The stuff

Facetimed with the ex today. 
I upset him n now he's being a pouty baby.
Things change.
Relationships change.
benefits change.
I refuse to allow myself to open up.
Refuse to allow myself to care.

Substantial or nah

This has been a family weekend.  Feeling pretty good about things. I'm not allowing people to dictate my moods. 

Life is swell.  God is good.  I'm blessed. And today,  I'm not worried about the future. God will provide the things and people I need in my life. 

Frustrated Post is ranty and angry

So lately I've been feeling some kinda way.  Just a little frustrated.  Nothing is going the way I want it to.  Things are way tense at home.  I have this niggling feeling some mess is about to go down,  my feelings are NEVER wrong.  I applied for this job but apparently I'm "over qualified" for it.  And I am beyond over being single.  Oh and the question was posed to me the other day, whether it was possible to be "best friends" with my ex.  By him.  He asked me that. 

Life frustrates me.  I know that there is a reason why my life is utterly fucked up.  I know this but even doing the work to change shit isn't working.  WTF should I, could I be doing differently???

Shits just unfair.  I'm always exhausted.  I'm lonely. I have my dad talking mad crap to me constantly,  reminding me just how messed up my life is.  Calling me fat,  always making me feel like I'm less than human.  Then he offers me bs apologies which really aren't apologies,  more so an  acknowledgement of his actions. 

I have my ex,  who I'm perfectly fine being friends with but he pisses me off because not once has he offered to buy diapers,  see the child,  or do anything to help me with him.  I don't know why I expect anything different.  I just always want to believe the best in people.  I told him today it must be nice to lead the single responsibility free life.  No duty or obligations to anyone.  Spending all your money on what you want.  I wish!!!

I just want to put people in a line and tell them to go fuck themselves.  But I don't.  I hold it all inside and feel like shit.  I wake up with migraines.  The kind where my eye twitches all day,  and the vein above my eye throbs and pulses.  My body always hurts.  And even when I fix myself up,  do my hair,  put on a little mascara there is no one to appreciate my efforts. 

I'm tired of being taken for granted.  I want to tell people I won't always be here every time you screw me over.  I'm not going to always welcome you back into my circle.  Family or not sometimes enough is enough. 

I've been avoiding blogging the past week because I knew it was going to be a frustrated,  angry,  overly emotional ranty dialogue. But maybe,  just maybe I won't cry myself to sleep tonight.  Maybe just maybe I won't be craving cigarettes still.  Maybe just maybe something positive and happy will Happen tomorrow. Something to cause me to smile.

I want to fucking smile so hard my face hurts.  I want to be hugged so hard that my bones pop. I want to fucking matter to someone.  Can I be fucking important and relevant to anyone?  I just want to matter.  To feel loved and not like a disposable clorox wipe.  This is me waiting. 

Universe,  if your listening when is my happy positive change coming???? When am I going to be loved???? I'm ready. 

Can I catch a fucking break already???

Rules for Being in My Life

Rules of thumb
1. Don't help people if you intend to hold it over their heads or make them feel like shit about it.
2. If your unhappy with your own life,  don't you dare take it out on others.  That's the quickest way to lose friends and family.
3. Keep your toxicity to yourself.  I don't want it.

Sometimes toxic unhappy people want to bring everyone down. Why, simply because they are unhappy with themselves.  I know I'm in a tough spot in my life and i don't need you rubbing my face in it. 

I am seriously tired of being made to feel like shit by the very ones who are supposed to be my safety net.  Fuck off with that. 

However,  i refuse to allow this person to fuck up my mood.  Especially since he's going to regret what he said tomorrow.  But it's whatever. 

People are so temporary these days, even family ain't permanent. 

A Mother's Love

Today wasn't what I expected.  My son woke up at five am,  has been a hot mess all day.  Crabby and unhappy crying if I was out of sight.  But he just wanted me. His mommy.

He hugged me and kissed me all day. He gave me a beautiful necklace and a cute card.  I got a new purse,  but none of that matters. 

He told me love mama.

I love this child.  When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified.  I knew I would be parenting alone.  I was afraid I would screw it up.  I was afraid he wouldn't like me.

And he doesn't just like me, he LOVES me.

I am his sun,  what his life revolves around.  He lives for my smile,  my hugs,  my bobos (lol).

Being a mother is such an honor. God trusted me enough to give me another life to nurture. So even though as a mom I sometimes feel grossly inadequate,  God knows I am a good mom.

Today was a really good day.  I spent it with the person I love the most. My twin,  my heart,  my baby boy.  It's true what they say,  you never know love until you have a child.  It is an unconditional,  faithful,  unfailing love. 

I pray that I continue to be a mother he can be proud of,  a mother he can trust. 

I love this life God has given me.

Happy Mother's Day

Pet Peeve

K so mothers day is this weekend and I'm overt it really but it seriously aggravates me when women complain and they have partners/husbands. At least someone will be acknowledging your momming efforts. I'm going to be stuck in virtual hell most of the afternoon. Gah

Jealousy is a sin. I seriously need to repent

Peace n Quiet

There is really something so calming about watching my son sleep.  His facial expressions are so calm and still.  His little sighs,  and his snores are even cute.  This is one of the best parts of moming.

Now i have a quiet moment to myself to just decompress.  No toys to trip over,  years to wipe,  just the soft snoring of my baby and my fan whirring.  My house is never quiet,  even now i can hear my dad and brothers stomping around. I miss quiet.

I'm hoping that within the next year, hopefully by the end of 2016, I will have enough saved up to move out and live comfortably.  I miss having my own space.  Being able to relax without someone harassing me.  Not having to clean up after grown ass people.  Miss miss it!

My parents are doing a good thing helping me get on my feet.  I needed this time but I'm ready now.  I really am. Plus they deserve to have some quiet in their home.  God knows Ezra is extra loud.  Plus it might be nice to parent without having someone undermine me. 

Hmmmm just stuff to think about while i wait for my comforter to dry.

A Blessing Delayed is Not a Blessing Denied

  

For whatever reason I always write to music, bear with me as I'm using a different  keyboard tonight. I'm really not feeling it, the space bar is retarded. Tonight for right now I'm listening to Tony! Toni! Tone'!  "the Greatest Hits". As a child I was exposed to gospel and oldies. I got my current music fix at school or at my sisters house. I really do prefer the older music, it had meaning. If it was about sex, it was tasteful, not overly obvious. So lets see where this cd takes us hmm?

So this weekend has been fun filled. Went to my cousins birthday party yesterday and had a really good talk with an old friend. She never cared for my ex and it kinda drove a wedge between us, but thats in the past. It was fun, Ezra had fun and played a lot of games. Relaxed at home with my mom afterwards cause I wasn't feel100%. I'm feeling better today but still extremely nauseas.

Church today was good. I hardly ever connect during the sermon cause I'm  trying to tame my child, but  today I got to listen. My child was on a whole different level today at church. I'm so over this asshole stage he's in. I tried to talk to his dad about it but thats sensitive issue so it didn't go well. I need to learn to use tact especially when speaking to him. He's sensitive now about things. 

On the ex, we don't really speak on the weekends. I'm not really sure why but its whatever. I decided that I'm not going to bring up him seeing Ezra unless he brings it up. I've already tried to initiate a play date twice and he didn't go for it, so the ball is in his court. I'm aware that at some point I will have to initiate a conversation with him about him supporting Ezra financially but I know that won't go well  so I'm waiting. I've just about made up my mind to invite him to the birthday party. Even if he's been absent more often than present, I have to give him a shot. He'll probably blow it, or show up and be a jerk to people but he's not coming for them. bleh

That whole situation is kinda shit. Even when its "good" its still shit. I firmly believe God can turn that around tho. Speak it into exsistence and it shall be. I have faith that at some point he's going to grow up and be ready to be a father. {I've actually switched musical  genres at this point and am grooving to The Clark Sisters "there is a balm in Gilead"}

Since  we've been speaking again, I've tried to be sensitive and not abrasive as I usually am. I know he's going thru some stuff and I'm not trying to be difficult or come with drama. I think I owe it to myself to be above it. I think at this point I'm moreso concerned with his ability to parent. I want Ezra to know his brother. I want them to have some type of relationship even tho they don't live together. 

I'm going to stay encouraged. God is so good to me and Lord knows I don't deserve it. I can be an aweful person and a shrew but God loves the shit out of me anyhow. I need to keep reminding myself that although I've made some mistakes, I AM NOT A MISTAKE. I am a blessing whether or not I see it. God will restore my family. He will restore my sons father. I know this. I trust this. 

Also I need to learn how to socialize again. That could be useful. I think after I finish my project for my cousin//boss I'm going to go pray. I've been doing that a lot. After I blog or write I pray. I have to continue to thank God even tho I'm not where I want to be, even if I don't know where that is.

Love you all  hope everyone is beyond blessed