On the Record

I don’t know why I let the lack of communication from those who supposedly “love” and “care” about my child bother me anymore. 

He has a network of people that go out of their way to be there for him emotionally, spiritually and physically and that’s more than I can say for most of his biological family. I keep telling myself that this persons behavior is a nonissue because he doesn’t really know her. But I know that if/when it’s brought up she’ll attempt to place the blame on my shoulders again. 

Keep that energy. I refuse to allow this to affect my mood. At all. My kid is well loved by those who choose to be active in his life that I don’t have to chase down. 

FOR THE RECORD:

We make time for what’s important to us 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Christmasy Stuff 2018!

It has been so nice to just relax with Ezra without looming homework deadlines hanging over my heads. We've watched holiday movies, wrote letters to santa, drank cocoa,  and sprinkled magical reindeer dust all over our yard! I think the highlight was spending most of yesterday in bed with him watching the holiday Nailed It. He loves watching baking shows with me especially nailed it! It was just nice to reconnect with him and listen to his giggles. Plus he was so excited to open his gifts and give us his. I thought his gifts were really thoughtful for a five year old. He knows I love Christmas so he got me a gingerbread man ornament that says "worlds best mom". My heart melted a bit. He is such a thoughtful little guy. He said thank you after he opened all his stuff and he even told Eden his new blanket was super cuddly and he loved it so much. He wasn't lying that thing is amazing. We spent today learning how to play his new DS thing and the games. Its a fun unit, I might get me one if I'm being honest. 

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I wanted to watch The Legend of Frosty the Snowman but Netflix is PLAYING GAMES AND TOOK IT OFF RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Doggone shame that's what that is! So he watched some Christmas movie with Mike and I watched a multitude of cheesy Black Christmas movies. It was relaxing and probably just what I needed after such a rough academic year/semester. 

OMG it rained today too! Weird right? But it was so nice! Ez and I were eating tamales and he was watching it from the window. Those tamales were fire too. I want to order some more because YUMMY. He refused to eat them because he's a tiny hater but I'm confident he will taste them next year. He tried greens this year so there is hope for him yet. 

This was the first year we didn't call Miss Liz, and it was weird. I did text her daughter but she never responded. I honestly wasn't expecting a response though. That first year after we lost grampa, I wasn't feeling very Christmasy myself and she lost her mom. She's probably feeling way worse than I was that year. It takes time to grieve so I get it. 

Goobs called though and Ezra was so excited to show him all of his new gifts. He was so into his new train additions that after he showed him his stuff he gave me the phone back and took off. I hope Goobs had a good day, he's had a rough year. He deserves to be happy. 

So it's late and I should probably go to bed now. My eye is doing that tired twitch thing it does when I'm overdue for bed. Enjoy these pictures of ugly cookies the kids made on Saturday! 

Ugly Sugar Cookie Sweaters and Ninja Gingerbread People

Our STEM project from last week! 

We built a trebuchet to trap/catapult the gingerbread man! 

My friend made elves for Ezra and Gavyn!! 

Model we used for our STEM project! 

Ezra's new calendar: "mommy I freaking love you!" 

I win at Christmas!

Gift from his amazing teacher who he adores (it was so cute)

Gift from my mentor teacher who he says loves him

 (also super cute book)

His new weighted blanket from aunt Eden! 

omg its so freaking SOFT!!! (ITS MINECRAFT he's in love)

Test Update and Ugly Sweater Awards!

Updates: I tentatively passed my super important test I took Tuesday. I’ve been cleared for Student teaching next fall and I’m excited/terrified/thrilled/elated that this journey is coming to an end. When I picked Ezra up after school that day and told him I passed, he gave me the biggest hug and said he knew I could do it and he was proud of me. That had me choked up a little bit. My baby had the faith in me that I lacked. It was just what I needed to remind me that everything I’m doing is for him. He’s the reason. 

Today was a really great day spent with my cousins making ugly sweater cookies and ninja gingerbread people. We(I) tried to make frosting and can we say #fail but it was so fun lol 😂 Next time we will just buy the icing. We are going to plan to go to the B2K concert next year 🤤🥰😍 (incase you can’t tell how I feel about certain group members) so we can hang out away from the kids. Hers always whine about being bored (my house lacks certain electronic game devices they enjoy 😂) and mine is so high energy he makes us both tired. Plus seriously that line up is a dreaaaaaam lol 😂 

I just finished wrapping most of the presents except the “big” kahuna and I am so ready to be done. I’m glad I got a early start this year. When I have other kids it’ll be easier because I’ll have to limit myself as to presents per child. But with just one kid...and buying year round things can get a little out of control. Thankfully I’m a sale shopper and I don’t buy a damn thing full price 🙃. 

We are supposed to have I suppose a late breakfast with my estranged brother today. It was supposed to be dinner but 😒 of course everyone has to change their schedules to accommodate him. Yes I’m salty. Yes I will probably be salty during breakfast it’s my prerogative. He invited his roommate to what was supposed to be a family thing and it’s gonna be even more awkward than when he brought her to my kids birthday party and she talked shit about my parents. I know she’s gonna have something to say about my mom staying home (she’s sick sick). I’m just not feeling it. 

Ugh. I gotta change my mindset. Time to meditate ❣️ 

Super Important Test

My test is tomorrow and inspite of studying for the past six months I am feeling woefully unprepared. The teachers/staff I’ve spoken with have reassured me that I’ve got this and not to psych myself out but I’m just really nervous. A lot is riding on this test and I know I know the material I just need me to not choke. I might need to practice one of the strategies the kids use when they get overwhelmed. 

If you read this just send me good vibes and prayers that God stimulates my brain and helps me pass this test. 

Compassion

Sometimes I am truly made aware that I am raising a remarkable young man. Today while I was doing my mom volunteering hours, one of his classmates was really missing a family member (due to circumstances I won’t mention). He was crying really bad and Ezra just wrapped his arms around him and tried to console him. My heart aches for this little guy because he is such a sweet kid and loss is hard to deal with at any age but it’s really difficult for children. 

I was just struck watching Ezra interact with him by the realization that “hey mama we’re doing something right here” our parenting is working. His teacher told me that Ezra always shows empathy for other students and I was trying so hard not to tear up. My kid is awesome and I am in awe of the man he’s becoming. 

Titilating Tuesday’s

Sometimes I am truly incapable of understanding people. Why deprive your children of the company of their peers because you’ve got a bee in your bonnet? Socialization is a big part of children’s development and even I know this and I’m antisocial as all get out. 

In spite of this I had a really great day today. I am loving watching how everything is just clicking all of a sudden. My friend needed some guidance today but I’m still proud of the way he stayed on task once he found the path. Sometimes kids just need to know someone is proud of them for just showing up and trying. They don’t always have a cheerleader at home and if I can be that person, I will. This little one needs a lot of love and consistency and for a few hours a day he gets it. 

Today I did the craft with the kids because our mommy helper didn’t show up. 🙃 we were just supposed to be making Santa’s but we went over the shapes of the pieces as well. We have to take advantage of any opportunity to reinforce what they’ve already learned right?

Flare Up: LISTEN. I’m so over arthritis. So over my body going into defense mode and trying to shut down(extreme exhaustion). 

Ain’t nobody got time for that- Ancient Black Proverb

I hurt all the time and as a result if I’m not moving my body just falls asleep. I’m just gonna pass on that. I’m not old yet. 😑😒

Arthritic Monday’s

LATE POST. I FELL ASLEEP LAST NIGHT BEFORE I COULD HIT POST.

I’m sitting in the middle of an arthritic flare up. My right eye is twitching insanely and all I can think about is the damn results from my biopsy. They should’ve called me last week. Last Monday to be precise but I’ve had no call yet. It’s impeding my ability to study for my test 😭. 

Oh. My test. I’m freaked. So there’s that. I’ve literally sacrificed friendships, fun, and socializing for this degree. To basically pave the way for Ezra and i’s future and the first hurdle is here and I am nervous. *frustrated noises*

In other non-frustrated news today was relatively chill with the kiddos today. My student did all his work by himself which freed me up to work with another friend who needed a bit more attention today. I told him I am incredibly proud of him. I hope he internalizes that because I am so proud of him. I realize it can be hard for him to want to do his work but he tried really hard today. 

Local Author Book Festival!

I am having such a horrid time writing these last few chapters. I just can't write what I know needs to be written. I think that it could be because I'm not ready to be done writing. This has been such a cathartic experience for me in so many ways that I don't want to let it go. Realistically I know that once I'm done I still have to go back and edit it but it's not the same as just writing it. sigh.

So this weekend we went to the local authors book festival and it was so much fun!! We met a ton of local authors and bought a few books. There was this one book with this really cool bright blue dog by this author named Eileen Pieczonka ( website here ). I'm telling you it was the most vivid blue dog I've seen in a long ass time. Plus she was just super nice and friendly! Gah! I love meeting local authors. I also got to see my faaaaave author Kristi Grimm who we met last year. She wrote this book called "Mommy Tell Me a Story about a Plane" and Ezra absolutely adores it so we bought him a copy and she autographed it for him (insert heart eyes and  here is her website ). Her husband illustrates all of her books and they have a set of books for young adult readers too. Then we met a elementary school teacher who wrote a book called ""I Wish Someone Told Me... Elementary Teacher Edition her website is here. Then mom and I met this really amazing author who wrote a book called "Woot" whose name is Janice Lipsky. I particularly liked her because she included a CURRICULUM GUIDE with her book including common core standards for grades 3-7. I was so geeked by this. It's a chapter book and not at all suitable for kindergarten but hey ezra is gonna be reading chapter books soon.

Here are some photos of some other books we saw

Doughnuts with Dad

Doughnuts 🍩 with Dad

I can’t say I’ve been dreading tomorrow because I haven’t. I’ve actually come to a place where I’m okay being mom and dad and I accept that sometimes I’m gonna need my dad to step in (like tomorrow) because sometimes Ez needs a man. And honestly he was so excited to ask my dad there was no way I was gonna get in their way. My dad loves this stuff and I love seeing how happy he is after spending time with Ezra at school. It’s cute af. 

NanoWriMo Update: I finished out the month 641 short of 50000. I moped and pouted for 24hrs and promptly wrote the final 641 words and I’m continuing on with my novel. I’m on chapter 24 now and tying up loose ends. I’m SO doing this again next year!!!! But I’m gonna try to plan or something or maybe take planning lessons from my friend. She’s sooo good at planning. I just kinda wrote and let the words fall where they needed to. 

My back went out again this week. Upper back this time and I’ve spent three days stuck at home. I miss the kids (students) so I’m going in tomorrow since I’m mom volunteering anyways. I dislike not feeling useful tbh and I am more useful there than here. I like helping my practicum teacher. I enjoy working with the students and interacting with the other parent volunteers and staff members. Adult interaction (in limited controlled settings) is nice and I’ve discovered that I prefer it in the educational setting vs social settings. I can handle this. The other not so much, too much opportunity for missteps. 

Tonight. My child. Read me one of our cvc books! I was so excited for him! He was literally done with my shit but I could tell he was proud of himself. He kept smirking at me like yeah I read this book all by myself. I SO wanna start the goosebumps books but we haven’t finished Harry Potter yet lol 😂 I keep losing my voice 🤷🏽‍♀️