Four Days

In four days it will have been a year since I  lost my grandpa.  It's hard to believe that almost a year has passed since I've seen his face.  Or held his wrinkly hand. A year since I've heard his voice.  A really long year. 

My Facebook reminders keep popping up pictures of him.  Pictures of him with Ezra.  Pictures of him with me. Statuses reflecting how I  was feeling the days prior to his death.  Statuses that barely encompass the amount of emotional pain I  was in.  It just brings it all back.  The good,  the bad and the painful. 

Ezra still asks for him.  We still pray for him at night.  But one day,  he'll stop asking.  One day he's going to forget his GG.  But I will do my best to keep his memory alive in him. 

I miss him more than I ever thought possible.  More than I  expected to. I never expected to still  feel this hole in my heart a year later. 

I'm grateful for the time I  had with him.  I'm grateful for the gift he left me in my mother. 

The first year is always the hardest.  But we made it.

Always in my heart Senior Goat

2015 Reflection

First off, I  want to start by saying Happy New Years.  I hope everyone brought it in with the ones that truly matter.  I myself spent New Years Eve with my cousins and our kids, having family time.  Today we hung out with my in-laws just spending time. 

I've struggled with this post because although the past four years have been very hard for me,  2015 has been the hardest.  At the beginning of the year I  lost my grandfather.  I still miss him to this day.  I really don't know what else to say but he's always on my mind. 

I think thru it all,  it's important to just remember how blessed I  am. Yeah some really fucked up shit happened but thru it all God kept me.  My son is healthy and flourishing. God blessed my family with a brand new home.  My parents celebrated 33 years of marriage this Christmas Eve. 

I walked out of 2015 knowing that I've made some changes that are going to benefit my son and I in the long run.  God is blessing me in my classes. The bond I have with my in-laws is stronger than ever.  My bro in love Myc has proven to be a rock in the past few weeks.

I reconnected with my soul sister.  Her spirit sings to mine.  I'm blessed to have her back in my life. The bond I share with my cousins is stronger than ever. And my sister is moving home after too many years away.  I'm solid.

I won't lie and say that I'm not feeling a certain type of way.  But when folks show you who they are,  I  have to learn to believe them.

Next Monday classes begin again and my focus is steadfast. Nothing is going to stand in the way. 

It's page one of a new book,  I'm going to make it a good one.