Happy Birthday Ezra!

In less than twenty minutes my sweet love will be five years old!! I am so proud to be his mom. He fills my heart with so much love. I'm tempted to wake him up at midnight like my dad used to do for us and sing to him but I know he needs his sleep plus I need to hang his Star Wars banner. I'm so excited to grow with him and walk this path of life with him. As he grows and learns, he's teaching me and I'm growing and learning as a mother, daughter and woman. It's such a beautiful cycle. I just hope he knows that he is loved, wanted and such a crucial part of our family. Without him, we wouldn't be who we are because he makes us so much better. 

With that being said. I'm going to go wake up my little love to wish him Happy Birthday! 

Sometimes I cry because People are nice to me

I’ve noticed something incredibly amusing about my relationship with my brother. We bond over movies and my son. Tonight we took Ezra to see the Incredibles 2 and it was INCREDIBLE (in the words of my soon to be five year old). He was absolutely enthralled with this movie. Even I was just like WOW it was worth the 14 year wait lol 😂. 

I’m onto my second summer class and I’m kind of antsy about how it’s going to play out. I’m having surgery in two weeks and it’s the same week we have a group project due. 😑 I absolutely LOATHE group projects. My last CLC was abominable so I’ve been dreading having another one. It just seems like the wrong time to be honest. Sigh, it will all work out. At the very least I’ll email my SA and let her know what’s going on if I feel like I don’t have a handle on it. The class is at least semi interesting. It’s about testing and assessments in Early Childhood. 

I got my mentor review back from my last practicum and it made me cry. I don’t think my mentor teachers understand how much l love working with them. The JCC is such an amazing place to observe and work with I absolutely adore the facility. I got to work with a different age group and it was really interesting and fun. My heart was full when I left. When I read my review and they had such nice things to say I had a weepy moment. I just wish they knew that I appreciate the opportunity to observe their students because they are really cool kids. 

Ezra and I have made a one hour commitment to each other everyday to play uninterrupted. For one hour we will do whatever he wants: trains, LEGO’s, painting, walking, reading or his homework....WHATEVER. Just that he can have some uninterrupted time with me before I get tunnel focused on homework. He was really excited when I mentioned it to him and so far it’s been working well. 

I whacked all my hair off again. I’ve had this bad migraine for almost two weeks and I just got irrationally mad at my hair. Like it’s not my hairs fault I live in Satan’s buttcrack but here I am and it’s several degrees lighter on my head. Not all impulse decisions are negative ones. Now I just have to not dye my hair or like go bald bald 🤭 although...

It’s nearly one am...I should be sleeping. However I’ll go do homework 🙃

Father’s Day

Father’s Day is always a weird time for me. Not only is it my grampa H birthday but I always have complicated emotions about how to celebrate it. In truth I don’t hate it as much as I do Mother’s Day. I enjoy celebrating my father. He is quite amazing even when he irks my nerves(I irks his too). 

My dad stepped up when my sons father disappeared and has been the only father he knows. He taught him how to ride a bike. All th stuff my dad did with me and my brothers, he does with my son. He doesn’t have to but he saw a void and he stepped in to fill the need. My father even volunteered in my sons class this past year when I was unable too. He does a lot for us, for Ezra without being asked and this is his day. 

I think it’s just hard this year because I’ve been doing the work and trying to grow and self reflect. It brought up a lot of old uncomfortable memories. Like the year I had Ezra his dad spent Father’s Day with us, and he got butthurt cus I didn’t give him a Father’s Day card. -eye. roll- 

Every year right before his (ez) birthday I have this physical/mental/emotional replay of the events leading to his birth. It’s incredibly traumatic and draining. It doesn’t matter what I do different who I cut out. It’s just annoying. 

This past week my hearts been racing. Literally beating so fast I thought it was going to fall out of my chest. Anxiety is a cruel mistress. Nothing has helped to slow it down. Theoretically it should all stop after his birthday shenanigans. Hopefully. 

Self reflection is a twitch. 

vague posting

Vague posting

I’ve been feeling too overwhelmed lately to post. Lowkey want to take a break from it all to try and get a handle on things but that wouldn’t solve a thing. Ezra’s excited for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face when he opens his gifts. He’s such a bright young man, I’m so proud to be his mama. This summer we’ve been exploring music that isn’t trash and he’s loving it. I’m loving sharing these different groups/artists with him, it’s such a rewarding experience. I am incredibly tired. One of my new medications makes me ill but this is life. I have one more day of practicum and one big assignment to turn in. Last week I was out for the count with a migraine/head fuzzies/back pain so I’m praying this weekend goes better. 

I need to update my reading list. We are doing the summer reading challenge this year. Maybe I’ll try tomorrow after class. 

Night. 

peace

There is so much peace in keeping stuff to yourself.