Grampa is dying

So first off let me apologize for my Debbie downer posts lately. I’m not dealing with my grampas situation well. Obviously. So here is my unicorn. It will make you smile. 

I went to see him today. He’s there but not there. His eyes have changed colors they are now milky white. His body is retaining water badly. The fluids in his lungs make this horrible rattling sound and he coughs. He opened his eyes and was squeezing my hand and I told him not to be afraid. I cried and I talked to him for three hours. I held his hand and I listened to what he wasn’t saying while he held my hand and cried. He cried. 

Ezra said his new words for his great Grampa “taco” “Shanna” booty” and “God” and then dad took him away. I stayed with my mom. I told him I would take care of her and not to worry. I told him it’s ok to stop fighting, I don’t want him to hurt. 

I’m at peace. I am still crying. My heart still aches for the pain he’s in. But I’m at peace. I’m going back tomorrow hopefully. I’m going to hold his hand and cry and talk to him until I need a break. Then I will sit outside and smoke. No ones said anything. But they know. 

Feeling Accomplished and a Little Nauseas

I got some things accomplished today that I’ve been putting off for months. There’s no time like the present, and I’d be failing at my New Years goal if I didn’t handle it now. Hopefully everything will be handled by May because we have plans this summer. Disneyland, Legoland, and maybe Maryland to see my sister. 

Grampa just has a really really bad cold. He’s lost control of his bowels. And is unable to walk currently. He’s too weak and very disoriented. The drs said he would live another 10yrs and mom said he cussed the dr out. He’s 96 about to be 97. 

I think I over worry, like I obsess about possible scenarios and get freaked out. That’s why I have anxiety. That and I refuse to stay on meds for it. I know I need them but I’ve managed w/o for awhile. I got this. I hope.

 

Ezra is still being strange. He’s not himself at all. He’s behaving oddly very clingy and moody. I ended up sleeping in the toddler bed during naptime because he was just bawling uncontrollably. (I have no idea how I fell asleep in that tiny midget bed.). Even after my dad came home he was literally attached at the hip. He’s eaten all three meals at the big boy table today. And he’s been picking up words like crazy today. I think I may dig out his flash cards and maybe go thru them with him.

 

I taught Ezra a simple goodnight prayer. “God I love you I’m Ezra amen”. It is so cute to hear him repeat after me. 

I love this kid. So much. So flipping much

Grief and Toddler Beds in 2015

Today I saw this video they posted on Mrs M's page of her showing off her new hair cut. I just started crying when I heard her voice. Like legit tears ran down my face. It's still hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna see her again. The last time I saw her she was in the hospital. Gah. I allowed myself that brief moment of grief. Because what I feel is nothing compared to my sister. 

She called me tonight. I pray for her daily. She just looks so sad and lost and vulnerable. My sister misses her Queen, because that's really what our mothers are. They are the queens of the castle and we are their little princesses. I did the thing that I do and just let her talk to me. And once we got off the phone I cried again because she's hurting and I can't fix it. 

I been knowing my sis since we were babes. We been rockin together for most of our 28 years. And it hurts me to see her like this. Just sucks. 

In other news. Ezra is in his bed tonight. And I am alone in the kali queen bed. He even stole my stuffed bear. I don't like this "Ezra is growing up and needs his independence" thing. Not one bit. 

Prolly taking him to urgent care in the am. The same issue that tried to ruin Christmas is happening again. He's been coughing so hard he's vomiting. My poor baby. 

Just keep us in your prayers

2014 End of the Year Reflection

2014 has been a tumultuous journey for me, both emotionally and spiritually. People have walked into my life only to walk out once again. I've made some awesome friends, friendships I will treasure and take with me wherever I go. I've grown as a woman and as a mother. Most importantly I've strengthened my bond with Christ. 

So many things both good and bad have happened over the course of a year. I brought in the new year alone. I turned 28(yeeeeech). My son started walking April 15th while I was at my cousins wedding!!! I felt beautiful for the first time since having my son on April 15th. My son turned one and was officially not a baby. 

My Grampa got really hard to care for and was put in a assisted living facility. My moms only living sibling moved out here. Daily I am blessed with the opportunity to solidify our bond. She has also unknowingly been a beacon of strength for me emotionally. 

I've made several friends within my church (Gethsamene Park Apostolic Church) ⬅️ {shameless plug}. Friendships with women that God has placed in my life to soften my heart. Friendships with women who have endured the things I struggle with and came out on top. I've become a little more active with our churches Youth Group. I pretend to not want to do it but secretly I enjoy being asked to participate, it's very rewarding and my son enjoys playing with the other children. 

I've become a part of a family I wasn't sure I wanted to interact with and its positive. I've created healthy interactions and relationships with my sons ️extended family on his fathers side. I appreciate them and the way they make me feel like a part of their family. 

Authors note: I really did try to recap my entire tultmous year but was unable to do so w/o crying. So this is it.