Precious Angel

I’m sad. Someone I considered family passed away and it just threw me for a loop. I got the call Wednesday and I’ve been trying to justify why I’ve been feeling so sad ever since. My nephew is 12 almost 13 and she’s been a part of my life all that time. I’m just sad that I’ll never see her smile again. I never expected that phone call and I probably didn’t handle it well. I don’t handle death well and all I could tell her mom today was that this fucking sucks. Because it does fucking suck. She has two beautiful daughters who need her. I don’t understand this but then again I never understand His reasoning. 

Today I spent time with the family at her celebration of life party at the tattoo parlor. There was just this undercurrent of emotion. Everyone was keeping it together and I just didn’t feel like it was okay for me to feel that sad if they were all being so brave. Everyone got something that reminded them of her and was stoic the entire time. But when I went to leave to pick up Ezra from the house with the rest of the kids, I stopped outside to talk to her mom and my heart just broke. No parent should ever have to go through what she’s dealing with. You can be the strongest person in the world but losing a child can just break you down. And her heart is broken right now, my cousins are hurting right now. 

Being with them today made me realize how many important moments of my life I’ve shared with them and just how much their family means to me. They took me in all those years ago and when I had my son they loved him like he was their own. I just cannot fathom going to another event and not seeing her smiling face or her not giving me crap for something. My life is richer for having known her. It just sucks that I never told her that. 

My heart is full of sadness 

tired

Today was rough. I'm over today and nearly everyone who played a part in it. Except four people who text me while I cried in a bathroom at work. They are the MVPs of the day. Them a four year old who somehow knew I was crying in the bathroom and gave me a cold water bottle to drink. One week left.

Let Me Be Great Why Don’t You!

I am struggling right now to just move. My bones are acting up again. I’m so stiff and it just is this never ending ache. I’ve been feeling crappy all week and this is literally the first time in a long time that I haven’t gotten my homework turn in on time. I’ve either fallen asleep putting my son to bed or fallen asleep at the computer. Thursday night I woke up at midnight and the last thing I remembered was him patting my back. Like he goes to bed early, and my body quit on me stupid early. Friday it happened again and when I asked my dad why he didn’t wake me up he said I needed my rest. I mean, yeah I do but I need this GPA more. 

Ugh, I’m really at the point where I wish my body would just not do this. Right now my left foot is swollen. No idea why or when it happened but it is. But tomorrow I will be at school and with my kids doing what I love to do. Pretending with all my heart that I am not in mass amounts of pain. I can fake it until my drs appointment. However if she brushes me off AGAIN I swear on all that is holy and righteous I am going to scream. I know what the ER dr said this is but I want to hear it from HER mouth. This has been going on for too long for her to have not bought a damn clue.

 

I am also still fighting my cold from the beginning of August. I really just need to buy stock in a tissue company and just call it even. 

At least my throat isn’t as scratchy and dry as it was. Now it’s just my nose being aggravating and draining in places it shouldn’t drain. One side of my throat is swollen but it’s not super annoying like it has been. I just know that I am easily aggravated by adults so I hope she doesn’t try to rush me out the office like last time. That was some bs. 

On a separate note, Ezra made his Christmas list and he wants me to extend his bedtime and “let him be great”. I swear I giggled out loud as I walked to my moms room. All she did was say “see I told you you’d give birth to yourself”. This child told me it doesn’t cost anything to let him be great and stay up till nine. However it costs MY SANITY. Go to bed and let me do homework and stare at my ceiling fan son. Let me be great. Smh. I love him tho. Might even fuck around and exten his bedtime by a half hour it he plays his cards right. 

Let’s circle ⭕️ back around though because I have been so freaking overwhelmed the past few weeks. This week in particular I went to my sons school and saw my mentor and told her a bit of what’s been going on at my student teaching site and it was like a tiny weight had been lifted. Only to crash back down again. I didn’t realize how much I valued those relationships and really the friendship they gave me. I really just need to be able to do something to take my mind off of everything 

Todavia Estoy Bendecido!

Well, I am completely overwhelmed and that is okay. It's not to say that I am not enjoying student teaching because I am. I love my cooperating teacher. Her energy is infectious and she's so positive.I love her TA. She reminds me of my Madea and made me feel super comfortable the first time I met her. I love my students. I am so excited to see them every morning because they make me smile. I've fallen in love with them as I tend to do with all the kids I have the privilege to work with because I have a lot of love to give. There are so many positive things about me being able to give back to the organization that did so much for me and Ezra when I was a nuerotic anxious wreck. There's just one thing. 

I'm not okay with being hit. I didn't realize I was as stressed as I apparently am about this kid until I had a nightmare about them. I was at my son's school in the workroom talking to the kinder team and the principal and I broke down crying. Because of this kid who has hit me repeatedly. Screamed things I'm not going to repeat. He's kicked me. He's pinched me. It's a daily occurance(over 20 days). It got to the point that my CT is keeping him away from me. We've asked for support from her superiors. None was given. We've recorded video of his behaviors. And still nothing. I have less than three weeks at that site and I want nothing more than to ENJOY my time with these wonderful kids without this person doing the things they've doing to me. It's stressful teaching with the under those conditions. 

I just try to remember that I have 19 other amazing kids who adore me and look forward to seeing me every day. In spite of that one person, I will really miss them when I'm gone. I've been blessed to see so much growth in such a short amount of time. I was able to use a lot of the stuff I learned at BC to help them with their fine motor skills and it shows. One of my littles was able to use scissors independently for the FIRST TIME last week and the look on her face was just priceless. I made friends with siblings from PR and they've won my heart over. The brother loves dinosaurs and every morning at recess I teach him the name of a new dinosaur and he teaches me a new Spanish phrase. His sister loves to sing the Lion King to us and I love her personality. I could probably tell you one thing about every kid in my class. There's a set of triplets and they are the most loving kids ever. They never fail to give us all a hug before they go home for the day. I'm seriously going to miss that. I have one little guy who gives me the most amazing hugs for no reason. He just runs up and hugs me just because. He's got such a big heart. 

Every day I learn something new about myself as a teacher and as a mother. It's been hard to be away from Ezra but I think we've both grown. We appreciate our time together more. I won't lie though, I miss my friends at BC. I miss my students from there. More importantly I miss taking my own kid to school and hearing about his day after school. I am so grateful to my dad and my brother for helping me out. He LOVES having them handle drop off/pick ups. I'm starting to get excited about graduation. Just a teensy bit. I'm ready to be at the next part of my life. Ezra and I deserve all the amazing things that are about to happen. 

I am still blessed.