I'm not good with stress, anxiety, or emotions. I'd rather experience anger over grief or sadness. I'd rather feel detached than love or any type of emotion. I'd rather just not feel things. Feeling things means I have to be emotionally present. I'd just rather not unless it comes to my son.
Having experienced love, or what I thought was love, I'm just not down for it. Having experienced heartache, loss, broken heart syndrome I know that I can't deal with it. Is it worth it to pour your entire being into something/someone else only to have it fall apart? I mean there is always something to learn out of every experience. But at the cost of losing myself, my self worth, my dignity is it really worth it?
I'm noticing that I'm back to what I was a few years ago, the facade. I'm personable, friendly even but I don't divulge my true self. I keep parts of myself closed off from everyone including my family. I don't talk to anyone including my "friends", and I use this term loosely. Because everyone is only in it for what you can do for them. Not for the experience of actually knowing someone inside and out. Not for the chance to really understand what makes people tick. They are just there.
Let me reassure you I've not been disillusioned against anything, I'm just rather nonchalant about it. I don't care because caring leads to disappointment. I don't care to be disappointed in people any longer. Life's too short for all that.
I've had the " work best friends" who promise to never lose touch but you end up never talking to them again. I've had the cousins who used to be extra tight but then you suddenly grow apart and never speak again. I've had people promise to never leave me, the I'll love you forever ones just flip a switch and take off. Those relationships will never be the same again.
I think on some level I mourn the loss of what was, what could have been. But the dynamic changes, it mutates and never is the same again. People are transient, here one minute gone the next. I suppose that's life right? Or that's what we tell ourselves when people walk out of our lives with no regards to our feelings.
In spite of this, on some level I do want to experience love again. Not now but someday. But we'll see. My walls are so high up is gonna take a bulldozer to break them down. A metaphorical bulldozer, not a real one.
I know people worry about me because of how I am. But there isn't anything I can, nor will do about it. I'm safe here. No one can hurt me here. No one can get in here because they don't have the key. They don't know how I'm feeling or what goes thru my head. That's just how it has to be.
Because NWTS again.
