Meh? It's Life

I am a whirl of conflicting complex emotions this week.

A bird shat on me Monday as I was racing along the freeway. After which I was attacked by a scorpion on my way to a Headstart meeting I had spazzed and forgotten about because of my neck/spine procedure tomorrow. Both of those seemingly unfortunate events turned out to be not so shitty. At our meeting we found out that there was a thin layer of sunshine in the cheeto dust administration because we got some funding and we aren't going to have to cut our classes!! There were a bunch of other amazing things share in regards to that but that's all I feel comfortable sharing here. It was the most positive meeting we've had since...November? I was legit walking on clouds until today I think I don't know. (Focus lady!).

We got our scores from the Federal Review for our HeadStart program and we scored ABOVE THE NATIONAL AVERAGE IN ALL CATEGORIES. *does happy dance* I am so incredibly proud of our teaching staff. We have some amazing educators and they pour a lot of themselves into our children every single day. It is really nice to see this reflected in those scores and to know that their efforts aren't going unacknowledged. 

However, there are other educators who aren't being acknowledged for the work they do in the state of Arizona. Arizona is at the bottom in the country for teacher pay, which means they don't pay their teachers JACK. This is confirmable, there are statistics its sad and disgusting how they treat educators. I've had the pleasure to work with a lot of truly amazing educators while doing my practicums and they put so much of themselves into their jobs. Teaching isn't profession that you can just hang up in the closet when you get home. It's something that weighs in your hearts because you grow to love your students. They genuinely care and want them to succeed. Isn't it only right that as parents and former students that we should want to ensure that our educators have the tools they need to take care of their families and educate our children?

I think that's why I've been so down the past few days. I could feel the vibe around campus. Everyone has been so frustrated and tense. It's like our state is really just saying "screw you, we don't appreciate the work you do with these kids" but it's hard work. Teaching is a calling, not just anyone can do it.

 I encourage every parent/family member to go volunteer in your child's classroom. Make arrangements with the teacher and just do it. It is EYE OPENING.

 I don't always like my son's teachers but I have MAD RESPECT FOR THEM. My son is a handful, he's an independent, energetic, curious, intelligent, mischievous, and charismatic leader(teacher's word choice not mine lol). I've seen him in class when I volunteer and he just makes me TIRED. I have no idea how they do this day after day with him. He's like the Tasmanian Devil just whirling around with curiosity. They keep up with him every step of the day and encourage him to not only make good choices but to keep his friends safe. I appreciate and respect them. I ask them about their day and if they had a good weekend. I ask if they need any books for the class or if it's cool if I come read to the kids. I love helping them.

I'm rambling now. I needs to sleep I guess. SIGH.

 

 

Motherhood: A Fine Balance

As a mother and a student, I’ve struggled to find that balance between not neglecting my studies but still finding time to really enjoy my son. Saturday’s are usually spent fine tuning assignments and hurriedly crafting LEGO creations when my mind goes blank. However, today I gave in to a bit of whimsy and indulged my inner child a bit. 

Instead of homework, we went to Toys R’Us, the place where no one can afford to be a kid (you see what I did there). The prices are still ridiculously high and they don’t seem to be aware of their current financial straits. Yet Ezra walked out the proud owner of a Stormtrooper mask and he walked out wearing it proudly. I found him a reasonably priced Star Wars four action figures set for his birthday *woot woot*. When they figure out they are going out of business and actually slash those prices, I’ll be back for that toddler sized Darth Vader. I caught Ezra eyeing him so I’ve decided he needs him for his room.  

After that disappointing trip, we hit the mall to grab lunch because I NEEDED SJ. I just love their food. Ezra wore his mask and was superbly aggravated by all the adults who kept staring like they’d never seen a child in partial costume before. One guy told ezra he was “awesome” and Ezra was really happy and told him he was nice. I’m really happy I’m raising such a nice human. 

It was such a relaxing day and I needed it. We walked around and he held my hand and told me about school. He practiced having “conversations” with me and asked me about my day/school/emotions. We observed some strange teenagers rolling around in the dirt wearing white pants. He couldn’t fathom WHY they would do that because it’s hard to get dirt out of white clothes. 

When we got home we took a short walk around the block to see some planes. Then came in the house to put up laundry and watch our new addiction. Cooking shows 🤦🏽‍♀️ I swear I wasn’t trying to get him addicted but he’s just as interested as I am now. It’s just intriguing all the different techniques that people use when they cook. He takes little “notes” in his science fab lab book. It’s the most adorable thing. I have no idea what they say but he just scribbles away. 

We needed today. I still got a solid three hours done on my lesson plans before I got distracted by the ambient rain storm and ceiling fan. We put up three loads of clothes and had the house to ourselves most of the day. It was lovely. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed this time with Ezra. Just us. I need to do this more often. 

Greatest Joys

There is no greater gift in this world to me, than my sons smile. This afternoon he smiled over, and over, and OVER again and my heart 💜 is filled to the brim. Today I was winning and he didn’t hesitate to say “mommy you don’t suck today, I love you”. -basks in the glow of a half compliment- 

That’s so my kid lol 😂 

frizzle fraz Im pooped

“Be the person who can smile on the worst day.” -Unknown 

While I wouldn’t go as far as saying today was “thee worst day”, it was in line to be spectacularly shitty. It started off innocently enough, then my body rebelled around 1030/11am. As a way to cope with the pain from muscle spasms and lower back cramps(I don’t take certain meds during the day) I decided to start deep cleaning the backend of the house. 

**Side note: I lost the measuring tape AGAIN and I need one to measure this desk I need and to measure the space in ezras room for a new dresser. 

I rearranged Ezra’s room and he was super aggravated about it after school. SO we moved everything back. I can’t wait till I get this desk in here so I can really get cracking on studying. It will be so much more effective and efficient to not shuffle papers around al the time. 

My friends keep apologizing for this thing that upset me. It’s okay. Like I’m okay. It’s not their fault any more than it’s mine. We are only responsible for our own actions. Not anybody else’s. However it’s nice knowing that I’ve got these amazing wonderful fantastic friends on my team. 

I’m blessed. 

The Ultimate Showdown: Black Panther vs. Darth Vader

Anyone whose relevant knows that my kid adores Darth Vader. His adoration goes as far as DENYING that Darth Vader is the most atrocious of epic villains. He swears that Darth is simply misunderstood, by literally EVERYONE including the children he tried to kill on multiple occasions. 😓 Obviously he’s four going on five and these conversations ended with a Star Wars movie binge, after which he stood by his inaccurate beliefs much to my dismay. 

So now we have Black Panther, which is the most incredibly, awe inspiring, representative 💥 💥 AMAZING movie to come out in ages. (Yeah I said it, all them other marvel movies suck donkey 🥜).  Black Panther has introduced a whole new disagreement, who would win in a fight: Black Panther or Darth Vader? We’ve been arguing (yes I argued about this with a four year old, he’s not your average four year old 😬) since the movie came out and he was steadily refusing to go see it UNTIL TODAY. He slick shuffled into my room, wrapped in a blanket and said “mommy I wanna go see the panther but I still think Darth Vader will win”. Let me tell you I really wasn’t about to let that opportunity pass me by so we caught the next showing. 

Being able to share this with him was an emotion invoking experience. To call it “incredible” or “amazing” wouldn’t really put into words how I was feeling experiencing the movie with him. His excitement at seeing BP in action was something to behold. When he caught his first glimpse of Wakanda, he stopped shoveling popcorn in his mouth. He was momentarily stunned. He wanted to know if there was really a place that looked like that, I told him it was called Africa and if he wanted one day we would go there. 

There were so many scenes where he was sitting so still and gripping my hand. During the ritual battle, he turned to me and said “mommy they all look like us”. However in true Ezra fashion, he felt aligned with Killmonger because “he just needed to belong somewhere”. Which is true, I think there’s a little of Killmonger in each of us, we all are a bit adrift in this place we call “home”. 

Second Viewing:

The movie was just as incredible as it was the first time. I still cried during scenes where I was overwhelmed by that sense of community and belonging. I cried several times and Ezra just patted my hand and handed me a tissue. It was even better this time because I shared it with my son. After the movie, my son told me he loved the women fighters and the girl scientist. He wanted to go work with her in the lab. It just made me wish we could really go there. 

I’m so happy and honored that he allowed me to share this with him. He wants me to buy it when it comes out (DUH). Aside from the gun scenes, he loved everything about it and so did I (especially Winston Duke 😍😍😍😅 Lordt hammercy). 

End Results:

Ezra STILL thinks that Darth Vader could win a fight with Black Panther. Specifically he says that he wouldn’t die because Black Panther is “too nice” and won’t kill him. 😒 I mean, he’s not wrong(about him being to nice) but he’s four! He shouldn’t be able to figure this out lol! 

I am sticking firm by my stance that Ta’Challa would kick Darth Vader’s Ass! 

Parental Guilt

Parental guilt is such a nasty thing. 

So much time is wasted on wondering what choices could’ve been made if we had of had access to different information. So much time spent living in “what if’s” and the “I wish’es” Instead of living in the present moment with the information we have access to. This guilt if allowed can over power your very being and wrest control of the very essence of your soul. 

I’m choosing to not wallow in the guilt because I know that I have always made the best decisions for my son with the information available. I’ve given him the tools he needed to help him flourish academically, emotionally and to some extent socially. I’ve supported his diverse interests no matter how difficult it was at the time. I’ve tried to help him understand that by all kids will need he needs/wants them to be and that’s okay. ⬅️ 

I’m raising an amazing/exceptional young man. That is alright by me. 

Writer’s Block

“Writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all”

Charles Bukowski, The Last Night of the Earth Poems

Something has to be said for the amount of mental thought I’ve expounded over my inability to write this past week. I’ve sat at my laptop and just stared at a blank screen willing words to show up. Yet nothing appears. I’ve sat there staring as words appear on the screen but they aren’t the right words so they get deleted. I’ve wondered if writing is meaningless or if these words I spew actually mean something. 

After I sat and realized I don’t really give a hoot, I decided to write about my writers block. This blockage seems to be intrinsically linked to my currently bout of back spasms. Writing is my unwinding activity and these spasms have my body and mind completely unable to unwind. Even the simple act of responding to a DQ is requiring extreme focus. Just when it seems I’ve mastered my pain a spasm will wrack my body and temporarily throw me out again. 

This is the longest running spasm cycle I’ve experienced and I’m not feeling it. It started March 5th and it won’t stop. It started with my neck, traveled down my spine and went back up to my neck yesterday. So basically it’s a all over spasm. My muscle/skin is inflamed to the touch and I’m covered in patches which I can’t really tell if they are helping but I need the illusion of pain management. 

Although this isn’t how I intended to spend spring break, we’ve still managed to get a great deal of fun stuff done. Monday we had a fun day out with mommy and uncle. He’s gotten so fast on that doggone scooter 🛴  he’s like speed racer. Tuesday we had an amazing play date with our friends B and T and their kids E/A and J. Ezra got to hold Baby A and was in absolute heaven. He promptly put in an request for a baby sister lol. We all had a lot of fun at the museum and it was nice to be out. I think that it was more meaningful because they understand chronic pain(mine) and know my limitations. They could tel when my body started to shut down and were okay with me going home. 

Today I shaved my head 🙃 because why not. I can’t raise my arms to actually do my hair so Meh! It looks amazing tho. We hit up the library and decided we are going to learn about architecture and plumbing.  We have varied tastes in this house.  

Life really is what it is. I’m making the best of chronic pain and I’m not letting it stop me from enjoying my son. We deserve to enjoy this time off while we can. 

Let Me Count the Ways that I Love You 😘

How do I love you?

There’s something about watching him sleep. While he sleeps he’s not a busy little kid. When he sleeps he’s my baby all over again complete with fat cheeks. He knows when I’m watching because he always reaches for me. His mom. *sigh*

In spite of my physical pain today was a really great day. My cousin came and took care of me so I was able to take my meds during the day. My back was still spasming but not moving around a lot helped. Right now I’m still and my back is involuntarily twitching. It hurts but I’m hoping heat will help somehow. 

Tonight I read Ezra “How Do I Love You” the bilingual copy. He picked the book out and I just went with the flow. I think sometimes he just needs to know that I love him in spite of naughty behavior. While I was reading, I looked him in the eye each time I said “I love you// Te Amo”. He just smiled his sleepy grin, the one he does right before he asks me to stay an extra ten minutes. He’s really the most amazing child. 

I’m still pooped and hurting so maybe my pain meds will kick in quickly so I can sleep through the spasms. 

Recent Book Purchases

Question: What do I do when I'm stressed?
Answer: BUY BOOKS!

List of Books:

1. Children of the Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi
2. BB-8 On the Run by Drew Daywalt
3. The Family Book by Todd Parr (pretty sure I own a copy already but stress)
4. More More More, said the Baby by Vera B. Williams
5. How Do Dinosaurs Get Well Soon? by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague
6. How Do Dinosaurs Get Ready for Bed? by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague
7. Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems (because I love this book)
8. The Survival Guide for Kids with Add or ADHD by John F. Taylor, Ph.D
9. The Dream Keeper and Other Poems by Langston Hughes
10. Kevin and His Dad by Irene Smalls
11. Raven: A Trickster Tale from the Pacific Northwest by Gerald McDermott
12. I Love You Just Because by Todd Parr
13. Star Wars: The Last Jedi, a Junior Novel by Michael Kogge (Ezra "needed" it)

I mean looking at that list I feel like I showed restraint. I'm actually rather proud of myself for not buying more books. Yesterday I was spazzy stressed and I only got three books because I couldn't sit still to read the back of them. Today I got the other ten and since I was more or less calmer than yesterday, I took the time to read all the backs before settling on these. I don't necessarily think stress buying is bad especially since my son loves to read. I just wish I had gotten myself more than the two books I did.

Now the Tomi Adeyemi book is AMAZING I haven't been able to put it down since I started reading it. I'm really happy I got it because wow! The characters pull you in and won't let you go. I'm looking forward to finishing it!

It’s A Case of the Feburaries!

Dr! It’s a Case of the Februaries!

So I lied, February ISN’T over its still rearing is fugly head. Or maybe this is like a case of the never ending Monday’s? I’m really not sure but boy oh boy I’m waiting for the universe to just settle down. 

I am preparing for this uber important, ridiculously important test. I downloaded the study guide from the official testing site and two practice exams, plus the test objectives so that I can be 2000% prepared. I’m debating on getting the computer thing they offer that will point out my areas of weakness so I know where to focus my studying. 

This weekend has been stressful, yesterday was a lot. I was hoping today would be manageable and then got handed a double whopper whammy of information I’m unable to process at the moment. In THAT moment I was literally floored and wished that I wasn’t doing this alone. Granted, I have a strong support circle ⭕️ but my God sometimes when you’re feeling bewildered/floored (idk how else to adequately describe that emotion) it would be nice to have someone to talk to. I’m lucky to have great friends who are always willing to listen and shut down my fears. I don’t know what I did to deserve them. 

This has just been a lot to process. 

I’ve decided that I deserve to stress shop at the bookstore. I’m going to buy Children of the Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi(idk if I spelled it right). 

Support Black Authors. 

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

-Rumi

profoundness escapes me-an interlude

“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” - Rumi

I am content. I don’t know if there will ever come a time when I won’t find fulfillment in my son or in my education ventures. I am content in my singleness because I am not lonely. I’m happy. I have time to spend with my son. I have time to just devote to myself and meditation. I can read alone or with Ezra. I can write for pleasure or write sample academic papers. I can just focus on being the best version of myself for myself. 

A few updates:

1.) The Word Collector by Peter H. Reynolds is a freaking amazing book. Ezra can’t get enough of it, neither can I! We’ve read it four times since we checked it out last week! 

2.) I’m New Here by Anne Sibley O’Brien is a book that all parents and educators need to have. It opened up a great dialogue between Ezra and I about being inclusive and helping new friends feel comfortable in their new environments. These are conversations we NEED to be having as parents and educators so let’s not do our kids a disservice by being ninnies and hiding from difficult topics. 

3.) My back went out. I’m out of my back meds until Thursday. This is the very definition of hell. 

So nothing profound, well I did have a thing but it wasn’t the right time to share so I’ll just discuss it with my life coach first. I have such a busy week ahead of me, I need to be in bed. 

I’m so Glad February is OVER!

I have been having such a hard time this week forcing words out of me. I think it stems from the disappointment of the past Saturday, which led to the disappointment of my child. I should know by now that when plans are made with this person not to tell him until they actually show up because he always ends up hurt. My feelings were hurt too if I’m being honest because it showed me again that I’m just that “emotional support” person. It is what it is but that don’t mean the shit don’t hurt. 

That disappointment ended up being a blessing in disguise because last weekend Ezra ended up having the worst asthma attack in his short years of life. Even with following the asthma plan to a T, I couldn’t manage it on my own. Watching him struggle like that was terrifying. It’s been replaying in my head all week. He lives in the “yellow” zone and is always coughing, wheezing or having trouble catching his breath. I have no idea what we are going to do when kindergarten starts next year.

Since he’s been having so many issues he hasn’t been to school and it’s been a rough week. Today I tried to make it a little better and took him to the library after I picked him up. We tried school but he only made it an hour. We found some really cool books at the library today. We got some books on insects, ants, woodpeckers, Great Danes(he wants a dog 😒) and worms. He tried to sneak another spider book in BUT the devil is a lie and I’m not having it. 

Me: my entire body is a big ball of hurt. Walking hurts. Standing up hurts. Sitting hurts. Laying down hurts. I’ve been trying to readjust my spine or even alleviating some of the pressure I’m feeling there for over a month and it isn’t working. -rubs temples- This is life, it will pass actually it won’t I’ll just get used to this new level of pain. I’ve “leveled up” so to speak. I see my pain/spine dr next week and I just want to know why my back from top to bottom always feels like one giant cramping ouch. I’m going to keep doing the stretches I learned last year at PT but by golly I would like to lay down and not feel what’s inside of a brand new mattress.☹️ 

Quote: “Of pain, you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain, there are no heroes.” – George Orwell, 1984