sprinkle good luck dust on us

The day after a procedure I always feel like dog poo. So thankful I don’t have anything on my schedule for tomorrow. My neck is...idk I don’t know if the procedure worked, let’s put it that way. My arm is bruised from the iv’s and I’m crossing my fingers tomorrow is a good day. 

We are going to be working on a new “project” since school is closed indefinitely. He picked it and is thrilled so hopefully he hasn’t changed his mind. 

Wish us luck 

Random: it’s really difficult to let others control the narrative about certain situations. #growth 

School Things

Today was the first day of the #RedForEd walkout and ohmygod I am so proud of my states educators. They are inspiring and everything I hope to be in a teacher. This is so much more than just raises for teachers. This is really about the BIG PICTURE and funding public education because our kids deserve it. Our educators and support staff deserve to be paid a living wage.

I've had the privilege to work with several public education teachers and the struggle is real. They have little to no resources but they show up every day with smiles on their faces because they love their students. Teachers aren't just "teaching", they are providing emotional support (I've seen it, we have a student who needs frequent reassurance and that's okay),

 like they really do so much more that it's impossible to scratch the surface. 

Adventures in LaLaLand

Sometimes it’s okay to call a spade a spade. It’s okay to visit the past and have no regrets about moving forward with your future. It’s okay to see what could’ve been and walk away feeling empty. It just is. 

Today I had the most profound conversation with my four/five year old. We had just left a relatives house and he asked me if I was okay. I said I was and asked him why he asked. He responded by saying “you were tense inside, you relaxed when you got in the car.” How insightful does he have to be to realize I was tense when I was trying to play it off for his sake? 

I always forget that people aren’t used to a child like Ezra. I get thrown off by questions about his large vocabulary. These are things that wouldn’t be shocking if they were a semi-regular part of his life. However, it is what it is. 

He had a really good visit, he’s been asking about her for ages. I don’t know how to explain her health issues so I just say it’s really bad asthma. He picked out her birthday card on his own and she was tickled pink by him writing his name. I even talked to him beforehand about the last name thing so he didn’t upset her. He’s learning to pick his battles young. 

I love that Ezra just gets it. He understands that certain things are too much for me. I think it might’ve been too much for him too, tbh. He spent most of the night curled underneath my dad and then cuddled up underneath me. He knows his own emotional bandwidth and how to replenish it. Today we did a lot (outside of our family visit, we had dr visits) and he handled everything so good. 

#RedForEd I’m so appalled by the comments people are leaving regarding our educators on Facebook. I don’t get why your mad at the people who are pouring their time and resources into your kids, instead of being mad at these idiot politicians who don’t value your children’s education???? Where’s the logic at??? They are mad about a small inconvenience in the bigger scheme of things and that’s illogical. Smh

Ouchland

My MRI was yesterday and today every bone and nerve ending in my body has decided to rebel. My knee feels like goo, it is a gross feeling and goo is the best descriptor I’ve got for it other than “my knee is floating in my skin”. My wrist(s) are still numb and the left one is in a particular state of OUCH. I don’t even want to delve into the pain that is my lower back. It’s just a fat no. 

In spite of that today was amazing. I saw my loves and spent money on me. Today was a good day. Ezra got to play and I got to have adult convos lol. Nothing like impromptu play dates! 

Now I’m going to try to sleep and seriously consider acupuncture because this can’t be life. 

llama llama sad mama

I have realized a thing about myself. I just don't do emotions well, at least not my own. I am so unequipped to deal with my feelings it is ridiculous. Funny story, I was once called an "ice queen" during an argument due to this inability to express/deal with emotions. At the time, I was amused by this persons comments on my character. While they weren't wrong, at the time I just didn't care for their thoughts because I had my reasons for keeping my emotions to myself.

Years later(now) I'm confronted with all these situations where I'm finding it impossible to just ignore my emotions. Unresolved trauma makes it incredibly difficult to move throughout the day. 

today is another Monday 

National Poetry Month

Happy National Poetry Month 

All of the above poems are part of our poetry experience this past month. We have finished the book but Ezra still loves to go back and read Langston Hughes poems. <3

Minimizing the Circle

I’m finding lately that I’d much rather write poetry than write on my blog. Maybe I’m better able to express myself since I’m not posting it here were it can be violated. Something to think about at any rate. 

Not much has gone on lately, blocked/removed a few people from my social circles today. Sometimes in putting myself first I have to remove others that aren’t adding any good to my circle. This is especially important when people repeatedly show you their character time and time again. Like, you can’t downplay their toxicness just because you created this fairytale version of them in your head. Accept what is and move forward alone. 

I’ve come to the realization that I’m very demanding of my IRL friends. I have high expectations especially of those that I have history with and once there’s been a communication breakdown, it’s a wrap jack. I hold myself to those same standards so I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, it really just proves the above point. If I’m putting 100% of myself into our relationship whether it be a friendship, romantic entanglement or literary partnership, I expect that same effort in return. If I’m not getting what I perceive to be that same output I bounce emotionally. 

Aside from that random woohaw, writing poetry is really relaxing. For the most part I’m loving the prompts, I love finding interesting ways to incorporate myself into the prompt. I want to use the prompt, not let it use me. I’m even exploring incorporating other aspects of myself into the prompts. 

I am still tired. My kid is sick and therefore I haven’t been sleeping. We made a bomb ass stir fry today. I let him set the table and then had him lay down. I’m a bit worried about him going to school tomorrow but I have practicum and everyone is working. Depending on how he’s feeling I might email the teacher and see if I can come in two days next week. It’s also FINALS WEEK next week so it has to get done 🤷🏽‍♀️. 

PSA: Blurb

I really wish people respected my wishes not to know anything about certain individuals. Finding out certain information is like reopening old wounds again. Pointless.

I am only One

"I am only one.

But I am still one.

I cannot do everything.

But I can still do something: 

And because I cannot do everything, 

I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

Edward Everett Hale

The universe is surely testing me this week. Tonight while cleaning up a spill in the bathroom, I slipped in said spill. Hit my head on the toilet, slammed my right elbow and body into the ground and now I'm dying. My spine isn't meant to withstand this amount of trauma. Universe, if you're listening send help immediately I have a busy weekend and I cannot be incapacitated. 

My new book arrived in the mail and I really just want to curl up in the bed with Ezra and read. However, we have some parties to attend and I'm really looking forward to seeing our friends tomorrow. I was* planning on bringing my laptop to work from the party but I think I really just want to enjoy that space with my friends. We don't often get together and I really just need to *be* with people who know what's going on and who get it. 

I'm also really perplexed about what happened today. I know I did things because I obviously woke up and took Ezra to school. However, whatever went on in the span between drop off and pick up is just a big blank. I'm assuming I got some of my homework done because the lesson plans were open and half completed. I'm really tired. So tired. 

*sigh* Can we do spring break again? 

I wrote semi-bad poetry today. I know I did that for a fact. 

medical professionals and the great mansplainers

mansplaining

Today I got mansplained and I feel absolutely disgusted. Let's talk about it. In the medical field doctors are stuck the pluck up, you feel me? So if THEY aren't the ones coming up with the diagnosis, it's obviously not correct. Now I came to him three years ago concerning this concern I had and he wrote me off. To be quite clear he said "all children do this *thing* it's normal" and now three years later I'm finding out I WAS RIGHT AND MY CONCERNS WERE VALID. OH MY FLIPPING WAFFLE TARTS (really trying to avoid cursing today). I have a team of licensed medical fucking professionals and educators who all see the same fucking thing I did THREE GODDAMN YEARS AGO and he says "oh they're wrong but I'll give you a referral anyway because I don't want you to panic" 

WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCKING ASSWAFFLELOVING WORLD??? He then proceeded to mansplain me about the *thing* we were there for conveniently forgetting THATS WHAT I'M IN FUCKING SCHOOL FOR  and those are the students I work with. When I finally sat straight he just looked dumbfounded. Like sir I'm getting my goddamn bachelors AND masters in this why are you trying to play me?? 

I am beyond annoyed today. I'm just trying to get some answers so I can help my son. Like don't jerk me around. 

In other news, my baby is completely, totally and utterly registered for kindergarten

*bursts into tears* 

-dramatically falls onto the sofa sobbing-

okay I'm done, sigh it came too soon. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to do the first day solo. Doing the first day of HeadStart with my parents was hard, just a glaring reminder of LSD walking away to play daddy to someone else instead of being a man/father to his own kid. So I'm doing kinder just me and Ezra, I think he deserves to know that I've got this. Plus I hate people asking me how I'm feeling about stuff, it just make me want to cry smh. 

In bad poetry news, the poetry is shockingly not bad? I'm actually pleased with how the pieces are turning out. I'm so happy my two friends are doing this "challenge" with me. We all have different reasons but it's still a really great way to bond with each other. 

I am tired. 

May the Force be with You, yes that force, wait I didn't mean THAT force SMH

I recently read that it's National Poetry Month, so my friend and I have committed ourselves to writing bad poetry together. Granted some of the stuff I've been writing lately hasn't been bad, it's been different but not bad. I think it's bad but my critics/confidants think it's a-ok. One poem a day while I do the things that I do and function, or try to function at any rate.

I had the procedure on my neck last week and by golly gee freaking whiz the day after I felt INVINCIBLE *ECHOS*. I felt amazing all weekend seriously. My level of pain went from a 8.5 to like a 3.5 and I was digging it. Aside from the weird twitching/involuntary spasms that were going on with my back immediately after and right before the pain came back full force (I've been literally struggling with crippling exhaustion/back spasm/neuropathy since late Sunday night) it was a nice weekend. I went swimming and it took so much pressure off my spine. Ezra had so much freaking fun with his cousins too. It was so nice to just be around people who just get me. I never have to be anyone other than me with them. If I'm hurting that's fine, if I'm tired that's okay too and they've always accepted my son unconditionally.

I think if I'm being honest that's what got me this weekend, that acceptance of my son.  This season of change and growth is hitting us really hard and it's time to go back to the place where I feel safe and loved. My cousins husband came up and gave me the biggest hug Sunday and told me he missed Ezra's blunt honesty. He said Ezra was refreshing and he's missed us this past year. I got so caught up in trying to make everyone else happy with my "family" that I forgot about the people who took me in all those years ago. They played such a big part of my life in so many ways. It just felt right to be with them again.

Ezra and I celebrated our first real Easter this year. I want him to enjoy his childhood in ways that I never got to experience. We started with Christmas and have ventured into Easter. My brother and I put together our version of an Easter basket. It was completely and utterly Star Wars themed. Ezra was so hyped when he saw it Sunday morning. I swear I have the best kid in the world. The first thing he said was "thank you Mommy!" When I told him his uncle helped me put it together, he ran and gave him a huge hug too. Easter was amazing for so many reasons but the most important was seeing my son happy and playing with his cousins. He didn't forget that the most important reason for any holiday is family and to express our gratitude because they are in our lives. We dyed eggs, went swimming(me and Ezra too HA!) and had a sunken egg treasure hunt, and had a traditional egg hunt. It was the most fun I've had in so long.

Photos <3

Disclaimer: "I want him to enjoy his childhood in ways that I never got to experience." <= I had a great childhood. I was provided for physically and emotionally but there are things that as an adult I wish would have been done different. Those things I have resolved to do differently with my son. The backlash of my doing these things differently has led to strained/difficult relationships with family members due to their own insecurities but that really isn't my issue. I've chosen to not force my son to be in any type of religious organization like I was forced to as a child/young adult. I've chosen to try to acknowledge my mistakes as a parent and always apologize for them. In case anyone gets it twisted, I love my parents and I appreciate every single thing they've done for me. Without them I wouldn't be who I am today, without the choices they made in their parenting I wouldn't be parenting the way I do today with my own child. My parenting choices should never be seen as a negative reflection of their own, rather I took the positives, discarded the negatives and started fresh just as we all do when we start our own families.