I’m so Glad February is OVER!

I have been having such a hard time this week forcing words out of me. I think it stems from the disappointment of the past Saturday, which led to the disappointment of my child. I should know by now that when plans are made with this person not to tell him until they actually show up because he always ends up hurt. My feelings were hurt too if I’m being honest because it showed me again that I’m just that “emotional support” person. It is what it is but that don’t mean the shit don’t hurt. 

That disappointment ended up being a blessing in disguise because last weekend Ezra ended up having the worst asthma attack in his short years of life. Even with following the asthma plan to a T, I couldn’t manage it on my own. Watching him struggle like that was terrifying. It’s been replaying in my head all week. He lives in the “yellow” zone and is always coughing, wheezing or having trouble catching his breath. I have no idea what we are going to do when kindergarten starts next year.

Since he’s been having so many issues he hasn’t been to school and it’s been a rough week. Today I tried to make it a little better and took him to the library after I picked him up. We tried school but he only made it an hour. We found some really cool books at the library today. We got some books on insects, ants, woodpeckers, Great Danes(he wants a dog 😒) and worms. He tried to sneak another spider book in BUT the devil is a lie and I’m not having it. 

Me: my entire body is a big ball of hurt. Walking hurts. Standing up hurts. Sitting hurts. Laying down hurts. I’ve been trying to readjust my spine or even alleviating some of the pressure I’m feeling there for over a month and it isn’t working. -rubs temples- This is life, it will pass actually it won’t I’ll just get used to this new level of pain. I’ve “leveled up” so to speak. I see my pain/spine dr next week and I just want to know why my back from top to bottom always feels like one giant cramping ouch. I’m going to keep doing the stretches I learned last year at PT but by golly I would like to lay down and not feel what’s inside of a brand new mattress.☹️ 

Quote: “Of pain, you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain, there are no heroes.” – George Orwell, 1984