Uncomfortable Spaces Pt. 2

Once again I'm find myself in that space. This time because I lack understanding. I don't understand why they say they love me. I can understand the love they have for my son, because he is super freaking amazing. But I don't get why they love me. I avoid calling because every time I do, they thank me repeatedly for allowing them to be a part of our lives. They thank me for doing the right thing and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel like they should have to thank me for being a mature adult.

I was raised on family and family is what I'm raising my son on. No matter how much it has hurt me in the past. I told his gramma that his dad is trying and that I'm encouraging that. No matter how I feel about his decision, or the things he's done, he does love my son. Our son. To some degree I think he loves me. I mean he says he does, but that could be just noise. Only time will tell.

I told him the other day that even when he was fucking up, I was still holding him down. One thing I learned from my girl Shay is that you NEVER dog out the father of your child. Why, because it is a reflection of you. I chose him, so if I call him a bum ass, then that makes me a bum ass too.

In reality he's not a bad guy, he just didn't have a good family situation growing up. As a result he had no good father figures, no good mother figures, he basically raised himself. I always tell him to that my family ain't perfect but we stick by each other no matter what. That's all a family is.

I think that's what really makes me uncomfortable. The possibility that I actually love his family. I love his flaky mom and brother, they mean well and they are so fun to be around. I love his dad and his aunts because they are always so good to us. But mostly I love his gramma because she always reminds me that aside from all the bad decisions he's made, he really does love us.

His gramma and his cousin Myc have always been super nice to me. I never understood why but I guess I need to stop wondering. Sometimes people are just real and genuine. His cousin in the five or so years I've known him has always been consistent  in his behavior with me. He's always been super cool, to be honest I'm glad he sticks to KB like glue. He needs that type of consistency in life. His gramma is just real as hell. She told me yesterday that she would be upset if anyone hurt me or that baby including him. I asked her why, and she said because she loves me and him and that we are family.

She's nicer to me than my own gramma is seriously.

I don't know, but I think I'm growing out of this uncomfortable space and I'm So Glad About It.

Has God delivered you from your White Privilege today?

Its been a long time since I've done an in-depth update/rant/whatever. I've been busy with SCHOOL. Yes people, I've gone off and became a college student. I'm now attending Grand Canyon University online. I have been super focused on completing my assignments and getting good grades so I've really let blogging slide to the side. I haven't really told that many people outside of my home. Its like my little secret! I'm loving it, I love learning and I'm excited for my course of study.

Now onto the rant portion.

I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF MY WHITE FRIENDS SAYING THAT THEY ARE "SO OVER SEEING #BLACKLIVESMATTER IN THE NEWS".

OMFG like really? Please ask God to save you from your white privilege. Either he saves you or I'm going to continue to obliterate people.

 One girl said that "White lives matter too, why isn't anyone complaining about the boy the cops killed." I had to go in depth with her. I didn't want to because her and her husband are really good friends  of mine but DAMN. Like how are you my friend but your so damn blind? Is that a reflection of me??

Firstly, REVERSE RACISM ISN'T A THING. If you are lacking melatonin you cannot claim someone is racist against you! Racism is trying to justify your race as being above another, its the systematic oppression of a race of people for more than 250 years. So please, tell me how I'm a racist for calling you out on your White privilege. Perhaps you mean BIGOTRY?  BIGOTRY is having an intolerance towards those who hold different opinions from yourself. BIGOTRY is a major issue these days. Maybe we should all invest in dictionary apps before we start throwing these complicated words around.

It just frustrates me that my white "friends" don't see that by proclaiming #BLACKLIVESMATTER we aren't attacking their whiteness, we aren't attacking their lack of melatonin. We are just asking to be treated as well as they treat their damn pets. Like for instance that lion was killed by an American dentist a week or two ago. OMFG, the dentist is in hiding, there is uproar! "omg someone killed a lion, lets hang him, lets tar and feather him" but can I get a little of that indignation when a black person is killed? Hell people(melatonin lacking individuals) are more butt hurt when someone leaves a dog in a car WITH the windows down, than when a cop unjustly murders a black person.

 I'm serious. People go to jail for animal abuse, but cops who murder black people are still walking the streets, with pay, with jobs. Anytime there is a black person murdered by the cops, the media IMMEDIATELY JUSTIFIES THE COPS ACTIONS. "Well, ah she was an angry black woman, she must have committed suicide after consuming large amounts of marijuana", "oh well, he was wearing a hoodie so he was probably a gangster", "oh well he had a TOY BB GUN so the cop probably saved us all".

Like how do you sleep at night, JUSTIFYING THE MURDERS OF INNOCENT AFRICAN AMERICANS???? Hell, forget them being black, HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT JUSTIFYING THE MURDER OF ANYONE?? Like this shit gets me so heated. Everyday for the past few years, POC have been BOMBARDED with images of people that look like us being murdered by police. Do you have any idea how damaging this is? When I drive and see cops, my anxiety level raises. I panic. A routine traffic stop can turn into a hashtag and a rally real quick these days. Yet melatonin challenged people want to say that systematic racism is no longer an issue in the good ole' USA.

See I've went off track AGAIN, that's my issue. I'm very passionate about this. Not because I'm BLACK but because the lives of PETS are more important, more treasured than the lives of a group of people. My "friend" had me so heated that day, she countered me with the old "well black people kill black people all the time". It was mind boggling that she doesn't seem to understand that #BLACKLIVESMATTER isn't about gang warfare, its about MY LIFE HAVING VALUE. I need to know that if I'm murdered by a cop, JUSTICE will be served. I need to know that my murder won't be JUSTIFIED as "angry black woman" syndrome. I need to know that my life matters.

The fact that people are even trying to argue with #BLACKLIVESMATTER is telling of their views on their black friends. If you come at me with "all lives matter" this is what I'm saying to you, "WE KNOW YOUR LIFE MATTERS BUT SOCIETY VIEWS BLACK LIVES, MY LIFE AS HAVING LESSOR VALUE, AND BEFORE YOU SAY THAT'S NOT THE CASE PLEASE LOOK AT THE NEWS, LOOK AT THE STATISTICS OF BLACK MURDERS DUE TO COPS, LOOK AT THE LACK OF JUSTICE THAT HAS BEEN SERVED, LOOK AT THE LACK OF INDIGNATION, LOOK AT HOW YOU JUSTIFY OUR MURDERS. WHY DO YOU GET SO DAMN OFFENDED WHEN WE SAY #BLACKLIVESMATTER WHY ARE YOU SO PROUD OF YOUR BIGOTRY? LIKE WHY? I'VE NEVER MET A GROUP OF PEOPLE SO UNWILLING TO ACCEPT THIER HISTORY OF HATRED. ACCEPT IT. HIDING UNDER A CLOAK OF AMBIVALENCE ISN'T HELPING MATTERS. #BLACKLIVESMATTER ISN'T TAKING AWAY FROM THE VALUE YOUR LIFE HAS, ITS ACKNOWLEDGING THE VALUE OF OUR LIVES."

I could go on and on and on about this, but at the end of the day if we  have to have this conversation, we probably don't need to be friends. I can't continue to argue over the value of my life, with people who don't care.

Oh how we love our ideas of people

Aren't we as Christians supposed to draw people closer to God by being transparent. By praying for others. And basically by showing others our spirits? 

How are we going to draw anyone closer to God, if we are stuck in bitterness and  childish behavior? 

I can understand being disappointed because someone sins.  But you still have to love that person. Their sin is IRRELEVANT  because you are COMMANDED to love them and to pray for them. Trying to punish them for their sin will only result in pushing them further away from God.

I'm not a perfect Christian,  none of us are,  but in my daily interactions ESPECIALLY  with my unsaved family members,  I  strive to show them  I love them.  Not because God commanded it,  but because I  genuinely love them. 

Family shouldn't pit  family against each other.  PARENTS SHOULDN'T PIT SIBLINGS AGAINST EACH OTHER.  What's the purpose in this? ? There isn't any.  It just breaks up your family. 

Sometimes you just have to pray for folks. That's all i can do right now is pray. God will handle things when it's time.