. "/

Im going to pray for him.  Is really all i can do.

Samuel Roberts

Today I miss my grampa.

It came on rather suddenly.  We were leaving the park and ran into an old friend of mine who expressed her condolences to me.  She knew how much he meant to me,  to my family. And it hit me that he's been gone three months now. And i would give anything if i could just rewind time so i could hug him one more time.

Just one more time.

There really isn't a time frame with grief. I really thought it would be easier by now to think of him without crying.  To see a picture of him and not get teary eyed. I still have videos of him and ezra together. 

He lived a long life. 

But sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. 

Seasons Change

Despite how I'm feeling physically I'm still blessed.  My back is still acting up.  My body has been spasming all day and my right side is still numb and tingling.  It's highly aggravating, but I haven't let onto my folks the seriousness.  I'm pretty sure my mom is onto me but not my dad.  Bleh!

Ezra is kinda amazing.  He's picking up words left and right. He's been moving all my kitchen chairs into rows.  I got him some new books which he's been reading to his Doc McStuffins baby. He's been super helpful with my dad.  He's the best nurse next to me. And he's finally picking up his toys by himself!!!! That's a major accomplishment.  I love my son.

Today I was tempted to thank his bio dad for the gift of my son. If we had've never been in a relationship,  I wouldn't have Ezra. Even tho sometimes Ezra tests me with his stubbornness, he's still everything to me.  I know that one day when his bio dad gets his together n they start working on having a relationship he will understand why I pray for him.

Is that strange that I pray for him daily?  I know that God can open his eyes and heal him.  Even if he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him,  or acknowledge his pain God knows. And God can surely can heal him and turn his life around. 

My friends don't get why I can't hate him.  Yes, he's broken my heart,  and done things he shouldn't have but he's the father of my child, and my first love.  I will always have a special spot in my heart for him.  I will always want him to do well and be well. I had to let go of all the anger and resentment.  It's not healthy.

Plus I was always taught to pray for those who've hurt me.  Odds are they hurt me because they are hurting.  That's always proven to be true. Always.

At one point I saw a Man of God in him.  And while he may be running from God,  I believe that God is still with him.  It's a battle for his life. All I can do is pray he surrenders before it's too late. 

Defining Life Moments

In the past, I've always felt comfortable baring my innermost naked and vulnerable soul to the faceless,  nameless masses that stumble across my blog. Journaling or rather blogging has always been a way for me to get clear my mind as well as document my life at certain parts in my journey. Recently I've come to realize that in the past three years I've had to delete three blogs on tumblr (due to stalking). I've also come to the realization that lately I've been bottling shit up again. 

I'm no longer baring my innermost thoughts.  I love writing. I love analyzing where I've been mentally and maturity wise via my blogs.  It helps me to see how far I've come and reminds me where I no longer want to go. It helps me to stay strong, to Keep pushing for my son.

Today a good friend of mine made a post on Facebook which lead to a defining conversation regarding my son's father.  He asked his friends to define their ex in one word. Unfortunately one word wasn't enough.  I used two or more sentences explaining that my ex wasn't a bad person he just wasn't always a good one unless it benefited him. That lead to a conversation with a friend of my friends that showed me that I make excuses for my ex.

He asked me this question:  "But how often does he not want to be a man? Man= father of his child, treat his baby momma like a queen and marry her, and treats his child like gold?"

I honestly had to think back over the course of our friendship,  and our relationship, and now our nonexistent Co-parenting.  I had to really think about everything,  the good,  the bad,  the ugly,  the morally outrageous crap,  just EVERYTHING.  And it was mind boggling. He's never treated me or my son that way.  At one point I loved this man more than life itself.  I loved him so much that i forgot my morals, and lost myself.  I loved him in spite of the things he did.  It was crazy. 

This all goes to a conversation I had with my ex yesterday,  in which he insinuated that if we hung out I would have sex with him again.  I had to be blunt,  honest, and quite frankly mean.  I told him there was no point having sex or any type of relationship with him because it never leads anywhere. I told him it would be pointless and a waste of my time to even pretend that we could ever be ANYTHING. History has shown me that I'm not "IT" for him.  He's made that very clear.

I shocked him.  He was quiet for awhile. I told him I wasn't trying to be mean but I'm just keeping it real.  He's not what I'm looking for in a husband.  I'm no longer trying to be in a relationship simply for the sake of being in one. 

So today when this random person having NEVER met me,  affirms my worth not only as a woman, but as a MOTHER it made me cry. I was crying because this person reminded me that is not my fault.  That I'm worthy of love, of being loved.

I'm so invested in raising my son,  caring for my family,  and anticipating everyone else's needs that I forget my own. I forget to remind myself that I'm worthy. I'm valuable,  I'm an asset.  I'm beautiful. 

This random guy made my night.  This was an act of kindness that lead to a defining moment. 

I'M WORTHY OF LOVE.
I'M WORTHY OF BEING LOVED LIKE CHRIST LOVES HIS CHURCH.

And one day,  when God feels I'm ready,  my husband will find me and all of the pain I've gone thru,  the trials I've been faced with will all be worth it. 

God is so good. He's definitely an on time God. 

All Tuckered Out

Phew,  this week has barely started and im ready for the weekend. So this weekend my back went out and i was having these spasms up and down my right side,  so i went to urgent care. Turns out it's a pinched nerve.  Oh joy but not really. 

My dad's surgery went well. He's home recuperating and trying to boss folks around. Ez keeps trying to climb on him and hurts his wound. Smh

I heard from my ex. Nothing new there. 

In spite of all the things that have been happening i am still blessed. My son is happy and healthy.  I'm happy and healthy for the most part.  I cannot complain. 

Im walking on sunshine!

Today was really quite nice.  Got to spend some time with Mama G at her house while she patched my aunt up.  Ezra kept taking Bro. Clay outside to get oranges. Went to the waffle house,  almost cried (another story) and its now 1030pm and time to relax. 

I was right about my dad too.  He's been having some back pain and he went urgent care tonight.  Come to find out they are back spasms caused by him lifting 35+lbs even tho he's not supposed to.  So now he has to listen and let the baby walk.

On a completely different subject I have been feeling like i need to reach out to him,  in a completely platonic manner. Idk why but the past few nights I've woken up in a panic like something is wrong.  I can only pray that he doesn't do the thing he tried to do last year again.  On Monday i woke up feeling lije i had to vomit up bile. It was awful.  Bleh!

On a brighter subject,  my cousin cane over to baby sit ezra so i could relax a bit after school yesterday.  They had so much fun together.  Then ezra asked to pray for him in his prayers.  Today ezra said my other cousins name for the first time.  Just adorable.

I love being a mom.  I want another so bad but it's obviously not my timing.  I don't want to have a bazillion kids while I'm questing for my Boaz (bible reference). It seems like ever since i got pregnant my primary job has been caring for my family.  First gramps,  then ez,  then grampa and ez, now ez and my dad.  I'm good at it.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice SELF for the NEEDS of our families.  It's always worth it.  Always.