I Try *shrug*

Have you ever heard a song that just moved you? Not like made you want to dance but just moved you to tears? Right after I had Ezra this song came out called "Keep Me" by Patrick Dopson and my gawd it had an effect on me. I was going through some stuff then and I had to stop listening to it because I became this sobbing puddle whenever I heard it. Today I had my Ipad on shuffle and it came on and five years later, same effect. God really has a way of reaching out and tapping you on the shoulder to remind you hes still here. There's something comforting about that, knowing that no matter what is going on in the world or even with me personally it's all part of  His plan. Needless to say my ipad has been playin little tricks on me all day and bringing back all my mood songs, so we've been listening to a bunch of Drake, Cameo, Adele and Jody Watley.

Tomorrow is Kindergarten Roundup and I'm excited(ish). Ezra has been in a unique mood the past two days. He's super anxious about a new grade but I know he's going to do great. He's more than ready and we've been preparing all summer so I'm confident that academically he's going to flourish. Hopefully tomorrow he will meet a new friend or see something in the class to excite him. Either way I'm here to support him and his teacher through this transition. He said he wants to wear his power outfit tomorrow, so maybe that will help him smile. I'm hoping we run into his Head Start teacher while we are at school because I know he's been missing her. I have too, she became a big part of our lives over the past year and change. I credit her and her co-teachers with a lot of his social growth over the past year, and a lot of my professional growth.

I suppose I should get to work on my portfolio. I have to create/design 16 formative/summative assessments for the Early Learning Standards. I'm going to use some of our homeschool assessments and then create new content. I'm pretty excited.

silence is bliss, cliche but true

There is bliss in silence. Without the noise of social media running rampant through my brain I feel so much more settled. Calmer. This past weekend I turned my hw in early and embarked on the longest self-care session ever. I read. I slept( on accident). I helped Ezra design new train grids. And then we closed off our weekend by watching “The Legend of Frosty the Snowman” and some Micky Mouse Christmas movie and then reading some of our new books. 

This is our last week home together and I really want it to be chill because I know he’s a little nervous about kindergarten. Tomorrow he wants to rip apart the train tracks we designed today and build a new one with ramps and that’s okay because this is how he works out his nerves. I’m hoping his extra tracks get here soon so we’ll have some more tracks to work with. 

I met with my drs last week and they have a plan. I feel much better knowing there’s a plan. It’s different knowing there’s an issue but no plan to fix it but there’s a plan now and I’m calmer about it. I’m thankful my cousins, friends and family have been mad understanding about my mood lately. Even my student advisor at school has been really awesome. She’s always really supportive and encouraging me to keep giving it my best but let’s me know it’s okay to take a break. It just feels like ever since school started it’s been one thing after another but I have a plan and I can’t allow any of this to hinder my progress. 

During this social media mini-blackout I’m going to continue ingesting books. It’s amazing how much free time I have now. I might as well use it on something worthwhile like reading. 

Ahhhhh Real Monsters!

Anyone remember that show “Ahhhh Monsters”? I feel like I’m an extra in that show and I’m the monster popping up around every corner. I’m having so much anxiety about tomorrow. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything. Today I woke up with this horrible headache that my usual amounts of water couldn’t kick. I had to lay down with Ezra and I fell asleep. When I woke up my head was STILL HURTING. Just why. 

Logically I know God never brings me to anything I can’t get through. But I am feeling a complicated jumble of emotions about this latest hurdle. It makes me appreciate the past five years I spent home with Ezra. If there’s a chance I might not get to do this again, I’m glad I followed my heart and stayed home with him. I’m still angry. I’m sad. I’m mostly angry I think. I wasn’t expecting this outcome at all. Just ugh. 

I deleted Facebook. I just needed to breathe. Maybe it will help me focus this weekend. Idk. I feel like the ones who know have tried to help but how can I explain what I’m feeling if I don’t even understand it. I just know that I’m still processing it and I’m tired of people saying it’s not the end of the world. It may not impact your world but it does MINE and MY WORLD feels very much shattered lately. I know my irritation is misplaced but I just can’t deal with anyone right now. If I could turn my phone off and just NOT I would do that but I can’t. 

So nervous about tomorrow 😞

floundering

Life is stupid sometimes. It can be needlessly traumatic for no apparent reason. This is one of those times. 

-floundering

I am over this day, this week this month ugh. I want to cry and scream just throw a toddler tantrum because what’s going on isn’t fair. But life isn’t fair. And I just have to deal with this hurdle with a fake smile on my face. 

Tiny Trolls a Trolling

I really overdid it today. Probably should’ve just gave my dad my grocery list and not micromanaged him but here I am. I’m all ick and crud like again. I did too much walking but I got EVERYTHING in my list except eggplant. I’m sad about that too. My new medication has interesting side effects, so just call me Madam Weeps a lot. Because this shit is RIDICULOUS. I was watching tv and randomly started crying. All day. ALL. DAY. Just sigh. Oh and my truck is officially dead. Sigh. So the car hunt is on. Shockingly I’m not too worked up over this. I’ll blame the new meds. Everything happens for a reason so I’ll just trust the process and not freak out. 

I need to sleep. 

Is This a Test?

The Lord was surely testing me today. Ezra and I weren't seeing eye to eye today, which really put a sour spot on our day. I wasn’t feeling so hot too so it was doubly sucky and then I was hit with a conversation that went south super quick. Like things are "cool" now but I'm still feeling a bit irritated over it. 

Every couple of months it seems like adults who’ve been given the opportunity to be a part of my child’s life seem to forget their life choices and lack of effort to be in his life. Today someone tried to place their lack of relationship with Ezra on me. When at the end of the day it’s on them to put for the effort to be in his life. The first couple of years of his life I went above and beyond to ensure that he knew/saw certain individuals. Once I stopped and fell back, with the exception of a few it was radio silence.

Accept responsibility for the role you’ve played. This isn't on my shoulders. 

Other than that, I'm healing okay still sore and today I over did it. I was trying to do laundry, cook, vacuum etc.. and now I'm feeling it. I still have homework to do and I'm just like nope. My body is a big ball of nope. Sigh. Today's conversation was just a setback. I won't allow it to tarnish an otherwise okay summer. 

The Recovery

So my surgery was Friday and I was wholly unprepared in all aspects. I got called in early which was okay, but I was kind of loopy because I hadn’t eaten or taken any of my meds (not okay). I remember nothing, NOTHING except being wheeled down a bright ass hallway and wondering if I was gonna be okay to finish my homework this weekend. I woke up freaking out because I was blind and it was bright(my room is always dark af when I sleep). And the anesthesia/pain meds combo tricked me and had me thinking I was okay and had escaped pain. Until about 1am Saturday morning when I was jolted awake by a combination of back spasms and molten lava cramps. Sigh.

I’m feeling better today. The spasms and cramps are sporadic. Tolerable. I’m still really sore and I’m on limited bed rest for two weeks. Which is boring but means I’ll get a lot of homework done. Ezra has been a sweetie about everything. He keeps checking on me and offering me his favorite toys. Next week he wants to go find a new outfit for school. He already picked out his new shoes, so he just needs something to match them.

I’m a bit tired. I tried to stay focused and write a paper today. SIGH. Not my best effort but I hit all the requirements.

Fireworks are Noisy

Sometimes I sit and words just pour out of me. Not necessarily where I intend them to go either. Today I was intending to finish up my homework for the week because of Friday. However I had writer’s block and read the textbook instead. I unearthed the baby book and was looking through it and was just overwhelmed with feelings. I haven’t opened it in two years. Two years. I haven’t really been in a place where I could open it and not see red. Things are different now to some degree, I have perspective. I decided to share the book with Ezra and we picked some new photos to put in it. He was asking questions about certain pictures and I was honest. I was just really proud of how he handled the answers.

His birthday party went really good. This was the least stressful birthday ever. Even with my brother pulling a fast one on me it was still calm. My sister came and I got to see my nephew. My friends came and Ezra got to play with his best friends. And I got to relax with my friends before my surgery. Like no drama, no talking about his dad just nada. I got to see my little brother for the first time in a year *shocked face* it was nice.

Once I’m all better from surgery I’m gonna finish getting stuff on the kindergarten supply list. I’m so excited for him. He loves his new backpacks. He’s finally coming around to the idea that he won’t have the same teachers. I’m gonna miss them too tbh, they were amazing and i loved how they loved my son. I hope we develop that same type of relationship with his kindergarten teacher as well. I realize that once I start working my relationships with his teachers will change. However I want to always make sure either myself or my parents is a known presence in his class. My parents did that for me and it made a difference.

I’ve been writing a lot. I’m kinda shocked by what I’m writing. It’s revealing.