For Lack of a Better Title ☹️⭕️🤷🏽‍♀️

#choosekind

“no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” -Aesop

While the day started off really amazing, and I do mean it was pretty amazing. I got to visit with my favorite HeadStart class today. When it came time for me to give Ezra his goodbye hugs and kisses, one of his classmates A gave me the most spontaneous hug and kissed my cheek. I was crouched between their chairs because I always give Ezra’s hand a kiss to keep in his pocket, so when his classmate reached over and hugged me I hugged him back. He asked for a “hand kiss” too, so I gave him one and then they each gave me one before I left. That was the highlight of my day. 

After that everything just seemed to crumble and fall apart. I had a meeting with our family therapist, his teacher, and a HS bigwig aaaaaand guess who started tearing(crying) up halfway through. THIS CHICK 🐣 HERE. The phrase that set me off was completely innocent if we’re being honest but it’s one of MY triggers. I acknowledge this about myself (self awareness is a blessing) . We had been discussing MY trigger continuously in order to help my child and it was just too much for me. I know why I’m doing this but that doesn’t detract from the fact that it’s incredibly emotionally draining. 

Fast-forward to rushing home to grab Ezra to get him ready to come back for group therapy. Once again I’m already feeling a bit raw and I’m just there. Sitting. Silently. Tearing up because January has literally been a shitty month for reasons and I’m so tired of wading through an emotional swampland. It makes no sense why I have to fix the damage that another person has caused. It makes me so agitated because my child is hurting and I can’t help him because I haven’t even processed my own feelings yet. 

So I’m here, home. Checking in with the support system aaand I get hit with the predictable “God is the balm to all things” Christian troupe. 😒 I was already in a mood and I get so tired of people doing THAT *gestures*! But I digress, it was a day, a week, a month, a freaking year and I’m sitting here wondering why does growth have to be so uncomfortable? 

I guess if it was comfortable it wouldn’t be growth would it...

In other non-related news, ezra and I kicked off our month long Black History Month project and he seems super freaking excited. Each night we will be discussing four different influential African-Americans using our Urban Intellectuals Black History Flash Card’s (cop yours at www.urbanintellectuals.com ). This weekend we are going to start making a poster board display and he’s giving a presentation to his class at the end of the month 🙃. The entire family will be participating and we will each pick someone who isn’t typically taught in school. 

For example, most people don’t know that Percy Julian(4/11/1899-4/19/1975)  was an amazing research chemist whose work laid the foundation for medications like birth control pills and different types of cortisones. He was also the first African American to receive a doctorate in chemistry and the first African American chemist inducted into the National Academy of Sciences. 

• In conclusion, writing is cathartic.  I feel a lot better after having a mini word vomit session. 
  

One Day At a Time

"If you wish to heal your sadness or anger, seek to heal the sadness or anger of others.

They are looking to you for guidance, help, courage, strength, understanding, and for assurance.

Most of all, they are looking to you for love."

-Ana Castillo, Give It To Me

 

 

Parenting

Parenting is this wild crazy emotional ride where I can't really predict whats going to happen next. Just when I think, I've got this figured out, my son throws me a curveball and I'm stunned. However, I can't let him see me slipping because he needs to know that I'm steady and constant. His rock needs to be a safe harbor, a place where he can come back to when he's feeling uneasy. Parenting is a season of continually growth. I could choose to resent the highs and lows, but I respect the growth I'm experiencing. Growth is always needed in order to move forward with life.

 

Kinder School Choices

I loathe the schools in my area, except for one. It has amazing academics and an amazing curriculum but he's on the waitlist. SIGH. So today, I toured another charter school that was recommended by a family friend. Let me just say, all the nopes in the land of nopes? During the orientation they kept emphasizing they pushed "patriotism" and I saw orange menace bumper stickers in the teachers parking lot (hell to the nope). However, they have other campuses so I decided to check out the kinder classes because the curriculum is fire. OMG, smh those were the most depressing classrooms ever. The kids were quiet until the teacher held up some flashcards for a demonstration. It wasn't a good fit for us. AT ALL. I'm really thinking about enrolling him where he's at because I love the staff, the teachers and I know their curriculum materials are really good. Plus I trust them to ensure that he gets the help he needs. Plus their campus is diverse and that is important to me.

 

Me

I'm trusting the process and moving through my pain. My joints/back/bones are still swollen and achy; somehow, I've developed bruises touching the skin too hard but it is what it is. I started a new book "Adultery" by Paulo Coelho and so far it's pretty snazzy. I finished the book on Autism by Temple G, it had a lot of technical terms and made my head hurt. Who knows. I'm semi-enjoying my literature class for the simple fact that I get to go to the library every other day. Ezra and I are finding so many good books to read and they just got a bunch of new books in too! *dreamy eyes*

 

Self-Care

*thinks* I dressed cute for the abysmal school tour today. *shrug* Wore mascara and there was nobody to appreciate that extra six minutes of work. - falls dramatically onto the floor-

 

It's time for bed guys I'm tired and this mascara is bothering my eyes. smh but I look cute huh

 





Safe Place

The concept of a safe place has never been foreign to me. I’ve always had one even when I lived on my own. It was never my apartment or a physical address, my safe place was/and is a person. 

While examining the relationship I have with my parents and ultimately my own relationship with my child, I came to the conclusion that we have the same safe place: my parents. They each play a unique role in making me feel semi-grounded and balanced. My dad has always been that sense of security that I’ve come back to time and time again when I lose my balance. My mom is that not so gentle reminder to shake it off and keep it moving because life is too short to stay stagnant. Life can be so unsteady at times but their behavior has always been very predictable, whether it’s good or bad it’s always predictable. 

In my relationship with Ez, while I am essentially his everything, he recognizes that my parents are our safe place. If he has an emotional pain I can’t fix we go to Dr AhBee and she soothes him. If he needs a cuddle or wants to just “be” he goes to dad. Sometimes he senses which of the adults needs him and he goes where that need is. 

Today that adult was me. My level of pain has surpassed my ability to overlook it and I’ve been hurting. Ez was there to help me today and make sure I didn’t fall. He’s even loaned me his Spiderbear to sleep with tonight. He’s such a caring young man, I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve him. 

I’m hoping that my pain decreases tomorrow so I can focus and get some work done. I’ve tried all the usual things to get the swelling and joint pain down with no success. This too shall pass. Flare ups are temporary. 

Edit: Today is tomorrow btw 

Sound the Alarm, It's my Birthday!

"I am mine before I am anyone else's."

Nayyirah Waheed

 

 

The days leading to my birthday have been wrought with emotions. So many things have been revealed that I wasn't ready to confront. However, in order to help the child the mother must first help herself. My own personal traumas can influence my son's life and that's something that I would never wish on him. I just didn't know how draining it would be to relive it all over again. Even something as seemingly insignificant as an uttered threat repeated in a safe place was enough to throw me into a tailspin for a brief moment in time.

 

I just keep reminding myself of how far I've come since then and how far I still have to go. I'm now at a place in my life where I feel comfortable trusting others(limited) with my heart. I feel safe enough to be away from my dad overnight IF I have to. I have almost gotten to the point where I can stay in a room full of strangers and feel not feel too overwhelmed. I'm getting there one day at a time. All progress is good progress.

 

Due to things that have cropped up in recent conversations, I'm re-evaluating my relationships with people in my life. It's not a bad thing, but just like our children run to us when they don't feel safe or if they need assurance. Adult children do that as well, and I was dumbfounded when I realized that that's what's been going on the past four/five years. I haven't felt safe in a long time and I went back to the only place that I've ever felt safe.

 

Since realizing all of this, I feel completely and utterly drained. Today is my birthday, for most of the day I had no idea how old I was and it doesn't feel like a birthday. I had a parent teacher conference first thing in the morning. It went incredibly well and I couldn't be more proud of my son. We established some second semester goals for him and I'm so excited to help him meet them. Then after that I had a meeting which was also very productive. Ezra wanted tacos, so I made him tacos which we didn't end up eating because he changed his mind at the last minute and wanted grilled cheese. *sigh*

 

Tomorrow we are painting cutouts of trees and hopefully going to the library. I feel the need to be surrounded in the comforting bosom of familiar friends.

 

 



Poetry, the Goat and all things random

Tonight I wrote a poem for my goat. I feel like it’s something he would appreciate. Both witty and morbid, in all honesty he’d probably flip me off and tell me to go read a book. This weeks homework assignment inspired me to try my hand at writing poetry again. I like what I wrote, it’s fitting. 

In one week, I have started over two blog posts, started crying and then discarded them. It’s been a hellvua week. We’ve had appointments with the therapist, which leave me alarmingly wiped out. Then we delved into the complicated lack of coparenting relationship which exists with my sons bio dad and how that affects my child. Which while I logically know  that I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF ANOTHER ADULT(I use that term loosely), I couldn’t help but to listen to them and try to distract myself. Sometimes I truly wonder if he cares about the damage he’s done to our son in his quest to do whatever it is that he’s doing. 

Back on topic it’s been a busy ass week. I literally rushed from appointment to appointment to appointment. I did get some work done on my PowerPoint and I’m enjoying the progress thus far. All small accomplishments are victories. 

At this moment however, I’m laying in bed with a sick child. Our insurance didn’t approve his new medication SO as a result every time he coughs it turns into vomit fest 2018. * yay * he’s exhausted and so am I. Hopefully tomorrow is better so he can rest and I can finish the masterpiece that is my PowerPoint. 

I’m exhausted. I need a break. And Monday is the three year anniversary of my grampas death 💀. 

SIGH

Asthmatic Water Color Chronicles

Sometimes I feel utterly inept at being a mom, it has been that way for a week. I am fighting  a losing battle with his asthma. His pediatrician aggravates my entire soul and I'm pretty sure she knows it. I find it entirely frustrating that she can't just admit she isn't able to help him, and tries to deflect it onto my parenting. Or rather my "inability" to parent because I am a single mother(that's sarcasm for the dummies). If you heard the way that she talked to me during our appointments and the way that she kept shushing my child, I would win an award for holding my temper in check. Needless to say, I'll most likely be bringing one of my parents with me next week because I refuse to deal with her mess anymore.

Due to asthma issues(inability to breathe w/o coughing etc.) shorty has missed school the past two days to his dismay. So we've been doing some homeschool activities to keep him active and keep him on his school schedule as much as possible. This unit they are learning about seeds and how seeds grow into different types of plants and trees. This week they are learning about trees so today we painted the tree in our front yard. We also talked about the different parts of the tree (roots, trunk, and leaves) and how to tell if a tree is healthy or dying. He did an abstract painting of the tree, then copied my painting of trees. It was a really fun no pressure activity.

After we discussed trees, we did "math" activities with his hot wheel cars and worked on addition and subtraction. I would give him five and say "if you have five and I give you two, how many do you have?" Or I would give him six and say "if you have six and I take three, how many do you have left? what if I give one back?" It was really interesting to see how his brain works especially using items he enjoys playing with.

Water Color Paintings

(mine is the top left corner)

 

We practiced sounding out words today

 

New Book I'm reading

 

 

 

In other news, I took a picture yesterday of myself the first non-filter one in a very long time. I was having an ok*(non-crippling pain day) pain day and wanted to commemorate that moment. I think I'm growing my hair out, not entirely sure but we'll see. My birthday is in 14 days and I am still waiting on that "excitement" that has eluded me since my grandfathers death three years ago. This year I have decided not to be sad even though his dead-anniversary is two days before my birthday. We have parent teacher conferences on my birthday too, so maybe I'll take Ezra out or something.

 

I'll leave you with the semi-cute picture from Wednesday :)

 

 

"Everything is Possible.

The impossible just takes Longer."

Dan Brown



 

 

 



“Dispose of People, NOT Books” - me circa 2018

The other day I was talking with my bff, and I said in jest “dispose of people, NOT books.” We giggled but she knew how serious I was because I do not play about my books. To this day I still haven’t thrown away a few of my exes books simply because YOU DON’T THROW AWAY BOOKS. 😑 You throw away the person and pack up the books because you never know when you might need to fall back on that knowledge. 

I decided that “dispose of people, not books” will be my 2018 motto. If people have already shown me their true colors, is there really any sense of keeping them around? I have more than enough to keep me mentally occupied at the moment so why not free up some space. No one is exempt, and since my circle is already pretty small 🤷🏽‍♀️ suffice to say I’ve already made some cuts. 

I’ve used this distraction free time to delve into a few new memoirs this week. I’ve completed “The Mother of Black Hollywood” by Jenifer Lewis and when I tell you her voice is strong in that book! Lord! As I was reading, I could hear her voice in my head reading the book. It made me wish I had got the audio version. This book was raw, vulnerable and so so honest. She was open about struggling with bipolar disorder and encouraged others to get help and fight the stigma that Black culture has placed on mental health. You can’t just pray everything off. 😑 you really can’t. 

I am now more than halfway done with the first Game of Thrones book. THANK GOD. They left so much out of the series tho. Omg when they talked about Lady Caitlyn climbing into the Vale I got nauseous af because I do not like heights. I would’ve had to let Tyrion go! Anywho, I’m about to start “Around the Way Girl” by Taraji P. Henson 😍 and I hope the book is as good as the cover art!!

I stumbled upon a new to me artist 😍 and I’m just in love. Their music is just so mellow and chill and they have this song called Arizona(that’s not the song that stole my heart tho) that is beautiful. They are called Common Souls and even Ezra likes them(he dislikes 2% of my music on principal). 

I’m excited for school to start back Monday!!! Idk if Ezra will stay the whole day because he’s having issues breathing again. *fumes* However that’s nothing I can control and I accept that. I’ve upped the breathing treatments and we’ve been arguing about renaming the breathing machine. I still think “Jerome C Willis” is fitting and he wants to call him “darth mama”( which I take offense to). Sigh 😔 

On a lighter note, he’s also given me THREE birthday party scenarios he’ll accept this year. One of which I’m going to just run with because WHO THE HECK DOESN’T LIKE THEMED PARTIES! Also I really just want to dress up the twins as Ewoks. 😂🤷🏽‍♀️ Haven’t ran that past their mom yet BUT she might do it for cake lol 

Alas, it’s time for meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️ because tomorrow I’ve got a sick kid to care for and a poop ton of laundry to fold for the week. 

Gather round, Can You Feel the Optimism in the Air?

2017 has drawn to a close and we’ve entered into the Age of the Aquarius. Many of my friends have made fake-alutions (resolutions that they will abandon in about a month or so) and I knowing my strengths and weaknesses decided to go a different route. One of the lovely caregivers in my caregivers support group asked us what our 2018 theme word was, the one word we would focus on in all of our actions. 

I was incredibly puzzled at first and kept scrolling past the post. I didn’t know how to answer it, there couldn’t be just one word I could apply to all aspects of my life...could there? After looking over my 2017 life, the word GROWTH came to me. Growth🤗😍

2017 was such an amazing year for me professionally and academically. I’ve made a lot of connections with amazing educators. Met a lot of cool students and equally cool parents who were super chill to be around outside of the BCE campus. Not to mention the opportunity to be on the HeadStart Parents Policy Board, is just amazing and I’ve learned so much there in the short time time been active. So the word GROWTH is just extremely fitting for me. 

I want to continue to expand and GROW in all of those areas. I also want to experience and nurture some personal growth and healing. I have some emotional stuff to tackle so that I can be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and educator. 2018 is  my year to continue to GROW as an individual. To figure out who I am outside of motherhood. I am excited to see what life has in store for me. 

Also, since the cats out of the bag over Christmas break my school published a piece I wrote for them! I am extremely excited and grateful for that opportunity. I enjoyed writing about MY views on my place as an educator in teaching values to students. My piece is entitled “Teaching and the Art of Imparting Values to Students,” click the link and it will take you to the article! Let me know what you think ♥️

I’ve also embarked on a reading challenge to read X amount of books by December. I forgot how much I love reading. Reading for pleasure is such a different High than reading academic stuff. So far I’ve finished “The Heart Finishes Last” by Margaret Atwood, “Lagoon” by Nnedi Okorafor (FREAKING amazing book), and “Born A Crime” by Trevor Noah(this man has been through some things and to be able to laugh still... Lord, it was written well and I couldn’t put it down). I recommend all three of them but those last two are really going to suck you in and just trap you. I just started Game of Thrones #1 and I’m going to pick up “The Mother of Black Hollywood” by Jenifer Lewis tomorrow. 

Reading is addicting. 

Final Thoughts:

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

*Maya Angelou*

Deep Dive Into Solitude

 

As I write this I’ve spent the past few weeks slowly shutting myself away, preparing for the deep dive. It’s nearly that time of year where I start to reflect on everything both the good and the bad. I might judge myself harshly for some choices I’ve made, however this year I feel as if I have a lot to celebrate. 

This year I didn’t dance with the devil not once. I stayed focused and accomplished a lot both academically and in my mom life. I made the Deans List again with a 3.77GPA and I’m nearly to my goal GPA of 3.8. (GPA UPDATE 3.79 HELL YES!) 

I found an amazing practicum teacher and learned so much more than I thought I would. I was able to participate and be a useful part of her class which was amazing. I bonded with her students and was able to make a positive impact in their daily lives. I also made a new friend and discovered that I have a passion for helping students with exceptional needs. 

My personal life hasn’t been that dull either, I’ve had the opportunity to watch my son flourish in ways that have been completely amazing. He can write his first and last name, the names of everyone in the house, he’s able to sound out a few words, and he’s discovered a joy of independent building. I’ve made new friends thanks to the Parent Policy Board and they are amazing parents/caregivers. I’m also learning a lot about the place I intend to work once I complete my degree(law of attraction) and hopefully showing myself worthy in the process. I saw my cousin get married to her best friend. My sister had a baby 😍😍😍(he’s so friggin cute). 

I’ve also been practicing meditation since June and for someone whose mind is NEVER quiet, this is the biggest win of them all. 

I could choose to dwell on all the shitty things that happened this year, but so many amazing things happened why ignore them? 

2017 has been a year of progress in so many ways and I am excited to continue to build upon everything I’ve accomplished so far. I have so many things I want to do in 2018 including travel for pleasure with Ezra and I know that everything is going to fall into place. 

Theme for 2018: Growth