Well meaning strangers " oh he's so handsome, his father must be proud". Or my personal favorite from family and friends "OMG he looks just like you except..." Or from HIS family "OMG he looks just like kippy did at that age." Or even when he makes certain facial expressions, I see his father, the man I've loved since fifth grade. The man who walked away.
I try so hard to hate him. I remind myself daily by rereading the last text he sent me. You know the one I'm talking about. The one where he says that OUR son, isn't HIS child. The one where he basically shattered my world again. Broke my heart so many time so lost count. Yet, I always believe the best in him.
I always believe that generational curses CAN BE BROKEN. The sins of the father ARE NOT the sins of the child. I believed that inside of him is the possibility to be a great man of God. An awesome father, and an awesome husband. A provider.
However I am a fool. A naive fool. A blind woman not well versed in the ways of men. And still. I naively pray, and hope, and send positive thoughts and vibes to him. I still love him. But when he left. I lost my best friend. I kept no secrets from him.
I was willing to go the distance with him. But he wasn't for me. The rejection still stings. I suppose it will everyday. Time will tell.
I still miss him. I still want him here with us. I still want everything I did four and a half years ago. But it's not in the cards. So eventually I will get over the loss of my best friend. My lover. My child's father.
But until then I will continue to pray that God heals me. For my son.
❤️
Stasia
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