The Flare-Up

I don’t know what it is about THIS flare up but it’s completely ended me. I haven’t been able to walk, sit or lay without wincing or crying since Tuesday. It came on without warning and truthfully I should’ve known something was up. I was hot, the entire school felt hot to me and right when I felt like I was on fire..I bent down to plug something it and CRACK, my back exploded. 

I’m grateful I have a cane in my truck because I never would’ve made it in the house without it. Over the past few days I’ve been stuck in this house, I’ve fallen a few times(even with the cane) because these muscle spasms aren’t like anything I’ve experienced. Even with the prescription my dr sent to help the inflammation, I’m still hobbling around. 

I never realized how much I take for granted taking my son to school. Or even just seeing him in the halls at school. I missed him all week, every day. I’ve gotten used to passing him on my way to special class. 

I’m just so scared of this happening again while I’m working with a student. My friend told me to just bring my cane even if I don’t need it that day. It’s a conversation starter. I’m just embarrassed. I’m thirty-two years old and my body hates me. Sometimes I can’t walk. Sometimes I’m doubled over while pain ripples through my body and it feels like my pelvis/pubic bones are on fire. 

I can’t even get a concrete answer from my drs as to what’s wrong with me. It’s just frustrating. I need to know what’s wrong with my body. Because tomorrow morning, I’m not going to be able to get up without help. I won’t be able to stand up without the cane and holding onto a bookshelf, and that just doesn’t make any sense. I can’t walk my kid to the park or go to the grocery store(can’t drive on these meds). I need some answers.

In other news, depression sucks. So there’s that. 

I miss my students. The end.