post from the archives

Somehow it came to me that I have the most complex perspective of friendship.

Tonight I realized that I've changed over the past five years. I'm less trusting, according to my father. He's not wrong. The emotional experiences I've had with men, namely my son's father have me at NOPE times 25. I distrust the intentions of adults. It's bled over to my personal relationships. I mean, I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm less naïve than I was in the past, but I miss the easy way I had with people in the past. Even with people that I trust with my life I've become distant. idk. It's weird though. Maybe I'm going through one of those growth changes again. I have no clue.

L.B.
Today I wanted to call her. I just felt the urge to talk to her. I'm still having a hard time accepting that she's gone. It's different when you lose someone you love who you view as family even though it's not blood related. My family doesn't understand why I loved her or the impact she had on Ezra and I. I never had to wonder where I stood with Ms. Liz.

I'm so tired.

My Son is a Potterhead!!!

Today I did a thing. Ezra has been asking me to get him the Harry Potter books the past few weeks. Ever since we watched the movies he has just been enthralled with Harry Potter and Hogwarts. So today I went and got him the first three books from my favorite secondhand bookstore. He was beyond excited to open them and gave me the tightest squeeze in the world. Although my voice is limited, I started reading him the first chapter tonight. I didn't get too far before my voice crapped out and gave way but he was so into it he didn't want me to stop. I also got my mom a mug from her favorite sci-fi show, Dr. Who. It's got something called a Daleks on it and she was super geeked. 

I am still trying to get over this bronchitis/laryngitis thing so I'm staying away from my practicum kids. I can hardly talk without coughing up stuff and that isn't conducive to helping students with learning their phonetic sounds. I miss them though, it's not the same seeing them after school at the pick up line. We have parent teacher conferences this week and I'm excited to see what progress Ezra has made so far this year. He's everything I never knew I needed. 

I have this follow up appointment that has me so...worried. I've been trying not to obsess over it but it's really hard. Luckily I'm sick so that is a great distraction for me. Hopefully I'm 100% better by this weekend. I want to be able to read to Ezra without hacking all over the place. Reading to Ezra is one of my greatest joys in life. I love how books excite him and reading encourages his curiosity. Books are life. 

I also got Ezra his very first comic book and he loved it. I mean, who wouldn't love a brand new Black Panther comic! Watching him lay on his floor and page through books just lights me up. He reminds me so much of my brothers when they were little, laying on the floor flipping through books. 

I think I covered everything...Ezra becoming a Potterhead...anxiety about this damn dr appointment...and awesome Black Panther book...

The World Keeps Spinning

Every year around this time, I get bronchitis. It never fails. I tried to pretend it was just a cold but once the voice was completely gone and the burning in my chest intensified I stopped pretending. After visiting the dr to confirm what I already knew 😑 I am now at home coughing all my lungs up and wondering am I going to be able to do practicum/volunteer work this week. 

When I’m sick I definitely see where my son gets his flare for drama from. When I came home I told him I was sick and he started shoving cough drops down my throat. Apparently cough drops restore your voice back to you. If only the Little Mermaid had of known that huh. He keeps bringing me water bottles even though I haven’t finished the other six he brought for me. He’s my little sweetie, he doesn’t even mind that I’m being a baby today. 

I got to be mom volunteer this week and it was so fun! His teacher always tells me he’s so respectful and compassionate but it was nice to see it in person. He followed all her instructions and got all of his classwork done every day this week. He even got treasure box everyday! I am just so proud of him. He was so excited to see me he kept running to me and squeezing the stuffing out of me. His classmates were pretty nice too. One little girl kept calling me “Ezra’s mommy” even though I told her they could call me Ms Stacie. 

Planning for Christmas:

I’m debating on getting Ezra some type of Nintendo DS. I’d have to see which games are available for his age but I think he’d enjoy it. I’m going to see if they have some type of roblox esque game. That would be easily monitored I think. 

Tired. Night world 

Expecto Patronus!

This weekend has been* one giant Harry Potter binge fest. I swear each time I watch this movie I get more and more upset when Sirius dies. It literally makes no damn sense, like can Harry catch a damn break. Like I know tomorrow that Dobby will die and I will get so upset and cry but I'm still gonna watch it. Truthfully, this was the selfcare I needed while I did homework.

This group of students has me worn out. I'm sure the exhaustion is probably related to the back spasms and other things too but I'm finding it challenging this year. I've never had a student resist everything single thing I've tried to reach them. I got some great advice last night from a teacher (teachmrreed) and his network of educators, so I'm going to implement that this week. Overall I am enjoying my time with her class because I like seeing what each child brings to the table. There's one kid L who is just so incredibly smart. She's like a tiny adult and she knows so many unconventional words. Or Z who I absolutely adore! He pretends like he doesn't know how to do his work so he can talk to me but he's not fooling me. Or M who I never know what she's saying because she speaks so fast and with a high pitch. But she always has a big smile on her face no matter what.

This year is "the" learning experience of a lifetime. So many different possible situations exsist within that class. Everyday is a learning experience.

In other news, my throat is unbelievably sore. I swear if I get strep throat this year I am going to sob. I got it three times last school year and its unbearable. I'm drinking hot tea so hopefully that helps some. I'm almost halfway through my reading challenge so I changed the goal to 350 books this year. I've done a lot of reading since January and most of it was pleasure reading.

New Level of Tired ACTIVATED

Today was a truly challenging day. I had a student who just refused to cooperate or do his work and it started to affect the other students at his table. His behavior/actions started off a chain reaction of unpleasant behaviors. It was a ROUGH morning. Today I truly began to appreciate teachers everywhere and especially the teacher I work with. Some days can be super chill but some days or weeks can take a lot out of you.

I have never had a student blatantly disregard everything I say. It was definitely eye-opening. The upside to everything is that I'm learning a lot this year about classroom management with difficult behaviors. I feel like that will come in handy when I have my own class.

The absolute great thing about being at the school everyday is that I get to see Ezra almost every time I leave the classroom! I adore seeing him engaging in learning and playing with his friends on the playground. I met his new friend E and his mom and she seems cool. She wants to get together so the boys can play. Oh! I am going to be a mom volunteer on Fridays now! I am so excited to be active in his new class. I adore my practicum students but this will be an unwinding experience.

I am seriously worn out today. I have NEVER had a practicum this... chaotic. After chasing him around all day I am just pooped. I can only imagine how my practicum teacher is feeling tonight. Tomorrow I have appointments and I plan to CRASH between them cus this is a new level of tired I'm experiencing.

Miss Stacie is in the Building!

I love my practicum students. I love observing them and getting to know their little personalities. I love when I figure out how to motivate certain kids to participate and do their work. I adore how happy they are to see me when I walk in the class. It’s literally the best feeling ever. 

This past week I worked one on on with J and he actually did really good. He’s got a long way to go but I’m confident we can get him there by the end of the year. We played a letter/sound recognition game this week. For the students who were more advanced I had them give me a letter/sound AND word combo. Some of the words the advanced students came up with were amazing. 

I’ve been feeling kinda poopy but working with the kids always makes me feel better. Not to mention that Ezra and I found some really cool readers at the bookstore this weekend. Anyone who knows me knows books are my happy place. I’m going through a book a day lately. I missed reading. 

I’ve got a meeting after school tomorrow so I’m gonna spend the day preparing for it. I’d much rather immerse myself in my latest book but I have to be a grown up sometimes. I’m a little nervous about it but I’m making the right choice so it will all work out in the end. There have been so many changes and so much growth this year. This is just one of them that I’m somewhat equipped to handle. 

Bullies

Life is stressful for kids in school. I never truly remember that until my son has a rough day and he takes it out on me. Kids can be jerks and it really blows that my kid is the target of their jerkiness. Ezra is such a sweet kid and it irks my soul that these...kids are treating him like this. 

So today some kid “L” CUT A HOLE IN EZRA’S FAVORITE SHIRT AND DREW ON THE BACK IN BLUE MARKER. I was livid, LIVID on just that alone until Ezra told me what the kid had been saying to him. Now I’m super mad and angry because this “kid” is affecting my son and his kindergarten experience. I notified the ladies in the office and told them answers better be forthcoming but she didn’t know anything about it. I emailed his teacher and I was abrupt but I don’t care. I mean business. 

My child, my womb fruit is hurting and I have to be professional because I do my practicum there. There is so much stuff going on that I’m not putting on here that is just a lot to deal with. At times, briefly I wish there was someone by my side for this but that doesn’t appear to be God’s plan for me. I’ll just tough it out and advocate for my kid like my parents did for me. 

My son is a special person. I wish everyone saw what I saw and understood him the way that I do. I just hate seeing him hurting. But tomorrow is a new day, a better day. For now I’ll just hold him a little bit longer because I can tell he needs it. 

late. late. post.

This past week has been a complicated mix of good and not so pleasant things, which has left me feeling overwhelmed. It’s as if I’m wading through a pool filled with poop and an air freshener tied to my forehead like that would hide the smell (and utter grossness). Life is mad complicated that way. 

Starting with the positive things, my Monday meeting was amazing. I’m planning to stay on the policy board as a former parent /community member. I’ve learned so much the past year and met a lot of amazing people. It’s an experience worth continuing. 

My Wednesday practicum was so fun!!!!! I’ve been assigned a student to work with and I’m looking forward to it. He seems like a really sweet kid. I got to see Ezra during the school wide assembly. He kept waving his arms at me across the cafeteria lol. I ran into teacher Melissa from HeadStart and she looks adorable pregnant. I was jazzed for life that day. Like I wasn’t even paying my body(pain level) any attention. I have so much fun when I'm working with the kids, they seriously light up my life.