Pocket Notes

As a parent it is incredibly hard to watch your kid struggle socially. The past few weeks have been hard. I don’t like seeing my kid unhappy. It just hurts. I know that it takes a special child to appreciate my son in all his quirkiness but where is that kid? 

In HeadStart we had Isaiah and Adriel, who adore Ezra but they aren’t in his class/at his school this year. I know that hurts him because we see them before school and he just wants to go back to Melissa’s class. The kids in his class haven’t exactly been nice and Ezra’s not meek of manner so it’s been a chaotic week. 

Because I know my kid, I’ve been writing him pocket notes for his teacher to read to him when he’s having a hard time. Ezra is such a compassionate young dude and I loathe that my baby is disliking school. I remember that school was like this for my brother too and I hate that I couldn’t fix it for him and that I can’t fix it for Ezra either. 

Bleh! My back is going out and I have a policy board meeting tomorrow:/ I’m still going to be on the board but as a former parent volunteer. I’ve had the best time working with everyone and I want to continue this learning experience. It’s helped to make me a better person and for that I am grateful. 

I am Awkward Hear Me ROAR 🐯

There is nothing more special than the love I have for my son. Today was such an amazing day. We had a really rough week at school and it was nice to just focus on Ezra and spend time together. I never realize how much time I spend on my studies until I take a Saturday to just enjoy my kid and my family. 

Today we had breakfast together and made plans to go shoe shopping and buy our science project supplies. We went with mom and dad to the shoe place and they had an amazing sale going on. Everyone got shoes and I even splurged and bought myself a pair of shoes in addition to the two pairs Ezra got. True to nature mom copied me 🙄 and got the same type of shoes as me. I really like them and am excited to see how they hold up during practicum this week. 

After that we had lunch and hit the library. Granted I didn’t stay as long as I normally do but I LOVE going to the library. I love it even more now that I can share that time with my son and my parents. We picked up the supplies for the science projects and Ezra finished most of his hw, so that’s a win win. 

Honestly I’m really geeked about the science experiments we did today. I’ll be the first to admit that I SUCK at getting baking soda into balloons. I probably needed bigger balloons or something but Ezra heckled every time the balloon would burst in my face smh. Once we figured out how to do it both of us were so geeked to see how the carbon dioxide(vinegar plus baking soda in balloon and water bottle) filled the balloon with air! I think Ezra liked the density/sensory aid experiment the most. We made the water a deep purple and added gold and silver glitter to it before adding the food coloring. Ezra keeps trying to figure out why the oil hasn’t changed colors to match the water. Next week we are going to do an experiment with celery and food coloring. 

I am awkward hear me roar: So. At the shoe store we ran into a guy that I know casually because he’s a friend of my cousins hubby. I am awkward and feigned ignorance when I knew he recognized me. However, he was really nice to my kid and helped us find the shoes he wanted. I am just unbelievably awkward so idk what to do about that except continue to be me. 

Writing: I am having the most cathartic experience writing this..series of short pieces that all fit together to serve a deeper purpose about my life experiences. Granted certain revelations make me cry but it’s not weighing me down emotionally any longer. I don’t think I’ll ever be close with my family again but maybe getting some of this stuff out will help me move on with my life. I don’t think I resent them/her as much as I did but I know that I don’t want them in my life. It’s just weird to see how certain experiences have shaped me as an adult. And not just that but how as an adult I look back at certain memories and it’s like...wow so that’s what was going on. Introspection and reflection. 

Homework: today I helped Ezra make a thinking map for school about the things that are important to him and the people that matter to him. My mind was really blown away by what he picked as important and his reasoning. Like he picked this photo of Colin Kapernick kneeling on the football field right? His reasoning was because he watched it with dad and he likes watching football with dad. Or he picked this picture of a book because he loves to read with me. He drew a picture of his best friend Isaiah because he’s special to him and he misses him. I might have had some moisture in my eyes when he started drawing pictures of his uncles. Like my kid is amazing and people don’t understand everything he is or his potential. 

School: I wish that kids weren’t so...cruel. My kid has a great teacher. She doesn’t mind that I blow up her email and she really seems to care about my son. I know(underlined like seventy times) he’s a lot to handle in class but she gets it. Even the principal is pretty amazing (I’ve said it before) when it comes to working with Ezra and trying to find out what’s going on. If this public school thing doesn’t work out dad wants me to homeschool him like I originally planned. Things/finances will work themselves out because he comes first. Always. I’m the only parent he has right now and I have to keep putting him first. 

Random: dealing with the emotional blowback from this surgery is..a bit much. I honestly thought emotionally I would be okay with everything now. The possibilities for the future are a bit overwhelming. 

exhausted

The thing about colds is that they trigger his asthma. I dunno what it is about other children but he always gets sick. Instead of sleeping I’ve got a coughing five year old in my bed. The coughing makes me nervous. Eventually my dad will wake up and come get him so I can sleep before the alarm goes off but I wish his asthma would just not. He’s tired and I’m tired and this is wholly ridiculous. 

Let's Play a Game

Let's play a game where I don't turn horrible shades of purple when really attractive (seemingly normal) men notice me and make eye contact. Yeah, that was my trip to the library today. Smh this is the second time I've seen him and the third time he's made eye contact with me. I have no idea what is going on here. I've never had "traditional" dating experiences so what is life!

I am just so mortified that I blushed like that, I could've melted into the floor. If I see him next week I'm going to TRY to say something to him. Hopefully I won't blush but I doubt it.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Last Saturday, Ezra and I did science experiments with vinegar, baking soda and rice. It was so much fun and I'm planning to do some more this weekend. I'm taking a science class so he's a experiment guinea pig again. I don't think he minded though because I allowed him to mix everything. I think if we do a playdate with his best friends we might do a science experiment. That is unless I get caught up talking to their mom, she's pretty cool.

I am burning through my library books. It's ridiculous but it is a good stress reliever and I really missed reading. The more Ezra sees me reading the more likely he is to continue to love reading. I'm going to experiment with some different types of literature and get him this new comic book that is coming out called "Ironheart" by Eve Ewing and Kevin Libranda. The cover art is FABULOUS so I'm going to pre-order it and see what happens from there. If he LOVES it I will start building a comic book collection for him. All reading is valid reading and I just want him to keep loving to read.

I've been working on my personal writing project the past few weeks and I'm really pleased with how it's going. I've got to figure out how to tie the chapters together but I love what I've put down so far.

Time to go get my love!

Self-Awareness doesn’t Negate Trauma

Today I had therapy. At some point during our one hour session she tells me I have PTSD. Not surprising but over the past few years I thought I had gotten better at masking certain things. Apparently I was mistaken. She says I’m “extremely self-aware” and I’m not really sure if that’s a compliment or not? But at some point I had to shove all my broken pieces into a box and do things different for my son. He deserves a different childhood than his father had and than I remember. 

She asked about my childhood and I don’t remember large portions of it. Certain things stick out but not for good reasons. Grampa dying. Living in hell until the fire. And then I remember things. But before that it’s just sporadic. 

I literally vomited words all over her for an hour and fifteen mins. She asked if I felt bad for freezing people out after what I learned this summer. #noregrets Secrets are festering wounds in families, they do more harm than good. 

As a completely separate issue, I’ve come to realize that when people don’t respect the boundaries I set in my life regarding my family, I cut them off. I’ve drawn this line in the sand and I refuse to cross it. The fact that someone who knows why the line is there tried to force the issue is just so upsetting to me. If I’m quite honest I thought I was being dramatic about it until today. I drew this line for a reason, to protect my peace and my child. Childhood traumas folks. Protect your peace. Get your healing. 

In other news, therapy has me at a weird mix of wanting to cry and curl up in bed. However, life does go on and so must I. Mom helped Ez with his homework today and she was incredibly patient with him. He reminds me so much of Sam when he was that age. Just so smart and compassionate. I don’t know what I did to deserve Ezra but I’ll never stop thank God for choosing me to be his mother. He is the balm to my heart and I didn’t know I needed it. 

Sunday 🌞 Vibez

It is so weird to be sitting side by side doing homework with my kid. Cool but weird especially because we have different homework musical tastes. He keeps changing the music on my computer and it’s aggravating af. I guess that could be because I keep stealing his snacks but turnaround is fairplay. He’s completed almost everything from the days he missed at school and I’m formatting my final paper. 

Still a bit peeved about yesterday but it is what it is. Eventually he’ll have to understand that Ezra has a whole other family who loves him. Whether or not he likes them doesn’t matter because I’m Ezra’s parent not him. And creating situations to prevent me from bringing my kid to see his family, especially at a time like that isn’t cool. All it does is cause division and hurt Ezra and no one wants that because everyone’s goal is for Ezra to know is family. BOTH SIDES. 

I cannot wait until we find another car. {end rant}

Sad Chats

Thunder has always had a cathartic effect on me. After today I want to get lost in the rain and just let it wash over me. For the most part it was a chill day. I worked on my final paper most of the day and made a lot of progress. Did some cleaning and remembered to eat lunch today. 

However today I told Ezra about his great gramma and it wasn’t really what I was expecting? I told him that God needed her more than we did and he called her home, just like what happened with GG(my grampa). He was kinda puzzled and asked if he could call her in heaven and I said he could tell God what he wanted her to know and he would tell her. Then we read this book I have called “what happens when dinosaurs die” and he had some questions. 

Then he says “mom your sick too are you gonna die”. Like my heart just dropped out of my chest cus I don’t know the future but I told him not anytime soon. He said he’s mad that God took her away from him before he could tell her about kindergarten. He’s sad. And he’s scared now that his dad(my dad) is gonna die cus he’s “old”. I was honest with him that it’s something I’m scared about too but dad takes good care of himself because he loves us and wants to be around for a long time. 

This really wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have with him. But I’m proud of myself for doing it alone. I’m getting stronger. One day at a time. I’m doing this. Ezra and I are a team and together there are no limits to what we can accomplish or get through. I’m proud of him for showing emotional maturity and expressing his feelings; the anger, sadness and his confusion at why God did this because it’s all normal and part of the healing process. He even asked how I was feeling and I told him I was sad because I loved Liz. It just freaking sucks. 

Tick Tock it never stops (:

Let me start off by saying a big whopping BLAH! The kid has been sick the past two days which means he's been upset because *drumroll* he's missed school. Thankfully we have the homework packet and in between bouts of coughing and throwing up due to coughing too much he was able to knock out a few days worth of hw. Now that the cough is under control and he slept most of yesterday, depending on how well he does tonight he's going back to school tomorrow. He misses his teacher already and the cafeteria lol.

Still haven't figured out a way to tell him about Miz Liz. I'm going to bust out the dinosaur book tomorrow after school and fumble my way through it. He's perceptive af and he knows something is up. This just blows. I don't even know if I'll be able to bring him Saturday because its dad's birthday :/ this whole thing is just not good.

Due to high levels of stress and anxiety in my life I visited my favorite place and we got more books! *cackles in evil librarian voice* Ezra is utterly thrilled to be filling the shelves on our new bookshelf. I just love books and we picked such amazing ones this time. We get amazing ones every time to be honest because I never pick duds. I've finished all my library books so I'm gonna try to visit the library tomorrow after I drop everyone off at work. Maybe I can spend some quality time in the stacks and really peruse them for some quality books w/o Ezra and mom rushing me to just pick something.

Ezra wrote me the cutest random grocery list today. I'm glad that he's taking the initiative to keep practicing his handwriting with me. I need to remember to pick up his few items or he'll be a fuss bucket after school. Who knew he'd love post it notes so much but can't say I blame him because they really do come in handy.

I should err on the side of caution and head to bed since I know I'm gonna read for about 30-40 mins before I crash. My latest book is REALLY interesting but dredges up some complicated feels.

Joy and Pain: the Cycle of Life

This post is hard for me to write because it's mixed with positives and an overwhelming sense of sadness. First however, kindergarten last week was amazing. He came home from his first day extremely happy and just bursting with stories of the new cafeteria and the big boy playground. His second day brought more happiness and smiles and he loves his new teacher (so do I but then I already knew she was amazing because I met her last year). He's a little bored with the homework because it isn't what we were doing in homeschool but I told him we have to let our classmates catch up. He is such a mature kid and I love it.

Mommy had a rough first day of school and was really anxious and as a result I cried most of the day. Due to the crying and emotions, I got a lot done like two loads of my laundry, my dads traveling laundry, two loads of Ezra's laundry, vacuumed the floors and the air vents and swept the kitchen. Seeing him and hearing about his day reassured me that everything was cool. The second day went easier emotionally and he brought me home a art project lol I love it!!


Sad shit time.

Miz Liz passed away Saturday night. I am really freaking bummed and have no idea how to tell Ezra. Liz was always really welcoming and nice to me. And she loved Ezra. She really loved my kid. I'm really happy that I saved all the cards she sent him so that he will have these memories when he gets older. I know that death is a natural part of life but this just blows. I am having a hard time processing what I'm feeling because she treated me better than my own grandmother. She always made us feel welcome in her home and she always called to check in on Ezra and was interested in what I was doing and how school was going. Even when grampa died she called to check on us and she didn't have to, I'm happy that I was able to get to know her these past five years.

holy mackerel

As of tomorrow I will officially have a kindergarten child. Holy green beans. He’s excited and nervous. We had a great time at meet the teacher yesterday and made some new friends. I am just so proud of this young man I’m raising. He’s more than I’d imagined and more than I knew I needed. Kindergarten is going to be a great year for us.