Growing as a Parent with my Bestfriend

I think we all have that friend that we used to behave “wildly” with before children. Wildly can be a blanket term to define practically anything. If you know me, you know what my “wild” was already. Well, my “wild” friend and I have done a tremendous amount of growing over the past 6 or so years and when she sends me pictures of her girls it makes my allergies act up. 

When I see the amount of growth we’ve had since our Walmart day...it’s overwhelming. She’s such a kickass mom even when she’s dealing with other things she’s always focused on making sure her girls are happy and loved. I am so proud I’m walking through motherhood and life with her. It really does help to have someone who was there B.C.(before children) to help put things in perspective and to validate your feelings. But to also remind you of just how far you’ve come since you aimlessly wandered the aisles of Walmart crying over a someone who broke your heart time and time again. 

I know that once she discovers her passion in life, I’m going to be right by her side rooting for her just as feverently as she does me. Everyone needs someone to remind them that they matter and that they are important. She matters to me and I don’t know if I’d be where I am today if I didn’t have a best friend like her in my corner. 

Final Thoughts: True friendship is rare, treasure the ones who treasure you- Me 

Madam Chairwoman ✊🏽👋🏾❤️

In a shock of twisting events, I was nominated and elected the Chairwoman for the 2017 HeadStart Parent Policy Board for my division(County?). I am in complete and utter shock because I have no idea how this happened. However, I’m extremely happy that the other parents trust me to do a good job. All I know is that I was in the middle of telling the other mom that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to juggle everything plus school, plus practicum, plus family responsibilities, plus life when she said it looks like you were nominated. 😳❤️ Thank God for favor right?

It’s amazing that when you start speaking your intentions into existence he starts making things happen. I led the rest of the meeting(semi okay) and at the end the parents shared what their children’s classes had done in the past month. Some of the classes have done some cool activities like making SLIMEEEEE. I shared our class newsletter that I made for the month of October and some of the books that I’ve read to the class. Those same books have been shared here, just click the book titles on previous posts and it will take you to the authors websites. 

I am extremely excited to see how this year unfolds. Literally this past Sunday I was talking to my cousin about how I suddenly went from having nothing to do but school to having all these extracurriculars. But I’m enjoying it and I’m meeting a lot of cool people too. 

Final Thoughts: today I wore my “Black Excellence/Ignorance” shirt that I got from Urban Intellectuals (click link) and I was the very definition of Black Excellence ❤️

Growth is like a Fungus: Never-ending

“Many people have come and left, and it has been always good because they emptied some space for better people. It is a strange experience, that those who have left me have always left places for a better quality of people. I have never been a loser.”

 -Osho

I really don’t know where to begin, or even if I really should, or if I even want to try to delve into the chasm that was opened today. As I’ve gone through this process of growth, I’ve learned that I control my reaction to people’s actions. I don’t control their actions but I control my own. Therefore I should always extend compassion to those who find themselves affected/effected by the actions of others, even when that person is me or my child. 

I’m choosing to not be angry about a situation that causes my son pain. I’m choosing to feel compassion for my son who doesn’t understand that the actions of adults don’t reflect negatively on who he is nor do they speak to his character. I’m choosing to extend this compassion to myself because I still have problems understanding that the actions of other adults aren’t my responsibility. I’m choosing to forgive myself every single day because this isn’t my fault and I’m doing the best I can. I’m choosing to keep giving this situation to God because I’ve run out of answers. 

I would never dream of shirking my parenting responsibilities but sometimes I wish there was a guide to deal with MY specific situations. Seeing my child hurting upsets me but it’s beyond my control. I’m going to have to namaste that out of my system. 

In other news, I was/am feeling extremely overwhelmed and crummy and after I read “The Kindness Quilt” to Ezra’s class today I came home, cried and crashed. The spasms are getting to be extremely painful again and it feels like I have a permanent crick in my back. This is life and I will probably feel better after a broken nights sleep. If anyone wakes me up before 8am I swear I’m crying. 

Tomorrow I might see if my dad will hang out with Ezra so I can hit the library to finish my benchmark. I want to be done before TWD(The Walking Dead 💀) so I can stare at my tv like a walker. Or possibly go to bed at seven like an elderly person. Aaaaand guess who has his first big boy homework assignment??? EZRA DOES! It’s pretty simple, I just have to remember where I hid the glue sticks so we can do it. 

Final Quote: 

“My meditation is simple. It does not require any complex practices. It is simple. It is singing. It is dancing. It is sitting silently.”

-Osho

Steadily Revolving

The last week a class is always extremely draining, moreso when I’m not feeling 100%. I’ve been pulling all nighters working on my final assignments (yes plural assignments) because I refuse to let my GPA drop. However that’s not a new revelation. {I’m just over my obsessive academic nature} 

I’m always curious about what people see in me that makes them feel comfortable disclosing private things to me. Something was disclosed to me today that made my heart drop out of my body. I hugged my son a little tighter tonight. I cannot imagine the wealth of emotions they must be dealing with right now. But the fact that this information was shared with me is a privilege and a responsibility. They saw something in me, something I don’t see in myself that showed them I have compassion for the broken-hearted. I can’t heal the pain although I wish I could. But I can be a friend, an ear and a support when needed. 

Today had weird vibes all around I guess. I’ve been really.. I don’t want to say consumed but... maybe obsessed(? is a better word) with the artists/playlist I linked a few days ago. Not weird vibes bad but weird vibes mellow, probably because I’m tired and sick still and I really need to just sleep this off. However, people have to get to school/work and I have homework/reading/laundry/cooking/cleaning/errands (holy crap that’s overwhelming) so the show goes on. 

I am incredibly excited for my next class so I can get back to my practicum class. I’ve missed the kids this week but I’m using my two days off to research dyslexia and do further research on Autism so I can be more useful. Plus my next class deals with these behaviors(I think 🤔) so I want to be prepared. 

Final Thoughts: I need to be completely done with my assignments by Saturday so I can make a list for the HS PPBM on Monday. 

Quote: “ Sadness is silent, it is yours. It is coming because you are alone. It is giving you a chance to go deeper into your aloneness. Rather than jumping from one shallow happiness to another shallow happiness and wasting your life, it is better to use sadness as a means for meditation. Witness it. It is a friend! It opens the door of your eternal aloneness.” 

- Osho

Stillness

Let silence take you to the core of life. - Rumi

Each great silence is pregnant with meaning however it’s up to you to discern that meaning. Great reflection is never easy but it’s always worthwhile and rewarding. 

Thoughts: busy busy this week working on my benchmark creating mock IEPs(obsessing and getting actual input from teacher). Read an amazing book 📖 with shorty will share tomorrow! 

The Quest for Exceptionally Haunting Voices

"All these memories, too much to lose
No one ever leaves you
I don't need faith, I don't need truth
No one ever leaves you"

 

Good Goodbye -Lianne La Havas

Today was a day of beautiful haunting distractions. It started with that unexpected Jacob Lee song that made the hair on my neck stand up. His voice is so...idk but I’m obsessed and it’s not just this song, it’s a few of them. Then a friend shared this amazing artist named Sabrina Claudio whose voice is everything I didn’t know I needed. Today became a day to exchange haunting voices with friends and I accumulated a pretty nice playlist. I’m still looking for some to add SO if you know of any drop them in my email or my comments Lol

I think one of the best finds however was this guy named Leon Bridges. The style of his music is so reminiscent of the old blues I listened to in high school. I shared his YouTube concert with my dad 🙄😒 #hater but that’s old folks for you. 

I did get some* work done before I got sucked down the music rabbit hole. I created my template for my mock IEP and started designing my classroom layouts. I want to try to have most of it done before the weekend so I can do something fun with Ezra. Speaking of my cute kid tonight we read “Bippty Bop Barbershop” by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley AND IT WAS SO AMAZING. My dad read it to him and Ezra loved it!!! 

Final Thoughts: Today was amazing in every way. I didn’t know that I needed the things that I got but I’m thankful I got what I needed ❤️

Haunting Voices Playlist 

Book Steals From the Weekend!

I cannot tell a lie, I have stumbled upon some book steals this weekend. It seems like where ever I go there are books SCREAMING "TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE, LOVE US, NURTURE US PLEASE!!!" I always say yes and the cash register ding always follows shortly thereafter.

Books for Our Personal Library

• SpongeBob SquarePants And the Winner Is... adapted by Jenny Miglis based on the teleplay "Big Pink Loser" (Ezra's Pick)
• Alvin and the Chipmunks "Chipwrecked: Too Cool for Rules" adapted by J.E. Bright (Ezra's Choice)
• Knock, Knock: My Dad's Dream For Me by Daniel Beaty (Mutual Choice: he liked the cover, I liked the title)

Books to Use Interchangeably

• How Do I Love You? ?Como te Amo? (In Libro en Ingles y Espanol) by P.K. Hallinan (My Pick )
• The Little Book of Little Activists (My Pick)
• Ada Twist, Scientist by Andrea Beaty (His Pick to add to our personal library but my pick because the book was awesome)

So now I get to sneak them onto the bookshelf and pray that my son doesn't rip the paper covers off. We've talked about how we must respect our books but he's still learning how to treat books. I am always so thrilled about the level of enthusiasm he shows for going to the library and to the bookstore. It makes me feel like I am doing something right not only educationally but overall in my parenting journey. I'm hoping to read one of the books we picked up at the library to his class next week but I need to run it past his teachers first.

Sigh, it's time to go get my muffin and hope he's not to upset school is over. Toodles!

Mom Ramblings

Sometimes I am completely mystified at the awesomeness of my son. This kid who sometimes aggravates my entire being but can soothe it over with just one hug. He's finally admitted that he doesn't hate my new glasses, however he doesn't like them yet either. Tonight after I finished my homework assignment (the proofing and obsessing portion that comes prior to turning the assignment in) we read "The Duckling Get's a Cookie!!!!" by Mo Williams and he giggled and GIGGLED and GIGGLED and was entirely amused. He then proceeded to con me out of another story and we read "The Night Before Preschool" by Natasha Wing. We talked about why the little boy Billy was nervous about school and if he was still nervous about school. He said he feels safe because I'm down the hall if he needs me. We sang our goodnight song five times before he finally fell asleep and I kind of wish he was awake. I should probably go to bed myself, I'm still not feeling well and we have school tomorrow!

Final Thoughts:

“Having a child makes you realize the importance of life - narcissism goes out the window. Heaven on earth is looking at my little boy. The minute he was born, I knew if I never did anything other than being a mom, I'd be fine.     

Jenny McCarthy

A Glimpse Into the World of Teacher Blogs: The Teacher Website Search

In this blog post, we are going on a journey into the world of TEACHER BLOGS. I will admit that I did spend an excessive amount of time on each of these blogs just reading the posts because WHY NOT (I almost forgot I was doing a homework assignment)! There is some amazing information to be gleaned from every single educator. At the end of the post in the “Final Thoughts” section are some links to other teacher blogs that are definitely worth mentioning that I might come back to for my own personal reasons. So for now, pull up a chair and enjoy!

 

Learning is Messy

The first website I chose to review was Learning is Messy, which is ran by Brian Crosby who has taught for over 30 years and is currently teaching STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) to other educators. He is a well-known educator for his ability to help his “at risk” students connect to the world around them and excel academically using technology. One thing that I liked about his blog right off the bat, (aside from his excellent title) was that he covers a range of topics and everything relates back to education and how we can better serve our students. One post in particular caught my eye because everything he covered really does point back to how educators can create even more supportive environments for students. Many of his posts deal with how we can build supportive inclusive environments for students and often feature his students at work in their classroom environments. This post in particular details how his class embarked on a journey to work on their bullying problems. They analyzed specific children’s curriculums geared towards stopping cyberbullying and eventually came up with a solution that worked for their class. Many of the activities that he does with his classes can be modified to use with grades K-3 (the Oregon Trail activity might require some parent volunteers or preset up).

Organized Classroom  

In the true fashion of my life, I’ve stumbled across the find of the century in the Organized Classroom Website. They cover everything from classroom management to how educators can keep a healthy balance between work and life. Can we say major score? In their classroom management section they cover a range of topics from dealing with peer pressure, tips on how to keep students engaged, and a really cool positive behavior reinforcement system called “banner behavior”. In their classroom DIY  they have a lot of inexpensive methods for us to spruce up our classrooms. The bonus is that they review and test different pocket chair methods (which hello! Saves us quite a bit of trial and error money). Another thing that I noticed was that they had a few opportunities listed for professional development as well such as 5 Days to Better Parent Involvement, Secrets to Steller Student Listening and Classroom Organization to name a few. Professional development is always a big booster in creating a supportive environment for students, if we know better we definitely do better!

A Year of Reading

Quite possibly one of the best finds, in the history of literacy finds was this gem A Year of Reading, which is ran by two public school teachers who have a deep love of reading. Franki is a third grade teacher who has authored several books which are listed on their blog. Mary Lee is a fifth grade teacher, is an author as well as a poet, and has her literary contributions listed on the blog as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love reading so to stumble upon a educational blog that centered literacy was extremely exciting. In addition to reviewing books for Kindergarten to sixth grade, they also review young adult books and the rare adult novel as well. There is some beautiful poetry scattered throughout the blog which I suspect is written by Mary Lee(fifth grade teacher and poet) and is usually themed. They also post some activities they do with their students like the investigative math card  activity which was described as an “exercise in purposeful collaboration” and deemed great for upper grades(4-8). One of their posts in particular that hit home for me was about “Setting Writing Goals”  because I feel like goal setting is universal to all students even students in early childhood. The post was a great example of how to use scaffolding to build upon mini lessons so that student’s don’t forget what is being learned. I will definitely be revisiting this blog in the future for book reviews.  **Disclaimer: I am a serious book nerd and I love to read so my enthusiasm shouldn't be seen as favoring one blog over the other even though I may*(I did) have cried reading book reviews.

Scholastic's Top Teaching Blog

The last blog I chose to review was the Scholastics Top Teaching Blog  which covers a range of topics including discipline and organization to how to hold fun reader’s workshops for students. The blog is ran by a Scholastic’s group of teaching advisors who advise on specific grades. Since my current practicum focus has been Birth- Kindergarten, I looked through the archives and they had some truly spectacular posts. One of my favorite posts was the Kindergarten Classroom Reveal by Shari Carter because not only is her classroom brightly decorated but you can sense the joy she derives from her job in her words. In her blog post she offers tons of tips one being that using fabric to back her bulletin boards instead of paper keeps them from fading quickly (this is genius!). She has several classroom must haves like a easel to hold big books, a u-shaped teacher table for teacher led small group instruction, and a word wall to name a few. Her classroom set up is very similar to my practicum teacher’s except I don’t think that she has a leveled reading system (I’m going to email and ask her). Educator Nancy Jang who teaches grades first and second uses author Mo Williams(who writes my favorite book, “Don’t let the Pigeon Stay Up Late”) to teach Social Skills and Literacy by using his Elephant and Piggie books. There really is a wealth of information available for each grade level and I’m so happy I found this site.

I think this is going to go down as one of my most enjoyable homework assignments next to the assignment I had on Developing a Personal Learning Philosophy or even creating my Advocacy Project, both of which I'm still refining and staying true to. ***This assignment has been written in accordance to my current blogging style and in accordance to GCU standards (disclaimer).

Final Thoughts: Here are some other Blogs Worth Mentioning!

Teach Thought
Click Me!

 

 

 

 

 

A Twist of Twisted Events

Today I had a set agenda 1) Wake Up 2) get cute 3) get ready for my friends wedding and 4) have fun and do not die(ignore back spasms and swollen throat). However in a series of unplanned strange events none of that happened except the not dying part. Instead today was spent 1) rectifying the key fob, 2) making arrangements for my amazing mechanic to look at my car in the morning 😭, 3) picking up new glasses and trying to ignore back spasms and avoiding swallowing because my throat still hurts. 

I suppose I should look at the fob breaking as a blessing because driving with a gas leak is dangerous but I am extremely disappointed. I wanted to see my friend get married. I seriously never do/go anywhere by choice(let’s not get that twisted, anxiety rules everything around me) but she is a special person and I wanted to be there for her. 

Keeping with the confusion I spent most of the day in a pain fog. Thankfully I was with my parents but I forgot they like to “hang” and I’m not a “hanger”. Ezra got evil first and started saying he wanted to go home after we picked up my glasses. I was ignoring the headache and focusing on standing up but when that became a chore I had to say I can’t do this let’s go. 

I did buy Ezra some new books today for our collection of books that represent us. We picked up a copy of “Ada Twist, Scientist” by Andrea Beaty. And I got him a few other titles I cannot remember because my head is banging a particularly unpleasant beat right now. But one was a book of kid activists and I just couldn’t pass it up. I’m raising a leader not a sheep and he’s gonna be a man who stands for something. 

Final Thoughts: Tomorrow I have to finish editing my homework assignment that will be posted on my blog, because that’s the assignment. I’m having way more fun than I should be reviewing educators websites. I tend to get extremely distracted and look for things that can benefit the students in my practicums or in Ezra’s class. 

Final Quote: "Unexpected events can set you back or set you up. It's all a matter of - perspective." - Mary Anne Radmacher

Look at God, Just Stopping by to Say HEY I’s Here!

When I tell you that October 19, 2017 is going down in HISTORY as an amazing day *phew* -grabs church fan-

 Okay, I’m gonna have to bullet point this because yesterday was just awe inducing in more than one way. So when I’m saying God showed up and showed out, BELIEVE ME. 

1. God gave me favor in my academic/professional field. 
2. I got to lead a small group session BY MYSELF AND IT WENT AMAZING. 
3. MOST IMPORTANTLY MY SISTER GAVE BIRTH TO MY NEPHEW AND IM AN AUNTY 😭😭😭😭 LOOK AT GOD 👀👀👀❤️❤️❤️👶🏽
   

I won’t go into detail on 1 because why block my own blessings but thank you for favor in Jesus name! However, two was a blessing that rolled over into today because I got to lead the small group science experiments!!! It was super duper ooooper smoooper FUN! We were experimenting with the different textures of paper. The biggest win of the kinder class was when the student who is intrigued by me FINISHED ALL HIS WORK TODAY. Most of it was done independently and that is a major win!

I’m an aunty!!! *does the I’m an aunty dance* Now I need you to know that I’m awful, because the second she sent me the picture I SCREECHED and it was the most horrible sound. I sounded like a strangled cat or something but lord was I excited!!! He is such a  precious little baby 😍 my God, I can’t wait to see if he’s got her big eyes ❤️. I am beyond flipping thrilled 😭 my baby sister is a mommy. *sobs uncontrollably* 

Today I wasn’t feeling hot, so instead of staying for special class(art, music, p.e.)  I went home early and tried to rest until Ezra got home. I thought it was strep(the kids have been sharing it at school) but it’s thrush and exhaustion. So I’m supposed to start going to bed earlier 😑. I decided to be extremely proactive and got a multivitamin, echinacea and iron. I’m not about to be catching ANYTHING. NOT I. NOPE. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: I’m pooped the end. 

Blue Magic Grease on a Saturday Morning

“Above all, children need our unconditional love — whether they succeed or make mistakes; when life is easy and when life is tough.” ― Barack Obama, 2011

“There is nothing like the reminder of childhood than the smell of blue magic grease and the sizzle of a flat iron whizzing through your scalp on a Saturday morning...”-Me 

Tonight I read my son a book that made my childhood came rushing back so fast, that my eyes flooded with tears and my heart, my heart was overwhelmed with emotion. I was so touched by this book, that I found pictures of myself as a child with matching hairstyles to show my son. “Look Ezra, look at my hair when I was your age. Mommy had beads just like this little girl, weren’t they beautiful.” This book made me long for those Saturday’s spent at my Aunt’s shop with my cousins while we took turns getting our hair braided. 

I called my aunt tonight to tell her I loved her and to thank her for never letting me run around looking mollywhopped as a child. It’s so rare that a book evokes this type of emotion in me...I’m still crying hours later. I don’t know if it was the illustrations or the words or if it was just that I saw ME on those pages. I saw me as a child getting my hair done and learning to love my hair. Even as an adult, this journey of re-learning to love my natural hair has been such an experience, one that I don’t regret embarking on. 

Thoughts on the Quote: I had intended to write this piece about family and it turned out that God something else for me to get out. I have not always been the woman I am today but my aunt along with my parents have always been there unwavering in their support and their love. No matter what ass backwards decisions I’ve made, and when I made the best decision of my entire life(to be the best mother I could possibly be), they have ALWAYS been there even when I’ve pushed them away. My aunt and I in particular have a complicated history but with our past there is growth and with our growth there is a deep love and respect. And this amazing book that has reduced me to tears(and I freaking hate crying almost as much as I dislike Voldermort) reminded me of the importance of her place in not only my life but my sons. 

Book Recommendation: I Love My Hair by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley 

Representation Matters

“The best way to find yourself is to LOSE yourself in the service of others” - Gandhi

The best thing about this stage in my life is that no matter what I seem to be faced with, whether it’s the bowels of depression/anxiety, massive amounts of homework or the best part(and sometimes the most difficult) of my life Ezra; somehow I find the strength to just keep pushing and make things happen for us. 

Today I was thrown for a loophole but in spite of that I was still able to accomplish the academic AND professional goals that I set for myself, without sacrificing my sons wellbeing. I really*{am definitely doing something nice for my parents and my brother[yes even tho he aggravates me sometimes, y’all know I aggravate him too but he is such a BIG HELP when it comes to Ezra]} need to do something to thank my family for supporting my academic and professional goals. I have BIG PLANS and when(not if but WHEN) they are accomplished it will be because it was a family effort. 

I told some of the members of the HeadStart PPB my academic plan for success/taking over the world, and they were a bit discombobulated. People that don’t know me...well, let’s just say I get that reaction a lot. One mom however MISSED my speech and after the meeting/training session, she encouraged me to run for a position on the board. I’m considering it, you know how OCD I am about my GPA but this would look completely 😍😍😍😍 on my professional resume... 🤔🤷🏽‍♀️

Final Thoughts: I really am excited to read to the small ones tomorrow. I am excited to get feedback from the parents regarding my newsletter about the October HS PPBM. And I’m just excited about life tonight. 

Quote: “Why fit in when you where BORN TO STAND OUT.” - Dr Suess 

Miracle Melts Down by Rosemary Wells

Right now we are really digging this Kindergators series. This is the third time we've read this book and I'm extremely happy that he is able to recognize his own behavior in the main character, Miracle. Miracle is on a sugar high and gets really upset when her chocolate melts. After that her entire day was just one big puddle of tears. Her entire classroom banded together to try to help find a solution to the tears and eventually they found one that worked.

What was pretty amazing was that Ezra was able to recognize WHY she was upset. He was also able to help me figure out a few solutions to calm her down before we turned each page. At the end of the book the author gives a few hints on how to teach children about empathy and also how to create a harmonious classroom. I found this to be extremely helpful this weekend and utilized some of her tips.

Tips to Diffuse Crisis's:

1. Count to ten
2. Sit down quietly alone or with a grown up(if that's your parenting preference) until calm
3. Eat or drink something
4. Take a few slow deep breaths
5. Have a great big hug(Ezra's personal favorite)

Own them Imperfections Baby, I Sure Do!

Opening Quote:

 You can't be afraid to be honest and to be yourself. We all have imperfections and fall short at some point. Showing your human side creates a sensitivity, openness and trust. That's the beginning of the demise in a relationship - not being honest and not being you. 

BJ the Chicago Kid

The funny thing about me is that I have this perceived personality of aloofness. People who don’t know me very well typically think I’m very standoffish because 110% of the time I’m just watching. I very rarely interact unless I feel comfortable in my surroundings. My level of interaction also depends on how crap like I’m feeling too. 

Today I was pretty medicated so I was maybe at a medium interaction level, because my primary goal was to remain standing lol 😂. I always forget that stairs have the power to kill my back but thank jeebus for liniment. In all honesty I had a lot of fun tonight, it’s always a good time when I’m with this group of people. Ezra got to play with his cousins. Plus he got to “play” flag football 🏈 and he was so thrilled about it. 

SO that opening Quote was referring to a text I received while I was enroute home. It really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt*{me as a person} that it was an insensitive thing to ask me*{as a single ass mother, who has been a single solitary ass parent for the entire duration conception to now of my crotch fruits LIFEEEE} because wtf do I know about that when my “push” gift was the father of my child walking out on my son and claiming that it wasn’t his kid 😒🙄🙃🤷🏽‍♀️. I just might have fallen short of the mark I set for myself and went off on  my vulnerable person *name blanked for privacy* who did apologize but I don’t think they know WHY I was so irritated. And I don’t plan on telling them why either. They know me well enough to know my triggers.

I’m just annoyed with myself and them for asking and me for getting annoyed at them. 😑 I’m going to reach out tomorrow and fix this. 

Final thoughts: if you break it be willing to fix it. Especially if you love them. 

How is Personal Growth Measured?

Lately I find myself questioning how much I’ve grown as a person in one specific category, my ability to forgive. In all honesty, it really is a specific person who over a period of years did a series of things that I thought I had forgiven but I always question if I really have because I know myself. How much of this so called “growth” I’ve done is fleeting? How much of this growth is permanent and here to stay? 

Obviously growth is subject to change because as we live we evolve as people(I should hope), but in this specific thing just how much growth have I done? I cannot count the conversations I’ve had with my most closest advisors and friends where I’ve QUESTIONED whether I’ve truly forgiven this person, because in order to walk forward in my life I have to have forgiven them and everyone associated with those circumstances. 

However, the old saying “forgiveness is for me not for you” comes to mind, which leads me to question whether my motives are altruistic. Am I forgiving this person for the right reason? Or am I attempting to forgive them before I’m ready and that’s why I’m at the place I’m at in my life? 

This quote by William Blake that says “It is easier to forgive an enemy, than it is to forgive a friend” really sums up the former complicatedness of the situation. 

🤔How Shall I measure my personal growth: I think perhaps by the absence of bitterness. I’ll also measure my growth the same way I tell my son to measure his own, “Each day strive to be a better version of yourself, just because you can.”  

Even in the midst of the swirling darkness that threatens to overcome me more often than not,  I can still make try to be a better me than I was yesterday. 

Final thoughts: This post was inspired because I thought I saw a ghost at the movies and freaked tf out and walked out the movie. Thank Goodness for the bookstore. 

Also, Ezra and I scored big time at the bookstore. Tons of readers! Tons of sight words! And I found books for my future class! Look at me speaking things into existence!! I got some books for his teacher too! Everybody getting books! Yay for anxiety shopping! 

“Some days your the Pigeon, Some days your the statue; just live with it!”

I’m in such a weird place still but whatever, I’ll stay here for the moment and keep moving forward. SO. 

I had my first parent teacher conference 🙄. Aside from having to educate a non-Black Poc on the dangers of using certain adjectives to describe assertive children, it went swimmingly. They had nothing but positives to say about his growth in social-emotional, physical, cognitive, literacy (not ducking surprised he’s being raised in a home full of readers), math and language. One of the teachers said that she was particularly surprised at the skill he shows at building structures. However, Ezra does love to build things and use his hands so I just smiled and said “hmmm”. I am extremely proud of this young man and the growth he’s shown over the past few months. 

Today we went to this amazing museum 😍 I’m lowkey about to get us a year membership because I had a shit ton of fun there. Our good friends B & E & new baby A invited us to come along and I’m so happy we went! The kids had so much fun and they played SO well today. Plus they each built a house 🏡 lol that place was truly full of possibilities we were there for nearly three hours. I go to hold baby A for a little bit and she’s so cute and petite and she made my uterus angry 😭😭😭. I miss my Ezra squish 

Tomorrow I think we shall be staying inside the house the entire day. I am completely and utterly exhausted. I do need to do a few things but I can have my brother do them or wait and have my dad do them. I just need to sleep and rest. I am just hurting still and done with moving and functioning. 

I am pooped so peep the books down below for some cute funny educational reading for your crotch fruit. Ezra and I are really digging the Pigeon series by Mo Williams right now and Pete the Cat. They have Pete the Cat in the level 1/2/3 readers too FYI. Miracle Melts Down is about how to manage tantrums and stuff and we found it to be helpful for us as mommy and kiddo (we both throw tantrums frequently). We will be practicing some of their tips. 

Literacy Matters: 

Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! By Mo Williams

Miracle Melts Down by Rosemary Wells (Kindergators Series) 

I, myself, am strange and unusual- Lydia BeetleJuice

I’ve been trying to write something since, Saturday? I’ve just been in a bad place mentally and physically. Although it should be noted that Saturday I went out and I had an amazing time with a spectacular group of women. Saturday I put my -gestures vaguely- on the back burner and enjoyed myself and I painted! I painted something that is symbolic of my struggle with depression and anxiety.

Physically I really need a replacement body, my back is continuously spasming and I am exhausted. I slept until 1030am today, thank beetle juice it’s fall break otherwise I’d of been in a world of trouble. The horse liniment is a 45min fix so it leaves me greatly aggravated because I’m still hurting and it still hurts to stand up semi straight. Everything is a lesson however and serves to make me stronger, this is the lie I tell myself so I can sleep at night. 

However today my biggest accomplishment was really just getting dressed and not passing out in Walmart. I decided since Ezra’s been sleeping successfully in his room for nearly two weeks he was deserving of some new sheets(who doesn’t love new sheets??). Halfway during our trip I got hit with a nasty spasm and thank beetle juice for the cart. Ezra picked amazing sheets and called me his best friend. Win win. 

I have my first parent teacher conference tomorrow and I am super excited underneath this layer of OUCH I’m feeling. We are going to go out for breakfast first and hit the library afterwards(even though I feel like shit because library Tuesday’s). I promised I’d get him a book on how to take over the world, he’s definitely my child. Plus he wants to get a book on art so he can draw something for his pen pal. He’s really excited to send his first letter, and I am too. 

There really is something about seeing your child happy even though you feel like your doing a total shit job at parenting, but they think your doing awesome. He thinks I’m amazing and I just have to keep that in mind whenever the clouds start to build up. There is one person who thinks I fart glitter and that’s just amazing. He wants to help mommy take over the world(with a robot 😂). I love my kid. 

Final thoughts: 

"My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room."

-- Beetlejuice

#thatsallihave 

The Hermit Screams

Opening Quote: 

Forget safety.

Live where you fear to live.

Destroy your reputation.

Be notorious.

Jalaluddin Rumi

Transparency is so HARD for me. The one person that I am truly vulnerable with lives in another state and is just as beautifully broken as me. She never judges me when I fall apart and disappear. I don’t think I ever disappoint her because she truly understands what’s happening in my head. I miss her. 

This week depression is kicking my ass. I don’t  know if it was the meeting on Monday that set me down the rabbit hole or the person I thought was my friend breaking my heart but I’m over it all. By the time I had my appointment with my spine dr I was done and my back was spasming and I’m just over it all. Then she tells me “oh you have a horrible MRI” no shit lady. She says this EVERY FRICKIN TIME I SEE HER, yes my back is horrible I know this now fix it. However they can’t fix it I know this so I just go through life living and working through the pain and not being a major ass(most of the time). It’s no one else’s fault that I hurt this bad, it’s just to make me stronger. This is what I tell myself to get through the day. 

I fully believe I would have been ok*(meh probably not) had we not done a lockdown drill at school. I have bad anxiety, things that aren’t real appear as if they are and they sent me into a really bad place. I am still in that place. The kids did great tho for the most part, but why should they have to practice what to do in case some crazy kid/person/asshole with a gun shoots up their school??? Why am I now stressing over my son being in school and this happening!!! 

Today I made several stress purchases, a few new books, Canes chicken(because anxiety & sweet tea) and tea 🍵. I wish I wasn’t this way. I wish the darkness wasn’t always threatening to swallow me whole when I just want to live my fullest life. I wish the rain would go away because I’m not sure this umbrella is gonna last much longer and I do not drive in the rain, AT ALL. I wish I didn’t want to crawl under three layers of comforters to avoid homework, studying for this super important test, and that I would stop obsessing whether Ezra will ever stop writing his Z’s backwards(it just makes me itch). 

Mostly I just wish that my back/spine would stop throbbing and pay attention to the laws of gravity so I can sleep without waking up every two hours to readjust my pillows. 

*screams into the abyss* 

The following quote is so fucking true. I can tell people seventy different ways I DONT FEEL OKAY and all I get back is “what’s for dinner”

I QUIT 

Closing Quote:  

I closed my mouth and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways.

Jalaluddin Rumi

Up The Creek Without A Paddle

The greatest of all the emotions I’m feeling today is overwhelmed. Completely and utterly overwhelmed. I’m tired from today’s appointments and I have my own appointment tomorrow ☹️ after my practicum. I need sleep and my back and hip/pelvis has been spasming for 48hours straight and I want to cry. 

I will persevere because I don’t have any other freaking choice. A degree must be earned. I have a kid to take care of he’s depending on me. Just me. Always just me. But I knew that when I got pregnant. 🙄 

I miss my best friend. Texting isn’t the same as staring at each other having run on conversations about anxiety and depression. You never fully appreciate people until they are watching the leaves turn waiting for the snow to fall. 

Life changes. My spine stays curved. My back keeps spasming. And still I’m awake trying to write a freaking paper 📝 

I’m done. 

Family: The Complicated Mess They Leave Behind

A family can be defined as a group of people who share common ancestors such as aunts or uncles, or even cousins. Sociologists define "families" as an intimate domestic group made up of people who are related to one another by bonds of blood, sexual mating, or legal ties that is a very resilient social unit and survived throughout time. With that being said, families are fucking complicated. (This has been a definition)

 

I really wish they could see past the past to see your worth.

I want them to see the pain in your eyes when you smile.

I want them to hear the crack in your voice when you cry.

I want them to see YOU.

I want them to actually see YOU and not look PAST YOU

But to look at you

I am so mad that they treat you this way, but it isn't my place to do anything except love you

So I'll love you, send you funny memes and make you laugh

Tell you ridiculous knock knock jokes I hear from the kinder kids to make you smile

I see your worth

I see your pain and I will try to erase it

I will hug you and love you when you cry

Why?

Because I See YOU

I won't Look past YOU

I won't look THROUGH YOU

Because I love you more than I love chocolate and ratchet tv

I plan to love and annoy you for a very long time

I'm just super sad tonight because your sad

 

Final Thoughts: Family is so complicated and I wish people would think about the impact their words have on people. I want to do something special for this person.

 

Quote: "When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching--they are your family." Jim Butcher

 



The Greatest Amongst You Will Be a Servant, Who Are You Serving?

Every since I began my journey into the world of public education, I’ve know that it was always my intention to serve the students who were often overlooked. The families whose voices were often silenced by those with political ambitions. Those who were afraid to speak out for fear of retribution. People who look like me, people that I grew up with back in the day. Long ago I decided to be a voice for those families a present vocal loud af voice. 

Last night keeping with the promise I made to myself, I attended my very first HS Parent Policy Board Meeting. It started off innocently enough until they brought up “building bridges to the community”. I don’t know why but the hairs on my neck raised and I got an immediate icky feeling. Our current administration Orange 🍊 Tang and the Curdled Milk(Betsy DeVos), would like to invite police officers into our classrooms which serve minority families most of which have had negative interactions with said police. See the problem?

I held my tongue for approximately five minutes give or take until I was called on and I strongly disagreed with that. I’m totally fine with having other less threatening contributing members of the community coming into the classroom like firefighters, lawyers, judges, social workers, EMTS, Drs, and librarians but I will be damned if a cop is in my sons school. 

On a more serious note, resource officers are being traded in for ICE(immigration officers) and that is a risk I refuse to take with someone else’s life. Cops have no place in a classroom. It’s intimidating to young children especially in this amped up climate. Many of the parents had similar concerns and were open to alternate options, just not cops. The fact that Madam Curdled Milk didn’t consider that le popo would be intimidating to young students and their families is another sign that she shouldn’t have the position she does. She’s out of touch.

In OTHER news, I made a new friend at he meeting! She seems pretty cool but time will tell. Next week is fall break so Ezra and I are gonna take over the world with the help of our friends!!! 

Oh I read to his class today and it was super duper fun. 

Final mid afternoon thoughts: God is always on time. I am happy I’m able to serve in a capacity that I thrive in. I love my sons class and his teachers. I love that I’m blessed to be a part of his early school years like my mom was for me. 

It’s the first day of Halloweenie!

Opening Quote: 

Some people have a mistaken idea that all thoughts disappear through meditation and we enter a state of blankness. There certainly are times of great tranquility when concentration is strong and we have few, if any, thoughts. But other times, we can be flooded with memories, plans or random thinking. It's important not to blame yourself. Sharon Salzberg

I’ve got 87 consecutive days in with my meditation and by golly 😳 the past few days have been the ultimate struggle. Sometimes I do really well with letting my thoughts just float away. Other days, bad pain days I have trouble getting past the pain and I get stuck in wanting to remove my spine from my body. In spite of that, I consider it a win if I manage 5 minutes of emptiness because that is five minutes of tranquility. 

My brother came over yesterday for the first time in a long time. I have complex feelings about this but it’s really whatever. I’ve gotten used to family(us) not being a priority at this stage in his life. It sucks because I miss him but I have to respect that he’s growing up. 😒

We are trying to plan our family photo like months out so we can include him. 😒 We can always photoshop folks in 🤷🏽‍♀️ I am a-ok with that because my time is precious and I refuse to schedule haggle with grown folks. 

Our first HS parent policy meeting is tomorrow and I am super excited. I cannot decide if I should just be me or be unfiltered me. I’ll probably be filtered until I feel them out because you never know whose watching you. I’m really interested to see what goes on behind the scenes and how they plan the curriculum for our kids. I wasn’t playing when I said I was gonna take over the world. 

Final Thoughts: I made peanut chocolate chip cookies and they were amazing. 😋