Family Week 👩‍👦

Today has been an extremely emotional day. I have no pithy sarcasm to share. I have no rants. I am spent emotionally. You never know the emotional burdens your children bear until they have their first family unit at school. It certainly explains a lot. Today more than ever I am grateful to my family and my friends because when I didn't know how to respond you let me know that it was okay to not know. What's important is that I allow Ezra to express all of his emotions and I let him know that they are valid and most importantly that I love him more than life itself. He is loved. He is wanted. And he is an important member of this family. 

My heart aches for my son and the burden he's carrying. 

Final Thoughts: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

I told Ezra tonight that I knew he was mine before I knew his name. Love is simple. It just is. He is my child. I would give anything to heal the hurt in his heart. Love just is or it isn't there is no in between. 

Blackness in Academic Spaces: A Rant

It's so damn hard being Black in academic spaces. Having to hold your tongue all the time when your classmates and teachers say bogus stereotypical shit about minorities and low income students because you know if you say anything they might fuck with your grade??? 

🗣🗣🗣 SHITS ANNOYING AF 

The past few months of classes have been so goddamn annoying. People(🙄 code word) have been emboldened to just be open about their dislike(hatred) towards(of) minorities and low income students and it's DISGUSTING. Why do you go into education if you don't have the capacity to teach ALL students and dismiss any prior misconceptions you might have towards their race? WHY????? 

Wait, I know because your a idiot. That's why. In the past two weeks I've had it out with both my instructor for allowing a student to project racist stereotypes onto students(cus that shit isn't cool at all) and tonight that SAME DAMN STUDENT opened her mouth AGAIN with the same nonsense. Except this time she specifically addressed me! Who do they think I am? It's legit a serious question because while I enjoy my GPA staying in the lofty ranges of the 3.7-3.9, I don't mind collecting a few folks the last week of class. 

I've never been one to stand by and allow people to be dismissive and generate stereotypes especially when it comes to molding young minds. The fact that it's perpetrated by an instructor who refuses to say/do anything until I call her out(and even then she always agrees with the chicks stereotype), well that just says that she's a bad role model for budding teachers. They both need to do better and come correct next time. 🗣🗣🗣🗣 It's highly irritating when people pen condescending responses to me BUT DON'T SPELL CHECK!

 Rule of thumb if your going to be a rude heffalumpagus, SPELL CHECK YOUR SHIT! 

At the end of the day, I just remember I'm not doing this for that heffa. I'm doing this so that kids who look like me can see someone who looks like them in the classroom. Representation fucking matters. I had Black teachers and they were the best fucking teachers ever. There's no better feeling in the world 🌎 than knowing that your teachers understand your culture, they know how to speak with your parents and they won't automatically label you as aggressive or "fast". We don't need the great white hope in low income schools, we need more minority teachers who can RELATE to what the students are going through. 

But, just know that my instructor will probably be taking an imaginary five points off this weeks assignment for collecting my classmate. 🙄 she did it last week AFTER I reported her to my advisor too. I have one more week so I should probably try to stay out of trouble.. 🗣 NAH! 

Final thoughts: I cannot wait to go on vacation cus these heffalumpaguses are working my nerves!!! 

Random quote: Winter ❄️ Is Coming- every damn character on Game of Thrones 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Title? There is No Title!

There's really nothing more pure than the love of a child. Sometimes I wonder what I've done in life I deserve this awesome kid, but never get any answers. I honestly don't know if I really want them. God sent him to me when I truly needed someone to pour love into and that's what I've done every single day since I found out I was pregnant. 

I spent today researching books on the different kinds of families because this week is family week at Ezra's school and I've been asked to come in and read to them again. I'm bringing in the visual family tree I made him for his birthday(at his teachers request) and we are going to talk about families. I found an amazing book called "The Family Tree" by Todd Parr, that follows the theme and I'm hoping they like it and I don't cry. 

Lately I'm a big crier and it's just so fuckin annoying. My friend T, says that it's healthy to just detox all of those tears and emotions rather than letting them build up, BUT I have things to do! I was looking at all these books and missing my kid today and being a weepy ass. Logically, I know that when I'm nearing a 8/9 on the pain scale I'm a big baby and the smallest thing can set me off. You could tell me the chicken was too salty and I might cry 😭. But lately I've been overwhelmed with unprocessed shit that apparently I need to process{isn't growth a goddamn blessing!}. 

I'd rather process some homework 😒 I can deal with homework. Academia, no problem but emotions nah! Throw it away! But it's different when it comes to the kid, he's special and I allow myself to feel for him because he's my kid. 

Tonight before he went to bed he gave me a kiss, rubbed it in and told me he missed me so much today. Who is this kid? Is he mine? He's so sweet and kind and compassionate like he's a whole ideal human. He makes my heart warm and fuzzy until he starts working my nerves with the sarcastic comments that remind me he's definitely my child. I'm happy I'm his mom. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm sure happy he loves me as much as I love his little behind. 

Final Thoughts: Childhood is strange but I hope Ezra will grow up having more good memories than bad memories. I want him to grow up knowing he's loved and feeling safe. 

Also dating is weird af for single moms. Dudes be on a whole different level. The end. 🗣🗣🗣 

🗣 This Can't Be Life

Once upon a time I woke up and experienced a day with no back pain. Sadly, I cannot remember ever experiencing this day because it has never happened without having a needle jabbed into my back. I haven't slept in days because when I lay down pain shoots up my spine no matter whether I lay flat or on my sides.

 🗣🗣🗣 This shit is for the birds. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

It's to the point that when my son hugs me, I flinch because it freaking hurts. Chronic pain fucking sucks. It never goes away. It's just there. I could call my dr and tell them it's happening again but it won't accomplish anything. There isn't anything they can do other than jab needles into my back every few months and call it a temporary solution. I'll just take my maintenance meds and pray it dulls this pain. 

Granted after the last procedure I'm hesitant to let them jab me again but I just want to not hurt for 24hrs. I want to be able to walk upright without trying to adjust my spine or pop my back in an attempt to alleviate the pain. I want to be able to lay down in my bed and sleep without waking up every hour to toss and turn because my back is on fire. I want to be able to sit at my computer and focus on my homework for 45mins straight without having to continually shift because the chair touching my back hurts. 

There is nowhere I can hide from this, I can't buy a new back. I've just got to continue to deal with the cards I've been dealt. Perhaps I should buy stock in a heating of company? I tend to buy a lot of them 🤷🏽‍♀️

However right now, I just want to sleep because I'm exhausted. Maybe tonight God can quiet both my mind and the pain in my body so I can get a few hours of sleep. I hate being a grumpy mom during drop off. He senses when I don't feel good and he never wants to leave me when I hurt. He's such a sweet boy, maybe I'll make him brownies tomorrow. 

In spite of what I'm feeling physically, I am happy that I saw my cousins tonight. It is always a good time when I see loved ones. It's something about being around people who enjoy your company that helps you to forget how your feeling. So thank God for that. 

Final thoughts: 

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

-Kahlil Gibran

 “Do not resist the pain. Allow it to be there. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labeling it mentally. Embrace it. Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes deep suffering into deep peace. This is your crucifixion. Let it become your resurrection and ascension.”—Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

In the World of Ain't Shit Niggas God Blessed Me with a Unicorn

I thought I had unpacked all of the anger and emotional turmoil I had left regarding my sons biological father until I tuned into The FriendZone podcast titled "A Midwife, A Dream, and A Washrag" while I wandered the aisles of Frys this evening. Now let me be clear, I love this podcast I really do but today I was so far in my emotions I haven't even finished it yet. However, I must continue with my story...

They were talking with their guests about Black families, marriage and Black fatherhood. The wife said that the men in our generation (some not all) are really invested in not being absent fathers aka AINT SHIT NIGGAS due to their own experiences with their fathers. (1:08 mark but rewind it). She actually called them Trash Ass Niggas, but it got me thinking about my own father and just how amazing he was when I was a kid and how awesome he is with my son. I got really teary eyed because as a mother, I never envisioned my son going through life without a father. I never knew that a father could/would willingly walk away from their child like they didn't matter. 

So when they talked about those of us who were lucky to get the "Unicorns", those Black men who have stepped up and showed out in the parenting game I realized that I am doubly blessed. My dad is almost sixty years old but he still does all the things that a father does with my little guy. My dad is an amazing father and an even more amazing grandfather. The bond that him and Ezra share is something so awesome 👏🏾 that I don't think anything can ever come between them. 

So I sent a clip of the podcast to the men who I respect as fathers and/or father figures because Black men aren't told enough that they are appreciated. So big ups to the men in my sons life whether he sees you frequently or whether you actively parent your own children, I see you, I respect you and I love you. 💕❤️  

I'm raising a strong Black man and I'm ever confused in the fact even I need the help of the men in our family. 

Final thoughts: My dad is the business!

Link to The FriendZone Podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-friend-zone/id1031936205?mt=2&i=1000391109005

Quote: "Real fatherhood means love and commitment and sacrifice and a willingness to share responsibility and not walking away from one's children." William Bennett

Eclipse Energy is Wacky

OMG I woke up this morning with a horrific migraine. I swear I felt like I slammed my entire head in the door. Even taking a shower didn't help to reset the pressure in my head. The closer it got to the eclipse the worse it got. I was hiding in the darkest room in the house watching the eclipse on the NASA channel because this only comes around once in a lifetime right? And my body starts freaking buzzing it was the weirdest thing ever. 

At that exact moment my bff Buttercup sends me this text telling me that where she lives(I'm not telling HA!) it had reached totality. So I'm like -shudder- wtf. It was literally the coolest thing I had felt in my life. Yes I said felt because I felt it before I saw it. 

I decided to set some intentions, do a little smudging, make some eclipse water and take a bath because I'm a grown up DUH. I still have this headache but I've been meditating in between my various self-care activities and I'm tolerating the energies a lot better. 

I have some pictures that I can't post with this app but -phew- if you were able to experience any of the energy you know it was amazing. 

Oooo tomorrow I get to read to Ez's class! I'm bringing two of his favorite stories and I'm gonna let the teacher pick. But I refuse to read his bedtime story only because I'm tired of it. I think I've read it everyday twice a day since I bought it. Lol 😂 I've been spicing the book up because I'm bored and he knows that I'm making up words too! 

KIDS! 

Final thoughts: "Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer. " – William S. Burroughs

 

Wedding Shiz, Retrograde and Other Biz

Today was the final dress fitting for such a beautiful bride. Every time I see her in the dress I cry later that day. I feel so...invested in this...I don't want to say the relationship but in keeping her happy. But I think that that's something you do for people you love. I love them both and I love seeing them happy. And seeing the joy on her face each time she puts that dress on just makes my heart swell. She makes such a beautiful bride, I cannot wait to see his face when he sees her in that dress. I'm happy I'm able to share these moments with her. 

The wedding will be the first time I have ever in my life been away from my dad since ever. I'm really quite panicked over it. Like I realize that it's most likely this Retrograde that is freaking me out. However, the thought of being in a strange place without my human security blanket is just slightly overwhelming to me. As I was making preparations to return home I had a minor anxiety attack. Like..airports have all the things I don't like: crowds and people. 😢 not just that but I'm leaving my baby behind. 

I just keep telling myself girl you deserve this and I do. I deserve to go on a trip with my cousins/girlfriends, have a bachelorette party and attend a beautiful wedding. I do. I DO. but knowing I deserve it won't make it any easier to leave. 

Dick Gregory died today and that really just upset me. Sigh. Fucking retrograde. 

Final Thoughts: "When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps." -Dick Gregory

Rest in Black Excellence Sir and thank you for everything you've done ❤️

Sitting in Meditation

Over the past three months I've been learning how to meditate, which for me has been an extremely rewarding process. My mind is often a cluttered overwhelming place. It's noisy and chaotic in my head and learning how to just sit and just be has been a life saver. I've been using the most amazing app I heard about on a podcast and it has all sorts of meditations available.  I love it! 

Being able to just sit and sift thru the thoughts in my head has allowed me to process my life. I feel like I'm able to be a better mother and a better student. I've also taken up yoga. I'm not very good at it but every day I get a little bit better. I just focus on the breathing and go from there. I honestly didn't think I would like yoga but I really feel a sense of accomplishment after I finish a practice. Or when I finally achieve a pose I wasn't able to do before I'm like YAAAAASSSSS.  

Reflection: It is really hard to be black in academic spaces. I take offense when my classmates make comments stereotyping all students as one way or another because I am able to read through the lines. I see you. I know what your saying and it's not okay. It's not acceptable for impose your negative views on impressionable children. It's even worse when the instructor just lets that shit go unchecked. I hate it, it's not my job to educate people. It really isn't. At all. 

This is one of the reasons I've taken up meditation. I slowly empty my mind every single night before I go to bed. Otherwise I'll never sleep because I'm just laying awake thinking about everything. 

Sigh. 

Ending thoughts? "Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart." - Rumi

A Change Has Come..

Phew. So a stiff wind of change blew threw and I'm just having a hard time dealing with everything. This week my baby, my sweet baby boy started pre-school and my God is it hard trusting someone else with MY FREAKING BABY. The first day was the hardest, I had to cut out as soon as he wrote his name and washed his hands and sat down to eat breakfast. He didn't want to eat breakfast or maybe it was that he could sense I was about to have a mini nervous breakdown. One of his teachers came to the rescue and thank goodness for her, I barely made it out of the door before the tears started running down my face.  I was utterly useless the first day, I sobbed my way through my errands and grocery shopping. I sobbed while talking to my favorite Starbucks barista and made her feel so bad because she rang up his juice on accident. Sigh, by the end of the day I was so excited to see him that I underestimated his desire to see me. When I walked into the classroom, he bolted past a parent and nearly bowled me over. He said "mommy I missed you so much" and since then he keeps telling me how much he misses me over and over.

The second day was even worse but I did get a lot of work done. I finished reading like three chapters in my textbook, so yay me. He's made a bunch of new friends, and he's learning a bunch of new stuff already like how to share.

I've been talking with one of my friends about why it was hitting me so hard. She brought up the very important fact that I had* planned for his dad to experience this part of his journey and perhaps that is why I've been feeling so... emotional. It could very well be that now that I think about it. I honestly just think that I'm just feeling sad that my baby is growing up so fast. I'm hoping that he has an easier day tomorrow however because I hate how sad we feel when we part.

Growing up is a part of life, but I love knowing that we have a strong bond. *sigh* we can do this