In seeking me, I have found myself

"When I discover who I am, I'll be free."

Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

The idea of self-awareness seemed like such a foreign concept to me until a person told me that I was "extremely" self-aware. At the time my working definition of self-awareness was limited so I just smiled. Prior to therapy, as part of my personal healing I've spent the past few years examining my own behaviors because I needed some answers. According to this person, this is all part of self-awareness in the greater scheme of things. Self-awareness is the ability to accurately analyze your own personality including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivations and actions. Self awareness will also allow you to understand others and how they view you and your actions, attitude and responses to them.

In my parenting relationship with my son, I can pinpoint why certain behaviors make me uneasy. It's due to a familial pattern which I had already guessed and have been working so hard to break that pattern. Rather than being a "yelling parent",  I'm trying to be receptive to his feelings because his feelings are valid and they deserve to be respected. Rather than shrinking away when he expresses emotions that I'm uncomfortable with I comfort him, like I wish I had been when I was a child. These small steps on the staircase to self-awareness will help him to break these familial patterns. For the most part, I can understand how my actions and behaviors influence him because I know how my parents actions and behaviors both negative and positively influenced me.

In regards to my personal relationships both friendships and romantically, I tend to have a "let me fix you" vibe. I've always gravitated towards seemingly broken people. Or people who have complicated relationships with their families because they always understood my relationship(lack thereof//inability to have one) with my family. However, I am never able to drop the relationships when they become draining. Partly because the most draining relationship I have is still ongoing and will probably never end. I think the other reason is more simple. People need true friendship in their lives, and although I profess to dislike people, I am good at fostering friendships. I'm just not so good at the upkeep. I aim to change that this year.

I've also noticed that I seem to fall into the role of "support friend/family member". Also aiming to change that as well because I'm not with the shits anymore. I deserve more than just a phone call when your life is falling apart. I tend to retreat when things are going poopy and going well(unless I really like/trust you).

I'm just at a point in my life where I'm over being taken for granted. If I want others to value me as a person, I need to value myself. This is one of those tests where if relationships are meant to last they will stick around and if not chuck up a deuce. In the past, the ending of friendships made me sad but not I'm realizing that not everyone can travel with you along your path and that's okay. It doesn't mean I love them any less but we just have different roads to travel. I'm glad that I've gotten to the point where I'm able to assess, accept and reflect on my feelings without a major spazz fest.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

C.G. Jung

Wakanda Forever

It’s been a full 24 hours since I saw Black Panther and I am still in awe by my people. As I sat in that theater ever so thankful that I had the foresight to bring some damn tissue, because yes I was crying during the movie. I was just incredibly happy. Twenty-four hours later and I am still seeing the strong Black Women of Wakanda racing across the screen not a stereotype in sight. Finally a Black Princess young Black Girls can look up to and aspire to be. She was quirky, gorgeous, melanated, and didn’t take shit from anyone let alone her brother. 

As I watched the movie sitting next to my mom, brother and cousin I realized how at peace I was feeling. Maybe it was being surrounded by images of people who looked like me. Maybe it was the fact that every Black person who had waited outside with us gave each other a knowing glance before entering the theater. It was as if we knew life would forever be changed once the film started rolling. 

In this movie, I saw myself on the outside looking into this mythical safe place and desperately wanting in. A place where I’d be welcomed and my son would be safe from harm. A place where strong, loyal Black men exist and look like a snack. 😭 {literally all them brothas was a snack, a meal forget a diet a FEAST!}  Mostly I think I was just so incredibly proud of the actors because they poured so much of themselves into this and it showed. 

I left the movie thinking 1) that gorilla dude from the mountains is new Bae, 2) I’m bringing Ezra to see this because he needs to see people who look like him and his cousins living their best lives on screen and 3) this was the most amazing movie I have ever seen. 

There is honestly so much to process from the movie from the imagery, costumes, the complicated familial revelations(which I related to), the strong beautiful loyal Black women, the sexy ass Black men and the underlying theme of social justice. I feel like I’ll watch this movie a million times and take something new away each time. I can’t wait to share this with my son. 

I’m so proud of my people because they created such an amazing work of art. 

The World We Live In

Have you ever had a moment where something was nagging you but you didn't quite register it until the day was half over? That was my day, this thing was bothering me all day and I realized later today that it was the reason I kept my child home from school. I'm going to email his teacher and ask her what safety precautions they have in place at the school and as a program because I just can't send him there this week. I just need to keep him close and hug him a little tighter.

All day I kept remembering the lockdown from last semester and how I wanted to go run to his classroom and protect him. But I had to stay with my class and trust his teachers to protect him. I hate that we live in this type of world where our politicians refuse to acknowledge that we need better gun laws. They'd rather just take money and let people run all willy nilly with guns and shoot up schools. I hate that this is a reality that we have to live with. All over my internet circles, my mom friends are shaken and not all of them have the luxury of keeping their kids home.

Something has to change. While I obviously cannot keep him home from school every single day for the rest of his life, he will be home tomorrow. We will homeschool and finish up our Black History Project (which looks awesome), learn some more about poisonous plants and practice writing our names NEATLY. And come Tuesday, I'll have to suck it up and send him to school.

SIGH. I hate this.

Therapy Reflection ⭕️

One thing I’m learning through this therapeutic journey is that I as a parent am actually doing an okay job. The things that we are learning in class about supporting our children’s emotions and working with them to manage their feelings are things that I’ve been doing already. I just never knew there was a technical term for it, I just thought it was good parenting. It’s okay to acknowledge that your kid is mad at you, their feelings are valid. Once again, your child’s feelings are 1000% valid. 

Today we talked about how it’s impossible to spoil an infant because infants aren’t aware of boundaries. As a result, they are unable to break them. I thought this was common sense but people believe that you can spoil babies. 😒 People are idiots. We want our children to grow up into self-confident, well-adjusted, happy toddlers/children; so we need to make sure that we meet their emotional needs as infants. 

COMMON SENSE. 

As a parent, I’ve always had the mindset that if Ezra needed me I’m there for him. In group I’m learning that the way I’m parenting is a good way for my kid. Ezra needs to know that he can go out and do his thing but that I’ll always be here to reassure him, console him, love him, play with him and take joy in him. It’s strengthening our bond because when he interrupts me I no longer see it as an annoyance, rather he just needs that connection to me. 

I’ve also been analyzing my relationship with my parents when it comes to what I’m learning in group. Some of the behaviors Ezra exhibits, so do I. I need that connection to my parents still even as an adult and if I don’t feel it I disconnect from them. I’ve been looking a lot at how my childhood has affected how I’ve chosen to parent and interact with Ezra. The aspects of my childhood that caused me significant amount of pain and grief, I’ve shunned them or limited them when it comes to Ezra.  He’s got enough on his plate and I refuse to put the things I had on my shoulders on his #notcool 😔. 

Therapy is proving to be an extremely useful thing when it comes to making the connection I have with my son even stronger. We are communicating better and he’s telling me his feelings even when he’s upset with me(which is important). I just loathe the session coming up where I have to talk about me. 😒 I’m not gonna lie and say I’m copacetic but “me” means tissues and a stuffy nose and I’m still suffering with the bronchitis/pneumonia crap 💩 

“Man {Woman} can learn nothing unless he {she} proceeds from the known to the unknown. 

-Claude Bernard 

Life’s Special Moments 👩‍👦

The thing no one tells you about parenting is that the little moments make it all worthwhile. The first time your child makes you a friendship bracelet at school will be forever marked in your memory. The first time they write their name on their own. The first time they spell your name correctly when you had no idea they knew how to spell it, will just send your heart a fluttering.  

Tonight Ezra told me I was the best part of his day. He likes to cuddle with me and watch Darth Vader. He likes to watch mommy do homework and yell at her computer. He likes to watch me pick books out at the library because I make the “ugh” face when I don’t like the book. He said he loves to watch me cook dinner because my face relaxes and I look happy. It surprised me because I didn’t know he felt that way or that he even watched me that closely. 

I shared with that my favorite part of the day is when he first wakes up because he gives the best cuddles and tells the best stories. I told him that I love to see him after school and hear about his day. I love watching him play because he’s gets really into it. I told him I love reading to him everyday because he’s so curious about everything he makes reading a pleasure and not a chore. He truly is the best part of my day. 

He smiled a sleepy smile and kissed me on the cheek. It’s little moments like this that make life’s stresses disappear. 

♥️

Celebrating Black History Month Our Way

This month Ezra and I are celebrating Black History Month by reading books that reflect our history. We are reading books that tell our stories because it is important for my son to grow up knowing the history of his people. The history of his people isn't just limited to the shores of the United States, so we are starting with the Spider Stories. The Spider Stories are something I grew up reading as a child and to share them with my son makes my heart swell. Here's a glance of the books we've read so far this month!

This was an amazing story about the Great Migration of Black Americans who left the Southern States in search of better opportunities in the Northern States. I had never heard of The Great Migration before reading this book and to hear it from the perspective of a family that had experienced it firsthand was enlightening.  

Anyone who matters knows that I named my after this amazing man, so we got this book to celebrate his life. I am so excited to share this with Ezra once I get my voice back.

I love the illustrator of this book. Somehow he always manages to make the text come alive. I also love Jimi Hendrix so we are going to celebrate his life and blast his music in the most offensive manner I know!

My son adores Michelle Obama so I got him this book so that we could learn a little bit about this amazing woman.

I won't say too much about this book, but I really enjoyed it.

Part of our Langston Hughes activity from last week.

This month is all about celebrating the things that make us who we are and embracing the good and bad parts of our history. Some might argue that I'm exposing him to the ugly parts of the world too soon but I'd be doing him an injustice by hiding it from him. Reading with my son is one of the best parts of my day and it makes me incredibly happy to see him so excited to see people that look like him on the pages of our books.

Happy Black History Month

Back Post

 

“I am an expression of the divine.”

 ~Alice Walker~

There really isn’t a specific reason for the quote I chose, other than it resonated with me in this moment. As I lay here, coughing up what’s left of my lungs that quote said “I’m here, look at me” and imprinted itself on my soul. Simply put, I was powerless to ignore it. It was just meant to be I suppose. 

I’m also wondering if I was meant to get sick this week.  I certainly didn’t schedule any sick time in calendar so this illness is inconvenient. Apparently that run down feeling I’ve been experiencing wasn’t just related to my back pain. That feeling is also related to the acute bronchitis, touch of pneumonia and laryngitis which  I was gifted with this week. I just thought it was due to me not getting enough rest but as usual I was terribly wrong!!!

 

In another twist of events I took Ezra to the doctor this morning because he was coughing all night and his asthma meds weren't helping. It turns out that my little precious is sick and his lungs are tight. I'm a bit peeved off because the doctors office never called his prescriptions in. I'm hoping that the pharmacy calls and it shows it soon.

Update: his medication was never sent through. UGH.

Saying Goodbye is Even Harder the 2nd Time

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one.

We all know that our time in this world is limited,

and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet,

never to wake up.

And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.

It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark,

and thinking there is one more stair than there is.

Your foot falls down,

through the air,

and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try

and readjust the way you thought of things."

 

-Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bittersweet Truths You Can't Avoid)

 

 

 

This past Saturday I revisited one of the most painful memories in my past, the day I lost my grandfather. My cousins and I went to the veteran's cemetery for the first time since we laid him to rest. I was honestly dreading going there because I wasn't sure how either of us would react. I remember how difficult the day he died was however I was a child then, and I'm an adult now.

 

Flashback:

What I remember most about that day was that my older cousin R, sat next to me at the funeral because I was a wreck. A sobbing, snotty nosed wreck. My Great-Aunt Willie Fred sang some song, I think it was Amazing Grace, it was off-key as all get out but nobody cared because she had just lost her brother. I told my cousin on the ride to the cemetery that I remember thinking that the drive from the church to the cemetery felt like forever. That was the one thing that stuck in my head was that the ride took forever and it was hot at the cemetery.

 

Present Day:

There was something about walking along all those graves just searching for his name. When we finally saw his headstone, my heart, it skipped a beat. It took me 18 years to be at a point where I felt emotionally okay to do this. I stared at his name for a long time; the dates seemed too close together. He lived a full life, a long life but most importantly a happy life. I just felt like it could've been longer if it hadn't have been for the cancer.

 

Cancer stole the most important person in my young life from me far too soon. For many years, I blamed God because I felt like my grampa still had work left to do here so why couldn't God defeat cancer for him. As an adult, I realize that his death in some ways felt like abandonment to me because I wasn't able to grasp it through the eyes of an adult. I idolized my grampa Herb; he was the very reason for my smile. I loved everything about him. He had so much personality; he could walk into a room and immediately fill it up. Anything that I ever asked for he got it for me, including the butterfly net. I didn't really need it but I just wanted to catch butterflies so he gave me one. He was amazing like that and he had a good heart.

 

 I'm sure that he made his mistakes over the years, but all I ever saw was this amazing man who I loved more than life itself. Yesterday made me realize how much of an impact his death had on my life. A series of unfortunate events happened immediately after his death and I was really unhappy for the longest time. It was a sucky year and all I wanted was my grampa back but I think that's all any of us wanted.

 

Yesterday showed me how far I've come in regards to dealing with my grief. I still look for aspects of him in the men I date but it's no longer the deciding factor. I'm at peace with his death because I realize that he left behind a legacy of love. He also left me with some of my best friends in Chan and Eden because without our dads (they are all brothers) we wouldn't be here. Everything points back to him.

 

I told him(his headstone) about what his family has been up to lately. We cleaned off a few graves that needed some love and paid our respects to another family member. After such a long day, I came home to the person I love the most and watched Cars 3.

 

I don't regret going because it really does all go back to you.