Holiday Sickness

It feels like every year around this time I get sick. I’ve been sick every Christmas break ever since I had E. Just ridiculous. In addition to my bones burning and my hands throbbing again, my chest is now on fire from coughing. Yuck. 

Aside from that I had a good last week volunteering. Finished up all the testing and was able to spend one on one time with the students. If I don’t end up finding a job right away I’m going to come back and drill with the kids in January. 

I’m thinking* of getting certified to teach the upper grades. Like I don’t think that my jam but one of the guys I was talking to said not to limit myself financially. It makes sense so we’ll see. 

We had a play date today with B, Ez and their friend E (and his siblings) after school got out. They played for over an hour until B got kicked in the face and stepped on by some other kids. Smh. I love those kids. After we made it home I tried to read but fell asleep and ez covered me with my heating blanket (helps when my body hurts). He’s such a considerate kid. I adore him. I still have to wrap presents but he’s being sneaky so I’m waiting. I don’t want him breaking stuff. 

Gratefulness

Over the past three years in therapy, we've been discussing how to talk about our BIG FEELINGS and Tuesday I just couldn't do it. Monday, I sat my class down and I told them that Tuesday would be my official last day with them and how much I really loved all of them. I was really sad about it. I am still sad about it. I love those kids. Tuesday, I dressed in my cheeriest outfit because I was feeling blue and came to work put on my Christmas jazz and we started our day. Those little jokers surprised me and got me a present and a hug line. Each one of my kids hugged me and told me how much they loved me. When I started crying they just hugged me harder. One of the twins A said she was going to miss me so much and I was her favorite teacher but not to tell. My little one who struggled so much but made so much progress because he's hot and on fire gave me a big squeeze and a tiny smile. His mom showed up later on and gave me a present and made me cry. I got to do something that I really enjoy and that I truly love to do and it just makes me so grateful.

I know there are big problems with public education but I'm there for the kids. I'm there for the little smiles and those kids that want to learn how to read or write their parents notes. I'm there for my teacher friends who get stressed and need a laugh or a reminder that it's going to be OKAY. I'm there for my son because he needs to see that I am happy every single day working with little kids just like him. Even when my body is hurting I love being with my students because they have the most unique perspectives on life. They are always trying to do better and to make me proud of them. When at the end of the day, I'm just proud of them for showing up and trying their hardest.

Teaching is hard but it really is incredibly rewarding because when your students grasp a concept that was once too hard, it just fills you up. Their successes are your successes. I am so incredibly blessed to have grown so much as an educator in this last placement. Ms. V really helped me to just spread my wings and fly. Just no words. Gratefulness.

My Body Hates Me

Oh my lord my back went out and this has to be the most unheavenly pain I’ve experienced in awhile. Sitting, standing it doesn’t matter it feels like my bones are burning. There are literally flames shooting up my thighs into my spine. What hell is this? Good news is I got most of my late homework done. I just need to make a reflection video, professional development plan, revamp my teaching website and learn how to walk by tomorrow morning. I have playground duty and I can hardly stand without tears pooling in my eyes. Yes. This is life. My current goal is to somehow get our the bed to put up my glasses and remote. likely hood of this happening again is slim to none.  I am aware of my current physical limitations.

I GRADUATED!!!!

Last night I took 5,800 steps and became a graduate of Grand Canyon University. It was one of the best moments of my life next to becoming a mother. I feel so exhilarated, happy and full of life. I was smiling so hard. I could hear Ezra screaming my name when I walked across the stage. I'm so happy that I went. I am so grateful that my family was there for me. I graduated in the top two percent of my class with a 4.0 as a Summa Cum Laude (which was unexpected af) and I'm so grateful. After the ceremony Ezra gave me the biggest hug and screamed "we did it mommy!!!" That just made me so happy knowing that my sweetie is proud of me. That was the best feeling in the entire world. 

Anxious Anticipation is Annoying

Today I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I dislike this feeling immensely. Right now I’m feeling panicked. This is a big freaking week and I’m overwhelmed. I’m trying to take the small nuggets of good and think about that instead of latching onto the rising and rolling waves of anxiety that threaten to knock me over. Something as small as I got out of bed on my own is a big accomplishment. My body keeps trying to quit but I need to be able to move this week. I refuse to use a cane at my graduation. Just no. I feel like when there is something that could potentially be good my body acts up and it just causes me to panic. Like yes it’s a reason to be upset but maybe I just need to meditate and realign myself before work tomorrow. 

I start at my new placement tomorrow for training and I’m nervous(can you tell?). I’ve missed the school so much but I think I’ve changed as an educator. Or rather I’ve matured and grown to frame that better. The things I experienced in my other placement forced me to grow in ways I didn’t realize I needed to grow. Which was a good thing because now I’m more prepared than I was in the past.

 I’m just looking forward to seeing how much the kids have grown since August and practicing better time management skills because NANOWRIMO is steadily approaching and I am READY to complete a new novel. 

Time to meditate this anxiousness away. 

Today was amazing

Today was such a great day. I generally avoid play dates during the school year because homework but its Fall Break and I decided to live a little. We went out with E's best friend and his family today. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. His mom is really chill and laid back and I had a lot of fun talking with her while the kids bounced and jumped from one place to the next. Her youngest kid is just so outgoing and super friendly. I can't wait to see him in school next year, he's not going to have any trouble making friends. I think the kids jumped for like an hour and change before we went to go eat. I don't usually click with the other moms but I really enjoyed her company. Her husband is really mellow too. He volunteered a lot last year so I would see him when I was working with the kids.

E told me he had a great day today. That made me so happy. I love knowing my little one is enjoying his life. I'm glad that we have this time together before school starts next week because it is going to be CRAZY. Right off the bat I have a all day meeting Monday, meeting before school Wednesday and then graduation on Thursday and he wants to do this event at school Friday. I already know I'm going to be exhausted because I'm still sick (shocker) but I promised I'd try to go. I love seeing my students interact outside of class and I love seeing E "hang" with his friends so more than likely I'll suck it up and go. At some point this week I need to figure out what to wear to graduation (eyeball). sigh decisions!

Two More Weeks!

You know that moment when shit is getting real. And things that seemed real outta reach because of health and physical chronic illness issues are just coming to pass and your just a bit in shock? That moment is now. I’m at the less than two week countdown and I’m just still in shock that I did it. I made it. My grampa would be so damn proud of me. I’m even a little proud of me. So many things were in my way. My body was the biggest obstacle and I still did it. Like you know things are looking good when your therapist tells you your not the same woman you were three years ago. Because I’m not. I’m different now. I trust myself. I know that I’ve got this. I’m just lowkey excited for my son to see me walk. He deserves that. This was as much for him as it was for me. He deserves the world and I aim to give it to him. 

Precious Angel

I’m sad. Someone I considered family passed away and it just threw me for a loop. I got the call Wednesday and I’ve been trying to justify why I’ve been feeling so sad ever since. My nephew is 12 almost 13 and she’s been a part of my life all that time. I’m just sad that I’ll never see her smile again. I never expected that phone call and I probably didn’t handle it well. I don’t handle death well and all I could tell her mom today was that this fucking sucks. Because it does fucking suck. She has two beautiful daughters who need her. I don’t understand this but then again I never understand His reasoning. 

Today I spent time with the family at her celebration of life party at the tattoo parlor. There was just this undercurrent of emotion. Everyone was keeping it together and I just didn’t feel like it was okay for me to feel that sad if they were all being so brave. Everyone got something that reminded them of her and was stoic the entire time. But when I went to leave to pick up Ezra from the house with the rest of the kids, I stopped outside to talk to her mom and my heart just broke. No parent should ever have to go through what she’s dealing with. You can be the strongest person in the world but losing a child can just break you down. And her heart is broken right now, my cousins are hurting right now. 

Being with them today made me realize how many important moments of my life I’ve shared with them and just how much their family means to me. They took me in all those years ago and when I had my son they loved him like he was their own. I just cannot fathom going to another event and not seeing her smiling face or her not giving me crap for something. My life is richer for having known her. It just sucks that I never told her that. 

My heart is full of sadness 

tired

Today was rough. I'm over today and nearly everyone who played a part in it. Except four people who text me while I cried in a bathroom at work. They are the MVPs of the day. Them a four year old who somehow knew I was crying in the bathroom and gave me a cold water bottle to drink. One week left.

Let Me Be Great Why Don’t You!

I am struggling right now to just move. My bones are acting up again. I’m so stiff and it just is this never ending ache. I’ve been feeling crappy all week and this is literally the first time in a long time that I haven’t gotten my homework turn in on time. I’ve either fallen asleep putting my son to bed or fallen asleep at the computer. Thursday night I woke up at midnight and the last thing I remembered was him patting my back. Like he goes to bed early, and my body quit on me stupid early. Friday it happened again and when I asked my dad why he didn’t wake me up he said I needed my rest. I mean, yeah I do but I need this GPA more. 

Ugh, I’m really at the point where I wish my body would just not do this. Right now my left foot is swollen. No idea why or when it happened but it is. But tomorrow I will be at school and with my kids doing what I love to do. Pretending with all my heart that I am not in mass amounts of pain. I can fake it until my drs appointment. However if she brushes me off AGAIN I swear on all that is holy and righteous I am going to scream. I know what the ER dr said this is but I want to hear it from HER mouth. This has been going on for too long for her to have not bought a damn clue.

 

I am also still fighting my cold from the beginning of August. I really just need to buy stock in a tissue company and just call it even. 

At least my throat isn’t as scratchy and dry as it was. Now it’s just my nose being aggravating and draining in places it shouldn’t drain. One side of my throat is swollen but it’s not super annoying like it has been. I just know that I am easily aggravated by adults so I hope she doesn’t try to rush me out the office like last time. That was some bs. 

On a separate note, Ezra made his Christmas list and he wants me to extend his bedtime and “let him be great”. I swear I giggled out loud as I walked to my moms room. All she did was say “see I told you you’d give birth to yourself”. This child told me it doesn’t cost anything to let him be great and stay up till nine. However it costs MY SANITY. Go to bed and let me do homework and stare at my ceiling fan son. Let me be great. Smh. I love him tho. Might even fuck around and exten his bedtime by a half hour it he plays his cards right. 

Let’s circle ⭕️ back around though because I have been so freaking overwhelmed the past few weeks. This week in particular I went to my sons school and saw my mentor and told her a bit of what’s been going on at my student teaching site and it was like a tiny weight had been lifted. Only to crash back down again. I didn’t realize how much I valued those relationships and really the friendship they gave me. I really just need to be able to do something to take my mind off of everything 

Todavia Estoy Bendecido!

Well, I am completely overwhelmed and that is okay. It's not to say that I am not enjoying student teaching because I am. I love my cooperating teacher. Her energy is infectious and she's so positive.I love her TA. She reminds me of my Madea and made me feel super comfortable the first time I met her. I love my students. I am so excited to see them every morning because they make me smile. I've fallen in love with them as I tend to do with all the kids I have the privilege to work with because I have a lot of love to give. There are so many positive things about me being able to give back to the organization that did so much for me and Ezra when I was a nuerotic anxious wreck. There's just one thing. 

I'm not okay with being hit. I didn't realize I was as stressed as I apparently am about this kid until I had a nightmare about them. I was at my son's school in the workroom talking to the kinder team and the principal and I broke down crying. Because of this kid who has hit me repeatedly. Screamed things I'm not going to repeat. He's kicked me. He's pinched me. It's a daily occurance(over 20 days). It got to the point that my CT is keeping him away from me. We've asked for support from her superiors. None was given. We've recorded video of his behaviors. And still nothing. I have less than three weeks at that site and I want nothing more than to ENJOY my time with these wonderful kids without this person doing the things they've doing to me. It's stressful teaching with the under those conditions. 

I just try to remember that I have 19 other amazing kids who adore me and look forward to seeing me every day. In spite of that one person, I will really miss them when I'm gone. I've been blessed to see so much growth in such a short amount of time. I was able to use a lot of the stuff I learned at BC to help them with their fine motor skills and it shows. One of my littles was able to use scissors independently for the FIRST TIME last week and the look on her face was just priceless. I made friends with siblings from PR and they've won my heart over. The brother loves dinosaurs and every morning at recess I teach him the name of a new dinosaur and he teaches me a new Spanish phrase. His sister loves to sing the Lion King to us and I love her personality. I could probably tell you one thing about every kid in my class. There's a set of triplets and they are the most loving kids ever. They never fail to give us all a hug before they go home for the day. I'm seriously going to miss that. I have one little guy who gives me the most amazing hugs for no reason. He just runs up and hugs me just because. He's got such a big heart. 

Every day I learn something new about myself as a teacher and as a mother. It's been hard to be away from Ezra but I think we've both grown. We appreciate our time together more. I won't lie though, I miss my friends at BC. I miss my students from there. More importantly I miss taking my own kid to school and hearing about his day after school. I am so grateful to my dad and my brother for helping me out. He LOVES having them handle drop off/pick ups. I'm starting to get excited about graduation. Just a teensy bit. I'm ready to be at the next part of my life. Ezra and I deserve all the amazing things that are about to happen. 

I am still blessed. 

First Week of Student Teaching

I am completely and utterly exhausted. I had a great first two days of student teaching but Lordy it has been exhausting. I’m glad I’m experiencing the first few days of school, because otherwise I’d be coming in blind next year. My class has a lot of cool little kiddos in it. We are on go from 730-400pm and the school is HOT af. It’s been muggy and the air is like gross even indoors. It’s nasty. But I’m having fun and learning a lot. Ez had a meltdown at school today and completely shutdown. It was after hours but still overwhelming. I am overwhelmed and it’s okay it’ll get better. 

The Future Awaits ❤️

The Future Awaits 

Life: I am rapidly losing interest with TB. I don’t like men who require ego stroking. But at the same time, he makes me laugh. I know I confuse him, he’s said as much. Oh well. 

Ezra and I are getting ready for back to school. I cannot believe I’ve got a first grader!! I’m doing my first semi-official meet the teacher, as a teacher/parent. I’m excited/nervous. At some point within the next month I’m going to have to tell people the “news” because my parents are chomping at the bit. But I just want to savor it a bit more. I told my four people, my inner circle ⭕️ and just left it at that. I am elated. I wish my grampa was here and could see this moment because I did this for him.

I’m a little anxious about Ezra’s drop off and pick up schedules. I have no idea what time I’m gonna need to be at school for my A session and I need to make sure he has some type of consistency. More than likely I’m anxious about nothing, everything will work out. I should probably go to bed. We have therapy tomorrow. 

Music: I am completely in love with Daniel Caesar’s new album. I rise and fall with it. I’m gonna download Spotify on my new computer so I can listen to it while I write. I’m also trying to get into Lizzo. I like this one song by her she made like two years ago. I promised my friend I’d listen to her for three weeks before giving up. I’m just really distracted by DC’s album. I’m listening to it now. It’s smooth like a shot of whiskey. There’s this song with Brandy on it that I ADORE. 

Writing: My writers block is GONE. That part of my story I was struggling with I wrote. I owe it all to TinderBae. Now I’m wrapping up the story and I’m feeling super optimistic. I’m writing other stuff as well. Small poetry pieces I think might accompany the book. I haven’t decided yet. But I’m writing again and that’s really all that matters. 😍

Health: My new bone dr is trash too. My last appointment was ten minutes no exaggeration and she didn’t listen to anything I said. 🙃 My bones are on fire every single day. They spasm every single day. I wake up exhausted because my body is fighting itself while I’m sleeping. This is life. On a separate note, I have another procedure scheduled soon but I’m gonna push it up so it doesn’t interfere with my teaching schedule. I don’t want to be all anxious about the results during the school year. 

six years later

Ezra 

I never realized how much I was floundering in life until I had Ezra. I was just existing to exist and then along came this unexpected person who just shook everything up. Even when I was in the deepest darkest spaces of depression he broke through and gave me a reason to keep moving forward. He forced me to grow up. 

Today is his birthday and we spent it in relative calm. We had an early morning call from his great Aunt B which took the place of Miz Liz. She sang to him and I appreciated that because I hadn’t sorted out THAT conversation yet. I still miss Liz and I wish I could’ve told her today about my good news. I know she would’ve been excited for us. But maybe she’s watching over Ezra and she already knows and is happy for us. Here’s to hoping. 

Today was just really chill. His other gramma didn’t call (wasn’t expecting her to and she’ll probably give me an excuse on Saturday). His cousins called him and they had the cutest conversations. His uncles called him and he told them about his new jersey shirt he got. But he just wanted to cuddle with me most of the day. 

We talked about the day I gave birth and looked at the pictures. I told him I was really blessed to be him mom and thank him for choosing me. Because he chose me for whatever reason. He saw something in me and knew I was the right person to nurture him and guide him. Six years later I’ve got this amazing child who I’m completely in awe of. He’s faced ridiculous challenges but it’s never kept him down. He adapts and keeps pushing forward. I’m so proud of him. 

I can’t wait to celebrate him again on Saturday with our friends and family. ❤️

So over this

Pain. It seems to control every aspect of my life. Sometimes I can be perfectly okay to wade through the murky waters. Yet other times, like today it takes every ounce of strength to simply put one foot in front of the other. Even holding a conversation with a nice guy is seemingly impossible because the pain comes in waves each one stronger than the last. Eventually I’ll have to tell him what’s going on but for now he’s temporary. 

End of the School Year Post

When you study great teachers... you will learn much more from their caring and hard work than from their style.

William Glasser

It’s been...a week since school let out and two weeks since kindergarten graduation. I’m finally in a place where I can think about that without dissolving into a puddle of tears. I think I spent the entire last two weeks of school either in tears or snapping at Ezra. Both of us were dealing with high anxiety about the changes but we were patient and had lots of cuddle parties. 

Kindergarten graduation was amazing. I recorded the entire thing and cried the entire time. Ezra had a line during the performance “I learned the alphabet” and he rocked it so hard. They sang cute songs and I could hear his voice above the crowd. When they started awarding the certificates of completion it was over for me. I think because I worked with every single kindergarten kid this year, I felt really invested and proud of them. For some students I cried more than others because I know how hard they struggled. When they called Ezra he hugged the principal and hugged his teacher so tight, he didn’t want to let her go. I’m so proud of them all but especially my kid. He had his own set of struggles that we tackled this year and came out on top of. He’s an amazing kid. After they were done, Ezra tackled my dad and told him “I’m a first grader now!” Gah!

He was able to meet his first grade teacher. Which is really good and i think it’ll help with the transition. But let me tell you that the last day of school was ROUGH for me. Like that week I tried so hard to stay busy. I helped his teacher moves classrooms(we’ll be in a bigger room next year) and helped my boss upstairs. I helped another teacher do some sight word assessments. Like I was trying to stay BUSY but that last day of school I knew that assembly wouldn’t work for me. I’m a crier. It’s okay, it is what it is. I finished up some errands in the kinder wing: popped five bags of popcorn for a farewell movie I made for Ezra’s class, hot glued some picture frames for my other kinder class and moved the last of the stuff to the new class over. But I cried the entire time. I cried so much I had to repair my mascara twice. Thought I was calm and went to the first grade promotion where my student Andrew was, and lord knows Andrew has a special place in my heart. Tears dropped the whole time I was there too. They thanked another teacher and I for coming in and helping and gave us class yearbooks (I cried). Andrew gave me a hug and introduced me to his dad and I told him his son was special to me and I loved working with him the past two years. I go back to kinder to get Ezra and I am completely undone because one of the teachers is crying (it’s her last year), a few of the kids are crying and we are sending off the 6th graders. The third graders were crying and I’m trying to hold myself together and then Andrew runs over and hugs me. 😓😭 needless to say it was an emotional day. 

I absolutely loved working there. I feel like I learned so much from all of the teachers and staff members. While I’m sad that schools out, I’m excited to be back with them next semester for student teaching. I feel like I wasn’t just an employee or a parent, they treated me like a friend. They encouraged me to start dating again and told me that my past mistakes don’t define me as a person. Which is still something I need to hear from time to time. I don’t think they know how much they’ve helped me to develop personally and professionally, but I am so grateful for their friendship and mentorship. 

I have no idea how they don’t get emotionally invested with their students but maybe that’s something I’ll learn over time. The two teachers I’ll be working with I’ve been working with and they have a lot of knowledge to share. 

Kindergarten Graduation 🎉

My heart overflows. I officially have a first grader. The kids AND the teachers have been soo sneaky the past month. I haven’t been allowed near rehearsals nor have they talked about anything related to the graduation ceremony. Even today they kept me distracted so they could practice and plot. Once it was close to time, Ms. A kicked me out of class and told me to “go be a mom!” Lol. 

I was okay until they marched in and Ezra saw us and started waving and jumping. Then all the kids saw me and did the excited wave 👋🏾. Once they started singing it was game over. I was gone. Waterworks started. Mascara was a running. My eyes steadily dripped during the songs about meeting their teachers and eating too many green jelly beans. Some of the kids were crying as they sang which made me cry (can you tell I’m a crier). 

When Ezra did his speaking part I sniffled louder and Ms Debbie can and stood next to me. At some point my mom stood up by me and Zaveah’s mom came and stood by me too. 

Once they started calling the kids I had to wipe my eyes. When they called Ezra he ran up to the principal and gave her a tight hug, then hugged Ms Valentino and then hugged Ms V so tightly I started crying in earnest. He really loves her. I do too. She has worked wonders with my little guy. He didn’t want to let her go. 

I just did a lot of crying today. The kindergarten team got me a card thanking me for helping this year. But is it work if you enjoy what you do? I love coming there and helping them even when I don’t get paid. I love the kids. I love trying to find solutions to problems the kids are having. And when I read the card I got all watery eyed and my student said “Ms Stacie why are you crying are you okay?” 

I’m just having such a blast this year and I’m not ready for it to end. I think packing these classes up and the graduation and all these thank you’d are just driving it home that summer is here. And even though IM NOT READY the next leg of my journey is starting. The next stage of Ezra’s journey is starting. 😭 its all going so quickly and my heart is just so so full. 

Mother’s Day & Teacher’s Appreciation Week!

I used to have all these complicated feelings about Mother’s Day. It made me so sad and frustrated because the person who made me a mother never acknowledged or lived up to his end up to the bargain. But this year it’s different. I had a sense of excitement or maybe a better word is giddiness? I owe it all to my son and his teacher. 

Everyday he’s come home with writing projects about why he loves me. He wrote the most unexpected things down and it just made my heart so incredibly happy. During OT he made me a beautiful beaded necklace which I wore Friday and showed off to ALL my coworkers. All the students noticed it and loved it. When I told them Ezra made it, that just made it so much more cool. 

I found out that my son loves my hugs and he thinks I’m sweet. He loves my cooking too. He thinks I have soft hair and pink eyes. He said that he loves to hug me because I smell like bobos and home. With each paper he brought me my heart just opened a little bit more until it was wide open. I love this kid so much. 

He made me feel so special this year. He painted my nails and gave me a hand massage. We planted a flower together and made bracelets. And we took goofy pictures and then I read him, Braelynn, Braelynn’s mom and Eli a story that made me cry. The Mother’s Day Tea was a success and it made me feel special, not just as an employee but it made me feel SEEN. Appreciated. Like Ezra appreciates all the hard work and things I’ve willingly given up for him. 

Like he’s older now and we have these talks and his big thing is why didn’t someone marry you after you had me. I always tell him “you and me, we are doing just fine and God hasn’t created our person yet. Someone who will stick through the good and the bad and love us for always. Mommy doesn’t NEED to be married but the GOAL is to get married before we have a brother or sister.” And it works but I can tell it bothers him a little. I just keep telling him that we are a unit and we are good. We want for nothing and he’s loved. I make sure of that. 

I digress. This week has just been great, amazing, fantastic, wonderful, superb, orgasmic! It was Teachers Appreciation Week and I was feeling the love all over the place. One of my students made me a wooden owl with earrings, cute lips and colored it nicely. She’s so sweet. The kids have been running up and hugging me randomly. The principal has been giving us little treats which has been cool. I felt kinda awkward taking them because while I have my teaching certificate I don’t consider what I’m doing “teaching”, but she does. I got fussed at for not allowing myself to be appreciated this week and towards the end of the week I tried to let it go. 

I love what I do. I love working with the kids and trying to find solutions to their problems. I love when I can get Andrew refocused and he gets his work done. I love when my son bring a home papers with NEAT handwriting 😭. I love LOVE when Nasir actually does his work and I can say “I’m so proud of you!!” and his little  chest puffs out. I love being their person to love them and get them on track when they get off the rails. Because sometimes all they need is love. 

Graduation is in December and I’m so excited. Ezra’s graduation from kinder is next week and I am both elated for his journey to first grade and sad that he’s growing up so doggone quickly. 

Mysical Musings

March

Life is just flying by lately. That ball of bitterness that used to be my crutch in life, well at some point I let it go. I’m pretty sure it happened over the last six months or so. These changes feel recent..this lightness feels new. It’s nice to step from behind something that’s held you back from so long and to do it on your on. Purposely. 

I spent a lot of the past few years hiding in other people’s shadows. On purpose. If you asked me why I wouldn’t have a good answer.  I’d give you one for sure but the answer would leave you dissatisfied. Those people were another crutch for me and it’s not their fault. They weren’t hip to what I was doing. 

Living life in other’s shadows is good for no one. It breeds discontentment and resentment. Stepping out into my own light has been an awakening. A rebirth. A resurrection. Which is apt because my name means resurrection. Taking those first painful steps into the light constituted the first steps towards my rebirth and I am left grateful. 

Incredibly grateful to the strangers who became friends and mentors. Who unknowingly lent me strength when so many times I was ready to give up. Who provided a shoulder to lean on and impartial advice on how to get “me” back. These people who’ve become so important to me because they see potential and excellence, where I often have a hard time seeing my strengths. I’ve tried before to tell them how important they were to me and how they impacted my life but they just don’t understand yet. I know that at some point I’ll have to really clue them in to what I’ve been through to get where I am. But for now I am content to just be. 

I am content in this moment. I am happy to my core. I wake up excited even when my body is on fire. I enjoy the people I work with because each day they teach me something new. Every day is a new journey. 

It’s true that you never know how much you impact someone’s life, I am living proof of that. 

Flares & Love

This latest flare up has my mind slightly muddled when it comes to school. I’m trying so hard during the day to stay upright that once I’m home it’s just over. I really wish my doctors were willing to be open as to what they think is causing all of these flare ups and pain. My cousin and I think we know but we aren’t drs so 🤷🏽‍♀️. 

In spite of the pain, I am enjoying my time with my students. I’m just being super mindful of how my body moves. Almost to the point of obsession. Im taking the other teachers advice and sitting when I can and bending responsibly. I was covered in patches today and that kept the throbbing to a dull minimum. 

I am feeling really hopeful though. I’m learning a lot at work. I love to learn and to grow from  other seasoned educators. There is so much to gain from them even if it’s just from watching their conduct with students. I am going to miss them next year. 

Spring Break, Play Dates, M and Loss

While I have thoroughly enjoyed spring break this year, it has been bittersweet and heavily emotional. One thing that I've learned over the past two years is that the little ones that I'm blessed to work and interact with, well they just steal your heart and sometimes they have to leave before your ready. This spring break I was bless to have been able to spend the week with one of those students who needed the love of a mother and is one of Ezra's bffs. We truly had such an amazing week together, the three of us. We went to Peter Piper Pizza, the Idea Museum and our last stop this week was going to the movies with our class. That last day had such a tone of finality for us. I can only speak for myself in saying that my sadness threatened to overwhelm my joy at being able to provide him with the special experience of saying goodbye to his friends and teachers. I cried during the movie at the most inopportune times because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to this sweet little boy. Ezra wasn't ready and when everything was said and done, tears were shed.

All we are left with is our memories and photos of precious moments spent with a treasured friend. I did make him a photo book from our class, filled with pictures of him at school with his friends and his teachers. It's not enough though, I wish so many times that I could do so much more than I can because my child is hurting and so is his friend. I'm learning that while I love teaching I've got to learn to protect my heart because it hurts so much when I can't help or fix all the problems my students face. I've got to stay whole because I've got someone depending on me at home to be his everything. *deep sighs*

Aside from the emotional turmoil of letting go that was spring break, we had a lot of fun. Everyday was packed with friends, playdates, activities, the park, soccer, and anything you could think of to occupy four growing boys. One thing I did learn however is that it is exhausting having more than one child. All I did at the end of the day was fall asleep at my computer. Just ridiculous. Today Ezra had his own adventure per the norm and I had my alone time and I was so tired I just completed half my assignment and then crashed. Like I'm still recovering and we go back to school in two days.

This new season of growth is just blessing us all around and while I'm sitting in sadness in this moment, I know it's just for a moment. Tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll smile again. I might get sad when I see my students empty seat but I just have to pray and ask God to watch over him and cover him in protection. I'll just hug Ezra a little bit tighter everyday in the meantime!

Pictures from the Idea Museum!

This Month Rocks!

February has been an amazing month so far. So many big changes for me and I am just happy about them. The only downside is I don't get to see Mrs. E everyday or the kids. I miss them but I see them in the hallways and on the playground. I really want to make Mrs. E proud and do my absolute best. She's been such a big part of my successes both academic and now professionally so I just want her to be proud of me. I am having a blast though and I am enjoying seeing how other teachers run their classrooms. I even learned something new about how they are teaching math and while I find it EXTREMELY confusing. I think it will come in handy. I think as I spend more time in that teacher's classroom during that specific lesson the math will make sense (well the way she teaches it anyway). I understand the reasoning behind teaching it in a visual way but seeing those squares, lines and dots are highly confusing when your used to doing math the "analog" way.

One huge plus is that I get to see Ezra more often during the day, in the morning and the afternoon. He's still getting used to me being "teacher mommy" but its nice to be an even bigger part of his learning and know that I am a part of his success. He's READING now and it is just the coolest thing ever. I keep recording him and saving the videos. He's slowly gaining confidence in his abilities one book at a time. We are using the readers that Mrs. E gave us and just going through them. We are going to go to the library tomorrow so I can get some books since I have one more week off school and to find him some more pre-readers. I think if we stick with pre-readers and level one readers for a few months, it will boost his confidence. Before school is out I'm going to get a copy of the next set of sight words so that we can work on them over the summer. He can read about 50 out of 100 right now and he's got to be able to read 100 by the time he enters first grade.

Oh, I met the lady I want to be his teacher next year. She's amazing, structured and I really think that he will flourish in her class. Her teaching style is similar to Ms. V and when I entered her class and saw her in action my scalp tingled. I just know he'll do well in her class.

I'm just living my best lifeeeeee and so happy about it!

Aquarian Reflections

I wanted to try and rehash January since it's been a really great month for me (and Ezra). Yesterday they had an assembly to honor the student of the month(s) and Ezra was honored. It was a really amazing big deal for me. He's made a lot of progress this year and I am so proud of him. I've got to get a picture frame for his awards so I can hang them on his wall. He got to walk in the school spirit parade and get high fives from everyone which made him feel really happy. 

I'm still feeling really optimistic about this year. I love it, it's a great feeling. 

Housekeeping: I read an article that said reflection is a great way keep things in perspective and plan out next steps. SO I'm going to try to do this once a month using the questions/guidelines they provided so I can adjust my plans as needed. 

Questions: 

• What is my happiest memory this month? 

My happiest memory this month was Ezra surprising me on my birthday at school. Between him, the teachers and my students I felt really loved and appreciated. Not that I don't already feel appreciated but it was nice to get all the hugs and cuddles from the students. It was genuine and that was really nice. It also let me know that Ezra didn't forget my birthday like he was pretending and that he really loves me. 

Another happy memory was everything "clicking" for one of my students. It's like he came back from break and everything from the first few months of school had just settled in his brain. He's proud of himself and I love it!! 

• What is the one lesson I learned and who/what was my teacher?

One lesson I learned this month was to trust myself more because I am capable of doing great things, even when I don't feel ready. I had a really important meeting that I was really nervous about but when it finally happened, I did well. I just had to have faith in my abilities and to trust that whatever happened would be God's will. I guess in this instance I was my own teacher because I guided myself and pushed myself along. 

• What stress or concern worked itself out?

I was really worried about getting my student teaching application turned in on time but ended up turning it in with a week to spare. So that was one less thing to stress out about seeing as it was one of the only things I was worried over. 

• What area(s) of my life did I make the most progress? And the least progress?

I made the most progress professionally this month. I got my student teaching application turned in and reached out to the schools I'd like to student teach with. I'm hopeful that things are going to line up in my favor. I got my TB shot so I'm good for another year or so. I'm just excited. Like I'm nervous as all get out, but as Mrs. E says I just have to throw myself out there. I know she's right too. I think the least progress has been made in therapy with the exception of today. We've hit a wall but something tells me it's gonna be lifted soon. Even with us being stalled we've made a lot of progress and I feel like we should be proud of that. 

In other news: 

I went to a BEAUTIFUL WEDDING last Saturday. My friend and her husband renewed their vows and it was so freaking beautiful. I even wore a dress, just for her. I've been to a few weddings and hers was special. She was glowing. He was glowing. It was really great. 

Photos:

The Sun Rises and Falls with the Curve of Your Smile: Happy Birthday 🥰

It’s my BIRTHDAY 🎁 

It’s different to feel fulfilled on your birthday vs feeling like your needing something 

It’s such a blessing to feel..fulfilled emotionally on your birthday instead of feeling emotionally lacking. It’s different and hard to describe. Today was much more than I expected in so many ways because I woke up expecting nothing. I just wanted to spend my day with my students doing what I love and then go home with my son. 

Ezra and his teacher surprised me at school with a birthday crown. He came to my class and my students sang to me 😭🥰. I am so uncomfortable with praise but it was just the sweetest thing. My little loves kept hugging me and telling me they loved me( in between asking why didn’t I bring them birthday treats). 

When I switched over to Ezra’s class for mom volunteering, the first thing they did was love on me. I got hugs and cuddles. Then they sang me their version of happy birthday and played guess how old Ezra’s mommy is. While I was helping a group of students with a Sneezy the Snowman craft, a student gave me a promise ring. 

This year was just different in a lot of ways. For the first time I wasn’t relying on others to make me happy. I went and did what made me happy today and it just showed. I feel so light almost like I’m floating. Making that conscious decision to love myself and do the things that bring me joy has been the best decision I’ve made for myself.

I love this feeling. Thirty-three is going to be an amazing year, I can feel it in my arthritic bones. ❤️

Happy Dead-Anniversary Goat!

Today is the four year anniversary of my grandfathers death. This year I completely forgot about it which isn't completely true. I acknowledged it but chose not to be sad this year. Instead I decided to spend the day with my students and my son being happy. I chose happiness instead of crushing grief. I really had a great day with the students. If I'm honest it's been a great couple of days. One of the little ones has been drawing me some of the most adorable pictures which are now located on my wall. There's something incredibly fulfilling about helping them and seeing the progress they've made. I love it and I chose that for today instead of falling into the grief cycle.

Ezra keeps reminding me that my birthday is on Friday. He wrote it on his calendar and is so excited. He's such a nerd but I love it. He's also student of the week this week and I'm so proud of him. We did this really awesome poster for class and he got to bring his bear to class today. I popped in his class on my way out the building and he looked so doggone happy. Seeing him happy lets me know that I'm doing the right thing with him. He's my tiny ray of grumpy sunshine.

Anywho here's some pictures that encompass the past few days of my life. Books we've read (We've been learning about MLK and folklore) etc..
And the VERY LAST BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY MY VERY GOOD FRIEND AND ITS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON IN BOTH PRINT AND KINDLE. IT'S AMAZING!! 

This was a really good book, Ez enjoyed it!

His handwriting has gotten so much better! Now we must work on

sentence formations!

Celebrating the 100th Day of school! He dressed up as Dada!

My friend's amazing poetry book! Available on Amazon Kindle and Book format!

WyldChild 👁‍🗨

I am in such a good mood today. It was such a BIG day for me and I did it. I did the thing. I swear if I wore big skirts I’d be twirling around like a carefree child. I know now that if and when I have to do this again, I can and I’ll rock it. *happy squeals*

Today was the 100th day of school today which probably multiplied the good vibes. Ezra dressed up like dad today and it was the cutest damn thing in the world. He even rocked one of his briefcases and some tiny glasses with the lenses popped out. Everyone dressed up so cute, I loved it.

The school did this really cool event called a “money party.” Which was really just a cute way to trick the kids into playing math games. There was one board game that we had a lot of fun playing called Money Bags that I’m gonna try to find for him. I think that would be a fun game for family night. He got to see his friends outside of class and was so tired once we left. 

I decided to cave and lay on the heating pad tonight. My back is having tiny spasms again that I’m choosing to ignore so that I can continue enjoying my wonderful day. But I needed some relief so maybe this will help. 

I’m midway through chapter 27 of my novel. I mapped it out I’m just trudging through it for some reason. Not sure why. 

Anywho. Today was awesome. No complaints at all. I’ll even take the pain and spasms. Yup.