Friday, September 29, 2017

“Let me be GRRRRREEEEAAAATTT, “ the mighty Lioness roared!

I can honestly say that the past few days I have been living my fullest life. My son and I have this running joke. Every time he tries to squash my fun I say “damn man, let mom be great!” And in return he pops back with “no (insert government name)//mommy it’s my turn now!”  It’s our thing πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ 

Lately we’ve been doing positive affirmations before school because I started my new practicum placement and anxiety like a MOFO. So I NEEDED us to both have amazing days especially since he’s been missing his class buddy. 

My anxiety was misplaced because my practicum teacher is AMAZING. Her students are awesome πŸ‘πŸΎ and there is one little guy in particular who just zoned in on me right away. I am discovering that I get more out of hands on practicums. So far, I’ve helped/practiced doing minor assessments, led a group word counting activity, supervised three phonetics puzzle groups and assisted two students with staying on task(won’t say more for privacy reasons).  I am having a ball. 

Her class is really interactive and it flows. It’s not chaotic like preschool classrooms but it’s not ridgidly structured like some kinder classes I’ve seen. Her students clearly LOVE her and respect her because they don’t misbehave. If they even sense she’s disappointed they come clean and correct their bad choices. 

Even when the students are doing their table work their is some type of background song to go along with it. For example today they were working on the sight word “and” so there was a cute song about the word “and” playing on the overhead thingy. 

I also got to go to art class with them too. The art teacher was just as nice. They learned how to properly use paint brushes and started painting a watercolor rainbow. In each class, the objectives are clearly displayed and labeled. The rules are clearly illustrated for the kids to see(and consistent in all classes). I think it makes for productive classes. 

And here’s the kicker, not once have I seen a teacher raise their voice or use an angry/agitated tone with a student. 😳 They are always super calm and mellow. I’ve seen teachers from two other classes not including the ones I mentioned and everyone is always super cheerful. I LOVE IT. 

That vibe is really allowing me to BE GREAT and learn a lot. I’m so greatful to have favor because this is really an amazing opportunity. 

Final thoughts: The Quote below was in a book I read to Ezra tonight called “ A sweet smell of roses” by Angela Johnson. It really is a great way to start the conversation with small kids on freedom, equality and race. Plus REPRESENTATION MATTERS. 

Quote“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streetseven as a Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

- Martin Luther King Jr 

 

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

There is No There, There - Gertrude Stein

I swear I had a plan for today that didn’t consist of creating a google doc consisting of emergency resource numbers. Yet that’s what I did, my path is taking an interesting turn this week and I’m not willing to fight it. I’m pretty okay with what’s going on. 

I feel like I keep misreading my classmates tone in our academic forum, but when I have others read the same post they get the same vibe. For the life of me I will never understand why people continually underestimate my intelligence. I don’t know why they try to twist my words when I clearly said what I said. Folks got me twisted. I’m lowkey peeved that there is that person in every class that tries me. She tried to be petty and ended up sounding incredibly stupid when really all she had to do was elaborate on her damn post. 

-woooooooosaaaaaaaw- cus like three hours later I’m still mad irritated. These πŸ₯ got me twisted and flipping in the wind like sheets on a clothing line. 

It’s almost* time to pick my shorty up and I’m super early but we have a Drs appointment so I didn’t wanna be late today. And I dressed super cute cus I got my eye on someone.
  -chortles- 

Final thought- B***h you thought. Hopefully I’ll be less annoyed by the time she responds back to me. 


Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Exhausted Pain Filled Thoughts: πŸͺ Vests 🀀 and πŸ“š

Today I felt compelled to bake a dozen cookies and some cinnamon buns. I do not know why I felt this compulsion. However, I surely answered the call and baked a dozen chocolate chip cookies and five cinnamon buns with my windows open while I blasted my crrrent favorite artists. In retrospect I should’ve seen that any day that starts off successfully is going to end wonky, but I was feeling the groove and missed the signs. πŸ˜’ 

I read two chapters today in my text book, answered my 1st DQ and respond to one classmate before I got THE CALL. Guess who got elected to the HS Parent Policy Board!!!! I DID -celebratory struggle twerk- our first meeting is next Monday and I’m freaking GEEKED. However that’s not the thing that has me bummed cus I was still riding the good news train until I went to pick the kid up. 

So until we find out what is causing these asthma flare ups he’s gotta wear a face mask when he’s outside, RIGHT? Well he’s having complicated feelings about this, angry feelings. I go to pick him up, wake him up and try to put the mask on him and I bend down and pick him up andbmy back said “I THINK NOT YOU +%#*#**>%*£#@8@$” (end cursing). So yeah my body is back in the immense pain I was feeling September 11th versus the manageable pain I could tolerate. 

I took shorty to the library anyhow and bumped into the most GORGEOUS SPECIMEN IN A VEST🀀 and pain shot up and down my back and leg. But I couldn’t help but stare, I legitimately have a thing for vests. So back to the books, we picked out a good variety of books that had pictures of LITTLE BLACK BOYS in them. {REPRESENTATION MATTERS}. 

But I feel like poop πŸ’© so I shall leave you with a gem πŸ’Ž from my convo with my Aqua. 

FINAL EXHAUSTED PAIN FILLED THOUGHTS:  

 When you know the truth you have a RESPONSIBILITY to act on the truth. Remaining WILLFULLY IGNORANT isn’t an option. 

Stop πŸ›‘ running from the truth and do better folks. Hold each other accountable for things, even the things done in the dark! 

Monday, September 25, 2017

Finding Me πŸ•΅πŸ½‍♀️ ... On the Path to You... πŸ‘€

I’m realizing that when I am GENUINELY EXCITED about something I don’t realize how much time has passed. (#nowbumping Ro James- Permission which is obviously my favorite joint atm) So today I did some extracurricular research for a friend on inclusive classrooms for children with developmental disabilities and delays. I hit a groove after my first article and accidentally created a google doc of resources for my friends who have children with Autism. All children deserve to have access to a quality education whether or not their teachers are willing to give it to them. Educators shouldn’t let fear of the unknown stop them from helping the children who need it the most. 

Last night I accidentally(while researching factors affecting development) found a bazillion of resources that I shared with my friends because I was super excited. 

I also found my DREAM JOB while looking for a part time job today and I cried a little bit I’ll admit. *SIGH* It’s slightly out of my reach but it will be MINE one day soon. Two years to be exact if not sooner. 

I decided to start speaking things into existence because I deserve to be happy in life. I refuse to let one bad relationship/KDB ruin my outlook on men. One day God is going to surprise me with a guy who will be my person. He will get my quirks and stimulate me  intellectually. He’ll love my son like he was his own and be the father he never had. We’ll get married and between him, I, Ezra and whatever children we have we’ll take over the world. You won’t know what hit you. 

How do know this? BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS. I’ve been through too much to pretend I don’t want a happy ending. Ezra deserves it. I won’t actively pursue it because let’s be real, anxiety is real and I dislike talking to strange men. However I have been meeting a lot of nice guys during my daily outings so maybe that’s a sign 🀷🏽‍♀️πŸ˜…

Final Thoughts: I LOVE THIS SONG have a gander, I blame my sister friend for putting me onto his melodic voice 😍 

Final Quote: ha! It’s song lyrics ❤️ 
Robert Glasper Experiment featuring Ledsi- Gonna Be Alright
“Just bring me the sunshine with your smile I'll be okay No matter if the rain falls When you call, I'll be okay”

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Pish Posh Apple Sauce 🀷🏽‍♀️⭕️

The other day I was talking to my homegirl T on the phone about how people choose to be willfully ignorant to what is going on in their environment. We weren’t talking about anything current, she was actually educating me about the events that occurred in Waco, Texas in 1993 because she watched this amazing documentary that really spilled the beans. Which eventually lead to me using the word “obtuse”. Obtuse is an adjective that  means slow to understand. She was surprised that I used that word correctly and that I even used it at all. 

It led to an enlightening conversation on American society and how many of you are being obtuse and refuse to see what is right in front of your faces. I LOVE talking to her, she really has such an amazing perspective on life. It’s really refreshing to have that type of energy in my  zone. She’s full of interesting trivia that I never knew I needed to know. 

I’ve always found it interesting how the universe places people in your path right when it’s time for you to experience growth. I have one anchor that steadies me during my seasons of growth, one person that is my guide/sister in my growth journey and one transitional person who fits seamlessly into my life who acts as my mirror. It really is a blessing to have these bonds with these people. 

In other slightly different news, I checked the GPA calculator aaaand in order for me graduate with a 3.9 I’m going to have to pull high A’s in every single class from now until graduation. 😳 Daunting yes but I’m definitely up for it, I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge I’ve set and this will not be the first. 

Quote: Your Elevation May Require Your Isolation-unknown 🀷🏽‍♀️ 
“She was focused on personal growth, business growth and booty growth.” -unknown 🀷🏽‍♀️πŸ˜‚

“I AM EVOLVING AND IT’S SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL” - Unknown ❤️πŸ’ŒπŸ€žπŸ½

Final Thoughts: My teaching advisor at GCU is fucking amazing so big props to him. πŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎ Also my student advisor is as always FUCKING AWESOME and I love her so props to her πŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎ GCU has much work to do with acknowledging privilege but I can honestly say that their TAs and SAs are super awesome and helpful


Friday, September 22, 2017

Poop spelled backwards is always poop, unless it isn't

I've been trying to write this blog post since Tuesday but I've been really struggling to get my balance. I guess to make it make sense I should start at the beginning... My son's teacher called me Tuesday about an hour after I dropped him off at school, and said that he was having trouble breathing. Thus began the whirlwind of my week. So far this week we've been at the pediatricians three times and gotten blood drawn along with a bunch of other stuff that made him immensely angry. I thought*(wrongly) that he would be okay to go to school today because medication but I was wrong and I got called again to come pick him up.

The school stuff I had planned for me, like getting ahead in this class finishing all my reading ahead of time(or even AT ALL) had to be put on back burner. These round the clock treatments and staying at the doggone drs all day coupled with him coughing all night have had me all discombobulated. Fast forward to today, I met with the school I'll be doing my practicum at and after such a not good/stressful week they have a really amazing teacher for me to shadow for this class! I'm so excited!

But at the same time I'm lowkey still worried about my child. Thankfully my dad has a flexible schedule and will be able to get him from school if I'm in class but still...sigh.

Also, in child related news my baby can write his first name *dreamy eyes* I am so proud of him, he's making so much progress in just one month it's incredible. Alas I am exhausted and it's time for his last breathing treatment of the night toodles!

Final thought: Poop spelled backwards is Poop *shrug* no profound shit for you tonight my brain is scrambled.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Finding My Smile Again

"I miss your smile niece, when will I see it again," Renegade said with a smile in his voice. 

It was the most curious of curious conversations we had on the La Jolla Cove Beach September 10, 2017 but it follows the vein of all our conversations over the last few years. He misses seeing me smile. He misses the happy young woman I used to be who always had a smile and a hug for everyone. I don't really remember when she went away. I don't remember where I lost her. I often wonder when she'll return.

Although I will probably never tell my uncle, talking with him almost always brings me to the brink of tears. His concern is genuine, and I can see my dad in his smile. I really don't want them to worry about me but I know that they do. When he says he's worried about me, I feel like it's my dad saying something to me and I feel bad. πŸ˜“

I don't know where my smile is or when it will come back. I'm trying to do more things for me to take back my life and to continue to heal from the past. I'm making new friends(lowkey shocking because antisocial much?) and stepping outside of my box πŸ“¦. I think I'll make a simple list and just start there so that I don't overwhelm myself. 

Simple ways to find my smile:
  1. Do things to make ME happy 
  2. Spend time alone 
  3. Sophistiratchet Nights πŸ˜‹
  4. Sleep more
  5. Give more love ❤️ 
  6. Reflect on life
  7. Practice Forgiveness
  8. Be Thankful 
Obviously my smile list is inconclusive but it's a start. Hopefully next time I see Renegade my smile will be a little bit brighter and it will remind him of the young woman I used to be. 

Self-care was the consistent topic of all conversations I had over the course of my vacation with everyone, strangers included. I had one conversation in particular during the reception that ended with me in tears.  This woman was so insightful, I really wasn't expecting to spill those emotions to her or even to react in that manner. 

I really have to wonder what type of vibe I'm giving off if people are constantly telling me "it's okay to relax" and "take time for yourself". So much of "me" has gone into being the best mother I can be because I don't want Ezra to ever feel a void in his life. But I'm starting to realize that I need to fallback and trust my village and take time to replenish myself. 

Final thoughts: I need to acknowledge my growth over the last few years because I'm not the same person I was then. I still have the capacity to smile but it won't be how he remembers. It'll still be pretty tho. ❤️🀷🏽‍♀️

Quote

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. -Rumi 



Sunday, September 17, 2017

Fake It Till You Make It!

At some point in my life it becomes impossible to fake it till I make it, today was that point. My back went out last Monday, yes the day of the wedding but I faked it and only my Aunt, one of my cousins and the MOH knew that my body was trying to kill me. Everyday this past week has been absolute agony but I've gotten up and done what must be done just to make sure that my sons schedule wasn't interrupted. Except today. 


Today I had planned to wake up early and take him to breakfast, not for any particular reason but just to spend some 1 on 1 time with him. However when I woke up my spine was on fire and when I tried to get up pain shot into my pelvis/hipbone area. Once I sat up and realized that a plan modification was in order, he had already decided we were having oatmeal and staying home. 

Today I really tried to reign my focus away from the extreme ouch I'm feeling so I could do homework. I really don't feel like this was my best work. Pain makes me feel like a mediocre student and I do not like that and I refuse to accept that. I've set certain goals for myself and I have certain expectations for myself and feeling like πŸ’€ isn't allowing me to reach these goals. 

Even now at 10:10pm I've tried to stretch/pop/gently twist these aches and radiating throbbing pains out of my body so I can sleep and it just made it worse πŸ˜“. I'll just wait for my dr to call back and keep my ice packs on deck. 

Final MusingsThere is a jewel in the view of right and wrong. The student asks, "I want to become enlightened!" The master replies, "give me your wanting!" 

Meh??: My GPA went up so I'm a few smidgens away from a 3.8 and I'm practically drooling 🀀 to get there. If I can swing an A in each class this semester(A HIGH "A") fingers crossed it might bump me closer to a 3.9 😍

Also. In case it wasn't clear my body is trying to kill me and I am in complete crabapple mode bcus I feel like death πŸ’€ and even sitting down or being touched makes my skin hurt. I should probably live in a bubble.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

meep meep YAWN

Exhausted. I am truly exhausted. Moreso annoyed? I realize that when I'm not feeling my best (which is usually 75%) I am a complete and utter crank myster but today I am operating at a whopping 35%. I'm really trying hard to contain my composure and not tell people who aggravate me to eat my entire a**...but golly is it hard. 

Good news: Ezra's teacher told me today that he is such a respectful young man. He helps other students and he listens well to instruction. Stuff like that makes my heart soars. But what really made me Smile was the love drawing he designed. I'm going to get a binder and save all his art work. 

Continuing the post....
It's the next morning and I'm still exhausted, still annoyed and currently sitting in my truck just sitting. I could go inside and collapse into a dreamless slumber but I have homework. Maybe a small nap won't hurt...

Final blah: I am tired and if I plan on being any good to anyone I need sleep. 

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

When Two Become One: The Fulce Story

 

On Monday September 11, 2017, two souls became one, and that which was written in the stars became that which the eyes could see, and what the heart could feel.  

 My eyes are leaking just looking at this picture of my cousins. Nothing can truly prepare you for the sight of your best friend walking down the aisle with your favorite uncle while the waves crash against the beach. I knew she was going to be a beautiful bride, but nothing prepared me for the full effect. Everything was perfect, the weather, the waves, the seagulls flying overhead...nothing could have made this even better.
 
As they walked down the winding path to the cove, all I could see was her happiness just flowing out of her. My uncle was holding onto her arm so tightly I didn't think he'd let her go but he did. He looked so proud of his baby girl, his firstborn. *sobs in a ball on the bed* It was the perfect moment because Jr was cheesing as if he knew he'd won the lotto. All the groomsmen were staring like -mouths open- shocked lol but the bridesmaids were tearing up.
 

It was such a special moment and to be invited to share that moment was truly priceless. There was so much love shared the entire weekend. Bonds were formed, stronger bonds were created, and love was cemented for eternity. I think what truly had me choked up was when Chan said her vows, she was crying. Even though Jr had that big goofy grin on his face, I know he was feeling what she was feeling too. Everyone in the audience was crying and dabbing their eyes it was hard to not feel the love flowing through the cove.
 
 
Being a part of such a special journey left its mark on me. It makes me so happy to see my baby cousin glow like this. Jr is a special person and he truly loves her.
 

 
However, enough of that sappy stuff, the reception was lit. Jr's friends from the Bend were utterly hilarious. The singles table was popping lol I had so much fun on my mini-momcation. My uncle D played the guitar for Chan before they had their father/daughter dance (yes I cried *shrug*) and it was so beautiful. Jr and his mom did a Dominican dance for their mother/son dance and it was popping.  
Ultimately, one of my most fave moments of the reception was when the DJ played Cardi B's "Bodak Yellow"; all the bridesmaids surrounded Chan on the dance floor and hyped her up. It was the perfect way to end the night. Like that was one of our turn up songs on the drive up and it was so fitting to close our night out with it as well.
 
 
Final Thoughts: Enjoy these pics instead of words <3




 
 
Super  Final Thoughts:
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
 Ann Landers



Sunday, September 10, 2017

& In Conclusion Shyte Was LIt

Last night was so freaking fun. I haven't went out since before I had my son and I forgot how much fun it is to just let go. Being with such a spectacular group of women made it even more fun. Everyone was determined that we were about to just turn up. Our bridal party is such an amazing and eclectic group of ladies. 

I watched my SnapStory this morning like πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ okay now I see you  πŸ‘€. Good thing that stuff is self deleting -chortles-  

But seriously I kept my anxiety under control last night which was amazing. I was lowkey nervous but where's the fun in that lol πŸ˜‚ 

I have a minor headache but I have no regrets! Off to wedding rehearsal!

Final Thoughts: Monday is the big day and I cannot wait to see her in this dress! 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Growth Spurts and Reaching for the Stars ✨



Once again I find myself in a season of uncomfortable growth. I've never understood why change is so worrisome to me. Everything from school to life is changing and I'm trying to keep up so I don't get left behind. My growth is uncomfortable because I'm comfortable where I'm at but just because I'm comfortable doesn't mean I should allow myself to become stagnent. There's so much more outside of my comfort zone if I'm open to it and willing to experience it. 

I'm willing to embrace this growth because whatever is waiting on the other side is going to be amazing. I've been through hell and back the past few years, so I know if I just keep pushing and staying positive things will stay focused. 

In a rash move I shaved my head 🀷🏽‍♀️ not a single fuck was given. However it looks cute and I'm oddly at peace with my decision. My son is dismayed because I don't have curls like his, but they'll grow back. There is something so freeing about cutting your hair, I don't know what it is. It's almost like your starting fresh like with a blank painting canvas. 

Ez stayed home today cus asthma sucks and drew me a picture of his family. I'm gonna have to get a binder or portfolio to put all his art in so I don't lose anything. I like charting how his motor skills are changing from week to week. His teachers are doing an amazing job, go public schools! He told me he missed his teacher today ❤️ 

Final Thoughts: Don't fight the changes allow yourself to expand with them because change is inevitable and so beautiful. 

Monday, September 4, 2017

Anxiety Filled Ramblings

I haven't thought of a title yet, perhaps because this is mostly just getting things off my ample chest. Ezra is mostly back to normal from last weeks...emotions. I hate lying to my son and I feel like I do a lot of it where his father is concerned. I'd rather see my son smiling than crying so it's okay. My gentle giant, such an intelligent child I'm sure he sees through me but he plays along. Sigh. Family first right? 

Wedding is this weekend and I am fucking 😜 EXCITED. I am going to miss my son SO MUCH but it's time for momma to breathe. No homework(maybe 🀷🏽‍♀️ I might do some light reading on the plane right home), no screaming kids just making sure that my cousin has an amazing stress free wedding. 

I've also decided to stop obsessing over graduate school. I know what I want my masters in, I want to see if I can get two masters at once. But I want to make sure that Ezra isn't going to miss out on me too. I have an amazing support system. My family supports me getting my educational grind on and I am so thankful for that. However I can't rely on others to parent for me, I'm not built that way. 

Final thoughts: I hope Ezra enjoys his mom free time. I hope the wedding is amazing as the bride is beautiful. I hope the next two weeks go smoothly. 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Graduate School

Recently the academic group I'm a member of reached out to me about graduate school. I was invited to join another group because of my academic accomplishments where graduate schools recruit you. 😳 I am overwhelmed. It has been an overwhelming week. 

I confess I did get heart palpitations when I opened the email because although I'm completely anal about my grades, I was shocked graduate school was brought up this early. Or maybe it's not early? According to my mom now is the time to start looking at schools so if I find a school out of state I can make plans to move. 😳 I'm seriously just still like "me? Graduate school???" But I honestly think that each time I think about me being in college right now.

I feel really blessed and lucky. I didn't expect to do this well in school but hard work pays off.  It also helps that I have the best motivator ever to keep me focused. 

Final thoughts: Game Of Thrones is killing me seriously. Bring on winter!!!! No poetic thoughts today I'm tired. 

so tired.

I’m exhausted and every nerve ending in my body is on fire. My fingers are swollen. I can’t stay awake w/o alarms waking me up every 30 minu...