Finding My Smile Again

"I miss your smile niece, when will I see it again," Renegade said with a smile in his voice. 

It was the most curious of curious conversations we had on the La Jolla Cove Beach September 10, 2017 but it follows the vein of all our conversations over the last few years. He misses seeing me smile. He misses the happy young woman I used to be who always had a smile and a hug for everyone. I don't really remember when she went away. I don't remember where I lost her. I often wonder when she'll return.

Although I will probably never tell my uncle, talking with him almost always brings me to the brink of tears. His concern is genuine, and I can see my dad in his smile. I really don't want them to worry about me but I know that they do. When he says he's worried about me, I feel like it's my dad saying something to me and I feel bad. 😓

I don't know where my smile is or when it will come back. I'm trying to do more things for me to take back my life and to continue to heal from the past. I'm making new friends(lowkey shocking because antisocial much?) and stepping outside of my box 📦. I think I'll make a simple list and just start there so that I don't overwhelm myself. 

Simple ways to find my smile:

1. Do things to make ME happy 
2. Spend time alone 
3. Sophistiratchet Nights 😋
4. Sleep more
5. Give more love ❤️ 
6. Reflect on life
7. Practice Forgiveness
8. Be Thankful 
   

Obviously my smile list is inconclusive but it's a start. Hopefully next time I see Renegade my smile will be a little bit brighter and it will remind him of the young woman I used to be. 

Self-care was the consistent topic of all conversations I had over the course of my vacation with everyone, strangers included. I had one conversation in particular during the reception that ended with me in tears.  This woman was so insightful, I really wasn't expecting to spill those emotions to her or even to react in that manner. 

I really have to wonder what type of vibe I'm giving off if people are constantly telling me "it's okay to relax" and "take time for yourself". So much of "me" has gone into being the best mother I can be because I don't want Ezra to ever feel a void in his life. But I'm starting to realize that I need to fallback and trust my village and take time to replenish myself. 

Final thoughts: I need to acknowledge my growth over the last few years because I'm not the same person I was then. I still have the capacity to smile but it won't be how he remembers. It'll still be pretty tho. ❤️🤷🏽‍♀️

Quote: 

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. -Rumi