Toxic by Association

 Sometimes(all the time) I just cannot believe the lengths certain members of my ‘family’ will go to in order to pry into my life. It’s really quite disturbing. I don’t know how many languages I’ll have to learn to remind them that I’m not who they’ve painted me to be. I’m not the villain they’ve created in their stories. The villain is the reflection they see in the mirror. Them. 

I stay away because they are toxic to my well-being. I’m happier without them in my life. If I choose not to share my life’s success and happiness with them, it’s for a reason. What value have they brought to my life to deserve that honor? 

As I’m often encouraged by my cousin to look within to see what flaws I have when I make her mad or my other cousin E, perhaps they should reflect on themselves. Maybe if there was honest reflection, they would see why people avoid them and don’t share their lives with them. 

Either way, I have no fucks to give. None. I reserve those for people I love and care about. 

Final Thoughts: those who associate with THAT individual have further been marked TOXIC BY ASSOCIATION because I don’t have time what mess y’all tried tonight. Childish. 

Disappointing People ~sigh~

As a single mother, I’ve become used to others disappointing my son and I do my best to protect him from those individuals. Today was one of those days where I failed as a mother in protecting his feelings. He had been asking to see a certain person for weeks(months if I’m honest) but for her health safety and his, the Stars never quite aligned. So today I decided to drop off her Christmas card and ornament to her daughter. 

There was a noticeable strange vibe, ezra noticed. As we walked down the driveway having never seen the person he was missing, I couldn’t help but notice that my son was downcast. I asked if he was okay and he said no, he was sad he wanted to see -name redacted- he missed her. He said other things but that is moot point. My child is receptive. 

After buckling him into his car seat, as I drove away I glanced in the mirror and saw he was crying. He cried until he fell asleep. I can’t have that. 

Every year I ask myself is it worth it to try and establish communications and familial bonds with his other family if it’s only hurting him. I got my answer this year. I can’t have wishy washy inconsistent people in his life. He needs stability. He needs consistency. 

Once I got him and all of our new library books(We found a crap ton of new books to read!) in the house, I pulled him in my lap and just held him. I told him he was important to me. That I loved him and I was never going anywhere. I told him that we(dad, ahbee, uncle Michael and Uncle Sam) will always make time for him no matter what. He said I know mommy I love you. 

#nomorevoluntarydisappointmentin2018

He’s older, and he is starting to see things even without me saying a negative word against anyone. He’s remarkable, his bio family is missing out. 

Merry Christmas from a Former Grinch ❤️♥️🍍

As a child, I was always really into Christmas and I loved everything about it. My moms mother, Madea had a beautiful spirit and she was our holiday angel. She would get us clothes and stick money in them with safety pins(we would always forget to take them out and get pricked). She would kiss our foreheads and cheeks with her vivid red lipstick that she wore even with her house coats. She was Christmas to me, so when she died so did Christmas. It was never the same again. 

In the years that my son has graced me with his presence, I’ve struggled to find my Christmas joy again. I’ve tried to find that balance between blasting corny holiday music and watching lame whitewashed Christmas movies and just allowing myself to just feel what I feel. 

This year I decided to experience each emotion organically and live in the moment. He deserves some traditions, I wanted him to have what I didn’t remember having as a child. I’ve blocked most of my childhood out. So, I made a big deal out of putting our tree up as a family, just me him and AhBee. We bought special ornaments and got him his own special tree for his room. We baked cookies from scratch together. Then he and his AhBee baked cookies together and had a ball. He and I cooked my parents their pre-anniversary brunch as a team because he loves to cook. 

Over the course of the weekend I came to realize that maybe we do have some traditions. Traditions are in the little things, the meaningful things. Over the course of the past week I’ve watched The Legend of Frosty the Snowman more times than I can count, but it’s our Christmas thing. We only watch Coraline in December because he thinks it’s a Christmas movie. We binge watched Star Wars because there is NEVER a wrong time to binge it. 

Then today rolled around and Ezra was so grateful for his gifts. He thanked everyone and gave us hugs. He loves his new book “The boy who lost his name”, he loves that the boy is brave and smart and kind like he is. He and I went on our annual lights adventure and I said “Baby, what was the best part of today?” And to my surprise he replied, “Holding hands and looking at light with you mommy.” 😩😭😭😭

He humbles me. I am grateful for this person I’ve been entrusted to raise. We are raising each other. When he said that, I realized that I would go through the few years all over again just to have him in my life. Ezra makes life worth living. 

So from this former grinch, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or if your just on break from school and it’s a regular day I hope you had a kick ass day because my heart is full and my cup is running over. 

Ending Quote:

A mother’s love is more beautiful than any fresh flower.

Debasish Mridha

Word Vomiting Meditating Unicorns 🦄

Writing for me has always been a way to explore the things best left unsaid. Even something as simple as a seemingly innocent blog post, is me processing life in my own way. Writing is a way for me to nonverbally vomit the thoughts that continuously stream through my mind. It is in a sense, temporary peace. 

For whatever reason, I cannot write during the day. It doesn’t matter if I’m writing for pleasure or if I’m writing for school my best work is done at night. There’s something about writing under the cover of darkness that just makes me feel as if I’m siphoning all the excess thoughts and emotions away with the touch of a screen. Sadly just as quick as I type them out, they are replaced with even more irrelevant ramblings to obsess over. This is my life, thank God for meditation. 

The simple act of sitting in relative stillness and focusing on breathing is still sigh a foreign concept to me. I’m learning to acknowledge the thoughts that race through my mind as I’m meditating, but not dwell on them. Oh I want to obsessively check my GPA? Okay not now, let’s exhale instead. 

Meditation isn’t unlike prayer to me. Sometimes I sit and meditate on thankfulness and acknowledge everything good in my life. I set my intentions and throw my desires out into the universe. Manifestation is a real thing, start speaking good things over your lives. Meditation is my grasp on life, it’s my way of checking in on myself and saying “I’m here, I’m okay and I’ve got this under control”. 

Final Quote: 

“Meditation should not be regarded as a learning process. It should be regarded as an experiencing process. You should not try to learn from meditation but try to feel it. Meditation is an act of nonduality. The technique you are using should not be separate from you; it is you, you are the technique. Meditator and meditation are one. There is no relationship involved.” ~Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Always Taking My Breath Away

"Motherhood is a choice you make every day,

to put someone else's happiness and well-being above your own,

to teach the hard lessons,

to do the right thing even when your not sure what the right thing is...

and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."

-Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

 

After the emotionally taxing day, that Thursday turned out to be, Friday was a relief for both of us. At school, I showed him where my class was so he could see just how close I would be and I walked him through my schedule for the day. He was able to meet one of my students and his father, which was pretty cool. Every step of the way I reminded him that I would be back to check on him before I left for the day. When the first bell rang and I went to leave, he had this terrified look on his face and I was just aghast because I thought he was going to meltdown and I think one of the other parents was gearing up for it too. However, he just asked for another kiss and asked me to come in after I took the kids to art class.

 

{I was sure to come back before art class for a quick pop in and on my way home I stopped in to check in with him and he was doing good. He just seemed super tired today. He asked me to bring Baby Bear to pick him up because he needed his friend. (sigh)}

 

*PHEW*

 

So practicum today was fun!!!! Sadly, A ended up going home with his dad after "Doughnuts with Dad" because his cough is getting worse but it gave me an opportunity to engage with the other students a bit more. I had one group that needed to finish up the activity from yesterday, so we did that after bell work. They got super creative with their q-tips and made snow-people instead of just dotting snowdrops all over. Afterwards I was able to observe the GPS report card testing which is a pretty interesting process. There is this massive (thick) binder of things the kids need to be tested on like phonological awareness, whether they can identify what happens in certain parts of the story, if they can identify types of literature, ummm math stuffs (I never see the math stuff since I usually observe during the day and they do math in the afternoon), and letter identification just to name a few.

 

When she brought out those privacy folders, man I had a rush of nostalgia and said as much lol. During the testing, I walked around and made sure the kids weren't peeking and really just got an idea of where the kids were at right now. After testing, we did another craft where we built a Christmas tree with different sizes of green paper. The kids had to put them in order from the start to the base. It was  really fun and a few of the kids told me how much they enjoyed doing small groups with me. Two of the young ladies gave me hugs today and that was really sweet because I was still feeling sad about Ezra and knowing that I was able to help them in some way meant a lot.

 

I think the most awesome part about practicum today was that they got mail from Japan. They are doing "where in the world are the gingerbread kids" thing and it's AMAZING!! IT'S LITERALLY THE BEST THING SINCE HOT GRITS... well a close second because I love grits... but one of the kids got the most awesome stuff from Japan, where the GBKs were spotted at the train station haha. The kids got so excited and I did too if I'm being honest because mail is exciting.

 

Highlight of the day:

I bundled Ezra up and took him to go look at my neighbors kick ass 2.5 hour Christmas lights show. We danced, played in the fake snow, and tried to catch bubbles with our mouths much to the chagrin of our uppity neighbors. However when you've had an emotionally turbulent week I think you deserve to eat bubbles with your mouth open. He had so much fun! Afterwards we came inside and got him ready for bed and watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (with Jim Carey) and then I sang him to sleep.

 

 

Pictures of our home crafts for the week:

 

 

 





I Always Come Back

"They say abandonment is a wound that never heals.

 I say that only a child never forgets."

Mario Balotelli

 

 

As a mother there are some things that I find myself truly unprepared to deal with and today was one of them. It seems as if Ezra and I are experiencing our most uncomfortable growth moments, in public spaces with all eyes on us and it's very disconcerting. While today threw me for a loop internally, outwardly my teacher training kicked in and for that I am grateful. This was worse than the emotional burdens he carried and unleashed during the weeks following Family Week (click link for details). His teacher and I are in agreement on this one thing that my son is hurting and lashing out. However, I suppose slight context is needed rather than circle talk.

 

 

Practicum with My KinderLoves <3

 

 

 

I was in the hallway doing a small group activity, today we were making these cool Santa faces with lace doilies, but I digress. I was handing out supplies and listening to the kids chatter, when we heard this loud commotion around the corner down the hall. If I'm being honest, I didn't think too much of it because it's the preschool hallway and the art class is there so there's always something going on but this wasn't that noise. I heard the teacher talking "it's okay just let it out", we heard some other noises and I was like hmm okay I'll ask after school what happened. Well my practicum teacher took most of the kids to special so my group could finish up their project and when she said there was an angry kid over there. By then the kid had started crying and the cries were just nagging at me. I jokingly said "oh that sounds like my son." But when I heard him crying out for me, something on my face must've said "oh my baby needs me" and she sent me to see what was going on.

 

He had dissolved into a puddle of tears in the hallway and his teacher was holding him and letting him sob. I may not like a lot of things that they do, HOWEVER the way she handled this situation has won me over for awhile. She was holding my baby and rubbing his back and texting me with the other hand. I sat on the floor in the middle of the hallway with them and once he realized I was there he climbed in my lap he sobbed and sobbed. She told me that he thought I was never coming back. I just kept reminding him that I always come back. I ALWAYS COME BACK. I called my dad because that is his safe place, and while Ezra wasn't able to talk hearing his voice did calm him down a little.

 

Once he was calm enough to talk we walked back to my class to get my stuff. I sat with him in his class and played with the kinetic sand with him and his friends until it was time for lunch. I reminded him that mommy always comes back. I will always come back, always and forever.

 

 

Therapeutic Literature

 

Tonight, I chose to read the Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn to him to help deal with these feelings of abandonment. While I'm not the source of the feelings, I want him to know that mommy (and dad aka grampa, ah bee and uncle mike) are never going anywhere. When my parents got home from work, they each spent some time with him to let him know how special he makes our lives. We wouldn't be us without Ezra, he is our glue.

 I'm hoping that in time, Ezra will see that just because undeserving people walk away doesn't mean that he isn't worthy of love. It just means that that person isn't capable of being what he needs.



 





Monday was a Monday after All!!!

Monday got off to a pretty Monday-ish start. The kid was traumatized by the outfit he chose to wear the night before. I was still feeling extremely crappy and less willing to put up with his personality quirks which led to a power struggle. Oh, lest I forget the crying fit he had when he realized that *I* his mother *GASP* would be taking him to school today instead of grampa. 

-throws self dramatically into the bed and pulls covers over head and quits the week already-

Luckily, his teachers were able to turn his day around with a heavy dose of knock knock jokes and you guessed it envelopes. Which also serves as a reminder to me that I need to buy some envelopes for him because he wants to mail some odds and ends to various people. I don’t ask questions I just provide stamps. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

I on the other hand, was the sick chauffeur battling the stomach flu and trying not to fall asleep the entire morning. After completing my familial obligations, I intended to come home and tackle the laundry but I was so tired I crashed the entire whopping 45mins I was home. 😭 I accomplished NOTHING today on my list, except an unscheduled nap that I was tricked into taking. 

I did have an amazing encounter with one of my favorite students when I went to pick up the kid. “A” was on his way back to class when he saw me and stopped me to ask if I’d come to his class today since I was sick last week. He said he missed me and proceeded to tell me all about another students new backpack. *tears of joy* So much progress has been made and it makes my heart swell to see how good he’s doing. I told him I’d be back this week and that I didn’t want to get them sick last week so I stayed home. He wanted to stay and chat but the Resource Teacher had to get to her next student so he had to go to class lol. Him being so excited to see me just made my day. 

We also got Ezra a “cape” to wear on the playground to cover his neck/throat while they are at recess. We are exploring all avenues to keep him well and this was a suggestion his teacher made. We let him pick it out and he’s thrilled. Now I just have to find him a Star Wars cape 😂

In other news Monday was definitely a Monday 😂😂😂

Saturday’s Belated Post 😩🤧

I feel as if this flare up is never ending. 

There hasn’t been a single day since my cousins wedding where my body isn’t wracked in some level of physical pain. This week in particular has been a test, because while I’ve been writhing in agony my sons had the stomach flu. YAY. His asthma flare up has yet to go away, and he missed school Wednesday. Partly due to his asthma but mostly because I was having trouble walking that morning. Thursday he woke me up at 3am by vomiting in my bed and then we started playing bed switcher roo. 

Today I’m just feeling spent. We went to the library after I struggled to wake up and put on all my various ointments and patches which allow me to move. However, nothing put a dent in the pain today and I had to cut our trip short. Walking from the car to the book drop almost reduced me to tears, but I promised him we would get new books. We found some new authors, a bunch of cool books on robots and he surprised me and read two new words with no prompting! 

But somehow tonight I ended up on a journey to take a family picture MINUS two crucial elements of our family. But that’s a post for another day, I feel too crappy to delve into familial politics regarding our inability to communicate without making each other feel unworthy. The trip and the walking wore me and Ezra out because he does tend to sense my moods during these flare ups. 

This just really sucks. I’ve been trying really hard to remember a time when I was pain free but I can’t remember. That’s sad. 

Contentious Holidays & Loved Ones

The holidays have always been this weird space in my life since certain loved ones have died. I’ve always made it out like I don’t care about them, and to a certain sense I really don’t because I don’t really enjoy the people I spend them with. We do the same things we do everyday and that’s nothing special. 

When my son was born, I tried something new and for awhile it was okay. However it wasn’t working for me because while I enjoyed the majority of the people there, I didn’t trust them explicitly and without trust my anxiety flares. I won’t even speak on the brief spell that we did have family come over. I enjoyed that portion of space but when my grandfather died I learned that blood-folk ain’t always really down. 

This is is shaping up to be a strange holiday space because an key part of my family won’t be here. I support his decision 2000% it’s just going to be weird because I’ve never had a Christmas away from him. I’ve spent every Christmas Eve and  Christmas with both my brothers. Now because our family dynamic has shifted into this unpleasant turn, it’s going to just be me and Ezra. I don’t doubt that I’ll find something for him and I to do, maybe see a movie or whatever. It’s just going to be weird not to be together as one unit. 

Although I’ve seen this coming for a long time because you can’t deny the very root of who a person is and just expect them to just SIT THERE AND TAKE IT. In all things in life THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES to our actions and the very lack of actions have consequences as well. It is what it is. 

It almost feels like they are all mad at me because they’ve been shut out of his life. It really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Perhaps a season of reflection is in order? 

Final Thoughts: If someone has removed you from their life, it’s time to take a long hard look at your interactions with said person and really think about why they’ve pulled back. Nine times out of ten the answer is staring you right in the face, you’re just unwilling to see it. 

Final Quote: 

“One of the saddest things in life is knowing that the only way they will truly come to appreciate you, is if you remove them from your life. 

Equally sad is knowing that the very moment you let them back in, the same cycle will once again begin.”

~Samuel Decker Thompson 

Walking through Fire, Maintaining Edges!

 (Photo: Ezra and His mom the day of the fated hospital visit right before he started coughing so hard he vomited in the front yard. Both are making funny faces because we are huge goofy butts and do not possess the ability to take serious pictures.)

Although the past few weeks and even days have been fraught with asthma issues I keep circling back to thankfulness. I'm thankful that I have my parents to help me stay grounded when I'm terrified out of my mind because my son can't breathe. I'm thankful that God places people in my life to advocate for us when our insurance denies my son the inhaler he needs to breathe. I'm thankful that I didn't send that text or make that phone call while I was angry and upset. I am thankful that I have my son and that he and I have each other. I am thankful that I have people in my life who understand that asthma rules our lives and sometimes I have to cancel going out because my son is struggling to breathe. 
 
I'm thankful that my practicum went so well this week. I was hesitant to leave Ezra at home but my brother knows all about our emergency asthma protocol and I know that I can trust him with this. Practicum was extremely rewarding and fulfilling this week. Thursday I got to sit down and interview the schools Special Education Resource Teacher. It was a really great conversation and I learned a lot about the way that the district serves not just the students but their families. I was happy to hear that at this particular school they have a "whole child" approach, meaning that they don't just take care of the academic well-being but they try to take care of the kids emotional well-being as well.  It's something that I've seen in action with their teachers and aides but to hear it voiced from an educator that I don't work closely with was extremely gratifying.
 
Friday's practicum was SUPER DUPER UUUPPPER FUN. I got to lead one of the small group sessions again (it really is one of the fun parts next to working one on one with students) and we played a Santa Phonetics game, where students had to sound out the words and blend the sounds correctly. If they got the word right they got to keep the "word cookie" on their Santa plate. It was so fun, the kids are making a lot of progress with word blending. Even the students who typically need a lot of help were KILLING it. I think the highlight of the day was when the student whose taken a special interest in my asked to read to me and grabbed me by hand. That small gesture was so out of character but really marks the progress he's been making this school year. I'M SO PROUD OF HIM.
 

 
I really feel like I'm in the right place. The things I'm learning in the kindergarten class I'm implementing at home with Ezra because he is bored in HeadStart and needs a challenge. He's thriving on their work and he loves it. The days that he's missed school he still gets to participate because I bring his "assignments/crafts" home and combine that with the kinder work(sight words, rhyming words, number recognition, patterns etc..). He's getting really good at sounding out words and practicing blending the sounds, although I'm starting to think that he actually knows more words than he lets on... He's a sneaky little booger THAT'S for sure! Today I made him a binder like the KinderKids have that he can write in using dry erase markers and just wipe off so we can save paper  :D
 

Samples of our activities:

Number Recognition

Rhyming words!

 We talked about our feelings, and he was sad he couldn't go to school because he was having asthma problems.

 

 

 

 Cooking is Science



 

 

Final Quote: "The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire." ~ Carl Jung