Child of My Womb, Heart Outside My Body

Prior to becoming a mother, I had an extremely close bond with my younger brother. He was my surrogate baby. So when I became pregnant and moved home he was in essence my shadow. He annoyed me so much, he watched everything I ate, took me to my appointments and whenever I had meltdowns he was right there to pick me back up again. But he was there. 

Ezra reminds me so much of him in so many ways. They say that the person who irked your soul while you were pregnant is the one your child’s spirit is molded after but I’m not entirely sure their right. After this week, today, I can say with total certainty that my son is coined after my brother and myself(I irked my own soul while I was pregnant). Academically he’s following our path already and it’s going to be a hard road to tread. However I’m thankful that his teacher recognizes that his boredom is really just his desire to be challenged more and not defiance. 

This entire week has been emotionally taxing dealing with my doctors and fussing with his doctors, to trying to function through physical pain but through it all my sweet boy has been there just being amazing. He’s read me books, picked up my room and even helped me unload the dish drain. I have no idea what I did to deserve this amazing child. 

 I never really realize how much it means to me to hear someone I admire tell me that I’m doing a great job with him. Occasionally I need to hear that, I think all parents need that validation from the people they trust and look up to. Reassurance that this life I’m entrusted with is safe and turning out okay.

 I digress, back to my brother. He told me today that he was proud of me because while I may think I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong, Ezra is the one thing that I’ve gotten completely right. He said that Ezra was remarkable in every way and he was proud to be his uncle. 😭😭😭 I needed that this week. I’ve been feeling like a parental failure, stressing about this school application but knowing that my brother sees me meant the world to me. 

I realize that I may never feel 90% better, or even 100% better, but as long as I have my son I’ll be alright. He makes even the worst tear inducing spasms worth it. I love everything about him. 

Final Quote:  "The beautiful thing about life is that you can always change, grow and get better. You aren’t defined by your past. You aren’t your mistakes." -Unknown