Opening Quote:
“You can’t patch a wounded soul with a Band-Aid.” » Michael Connelly
Twice today my heart has stopped. Just dead ass stopped beating, I could hear it pounding in my ears. I made eye contact with a person while the people I was with talked in the background. It was almost as if time momentarily stood still and said I STILL RUN THIS BITCH, because it does. I really never like to acknowledge the effects of that relationship. But the effects are there and they rear their head when I really wish they wouldn’t.
Like when I’m shopping with my mom which grants me a lecture of how I can’t let so and so “run my life”. Oh how I loathe when people who haven’t dealt with PTSD/Anxiety/Emotional Distress try to tell me how I should cope with it. I’ve come so far from where I was after I gave birth. I go places and do things now, but the past few weeks have just been bad for reasons.
Then I forgot something so I had to go BACK to the store 😑. As we hit the battery display, this person who looked like this other person who I had a verbally abusive conversation with made eye contact with me and it was lights out mommy. Hours later my heart is still racing and I’m just over it. I could move to the ends of the earth and this *gestures* would haunt me.
Which leads me to my dad wanting to get me a dog, so that I feel safe in my home. They’ve already taken other measures to make me feel safe. I didn’t realize that they’ve noticed how jumpy I am. Why the hell do they pay this much attention to me? How do I make him understand that my home is the one place that I do feel safe because this is a controlled environment. No one gets through those doors unless I say so.
Maybe the dog is more for therapy purposes or companionship? Idk I just don’t think it’s logical to have a dog here. And I don’t want a dog indoors again. I don’t want to get emotionally attached to anything and I don’t want to clean dog poop.
I wish my family understood that this growth is a continual process. I can make strides and still not be okay and that is perfectly okay because I am still moving forward with life. That doesn’t define me(obviously because I’m thriving over here 💅🏾📚😝👑🙃) but it is something I will always deal with.
Final Quote:
Ezra “Mommy, I love you, can you be my best friend?”
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