Random Observations, Forgiveness, Exes and Baseball

So tonight I went to my godsons baseball game. It was pretty fun, Ezra got to run wild with my goddaughter Mimi(Emily) and I got to hang out and watch the game. While at the game my baby mama Jenny shared some insights with me regarding, yes the ex. She seems to think that this "conversating" we've been doing is a segue into relationship territory. It really isn't. We are at our best as friends. Thats how it's always been, we kinda suck in relationships. I assured her its not even that way. I think she is just paranoid about me getting hurt again. She's my girl tho.

My godson did really good tonight and even got a home run(unsure of the correct term). They still lost by six points but it was a good game. Kids sports are so doggone competitive. Like A was bugging cuz the coach kept rotating the kids in diff positions instead of letting them stick where they excell at. I can totally see his point tho. I was kinda peeved off at a parent on the other team who kept going behind the dugout to "coach" his kid. It was highly distracting. 

My ex facetimed us today. Ezra showed him his new trucks. He even got to see his cousin Mychael, who is just the beez kneez. He's always been hella cool, plus he loves Star Wars so he's totally cool in my book. The first time I met him he watched Anime with me, Princess TuTu to be exact. He's got a daughter two months younger than Ezra. Hopefully Ezra will get to know his little cousin and form some type of bond with her like I have with my cousins. 

We went to the Waffle House with my cousin Chantelle and her son Jamarion. It was nice to get out of the house and talk to an adult lol. I love that girl. She has seriously been my rock the past few years. She's been thru so much with her moms health, and losing her last year. I just admire her. She's a single mom, working full time and attending school full time. I love her face.

I've just been in this strangely complacent mood lately. I've been calm today. I meditated and prayed last night and I think that helped a lot.  I feel like things are going to start changing for the best. I'm excited for that. I'm actually looking forward to Ezra's birthday. We are gonna do it at Chucky Cheese's because they have more games for his age range. I'm hoping this year is a success. A nonstressful success. 

Personally I'm excited for possibilities. You never know what can happen. I'm praying my sister comes to visit soon. I miss her face and I want to hug her. I'm excited for a breast reduction, I feel like that could end my constant back issues. I'm praying it does cause I dislike my back wiggin out on me every other week. 

I think the main thing is for me to stay prayerful. Prayer is key especially with me. If I skip praying my mood flip flops around and my depression flares up. Prayer is also essential to me being friends with my ex. It serves as a reminder to leave the past in the past and to forgive and LET IT GO. I told him today he's already stabbed me in the back several times but I've had to let it go and move forward. I pray constantly to keep this state of mind. Prayer is KEY.

I think thats all thats on my mind right now. I'm focusing on my son, myself, my life and as usual my family. 

Love is contagious. 

 

Every Time I go to a Disco, The people dance to the funky mix

Lately I've been kinda contemplating my life. Like I'm a mom, first and foremost that is the one thing in life I must succeed at, failure is not an option here. Secondly, I'm a daughter and a sister although sometimes I wish I wasn't because some people aggravate the crap outta me. Thirdly and lastly I'm me. I don't do enough for me. I know this, but its really not an option. By the time I'm done caring for my son, and caring for the nonappreciative assholes in my family(not all but like 2peeps) I literally have nothing left for me. Hence the blogging. 

Mother's Day is in like a week. My mom asked me what I wanted to do or what I wanted for MD. I was really thinking "I don't fucking know", but I said IDK. Like honestly what is the purpose of Mother's Day? Last years sucked major ass turds and I would really not like to repeat it. Had a crappy dinner and then rotted away at home. My ex did nada for me and we were together then. This year I'm just dreading it and I think I'm gonna miss church. I don't want some dead ass rose. Fuck off with that. My pastor annoys me with that. Every Mother's Day we get semi-alive roses and chocolate. The sentiment is appreciated but I'll pass. I think I can honestly add MD to one of the days I currently hate. 

We had a family thing on Sunday at my cousins house. The ones I don't see regularly kept asking about my ex. My uncle comes up to me and says "where is your goofy ass bf? Is he not good enough to come to family gatherings?" Like bruh, seriously? So I let it be known that we weren't together anymore and when my uncle found out he paid no CS, that he doesn't even see his son, nor contribute to raising him, he hit the roof. That whole thing was really awkward for me. I was sort of just chasing my kid around, not really talking to anyone. Next time I will just pass and go see my friend instead. 

Emotionally I'm kinda just empty. Not like the glass is half empty or half full, more like the glass had like a fourth in it and someone knocked it over onto the carpet. I just am not feeling much lately. I thought I got mad at someone yesterday, and I just looked at him and walked away. It just wasn't worth it. I think some of this can be attributed to the feeling of deja vu I've been having this week. I know once Ezra's bday passes I might start feeling a little better. I'm just tired of everything, doing it alone. I need a mental health day. Ha, my dad told me today I was acting like a bitch. I couldn't help but laugh I laughed and walked away. He makes me laugh, he's just so unhappy that he picks and picks at me. Just no, I see thru you, I love you but just no. 

I feel bad for the people I interact with daily. I really do because if this feeling continues, eventually its going to explode. I refuse to lash out on my kid, so they are going to get it. They are the source of my aggravation anyways. I am so flipping tired of always having to do the house shit. Neither of my brothers cooks, nor cleans nor contributes in any manner yet always has something to say. When I cook they critique it and don't like it, but they won't cook. I wake up and there is a sinkful of dishes, at night they disappear so they don't have to clean dishes. Thier bathroom is ABOMINABLE. You have to fight with them to take the trash out. I can't get them to mop a floor to save their miserable lives. 

Like today my brother made this snippy comment to me about the only person who can boss him around was God. I replied outloud, thats fucking hilarious. I was cracking up. He's in no way living life for God. If anything he's doing everything in his power to entice God to act against him. However thats his fuckin issue, he's not going to bring my kid down with him. 

I think in general I'm just annoyed. Gonna try and sleep this foul mood off. 

How Do You Sleep At Night?

When I ask this question, I'm not speaking on whether you sleep naked, or with a fan on. Or whether you sleep in complete darkness. When I ask "How do you sleep at night,"  I'm referring to your mental status. How do you live your life carefree without acknowledging your numerous failures as a human? How is it that you are able to rest your head without wondering if your child is going to bed hungry. WIthout wondering how his day was, or whats been going on in his life?

I asked you this question tonight, you've yet to respond although I know you've seen it. I've been struggling not to allow myself free reign conversationally with you. There is more to life than smoking weed all day. I know this firsthand. There are some days where I wish I could just blaze up and not think. Days I wish I could blaze and not be consumed by the blinding grief that strikes unexpectedly. But you walked and I assumed the role of the "responsible one". The former stoner//party girl is now Miss Responsible. Oddly enough I seem to succeeding at this role, moreso than I thought.

There is something so rewarding about making sure that both my son and I live thru the day without getting hurt. Gah! The past few days he's been a total terror, hitting me, biting me, throwing tantrums(in friggin walmart of all places), and just being I guess a toddler. I really don't care for this stage, its awful. Tonight for no apparent reason that I could find, you cried randomly. You would lay your head on the bed and then start the wailing. I have no clue whats going on in your head, but I'm assuming its due to teething or maybe growing pains. IDK

But I digress, we were talking about if your lack of knowledge, lack of involvement hinders your sleep. I honestlly don't think so. I honestly think that your only concern is yourself. I can't honestly think of anytime in the past five/six years that you've shown that you thought about anyone but yourself. Scary if you think about it. What type of person is so self consummed that they don't even care about thier offspring. Not to mention that when you refer to him you call him "your son", "your child", "well thats your child". 

Sigh, one day you will regret missing out on his life but until then "Bruh, How the hell do you sleep at night??? I hope God torments your dreams until you start being a man and handling your business, all aspects of it, not just the hoes". 

Random

I feel like it's completely illogical to be worried about my exes mental health.  Even knowing what i know,  I'm very worried. "/

Im going to pray for him.  Is really all i can do.

Samuel Roberts

Today I miss my grampa.

It came on rather suddenly.  We were leaving the park and ran into an old friend of mine who expressed her condolences to me.  She knew how much he meant to me,  to my family. And it hit me that he's been gone three months now. And i would give anything if i could just rewind time so i could hug him one more time.

Just one more time.

There really isn't a time frame with grief. I really thought it would be easier by now to think of him without crying.  To see a picture of him and not get teary eyed. I still have videos of him and ezra together. 

He lived a long life. 

But sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. 

Seasons Change

Despite how I'm feeling physically I'm still blessed.  My back is still acting up.  My body has been spasming all day and my right side is still numb and tingling.  It's highly aggravating, but I haven't let onto my folks the seriousness.  I'm pretty sure my mom is onto me but not my dad.  Bleh!

Ezra is kinda amazing.  He's picking up words left and right. He's been moving all my kitchen chairs into rows.  I got him some new books which he's been reading to his Doc McStuffins baby. He's been super helpful with my dad.  He's the best nurse next to me. And he's finally picking up his toys by himself!!!! That's a major accomplishment.  I love my son.

Today I was tempted to thank his bio dad for the gift of my son. If we had've never been in a relationship,  I wouldn't have Ezra. Even tho sometimes Ezra tests me with his stubbornness, he's still everything to me.  I know that one day when his bio dad gets his together n they start working on having a relationship he will understand why I pray for him.

Is that strange that I pray for him daily?  I know that God can open his eyes and heal him.  Even if he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him,  or acknowledge his pain God knows. And God can surely can heal him and turn his life around. 

My friends don't get why I can't hate him.  Yes, he's broken my heart,  and done things he shouldn't have but he's the father of my child, and my first love.  I will always have a special spot in my heart for him.  I will always want him to do well and be well. I had to let go of all the anger and resentment.  It's not healthy.

Plus I was always taught to pray for those who've hurt me.  Odds are they hurt me because they are hurting.  That's always proven to be true. Always.

At one point I saw a Man of God in him.  And while he may be running from God,  I believe that God is still with him.  It's a battle for his life. All I can do is pray he surrenders before it's too late. 

Defining Life Moments

In the past, I've always felt comfortable baring my innermost naked and vulnerable soul to the faceless,  nameless masses that stumble across my blog. Journaling or rather blogging has always been a way for me to get clear my mind as well as document my life at certain parts in my journey. Recently I've come to realize that in the past three years I've had to delete three blogs on tumblr (due to stalking). I've also come to the realization that lately I've been bottling shit up again. 

I'm no longer baring my innermost thoughts.  I love writing. I love analyzing where I've been mentally and maturity wise via my blogs.  It helps me to see how far I've come and reminds me where I no longer want to go. It helps me to stay strong, to Keep pushing for my son.

Today a good friend of mine made a post on Facebook which lead to a defining conversation regarding my son's father.  He asked his friends to define their ex in one word. Unfortunately one word wasn't enough.  I used two or more sentences explaining that my ex wasn't a bad person he just wasn't always a good one unless it benefited him. That lead to a conversation with a friend of my friends that showed me that I make excuses for my ex.

He asked me this question:  "But how often does he not want to be a man? Man= father of his child, treat his baby momma like a queen and marry her, and treats his child like gold?"

I honestly had to think back over the course of our friendship,  and our relationship, and now our nonexistent Co-parenting.  I had to really think about everything,  the good,  the bad,  the ugly,  the morally outrageous crap,  just EVERYTHING.  And it was mind boggling. He's never treated me or my son that way.  At one point I loved this man more than life itself.  I loved him so much that i forgot my morals, and lost myself.  I loved him in spite of the things he did.  It was crazy. 

This all goes to a conversation I had with my ex yesterday,  in which he insinuated that if we hung out I would have sex with him again.  I had to be blunt,  honest, and quite frankly mean.  I told him there was no point having sex or any type of relationship with him because it never leads anywhere. I told him it would be pointless and a waste of my time to even pretend that we could ever be ANYTHING. History has shown me that I'm not "IT" for him.  He's made that very clear.

I shocked him.  He was quiet for awhile. I told him I wasn't trying to be mean but I'm just keeping it real.  He's not what I'm looking for in a husband.  I'm no longer trying to be in a relationship simply for the sake of being in one. 

So today when this random person having NEVER met me,  affirms my worth not only as a woman, but as a MOTHER it made me cry. I was crying because this person reminded me that is not my fault.  That I'm worthy of love, of being loved.

I'm so invested in raising my son,  caring for my family,  and anticipating everyone else's needs that I forget my own. I forget to remind myself that I'm worthy. I'm valuable,  I'm an asset.  I'm beautiful. 

This random guy made my night.  This was an act of kindness that lead to a defining moment. 

I'M WORTHY OF LOVE.
I'M WORTHY OF BEING LOVED LIKE CHRIST LOVES HIS CHURCH.

And one day,  when God feels I'm ready,  my husband will find me and all of the pain I've gone thru,  the trials I've been faced with will all be worth it. 

God is so good. He's definitely an on time God. 

All Tuckered Out

Phew,  this week has barely started and im ready for the weekend. So this weekend my back went out and i was having these spasms up and down my right side,  so i went to urgent care. Turns out it's a pinched nerve.  Oh joy but not really. 

My dad's surgery went well. He's home recuperating and trying to boss folks around. Ez keeps trying to climb on him and hurts his wound. Smh

I heard from my ex. Nothing new there. 

In spite of all the things that have been happening i am still blessed. My son is happy and healthy.  I'm happy and healthy for the most part.  I cannot complain. 

Im walking on sunshine!

Today was really quite nice.  Got to spend some time with Mama G at her house while she patched my aunt up.  Ezra kept taking Bro. Clay outside to get oranges. Went to the waffle house,  almost cried (another story) and its now 1030pm and time to relax. 

I was right about my dad too.  He's been having some back pain and he went urgent care tonight.  Come to find out they are back spasms caused by him lifting 35+lbs even tho he's not supposed to.  So now he has to listen and let the baby walk.

On a completely different subject I have been feeling like i need to reach out to him,  in a completely platonic manner. Idk why but the past few nights I've woken up in a panic like something is wrong.  I can only pray that he doesn't do the thing he tried to do last year again.  On Monday i woke up feeling lije i had to vomit up bile. It was awful.  Bleh!

On a brighter subject,  my cousin cane over to baby sit ezra so i could relax a bit after school yesterday.  They had so much fun together.  Then ezra asked to pray for him in his prayers.  Today ezra said my other cousins name for the first time.  Just adorable.

I love being a mom.  I want another so bad but it's obviously not my timing.  I don't want to have a bazillion kids while I'm questing for my Boaz (bible reference). It seems like ever since i got pregnant my primary job has been caring for my family.  First gramps,  then ez,  then grampa and ez, now ez and my dad.  I'm good at it.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice SELF for the NEEDS of our families.  It's always worth it.  Always. 

The Journey to Self

One thing about this natural hair journey is that it calls you to be more comfortable in your own son no matter what outside influences say i love what society calls "too black". This puffy poofy curly crown i wear is simply the essence of who i am.  A proud black woman. Love who you are because no one else will.

Seriously, the Devil is a LIE

Today was a challenging day for me.  I decided to go ahead and go to Ezra's great gramma house like i had planned.  Got there and guess who showed up.  Yeah,  him. He didn't say shit to me,  or to the baby. And that's fine by me.   Somebody must've been praying for me today, cause Lord knows i wanted to cuss his ass the hell out, but that is counter productive and ratchet. 

Ezra got to play with his big brother who he hasn't seen since last June. He tried to play with his cousin Addy but she wasn't having it lol. Sr did a lot in helping me stay calm. I really wanted to snatch my child up and LEAVE. I stayed tho and I'm proud of myself for not letting him visibly affect me. I got this. 

I think his family could tell i was just not feeling it. His cousin M's wife R wanted me to take a pic with the family.  I told her i couldn't do that, i was going to let him have his moment of fakeness. She laughed and said she could tell i was having a hard time and she didn't Blame me. I think they were shocked i didnt behave badly. I like shocking people.

We came home to family, food and movies. My dad got ez another car and he was excited to put it in a line. We watched Malificant which was surprisingly really good. Even my dad sat and watched it in between taking the baby to the potty.  Had cake and ice cream for my mom's birthday. It was nice.

All in all today was blessed. I can't complain.  God is good all the time.  This ordeal today was just a test.  I think i did alright. 

Hope everyone had a lovely Easter

Toodles

Just no.

After the great baby sitting fiasco which has me vowing to not watch anyone's kids ever, I had hoped today would be relatively chill.  Ran some errands with my dad,  got to see my cousins before they moved to Hawaii, and then i find out the fuel lines in my truck are leaking.  So I'm officially just over it. 

I was supposed to go to my exes grandmother's house tomorrow so they could see the baby, but i refuse to go if I'm not driving.  The one time I do that will be the time he pops up and since i no longer take anxiety meds i can't be in that situation.  I've already decided I'm not braving the "Fake Saints" holiday.  I dislike crowds,  i can't have people so close they are breathing on me.  It freaks me out and i always end up spazzing, and leaving anyways.  Ugh

Then I'm extra stressed about my dad surgery.  He's not taking this shit seriously.  His dr said to STOP LIFTING THE BABY. He ain't hearing that tho,  he stay lifting this 35+ child.  Like bruh chill.  Please. Grrr

In the plus side I did finally finish my article! ! Bang bang,  shots fired lol lol. I think imma need a deadline or something cause left to my own devices in get stuck. He liked it tho so that's all that matters. I need to start thinking about my next thing.  I call them things.  I emailed him like bruh i wrote a thing.  Lol lol. 

I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed.  Really overwhelmed.  I dislike this feeling immensely.  I'm avoiding music cause I'm not trying to fall into the pit.  Not today Satan,  not today.  Have me feeling like I'm dying,  no siree, no the one. 

Here's to hoping tomorrow is way better than today.  Less stress filled,  less anxiety, more happy.  Here's to hoping i actually SLEEP tonight lol

Wish me luck